Wednesday, March 31, 2010

"She Fell"

My 83 year old Mother-in-law came in today from Philadelphia for two weeks.  My husband didn't give her a tour of our new house and it was dark.  Minutes after he left for a meeting, I walked into the hall and saw her sprawled out like a pretzel yelling at me, "I'm fine...don't touch me!  I can get up!" 

Yet there she was, I'm sure, for a good 10 minutes till I came along. 

I tried to help her but she is tall and I'm too little and wobbly myself to properly risk helping her. 

So after another 10 minutes of helplessly watching, offering lame limb assistance and holding in my laughter...I called my husband, "Your mom fell and can't get up"  (I felt like I was in that commercial, only I was muffling my laughter so long I couldn't breathe.) 

Course she continued to scream at me, "I'm fine!  I can get up!  Don't call him and make him come home to help me!"

Brad raced home, ran in, helped her up and left again. 

She was thankful to him but didn't say "Boo" to me, the real rescuer.

Now I'm on m-i-l 'step' watch patrol.

"The Theif Witness"

My littlest and I were walking into the grocery store, Vons, when a man and a woman ran past.  It looked like the man was trying to casually grab the woman's arm and I was compelled to watch.

What happened next made me freeze and my son burst into tears. The man grabbed the woman and threw her against the wall near the shopping carts.  She screamed, "Help!"   He yelled, "Call 911!"

Hmmm?  I couldn't tell what was going on till he flipped her to the ground and tried to handcuff her.

By then I already called the local city police ("the wrong city" I discovered when the police operator told me, then advised me to hang up and dial the right city.  What???  Aren't all police stations in connection???)

Bottom line that lady stole baby formula - 5 cans shoved into her mammoth purse.

Say it with me, "Aw..."

But she didn't steal it for her, she stole it to resell!   (Wow. That's pretty smart. and I guess in these hard times, people are getting creative.)

I only know this because the guy that bagged my groceries told me that this lady was caught at this same store, doing the same thing only 4 weeks earlier.   (now that's stupid).

Did you know stores hire guys to walk the isles pretending to shop?  One even had a hand-held mirror that he held up to see what was going on behind him!

Best part for me was telling my three year old who begged for candy trying to hide it under his shirt, "If you take that candy, that man will chase you and do what he just did to that lady.'

He put the candy back and is now telling everyone he knows how to you shouldn't take things from stores.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Two conversations I had in one day today:

The Librarian said; "What's Chris's last name?"
I asked; "Chris who?"

My brother-in-law said, "He plays for the Cincinnati Bengals..."
I asked, "What city is that in?"

And you wonder who's the comic?  I would too.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

"Sweet Child"

We were all walking on a boat dock after dinner with my sister-in-law and her family when her five-year-old son burst into tears.

Everyone stopped to figure out what happened.   What scared him?  Did he bite his tongue?   Which of the five cousins hurt or tripped him?

Nada.  The little man, Jeremy, or an 'old soul' as we like to call him, was crying because moments before we had passed an older looking dog on a leash that was sitting by himself next to the dock.  Jeremy was sad because he thought the dog was alone and had no one to love him.

Hearing what he was crying about, I almost cried.  At 5 this boy, this child is more sensitive than most of the adults I know and see every day.

If the world was more like Jeremy, caring and kind already at the young age of five, wouldn't we all be more better off....?

Saturday, March 27, 2010


It was yesterday that I found out Sandra Bullocks hubby cheated.  (I have three kids and a husband, news gets to me slowly)

I felt sick for her and Tigers wife and John Edwards wife.  I can't imagine.  How do you go on?  Do you accept a groveling, on-the-knees apology, or do you make them pay in other ways?  Revenge?  Physical pain?  Death?  How long do you wait to take them back if you are to take them back?  How do you ever even begin to trust them again?   Then do you ask for a future date 'hall pass"?

My husband and I were sitting on the couch facing each other one night talking about Tiger and that because he is so rich he feels entitled to do whatever he wants.  I then asked, "If we were that rich, would you cheat on me?"  There was this


He said, "What?  I have to think about what I would do!"

The proper answer when anyone asks you if you'd cheat or not is, "Heck no!  NEVER!"

If you've seen my comedy act, you know how I really feel about cheating. 

If you haven't seen me...where have you been?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"Never Lie"

I teach my kids; "If you never lie, you'll never have to remember anything."
They tell me, "You can't remember anything ever."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"MiniVans Are For Smart People"

“Where’s your car?”

“Right there,” I pointed to my tan 7 passenger car.

There was a pause as my ‘hip’ writer friend ingested what she did not know; "You drive a minivan?  But you are a comic and you are  Why are you driving a minivan?"

I know some girls (Moms) think a minivan makes them 

While some moms care about their image and want the world to see them as 'cool, interesting and fabulous,' I do not.

Have you learned anything about me, yet?  I don't care what others think.  My life is all about comfort and ease.  And when my life is easy, I'm happy.  And when Mom is happy...everyone is happy.

One Mom actually said to me, “I look horrible in a minivan.” Truth be told, she looks horrible out of one too.  It's a car.  It's to drive.  Why would you care what you look like IN it?

The minivan bonuses I love; Good gas mileage, spacious leg room and a DVD player that comes with two fancy headsets so that Mom won’t go crazy listening to Barney just one more time.  AND 18 cup holders.  (Which no one uses except to hide various cars, candy or bugs. I use one back cup holder as a dirty diaper container. Cause when I forget to throw it away, I immediately know where the smell is coming from!)

My favorite minivan experience was escaping a ticket. I’m with my kids so often I forget when I'm alone. One time I drove solo in the car pool lane.  A motorcycle cop clearly saw me and shook his head as if he understood my life in a single second; no one buys a minivan unless they have kids, and if you have kids, you need a break.  He smiled, waved and drove off!  Looking ‘uncool’ does have benefits.

My minivan has made my life so much easier.  I’m able to enjoy it so much more. And that alone makes me cool.  Inside and out!

Monday, March 22, 2010

"The Soccer Motivator"

I have a lazy daughter.  Okay, she's not lazy.  She just won't play soccer like my brain telepathically begs her to from the sidelines.  To her "soccer" means: chasing butterflies, finding flowers and avoiding gopher holes that might house a real gopher.

So I finally told her, my little Meg, I’d give her a quarter every time she kicked the ball.
It didn’t work.

I then told her I’d get her ice cream if she kicked the ball 5 times.

That didn't work either.

One day while cleaning out the garage and Meg discovered the huge box of toys I was donating to Good Will.  Even though she didn't even play with these toys anymore, she was so upset she wanted to keep them all.

Hmmm...I finally had a decent bargaining tool.  So I told her, "Do well at your game Saturday and can keep whatever you want."

At Saturdays game, they lost.  Immediately Meg ran up to me and in front of all the other parents shouted, “Mom!  Do I still get to keep my toys????”

Days later people are still talking about the 'cruel Mother.'

Oh well.  No "Mother of the Year" this year.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Little Ethiopia"

I did a comedy show at this restaurant, LITTLE ETHIOPIA.  A restaurant?  Showcasing food in Ethiopia?  Aren’t people starving there?  Their food obviously doesn’t work.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

"The Baseball Picture"

Yesterday my ten year old's amazingly ethical, conscientious baseball coach showed his team a photo from our local newspaper of an older kid pitching the perfect pitch. The coach held the folded in half page in his hand as he slowly passed it in front of all the boys’ eyes.

Unfortunately the coach failed to notice what was on the folded-over side. The side the boys eyes saw as the photo passed by. One read it out loud, "Local Doctors Restore Man's S** Life."

The giggles started, even jokes that this was the lesson they were really to learn about today.

The coach was embarrassed and to the parents that witnessed this innocent mishap, he couldn't stop apologizing.

As a comic....I couldn't stop laughing.

When life throws you these funny moments, stop judging, just open your heart and laugh. (You'll live longer.)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"The Parade..."



"I don't want to walk. I want to watch."

I always thought walking in a parade would be cool. I never did it...but people in parades always look happy. But in the end were the sad they didn't actually get to see the parade? My ten year old has been asked to be in our local one every year. Every year it's, "Nope...if I'm in it, I can't see it." (or catch the candy that comes flying by. He seriously has no idea who or what walks by..unless they are hold a bag of candy....then he remembers even their outfits.)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"The Silent War"

In just over a week I now know three people that have died of cancer.  43, 72 and now 46.  Cancer is like a silent war that comes and steals a life forever.  The whole thing makes me want to move to Idaho and run with my husband and kids.  Remembering every day is not to be taken for granted. 

Today in California it is sunny and warm.  As my kids complain they are hot.  I'm just happy they are healthy and I get to hug them.

Monday, March 15, 2010

"God Bless America"

This is my little guy Roc, he is three.  Recently my husband, video in hand, caught him singing "God Bless America" as he spun in a chair. 

It's both patriotic and hilarious.  He kinda knows the words but you'd never know it by the way he is singing. 


I'm trying to get the image to be clicked to see the song and it's not try this:

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"My Beloved Prius"

Okay.  I get it.  For the first time since we bought our Toyota Prius (only to get the solo-driver car-pool-pass before they ran out) in 2006, I was nervous.  I had climbed behind the wheel with my kids in the back and hesitated before I pushed that cool button to start the hybrid car.

What if it suddenly excelled forward?  What if my car sped out of control?  What if I made a mistake, got into an accident and claim "The car did it!"?  My   Scary.  Very Scary.  Hmmm...

I'm not saying these drivers are all lying, but these car makers don't keep reinventing the wheel with car their technology.  They are all cars....they share their stuff...or it gets stolen from other car makers sooner or later.  Which leads me to believe that Toyota can't be the only one with these problems.  Which makes me think since we are trying to promote to "buy American."  Why not accentuate the company that is not?

(I'm still not letting my kids drive in that Prius anymore.)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"Choosing Battles"

There are those that actually care how they look in the morning because they think others will judge them.  I am not one of them.  As my husband would say, "You don't care what others think do you?"  No.  I'm not perfect in any way, but I do know my inside is more beautiful than I could ever try to match on the outside.

This world is not a beauty contest and if I'm leasurly dropping my kids off at school, wearing oversized old blue sweats and a unmatching green baseball hat with a few holes doesn't faze me one bit.  

Same goes for my kids.  When my six year old girl wants to wear that red sweater and blue shorts cause she think she look amazing...fantastic!  "White tights and sandals are the new style," she tells me....great!  I don't care what my kids wear; unless we're going to church.  Then I pick. 

Hair?  If someone won't let me brush their hair....oh well.  I don't.  Moms have to choose their battles and that's one I'm not challenging.  If someone comments or judges what?   It's my life and my family.  My daughter will still go to college if she had messy hair in grammar school.  But if I repeat, argue or nag at her for 20 minutes, my throat may hurt and she, as well as my other kids, all go to school a bit rattled because of

This morning in my blue sweats and grey hat I noticed a raggly-looking head of hair walking to school.  I looked up at the Mom of four and joked about her child, "I love her hair!"  She said, "I have to choose my battles and that's one I don't really care about."

YEAH!!!  See?  I knew I wasn't alone!

Monday, March 08, 2010

“The House Reader”

She was shy.

Not a self-promoter, she was quiet.

Yet, I was drawn to her, compelled to make conversation, soon realizing I was talking to a gifted genius.

Enter Mary Beth Strait. An amazing woman full of insight and knowledge to a world few of us are or will be able to see. Secretly known to a few select realtors as their “lucky charm,” Mary Beth Strait goes beyond basic home staging and offers personal house readings and space clearings to help enable people to live their best life.

To Mary Beth, being able to living your best life comes from the energy in your home. She has successfully helped troubled couples fix and recognize how their own home is hurting their relationship. In the case of children, one mom had been taking her child to a therapist but Mary Beth uncovered the real problem in a single visit to their home. She has also staged un-moving homes into sold within days.

Happily married with a child of her own, Mary Beth was born in Pennsylvania and grew up in Visalia, CA and is the first person to admit that what she does can seem kind of wacky. But true testimony comes from her clients’ affirmations, whose mouths drop as Mary Beth guides and instructs them through what she sees in their home.

After over 400 consultations, Mary Beth can, within seconds, intuitively feel the energy of a home, even when it is empty. Keeping her readings practical, she will only share or go as deep as clients want her to go.

Every consultation is different and her stories of success are endless involving: Marriage, jobs, kids, pregnancy and house sales, leaving some realtors after working with her to have their most profitable month ever.

Think it’s all hoggy washy? So did I. Till I invited Mary Beth to do a reading at my home; Humble, careful, thoughtful and aware, she walked through my house as if she’d known my husband and I all our lives. Her suggestions blew me away and my jar dropped several times. I am now her biggest fan.

Still skeptical? Try her. Then email me about your jaw pain from hitting the floor. Just to note…when the TV world finds her, her price will go up big time. Get her now. or

Sunday, March 07, 2010

"UP!" A Review

See the movie "Up."

My favorite part of the movie is the first 15 minutes...and the part where he discovers her "adventure book" where she is going to fill the pages full of their married life adventures.  He thinks it's empty because they never traveled anywhere...and at the end of the movie he opens the book to find his wife had filled the book with dozens of photos of their life together.  Wow.  What a GREAT movie.  My kids beg to watch it just to see Mom cry...Specially when their friends come over.  I'm the entertainment.  Cause even if I'm walking by or see ten seconds of the movie, I remember the whole story and tears pour out.  My kids just laugh.  One day they'll get it.

"The Couch Days"

Don't ever ask me what I'm doing on these two days:
Academy Award Day:
Dressed in sweats and fuzzy socks I plop on my couch about 5pm with a bowl of popcorn and a coke filled to the top with ice and watch the events preceding and after.  Why don't I get dressed up and go to the events to watch with others?  Cause it's always way too loud...there's too much talking...(me).   It's just best to watch it at home.  So if I ever invite you over to watch it here with me....shhh.

I spend the day remembering how lucky I am to have three kids (as crazy as they drive me) and a husband that's pretty amazing.  We play games, we watch movies, we just 'be' together.  Then at some point I tell my kids about the infamous day I still can't believe happened in our country to our people, and then at a different point I always cry, to which my oldest will run get a tissue and then roll his eyes while he giggles.  They are too young to understand, but with any luck and a good memory, as they grow older, they will learn to appreciate how fortunate they are to be American.
Not sure why 9/11 is not a national holiday yet.  Seems like it should be...but maybe no one wants to give more satisfaction to the people that did it.  Anyone know?

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

"Today Is The Day"

Next Thursday I was flying to New Mexico to help my dear friend, Elaine McPherson, with Chemo treatments.  Yesterday I found out I would no longer be going.   Elaine died yesterday.  She was 40 something (she refused to tell me when I met her twenty years ago.)

I've been sad and will be sad but it just confirms one thing...LIFE IS SHORT.  Don't wait to do stuff or tell people you love them or think they are wonderful.....tell them now.  Do things now.  Tomorrow...who knows?

So go, get out there.  Live.