Friday, April 30, 2010

"Meet My New Trainer..."

Summer is coming.  Time to pick my butt up from laying on my thighs and start working out again. 
But how do I get motivated...

I was going to get a trainer....but I can't afford one.

I was going to get a work-out buddy...but everyone I asked said they were too lazy, too tired or too defeated.

I was going to get a walking partner...but then I'd have to strap my three year old into a stroller and hear him complain that he's tired, hungry or bored (everything I would be) the whole time.

Then I was walking by a coffee place and this book shouted at me to come look at it.   I was smitten.  Each and every page is filled with descriptive, detailed photos and inspiring information that a trainer would be saying (if they talked that much). 

But....I found my trainer!   Every day I carry him ( I call him "Bob") with me to the gym.  I set "Bob" down for my twenty minutes of cardio.  Then I open him to the page of the body part/s I want to work on....and I do whatever he tells me to do. 

Downside:  I have to read (sometimes upside down or sideways). 
Upside:      Someone elese is telling me what to do! 

Most people carry magazines into the gym.  I carry "Bob."  Yes, I may look like a goon to some, but "Bob" gives me a way better work out than I could ever give myself.   And it's working.  I'm already 'happy-sore' and feeling better.

So if you're like me, ready to battle back to the bikini on your own, "Bob" is waiting for you!  Or look for the lady carrying a book and we'll do "Bob" together.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

"Can You Talk and Cook?"

My agent wants me to audition to host a new show on the food network.

I laughed out loud. 

I'm a great cook and I can talk...but I can't do them at the same time?

Have you ever tried?  I did.  I read "1/3 cup of sugar", walked to the sugar, grabbed the measuring spoon, said a few words....then...not only did I forget how much sugar I needed...I'm forgot if I already added the sugar.

Nope.  Can't do it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"A Cup of Coffee Idea..."

This very morning I drank coffee from a cup that had writing on the inside of the cup.

It read "Buckingham Palace." 

Each and every time I raised the cup to drink, I'd read this over and over.  Each time my mind went to The Queen, her adorable single grandsons and how my friend (the cup owner) once used to live there.  

What a cool way to advertise.  And what a subtle, cool way to subliminally tell guests what you want them to think.

I'm already mentally designing cups for my house!   The cup's inside-writing would read something like:  "Do not look too closely at the floor..."  Or "Your host, Laurie, is so hot."  Or  "Yes, she has a lot of kids but all houses are loud and have various piles of clothing, food and paper scattered about."

Okay, that last one may be too long to hand-write onto the inside rim of a cup but....I'm gonna try!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

"The Beloved fees..."

Today I made a call to have a late fee removed from a bill I've been paying perfectly since 2006. 

"No....we never waive fees. You pay late. You get a fee.  Too bad."
"Did you just say 'too bad' to me?"
"Can I have a supervisor?" I wasn't giving up.
"Yes but the supervisor will tell you the same thing...."

I didn't think so but you can't tell that to people who think they have more power then they do.  And phone people do have power.  Your goal is not to belittle them but to let them think that you belive they are of a higher power.

The supervisor comes on and says, "No, we can't remove late fees."

I want to say "Who is we?" but I don't....

Getting more and more ambitious to find someone anyone to remove the $23 fee for paying a $400 car payment 2 days late, wasting an hour of my mental and physical time (worth way more than $23.)

My husband, sitting across from me doesn't flinch, "Laurie...just give up.  Just pay it."

"NO!" I respond like a drug addict trying to clinch that next fix, "I will win."

In the end, I did win.  I got the fee waived.  But did I win?  I wasted three people's time at a company who's employees all should have been doing something else on their job description.  Instead, they went to battle with me and ended up crediting my account anyway.

My advice to you, my loyal readers,....if you don't think you should pay for something and your point is reasonable, and you have eight hours with nothing to do, fight for what you think you deserve.   Everyone is busy, has lives, and makes mistakes?  If you can find that person in a company, a person with compassion, a person with a brain, a person who understands humans sometimes will win. 

It's exhausting...but you will win.

Monday, April 26, 2010

"Elmo Who?"

When I am home with my kids we don’t sit around watching Oprah or soaps like people assume.

Oh no.

We watch Elmo.  Over and over and over.

I see so much elmo, he shows up in my dreams. 

He’s very nice…he just needs to do something about that back hair.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"Church With Little Monsters"

Is it impossible to just sit and be quiet?  I've bribed my three mini-monsters with quiet toys, munchies and hard cold cash to stay silent for the hour long mass they must attend each sunday.

" is sooooo boring...!"

"Yes I know.  But we are going and together we'll be bored."

As an adult, my husband and I really like church.  I need to go to refocus calm in my life.  I do know in time my kids will see the benefit. But for now, all they know is, if they aren't quiet this ugly crumpled mean-looking face will snap and hush them with a snappy two-word sentence:
"Stop!  Now!"
"Quiet!  Down!"
"Sit!  Quiet!"

Others tell me my kids aren't that bad.  But I see the other kids.  Other kids don't kick sibblings, fart really loud and then annouce they did just that, or lauch themselves from one pew to the next yelling, "Whoooahhh!" 

Nope.  Just my kids.  Anyone behind us gets some well-needed comic relief.  First from my kids and then from big-nasty-fun-stopper me. 

Truth is, I really want to laugh.  My kids are hilarious.  But if I did, I know those free entertainment watchers would switch gears and suddenly judge the other way:   "What a horrible mother....thinking it's funny her kids behave that way!  She can't dicipline them all at!  How rude!"

Oh well....

Can't wait till next Sunday.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

"A Cart Wheel???"

My six-year-old daughter just did seven cart wheels in a row and then asked me to do one.  Ha.

Can you imagine throwing your body at the ground hoping your hands will support your weight as you throw your legs up and over...hoping again, you'll land without breaking a bone or hearing the words, "She's 911!"

"Unfaithful....the Ultimate Betrayal?"

I was tired...but when I saw that title, I was captured.  At 11pm with the husband out of town, I just had to stay up and watch.

Oddly it was the women that were cheating!  (Nothing to do with today's front page headlines)

They showcased 2 couples: One, a chinese girl with a chinese husband got pregnant from her black boyfriend....he walked out thirty seconds after the baby was born.  Both girls said they cheated because they felt 'lonely' in their marriage.

Then their therapists came on and said what we all know, "Marriage takes work.  You chose the person you want to be married to, so why not....make it work." 

Both couples stayed together.  'Black baby' ended up being put up for adoption as the chinese husband couldn't handle seeing his betrayal on a daily basis.  What a great choice for their marriage!  That new mom showed love and compassion for a husband she betrayed so much she gave up a child.

At 11:45pm, I was wide-eyed and shouting at the TV.  YES!  Great women!  Great choices!

Then I thought, why do couples have to go through a huge mental disaster or hurtful betrayal to get closer?  Why not just do it now? 

I was on the phone to my husand this morning, full of ideas to inspire our 12 year marriage.  I think it's 12 years...  

Either way, he's the only one I want and if we're going to be together forever, why not work hard to have the best marriage we could ever possibly have?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Went to a mall for the first time since my boobs have nestled into their inverted negative A.  Cause I haven't bought a new anything since 1997.

Each time I walked into a ‘girly’ store the “Noooooo” chorus coming from my three kids (finally doing something they all can agree on) was so out of control even store employees raised their eyebrows....silently suggesting that I leave.

Now I'm doing the catalog thing.  Which is really brain consuming.  I love the day the package arrives, that's fun.  It's the opening it and trying it all on and then convincing myself that I look good in vomit grey just so I don't have to spend more time and money packing up the ugly item and shipping it back.  Then I've got to remember I shipped it back.  Then I've got to remember to check that I received credit. 


Maybe I'll just take the kids to back to the mall...chained to the stroller, blindfolded, with tape on their mouths. 

That'll be fun.

Monday, April 19, 2010

"Why I Hate American Airlines"

Has American Airlines taken all your miles?

Back when I had a traveling comedy career, I flew American Airlines all the time.  My mileage grew to over 200K miles!  Then after I had my third kid and stopped flying as much, American Airlines decided to take all my miles....without telling me. 

Yes.  Shocking?  

I went to redeem my miles for a free flight and can you believe an AA lady told me, "Sorry, all your miles were lost."

"What?  Can't we find them?"

"Yes, the account went into inactivity and all your miles are gone."

"So they aren't stole them."

She was rude, "We didn't steal them.  It's a mileage program for frequent fliers.  You aren't one anymore."

"But I was....and may be again.  And I guess you don't care."

No.  She didn't care and that...well.....hurt.

Turns out, they don't have to tell you they took your miles cause it's a frequent flier program and if you don't frequent fly, they can do what they want to the years of loyalty and patronage you gave to just them.

My son's miles disappeared and so did my husband's.  To get them back we all got a credit card with an annual fee of $85 which they charge to you a full month before you even get your card.  Not my 10 year old, he's just screwed. 

So what airline do I fly to comedy shows now?  Whoever is cheapest darling. 

As far as the mileage programs airlines love to brag about?   They are liers.  We are cashing out.  Remaining loyal to the airline offering.... the cheapest ticket. 

"Trading at Lunch..."

If there is one job I loathe in the morning, it's making lunches.  Cause all three of my kids like different things: one has to have NO crusts, one has to have only lunch meat in rolls, one has to have everything I give her cut into bite size portions.  It's just too much for my brain at 7am.

I try to start the night before...but I have to leave the sandwich (main) part for the morning...and it's enough to send me over the loony edge.

I know I read about Moms and how they "make lunches with love" and then put in a napkin with crayon on it saying "I (heart) U."  They are supermoms.  I am not.

Recently I started giving my kids those mini-carrot packets (refusing requests from the bite-size-kid to have me cut them) as well I'd put in a small candy treat (why not, right?)

Later I was shocked to hear my son say, "Thanks Mom, that candy is great to trade."


"Yeah, trading is so cool....I can leverage what I want with the cool candy you give me."

Did my kid really say leverage?  "Really? What do you get when you trade?"  I asked unsure how I felt about him trading my hard work, my hard 7am struggles, for some random food another mom nicely packed for her kid?

My oldest answered excitedly, "Well if I trade the bottle caps or the sours, I can get a whole apple or a bag of chips...."

Then I thought about it.  He's trading for an apple?  An apple?  That's a wise trade.  Trading for what he wants and considers valuable.  Hmm...  What a cool idea.  Maybe "apple mom" wouldn't like it, but here is my child at school learning how to 'work,' trading like you do in the real world.  Okay, it's a lesson and he's learning.

"Ever do a bad trade?"

My son says, "Yeah, one time this bag of chips I traded for had like nothing in it.  It wasn't the kid's fault.  The people that make those chips are CHEAP."

I smiled.  Okay, he's ten and he's learning a lesson at lunch they don't really ever teach in school.

Well done.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"Candy in the House..."

If it's in the house, they will find it.  Today, at 8:13am, my three year old walked into my bedroom, lips blue, carrying a candy inside a wrapper in the way you would a banana.

"What is that?"  I asked.

"Candy.." He replied as he continued to tell me about his day yesterday.

"We don't eat candy before breakfast!" I took the candy from him in a gentle way.

"Yes," he nodded, "After breakfast, then you will give it to me, yes?"

The candy was hard and as I flipped it over, I was horrified to read the label that said, "David's 5th birthday 2008."

Children can sniff-out candy components inside plastic or steel from fifty feet away.  There's no use in hiding it (cause you'll forget it there till it's too late), it must be thrown away.

After breakfast Roc asked for his candy back and I looked at the cat who's arm I had tucked the candy wrapper under, "Oh no, I think the cat ate it."

Roc was really mad, but now is sitting next to the cat trying to negotiate her to give it back to him out of her tummy.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"A Review..."

After shows in Vegas and Laughlin, it's nice to read a great write-up about myself.  Hope you enjoy it....

Oh and as far as my answer to 'yesterday's' question as to what I did?

It's easy;  1) LAUGH.

You should know this by now, my loyal readers and fans. 
(Laugh is really all I know how to do well anyway...)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

"New Mom Friends..."

I pretty much hang out with the same small circle of friends.  But once in awhile I love to reach out to new possible friends.  Why not, right?

Last week I sent out this email to four girls I'd like to get to know better:

"My kids and I are going to the American Family Pet Expo after school next Friday.   Would any of you like to join us?  We went last year and it was sooooo much fun.  They don't sell the animals there, it's just a giant expo that lets you watch (last year there was a dog on a skateboard!), see, touch or even hold some of their animals.  Then after we can go out for Mexican food?  Let me know?"

A whole week has gone by and not a single person has responded till today.  This was the sole email I received in response to my above invitation:
" Sounds terrible..... I hate pets!!!!!!!!! No thanks "

Hmmm....what do you think I did?  Did I:

1) Laugh?
2) Wonder what drugs she's taking?
3) Promise to never invite anyone to anything ever, ever again?

The answer tomorrow....

Monday, April 12, 2010

"When I Am Old..."

Have you ever promised yourself that when YOU get old you will never, ever, ever be like that little annoying old old lady who yells at everyone, even strangers?  That's my mother-in-law.  She leaves tomorrow.

My husband called me on my comedy tour frustrated, "My mom and Roc have been fighting all weekend!"

"She is 83, he is 3.  What could they possibly be fighting about?" I said laughing to myself thinking, "Good for him, at three standing his ground."

Then again, it's crabby-bitter-I-hate-the-world-everyone-else-is-always-wrong lady vs a kid not old enough to complete a sentence. 

But I felt his pain and said, "I'm so sorry."

I'll say it here:  If I make it till I am 65, 70 or even 80, I promise to still be smiling and happy and never be a crab. 

If I am, you have permission to shoot me.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

"Driving Dream"

Next time I take my family to Disneyland I'm going straight to the Disneyland Autopia. I will then ride with each of my kids, one by one. Then, as they drive and concentrate not to bang on that metal middle, I will start shouting: “I'm hungry!" “Where is the water?” "Stop pushing me!" "What's 8 thousand times 426?" “Are we there yet???” "Can you microwave this for me?"

I can’t wait.

"Kid Leftovers"

I was standing at the table putting uneaten food from my kids three plates into to-go boxes when I heard my husband comment to our couple friends who were all staring at me, "She lives life like we make 10K a year...."

I smiled.  Make fun of me all you want.  I love leftovers.  Not for me, but for the kids and my husband.  It kills me that my kids order a whole meal and then only eat two bites.  But, if you pack it up and take it home, the next day or two, snack, lunch or dinner is only a microwave button away.

My friend commented, "No one eats leftovers at my house..."

I said, "Oh, that's too bad.  Can we take home yours then????"

Don't be shy or embarrassed.  That's food you paid for.  If no one eats it (mostly cause kids are too distracted or excited to eat) take it home.  If they didn't like it, tell someone.  Chances are, they'll get your kid something new.

My family loves leftovers so much, if a dinner I cooked didn't go over so well, I can put it in a To-Go box and the next day, it's gone.  Doesn't say much for my cooking but as long as you know tricks on how to feed your family, hey.... whatever works!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"The Little Voice"

The only reason I take a three-day road gig once in awhile (corporate or comedy club) is because Mom needs a break being funny for adults. 

It's only hours after being alone in silence that I relax and begin to hear a strange little voice. 

"What's that?" I ask confused. 

"Yes.  That little voice is ME....talking to ME." 

Mom life is so crazy busy and so constanly full of busy noise that I can't hear (or let alone even try to hear) my own inner voice, my calm voice, my sane barometer of who the heck I really am.


Course after three days of back to back comedy shows, my sanity is tested in different ways and I can't wait to go home to those little (and big) voices 'outside' my head.  Voices that come with hugs and cuddles and the promise of future annoyance.   

But I wouldn't change a thing.  Ever.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

"Vacation Highlight"

We're in Vegas, where fun is big and never-ending, even for kids.  I spent hours and hours researching places to visit for an article; "The Best Things To Do In Vegas For Kids."  

From the second we walked into our hotel, all my kids wanted to do was, "Can we go back to the hotel and play in the hallway?"

Every day they couldn't wait to go 'home' to the hotel.  Not to swim, not to rest, but to run, jump and roll on the crazy patterned perfectly flat plush carpet in the long wide hallway that seemed to exist forever. 

Talking to Dad (who had to work at home) they didn't mention Gregory Popovich's Animal Show, the MGM's New Baby Tigers or even the Gold Coasts' Live Shark Tank they got to tunnel through.  Nope.  It was all about the hotel hallway.

I couldn't even negotiate or threaten, "If you don't behave we won't go to Circus-Circus Adventuredome!"

They didn't care.  Their response, "Yea!  Let's go home!"

Next trip, my six year old suggested I write about 'Big Hallways.'


Tuesday, April 06, 2010

"Zen For Who?"

A family vacation without the husband sounds like a good idea...till hour 2, when I realize I can't chase after kid #3 and stop kid #1 from hurling his body from a chair into a pool at the same time.

All day long I was my own version of octo-woman, putting out fights, negotiating and answering questions like, "If I trip and fall and don't bleed and don't put ice on it...will I die?" 

"What?" I ask, insanely exhausted.

At the mall we stumble across, "Zen Zone..." a store full of water-massage machines and other gadgets to help you relax.  The store allows you to play and try everything they sell.  My kids are in touch-me-heaven as I run to take my youngest to the potty.

When I return, it's as if my older children were royalty; Each sat in a massage chair, their legs tucked into feet massagers as the woman running the store taught them both to use a luxury gadget I'd never saw before. 

How is this fair?  Wasn't it ME, the Mom who needed the massage tips and free bees?  (Last month my 6 year old went to a SPA birthday party.  SPA!  I’m six times her age and no one's ever put cucumbers on my eyes.)   (Well, I I was cutting them for dinner)

Next thing I know the woman offered a two-for-one-discount to my kids to try the big water massage machines.  Kids?  What about ME?  This woman was obviously not a Mom or maybe my plastered 'happy-to-be-on-spring-break-alone-in-Vegas' face really worked on people.

Thankfully when the woman put my kids into the machines and taken my credit card, the foot machine was free for me to enjoy.  But then Roc disappeared and by the time I found him and slowed my heart rate back to a mild panic, two other women had stolen my spot.

I spent the rest of the time waiting for my kids' to finish their massage by blocking Roc from running back into the mall.  They were sweaty from happiness.  I was sweaty from stress.

I love going on vacation and then during my vacation find myself thinking, "Man, I need a vacation."

Monday, April 05, 2010

"Buffet benefits"

I'm off with three kids to Vegas, Laughlin and San Diego for some comedy shows. 

The kids are excited cause they get to eat anything they want at those massive 'all-you-can-eat' buffets.  I'm excited cause 1) it's free for kids under 12 years, 2) I don't have to hear, "Ugh...can you make me a P&J?" and 3) no dishes for me to clean.

(If you live in those areas and want to see me live (and free) (they don't charge you in casinos as they know you'll want to pay for other activities)) look up my schedule at

Sunday, April 04, 2010

"Happy Easter"

I woke up and hide 21 eggs for my three kids.  Less than an hour later my kids were begging me to help them find the last three eggs.  

Hm...I couldn't find them either.  We brought in dad, the neighbors, the cousin from next door.  The three are still missing.

My husband pulled me aside, "What?  YOU hid them!  You aren't 80 yet!  Next year, will you please make a map?"

Sure....if I remember.


Last night I left my family at Easter Vigil to bring home a sleeping child.

I turned on the movie, "Amish Grace," (cause I'm deftly curious how others live).  It was a sad movie with one unlikely theme; Forgiveness.

The main Amish dad said to his six year old daughter;   "Hate is a very big, very hungry thing with lots of sharp teeth and it will eat up your whole heart and leave no room left for love."


A lesson I will forever remind my kids....and myself.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

"March Madness"

My husband is a sports freak and is now trying to get the kids to join him. He loves watching anything where men chase a little ball.  It's thrilling...?

He dragged me to a Lakers game and later someone asked me, "Who won?"

I responded, “Who played?”

They laughed.

Why is that funny?  I don't care.  The teams go back and forth, back and forth for 2 hours….

You can watch the last 5 minutes and you’ve seen the whole game!

Friday, April 02, 2010

"Say What You Feel"

This was the conversation I had with my Mother-In-Law (visiting from PA) yesterday;
"We're going out for pizza for lunch, you want to come?"
"Oh, that sounds like fun.  Is everyone going?"
"Yes, me and all the wanna come with us?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother..."
"You won't be a bother, we'd love to have you."
"Well my knee still hurts from the fall."
"Okay, I'm leaving in 20 mins...I hope you come."

Ten minutes later after talking to my husband who said, "what is she going to do...sit home?":
M-I-L was still on the couch...
"You should come with us to will be fun."
"Oh, I don't want to be trouble to anyone."
"You aren't trouble, we're eating lunch."
"Well, I don't think I'm going to go."

Five minutes later I go to grab my keys and see she is standing by the door dressed and her purse is over her shoulder.  I was shocked, "Oh, you're coming!  Great, let's go!"

Why don't people just tell you what they really feel and think?  I don't like to guess and I don't like to beg.  Just be real and be honest. No one gets hurt and everyone lives a healthy, truthful life.