Friday, May 28, 2010

Husband Diet...

Every since I saw Dr. Phil on Oprah talking about men, diabetes and how an oversized tummy can bring it on, I've been a little aware of my husband's growing middle.

He's like a soon as dinner is over, he's at the pantry (with the gang of people we call kids) searching out cookies.  They moved on to ice cream till I stopped buying both....but he's a big child...that can drive.  To go buy his own snacks!'

I had Ti-voed that episode of Oprah and sat him down to show him he only has one body and he must take care of it.   I think it scared him.  Yesterday at dinner he said, "No...I'm not having potatoes any more..."  Course an hour later, his friends came over to watch the game and he drank three beers and ate a bag of chips.

Is this the time to ask for more life insurance?

"Mommy Dress..."

Every morning I go to the gym for an hour.  I"m not a big sweat monger so for a few days in a row I pretty much wear those same my gym 'uniform.'

Do I care what Moms at school think of my repeating-never-matching 'ensamble?'   No.  Never.  Who cares?  I'm going to the gym.  If anyone wishes to judges me...that's their problem.  I'm confident and don't doubt what anyone thinks.

Till my three year old says to me this very morning...

"Why you were that all the time Mommy?



All day long I've tried to blow his comment off...but it's not going away.  I found myself looking at what other people wear at the gym....I found myself at the mall looking at new 'matching' gym clothes....

All starting from a kid who can't even wipe his own butt yet.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"Remember Indian Guides?"

Did you know Indian Guides are no more?  Yes, my husband and oldest son are in what is now politically correctly called, Adventure Guides.

There are many rules now...about drinking, names and even what you do at meetings. 

When I was little the dad’s would make their own fun…they’d drink, smoke in front of the kids and even name the kids such names as, “Little Eagle” and “Spread Eagle.”

To this day some of the old dads still laugh about the time they tied a black tail on a long fishing pole and told the boys as they chased after it, “Come on boys, catch the beaver! Catch the beaver!”

Not necessarily P.C. but it is hilarious.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"Tight Pants..."

While my daughter while protest and complain when I ask her to wear something, sometimes ending in a fall-to-the-floor wrestling match, my oldest son just does what I ask….

Today I laid ‘nice’ shorts for him to wear. Later he walked up to me and sweetly said, “I feel blood stopping, can I not wear these?”

I did the dog-head-tilt curious why the shorts were so long and tight on him till I realized he was wearing his brother’s PANTS (his brother is three!).

It was my mistake, but I couldn’t stop laughing. He is just so easy going…we all should be so relaxed in the world.

"Ear Cancer"

It was hard.
It was black.
It was a milimeter below my pierced ear hole.

I went to the dermatologist in a panic. This is it....I'm dying....I have ear cancer.

The dr came in and investigated. Turns out my terminal cancer was....ready? A blackhead.

She laughed and said, "I'll just get it'll take two seconds."

While I paid my co-pay of $20. Later I got the bill that my insurance paid....called, "acne surgery" and my doctor’s office charged my insurance $160!

I called my Heath Insurance company to tell them they'd been 'cheated.' They responded with, "Well, she did work on you..." Yes, she popped out a blackhead that my husband was mad he didn't get to pop. (He loves doing that and I never have any for him to tackle). Bottom line, my insurance company didn't care. So, then, why should I? They paid...I should shut up.

And we wonder why health care is such a mess.

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Whoa Is The Parent Day..."

Did I tell you I spent Mothers Day watching my son play baseball...?????

I like watching my son do anything but on the one day a year the people I birthed should be giving me my choice, the last thing I'd choose is sitting in the cold, hard stands watching ten year olds catch and hit a white ball for three hours.  But I did.  And I did it with a smile.

Last night at dinner my baseball hero announced, "Dad!  I know what I'm getting you for Father's Day!  Baseball tickets!"

I looked at my six year old daughter and asked, "Don't you have a five hour ballet performance that day?"

While she didn't know what I was talking about since she quit ballet two years ago cause the outfit made her itch, the open jaw on the floor reaction I got from both the husband and the child were priceless.  I'll probably still be sitting in the stands again somewhere, but my attempts to prove a point still make me giggle.

Father's Day should be BEFORE Mother's Day so Moms could set a good example of what should be done on this honorable day.  We go all out for them on Father's Day and then by next year Mother's Day...if they even remember it's Mother's Day again....they forgot all about what we did for them last year.  But like a faithful loving pooch that wants to make the world happy....that won't stop me from trying....year after year.  Spoken like the voice of a true mother.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Burp For Fun..."

I still live my life where when I hear someone burp or fart I can't help but laugh uncontrollably then shout out a number, rating the explotation from 1 to 10.

People tell me, "You need to teach your kids manners!"

And ruin a great opportunity to laugh and judge?!  I do tell my kids as long as they promise to only do this with our family, and to always say, "Excuse me," when they are in public, we'll keep the tradition going.

Did I tell you I average an 8 or more every time I have a coke?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

"Life Tip...."

"You should come to school and see mom...then you'll get it."

I did get it. 

Driving down the highway, my ten year old had been sharing with me his frustration of situations at school he finds unbearable.  Wanting to share with him how quickly life passes, I began a funny five-minute-speech about life, happiness, loving yourself and how quickly school goes by.  And that, later he'll feel like he blinked and grade school was over.  On the second blink, he'd be out of college.  And that he should just be nice and kind and laugh and try to have fun every day and be thankful and happy he is a great kid (and has very cool parents)

I ended my mini-speech with..."What do you think?"

Without a beat my boy shouts, "8!  I counted...only eight more exits till we have to get off."

Oh well.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"My Boy-Boy"

When you have a big sister who thinks she's a celebrity stylist, you're going to end up with photos like these that your mother will hide for use and hilarity at your wedding.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

"Why I Love My Toyota Sienna"

I used to know I was in a parking spot when I heard a light, "Bang," and my car jolted back and forth.

Now I know I'm in a spot because I can SEE out the back end of my Toyota.  It's like there are two of me and while one of us is driving, the other is showing me how much space is left as I back up perfectly.

Sometimes people behind me freak out seeing me backing up while not looking in the places one would think I'd be looking.  I get honks and "Stupid driver!" all the time.  When actually, I'm smarter than all of them as I no longer worry when I back up that I'll run over toys or god forbid, a child.

The other thing I love about the Toyota Sienna is the automatic doors.  One click, doors open and all my kids climb in or out.  They never have to touch the door allowing me comfort knowing a finger isn't going to get stuck.  If it did, the sensors in the sliders, open immediately.  I accidently tested this when my ten year old shut the doors not knowing my head was in the way.   It closed gently on my skull (nice huh?) and immediately opened so I could bolt upright unharmed and yell at him for not warning me before he clicked the close button.

I also like the fold-down seats, the DVD and the navigation system (which by the way, I've tried them all from other car makers, and Toyota/Lexus hands down have the best navigation system I've ever tested.  So user friendly (I'm location-direction-retarded) that once you get used to having one (this one)'ll never want a car without it.

Some Moms laugh at me as they drive off in their 'Cool SUV's."

When in reality, who's the smartest Mommy now?

Written By
Laurie McDermott
Invite Laurie to speak/perform at your next event.

Monday, May 03, 2010

"Missing Hampster.."

He was gone.
He was there and then he was gone.
He was found 5 days later in an empty fish tank in the garage. 

We all looked at the 3 year old who looked back at us and shrugged, "Maybe he climbed in there all by himself?"


Now when he goes missing, guess where we find him?

Sunday, May 02, 2010

"Weekend In Sports Hell..."

It's Sunday.  Family day!  It was like that when I grew up.  My parents and the kids would find something local or not local to see do or discover. 

I try that in my house.  "Do we want to go to the local school fair?"

No, we can't.

"How about, why don't we go to the Aquarium for the day?"

No, we can't. 

Why?   My husband coaches my sons' baseball and football teams and although the weekdays have their own challanges, usually on Sunday, we face the following schedule:
9:30 - church
10:30-12noon - baseball batting practice.
1-3:30pm - baseball game.
5-6pm - football practice before his game.
6-7pm - football game.

Meanwhile I also happen to be a parent to two other childen, 6 and 3 who get dragged to the other child's games all weekend, watching their dad from afar and missing him, wondering why they can't stand with him during any of the day's activities.  All the while I'm soothing ruffled feathers and negotiating battles trying to watch any part of what I can see of my oldest playing.

If I was a boring mom, or maybe one that loved sports, this entry here would be different...but I"m a fun, creative mom who loves taking her 'family' - (that means everyone; husband and kids!) outside their city block on weekends to experience the amazing things the world around us has to offer.  But I can't cause 1/3 of the family is constantly stuck in these activities that repeat themselves every weekend.

If my oldest was 16 and off to a great college under a school scholarship, that would be different, but he is not sports savvy and part of me thinks he only plays because of his dad. 

So, the family day together fun will have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.

"The 6 year old Horder..."

My favorite thing in life is to throw crap out.    Purge.  Trash.  Pack it for good will.  Give it to a friend. 

I loathe clutter so much I keep a 7-shelf cabinet totally empty.

Yes.   It's true.  Come over.  Empty.

The 7-shelf unit is void of books, nick-nacks and other crap just to remind me that life is short and anything worth putting on a shelf I never see, isn't worth keeping.

It helps me in so many ways.  At a store, Ill load my cart with things I think I want and when I go to check out I have a serious converation with myself.  "Do you really need that?"  (never ask do you want, cause you know you'll want everything).

All my kids understand and are great at "giving stuff to poor kids."  (At least that's what I tell them, but I'm sure even poor kids wouldn't want their old stuff.)

My daughter, 6, is not a Mommy follower.  She argues with me that even the paper kid menu from California Pizza Kitchen is so precious it's worth saving forever to give to her kids.  I suggest giving it to poor kids and she says, "They can go to that restaurant if they want one so bad."  I explain over and over.  She just has her own agenda.  Later I hide the menu and then toss it in the trash when she's not looking.  But she finds it, "MOM!!!"

I respond, "Daddy didn't mean to throw out your menu."

I've tried teaching her the benefits of tossing stuff, but it's an endless battle I lose every time.

So if anyone wants to do a study on the habits of a future hoarder...I've got a live one for you.