Thursday, May 26, 2011

Costco with Two Monsters

Recently I went to Costco with my youngest and his buddy with the promise, ‘I need two things.  If we’re out in ten minutes, we’ll go to McDonalds for ice cream.”  Sounded good, right?

I should have taken bets…I’d have made serious cash. The boys ran, hid and even disappeared behind boxes and shelves I didn’t even notice were there. Every time I asked them to walk with me, stop touching products or stop staring at strangers, they either laughed or ignored me running the other way. I wanted to strangle my child but knew that would scare his friend into never coming over again (not like that’s a bad thing). In the end I asked a big guy employee with a walkie-talkie to pretend to arrest the kids.

He laughed and walked up to the children still hiding behind a box and in a deep authoritative voice said, “Stay with mom or I’ll have to arrest you and take you to jail!”

The boys immediately ran over to me. The friend didn’t leave my side, asking questions like, “What does arrested mean? Where is jail? What is jail like?”

Great…I can see the conversation at his house over dinner…. ”Well son, what did you learn today?”

I answered the boys' questions and reminded him he could come over any time but we’d have to wait they both boys learned to listen.

It’s now been three weeks…........still haven’t heard from his mom.  (not like that's a bad thing either.)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's JUST Flag Football People!

Rarely do I repeat other's words (cause no one’s funnier) but today, I laughed so hard I almost peed.

My oldest plays flag football. Clueless on the game, I just love watching my son run around. It's fun, but the parents around me are insane. It's a problem in all sports, but what do you do? Me? Laugh at the goofy parents.

Well today, an email came down to all players from the City that runs the program and I had to share. Because anyone who's ever played sports or had a child play sports, is going to either laugh or cry.

In the subject; "It's Just Flag Football People!"
The letter starts off....

So this weekend -

1. One Coach challenges another Coach to fight, and calls a Mom a (female dog).

2. One Coach walks on to the field during the game, curses at Refs, gets thrown out of game and refuses to leave the field.

3. One D4 kid (allegedly) repeatedly grabs kids by the neck.

4. One D2 kid (allegedly) throws a punch.

5. A bunch of D3 parents start screaming at every play or call against them, so much that the other team parents have to move.

6. An anonymous parent sends a nasty email to a D2 Coach insinuating the coach purposely "broke a kid's spirit and shattered his confidence" - when the other coach had no issues.

People - this is youth sports - not life or death! The league will react swiftly to this kind of behavior, and we can tell you Coaches will be suspended for life, and kids will be removed from the league for their actions.

We don't have the time, staff or quite frankly, the interest, in reviewing every piece of tape to see that specific "bad/missed" call! And it doesn't matter - you still need to act as a role model and not a raving lunatic.

Please people - check yourself. When 6 year-olds are looking at you like you're crazy... you are.

-The XXX City Board

YES! And depending on your level of parental sportsmanship, you may or may not be laughing but at this point, but all I can say is “AMEN!”

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Pregnant Again?

A few hours ago I thought I was pregnant with my fourth child.  My life is crazy, I don't want any more kids..  And I don't believe in abortion.............but suicide.....!

When Mommy is Sick

I'm on crutches, standing in the doorway talking to my dear friend, Gloria, when my six year old walks up to me with her swimming towel and says, "Mommy, can you hold this?"  followed quickly by, "I'm hungry!  can you get me something to eat?"

I looked down at the girl people have called, my "mini-me" and wondered why she didn't notice my hands were already full, holding handles that allow me to carry my body on two silver sticks. 

For almost 2 weeks I fought this weird infection on my leg.  Staph infection they determined.  Big.  Red.  Nasty. What comes along with Mr. Staff Nasty is fever and pain.  Nice, huh?  I, the mom that never gets sick, was ordered by a couple of doctors to SIT and let others do things for me so the swelling will go down!  Ha!  "Others?"  Did they think I lived in a group home?  I wanted to laugh!  Actually, I think I did.

That first week I was up and down, on and off the couch, giving directions, helping kids, helping my find things, fix things, make things.  As I'm limping in pain over to 'help' my daughter find the tape, she stands starring at me as if she's angry that I'm taking too long. 

The swelling and pain grew so much that one doctor threatened to admit me to the hospital.  YEAH!  But I knew I had one other (better) option.  

The next day, I called the one person that could help savior, my superman.  Superwoman.  I called my Mom.  She understood.  She'd had a husband (he died) and she'd been sick.  She knew exactly how I felt and what I needed!

Even the very thought of calling her caused me to burst into tears.  I could barely speak to make my desperate plea, "Mom, I need you...."   And that was it.  My mom was at my side as soon as she could get a flight.

Since then, things have calmed; my kids are happy, my husband is happy (but still can't find things in his own home, but he's happy), and I'm happy.  No.  I'm blessed.  I've been able to do as the doctors said and do it with love and support all around me.  (which some say, makes healing happen even faster!)

I know Mother's Day is long gone, but your mom, if living, isn't.  Thank her often.

Monday, May 09, 2011

The Puppy-Sitter

It was early morning on Mother's Day and my sister-in-law, Amy, was doing a good deed. Babysitting the neighbor's 6-week old Golden Retriever, in his cage for the night, till my young niece and nephews took him out to play....


Amy ran to the frightened scream to see the tail end of her black thong panties being swallowed by the tiny puppy, "Nooo!"

In an instant, the panties were gone inside the barrel of the dogs' tummy. The family knew they had to get the dog to the vet or risk having to tell their newly divorced neighbor, who purchased the puppy to ease stress on her kids, that puppy was heaven-bound.

Amy grabbed the dog and ran to her car. It wouldn't start!

(This was when, rude as it may seem, I started to laugh.)

It wasn't even 10am on Mother's Day and poor Amy was battling fires she didn't even cause.

(I continued to muffle my laugh as she continued her story...)

Her husband yelled and protested as Amy then climbed into his immaculate, no-dogs-or-children-allowed-car, to transport the underwear infested puppy to the Vet.

Thankfully, the undies were still in the dog's tummy and inducing vomit produced the underwear, his Dorito breakfast and a $385 fee for their trouble.

Days later Amy wondered out loud if she should have let the dog try and digesting the thong, but is still happy she did what she did.

As am I love stories like that!

But if they ever watch another dog again, it will not be on Mother's Day and will not be left unattended with children And her dirty clothes...they will forever make it into the hamper...with a new lid.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Watch the GAME?

Oh...I’m sorry. I’m just not into sports.

I love that my kids play sports.  But when I sit there…I watch my kid.  Not the game. 

Then my mind wanders.  As I watch my kid.....I’m thinking....what will they be like in 30 years, will they get married, what will their job be like, what will they be like?  Will he be nice?  Will he invite me to dinner or call me once in awhile?

Someone shouts, “Did you see that shot?” missed it.

I smile and go back to my thoughts......look at the other kids….as they get older, how will their lives go, who will remain friends when they are my age…who will die early from some weird tragic death?   Will I still be here?  Will my kids be the ones leaving early? 

The man next to me stands and screams, "Yeah!" 

I look to the kids smiling at their latest goal and realize this will be the last time they will ever be this small.  They are so sweet, so innocent, so cute in their pre-teen, pre-acne, pre-I-know-more-than-you-Mom age.

The game is over and my ten year old runs over to me as I smile open my arms to hug him, "Did you win?"

My ten year old stops dead in his tracks, "Didn't you watch?"

I admit the truth, "I watched every second...."

My ten-year old lets out a big sigh as he rolls his eyes and walks toward my husband as I see the early onset of "My Mom is so dumb." 

Truth is....I'm much wiser than he'll ever understand.  I'm a mom.