Saturday, July 21, 2007

Things I learned (What no one will tell you) about selling your home:

1) People come to open houses not because they want to buy it, but because they have nothing else to do, want to fantize about living in a house, or get a thrill out of stealing crap while your realator is on the phone.

2) Realators don't like to work.

3) Realators make you work.

4) Different smelling candles in different rooms will make buyers dizzy and sick in your clean bathroom.

5) Keeping your home 'open house ready' 24-hours a day will send the sweetest of Mothers into a obnoxious tantrum upon seeing the tiniest of crumbs on the floor.

6) Burying a St. Joseph statue on your front lawn will only help a sale if a dog leaves it alone. If a dog does discover it, he'll think it's a toy and dig it up leaving a huge pile of dirt where lovely grass used to lay.

7) If you pick a new realator and he mistakenly lists your house for 120K less than what you decided on, when you fix the mistake, agents will call and say mean things to you and therefore won't show your home to any of their clients.

8) If you hire a photographer to take photos of your home after you've had the carpets clean and the carpets are still wet, if you don't make the photo guy take off his shoes, he'll track mud all over your stairs. If you make him take off his shoes, make sure he doesn't walk on your dirty outside patio or his socks will collect the dirt and when he walks on the wet carpet you will see 15 solid black foot prints behind him as he walks toward you. If he does this, just make sure there is a pillow nearby to catch you because you will faint, pass out of vomit on the spot.

9) If you decide on having a listing sign on your front lawn, make sure your agent knows you want a sign that people will be able to SEE. Make sure you tell him /her that you do not want a sign people can only read if they park their car, get out, walk over to your property and stand on your grass to see and/or read the sign.

10) If you decide to sell your home and it's not selling right away, don't watch the Home and Garden Channel while channel surfing on a Friday night. If you do, you may wake up Saturday morning and have an urge to visit Home Depot and spend $800 you don't have on flowers that will die the day before your next open house.

The biggest lesson I learned: If you have to sell your house, the week after you list your home, get it ready, then: leave. Go to Palm Springs, the mountains or your mother's. If you go, make sure you stay for at least three weeks (or till the house sells) and let your husband or realator deal with the stress of selling your home. While you are gone all you have to do is hang out at the pool, the mall or the beach and watch your children enjoy their summer days like you once lived, without a care in the world.