Monday, June 28, 2010

Reading for Who?"

How I long to dive into a book on a towel under the summer sun. 

Yesterday I tried.  I made sure my kids were all fed, safe and happy.  I made sure my own towel was flat and rid of wet sand from kids' feet and butts.  I laid back, put on my hat and opened my brand new Barnes and Nobel book. 


I was at word number 3 when I heard, "Mom, he's throwing sand!"  "Mom, she's pulling my hair!"  "Mom, your left boobie is hanging out!"

Yes.  Children are lovely.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"A Real Man"

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

"Wrinkle Cream..."

Anti-wrinkle cream?  Ugh....sooooo many choices.  So, which is the best product?

I hate wrinkles.  For a week I said, "No more smiling."  I lasted 4 minutes.   For a week I said, "No more frowning..."  Then my two year old barfed on my lap.

I've been using the same anti-wrinkle stuff since I was 18, perscriptives Line Preventor. (Cause even at 18, I knew I'd done damage to my skin by stupidly 'baking' in the summer sun)  Then my beloved Perscriptives disappeared.  I still don't understand what happened but they are gone...along with a product I can't remember ever not using.

What do I do?  I need a new anti-something.  I went to the mall to find a new anti-wrinkle thing. 
What? Who? How?

I posed the question to each beauty counter:  "What's your best anti-wrinkle cream?"  For the next hour my face was covered with cream after solution after goop.  Each one came with it's own I'd-die-for-my-product sales pitch. 

All I want to know is....why do they make anti-wrinkle creams that must be applied to your face by deep rubbing, causing more wrinkles than when you started???  Anti-wrinkle cream should be light, fluffy, applied on gently without skin moving in any way. 

I'm on the market....anyone use anything they like?  I'm listening.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I never understood the "Twilight" bug.  These middle aged married ladies screaming at a movie and it's young male actors was just ridiculous.  Even on Oprah, when the cast and all these obsessed ladies couldn't stop talking about the movie....I just rolled my eyes at the whole scene.

Then I saw "Twilight."  Three times in two days.  With my kids and husband (who kept uttering, "Who is that girl? She's adorable.  Isn't there a sequel?")

Within days we rented the 2nd one (saw that twice) and now the husband just said to me, 'June 30th....let's go see the next Twilight movie."

Hilarious.  My husband likes a chic flick....haha.  Who can I tell?  Oh...everyone!

"Car Travel With Kids..."


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"The Morning Wake up....."

People with kids wake up because their early risers jump in bed with them.

Not me.  At 3:30am the alarm begins going off, snoozing all the way till a final 5am, nagging me awake each and every time till the husband finally resets it for me and climbs out of bed. 

Peace.  Till the husband walks out of the bedroom and lets the cat in.  Normal cats meow.  Our cat yaks.   Sounding like an old man hobbling to a sink to spit out that 'thing' in his throat, "Aaayk!....Aaayk...Aaayk..." 

I lay there thinking, "Just one more yak...please....only just one more."  It continues.  I climb out of bed, boot the cat from the room, and snuggle back in bed till I hear the birds (yes we have two lovebirds) began their morning quacking.  

Okay, they don't quack, but what they do is high-pitched, loud and annoying either way.  Under a sheet that is supposed to keep them quiet till you take if off, ha.  Baloney.  They do what they want, when they want....cause taking away "TV privileges" won't work on them.

It's 6am...I'm up. 


Monday, June 14, 2010

"Being Too Nice..."

I'm at Borders sitting at a smallish table.  For some reason, people think I'm nice and always ask to sit with me.  Of course I smile and happily go out of my way to move my stuff, chairs or large furniture to make room for them.

Today a seemingly nice lady asked to sit at my table.  I said, "Oh, of course," making room for her.  Oddly, out of the three empty seats, she chooses to sit in the seat RIGHT next to me, puts on headphones and blasts her music so loud I can hear it word for word.  

I've got two columns due tomorrow and I'm listening to Borders music, her music and her breathing.  I kindly motioned for her to turn her music down a bit and she gave me a dirty look with some weird type of growl.

I again asked her to turn it down a bit more and she takes off her headset and says to me in some thick Argentine accent, "It's a FREE country!"

Wow.  Okay.  Am I too nice?  I refused to get up, so I began to make the 30 phone calls I was waiting to do till I got home.   Boy she was happy.  She ended up moving two tables over (I can still hear her music) on the way banging my table so many times it almost broke.

I'm done with sharing my table.  Next time I'll first screen them, make sure they aren't going to be listening to music or talking on the phone.  But I think it's better to go drastic, like start crazy coughing and barely be able to say "I have pneumonia  and still contagious."   Or I'll start picking my nose and without looking at them say "My imaginary friends are already sitting with me and they don't like company."

"Shopping Hell"

"Mom I need new pants...these are too short."

While most women love having any excuse or invitation to go to the mall....I don't.  These words put me into a panic.  A sweaty, add something else to my neverending to-do list panic.

Mall shopping takes so much time.  Trying on, hanging up (out of respect and fear of dirty looks from store employees), hearing repeated complaints of 'it itches!' or 'nothing fits!' or 'I'm hungry!' send me over the edge.

Online shopping is supposed to be easy but in the end, I'm on a single nerve after an hour of hearing, "Click another, don't like it, click another, ew!"  Also, it's ridiculously expensive...specially returning everything no one liked. 

Then some kind soul saves me, "Hey, Laurie, I've got a box of kid clothes...need any?"   A box of hand-me-downs is like a life raft floating to me after the boat went down.  I respond with a gracious hug and a sigh, "Yes.  Please. Thank you."  The clothes arrive and my kids go through them picking what they like, giving the rest to another family. easy hall pass from shopping hell ....

For now...until that next growth spurt...

Friday, June 11, 2010

"Tie Your Shoes.."

Is it bad I'm hoping my son trips and falls so that he will see the importance of tying his shoes?

Only once would be fine.

Daily he'll snidely tell me, "See Mom?  Didn't fall once!"

Dear God,
If you can make it happen..soon.
Only a little blood please.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Say Hello..."

My husband comes home, "I saw Bob and Suzie at the mall..."  I perk up, "No way!  How are they???"  He says, "Oh...I didn't talk to them.  I said I saw them."

In every marriage there is the social one and the one that hides under the couch when the doorbell rings.  I grew up under my Dad's teaching; "Saying hello to people validates them and makes them feel special." Even if that means shouting from one side of the room to the other, "HEY SUE!" a huge smile is always returned and I know, even if they were embarrassed, for a second I made them feel like they mattered.

How can that ever be bad?  Well maybe when I do this and the husband finds a couch to be under, and while climbing down, rips his shirt and shoulder on the metal under-springs and bleds on the carpet.  That's bad.   But my kids have learned well from me.  How proud I am as we leave a friends' home to hear them all saying genuine good-bye's with each friends' names included.

My little one (he has no friends yet) has even resorted to rolling down his car window and yelling "HI!" to anyone that will listen...and while my husband shakes his head, I watch the riders in the other car pass by smiling.

There's your lesson:  Don't be shy....Just say "HI."

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

"Too Many Kids for Friends..."

"Did you see me wave to you at Costco?"

I looked at the beautiful dark-haired woman smiling at me demonstrating the wave she must have given me days earlier as she drove by me in Costco's massive parking lot.

Frustrated at not remembering if I did or I didn't, I stupidly asked, "No...where was I..?"

"Well you were walking with your little one.."

Ugh.  I must not have seen her, returned her glances or even waved back.

I was sad I may have hurt her.  I really like this dark-haired woman.  She always looks into my eyes like she really cares every time we talk.  And she always seems to be 'present' and relaxed in our conversations...not like me, with one eye wandering now and then to see who is doing what to whom and where. 

With my children around, every time I try to talk or even look at anyone resembling an adult, my children fall, disappear, hit each other with hockey sticks, roller scooter into pools fully dressed and get stuck in Pepsi machines.  And that was just last week.

One day, and I hear it's soon, I'm told I will miss these days of not being able to hold a conversation for longer than 6 seconds.

Then again, I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Monday, June 07, 2010

"Earthquakes Suck..."

Am I really too old to scream like a child and run from a building every time the earth shakes in California?

It rattles me to my core to feel and hear the gound move.

Give me Hurricane's, Tornado's and even wind, rain and hail....cause there are advance warnings they are coming. 

Earthquakes are like a massive surprise parties in your honor (even while you are sleeping).  Only you have no idea if the party house will start dropping dressers, celings and walls as you cling to your children and your life praying it will soon stop.

That's when I do the sanity test and ask myself, "How stable am I to moving to location and build a house on ground that sometimes moves and could knock over our house one day?"

But everyone else who lives here isn't worried.

For the moment anyway....


Ever notice people are just too busy to listen? 

They'll even ask a question, and as you answer them, you notice their eyes glass over, a single finger pressing their blackberry as they stare into your eyes and give a general reply, 'Oh....yes...' "

I'd say, "Hey...are you listening to me?" but by then it's not worth bringing it up.

Now it's been happening online.  People don't read

Here's an example:
a) Can you email over a photo for the party video?
b) I did.  I sent them over from my other email - Did you get them?
a) Did you leave it at the office...?  If so I'll pick it up today.
b) No...I emailed photos to you from my other email  20 of them...Did you get them?
a)  Can you only email me a 3 by 3?

A 3 by 3?  It's like I'm speaking Chinese and she's politely responding.

Oh...maybe I pushed the Chinese button on my computer and that is what I'm sending out, and her computer isn't translating it properly.

My bad.

This is why I still like the phone.  The dial one ....the one with the finger you have to insert and then swirl around the whole circle.  And the operator that helps you connect to the person you are praying is home when you call.    I wasn't alive when they had that...but much easier life must have been back then....

Saturday, June 05, 2010

"Party Kid..."

Have you ever had a party where a kid went up into your bedroom and when you found him in there and reminded the five year old that no one is allowed upstairs as well as in your bedroom....he runs past you shouting, "You can't tell me what to do!!"

Then during the same party a ten year old decides he has to see what's in all my kitchen cabinets, opening each and ever drawer when I'm not looking and every time he sees me near the kitchen he asks for water, food or to see in a cabinet he can't reach. Like I'm his maid or god forbid, his mother. Later I find him upstairs in the hallway because, "My dad said it was okay."

If my kids ever behave rude and/or disrespectful in someone else's home at a party our family was invited to, I will ground them till they are 30.

I love parties. I can take people that are drunk, spill stuff, or even don't think to say thank you. But rude kids? They send me over the edge cause I work so hard on manners with my own kids.

I'm now hiding in my bedroom in my pajamas in revenge.

This party was my husband's idea.

Tomorrow I will forgive him.

Tonight is for sulking.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

"Is Anyone Listening?"

I speak.
I speak again.
I speak a third time and he stares straight ahead.

Sometimes I give a direction, "Can you go to the silverware drawer and grab me a spoon...?"
He'll walk toward the drawer where the silverware is kept and open a different drawer and start playing with something he sees....a baggie...a pen...a paperclip.

He'll ask a question, "What is this?"
I'll get sidetracked and want to answer till I realize, "Hey, where is that spoon?"
He looks at me..."Oh." 
He's back to looking for the spoon.

Not even a teenager, this kid is 10.  I've had his hearing tested, I've had his mind analyzed. 

Tonight my husband walks in the door, kisses me as I say, "Babe, don't worry about finding the tissues anymore, I found them.  They were in the cabinet all along."

Without saying a word, he walks back out the door and is gone for 10 minutes.

He comes in, "I can't find those tissues anywhere!"

Oh boy....maybe it's genetic?

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

"The Stinky PayBack..."

It's a daily experience where my husband will walk near me and expel gas from his intestines outward.

Not a worry of me passing out. No concern for my clean air. Nor my contented breathing or oxygen comfort.

Nope. He just lets them go wherever he the kitchen, in the car, while we are eating. No warning, no mention, just out it comes.

I guess he is just comfortable...with his we all should be.

Yes...all of us.

Last night I let one go in our bathroom with my oldest standing next to me. I rarely do this. I hold them tight till they suffocate into mere nothings. But on this night, I had a tummy ache and didn't care. This one was nasty. (You know how yours always smell good to just you. Not today, I almost choked.)

My son shouted, "What is that horrid smell?" He ran out of the room and tears almost fell out with my intense laughter. But I stopped quickly because in a few moments my husband was in the room with the other kids and suddenly he stops and says, "Who pooped and didn't flush?"

I watched him walk to the toilet and see it was empty as he commented, "What is that smell?"

Trying not to laugh (it's a dead giveaway when I'm guilty of anything) I put my face in a towel and said, "See! You do it 80 times a day and we all suffer! Now you know how it feels."

Not even thinking it was me, he doesn't think women do that, he leaves for two minutes coming back with an 80lb can of Lysol from the garage and starts spraying the bathroom. I didn't even know we had that can!

It was all too much...I was going to blow (no pun intended) my I laid down with my face and stifled my laughter in the pillow.

Did I ever tell?
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
(Tee Hee)

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

"Zombies at the TV..."

After a comedy show or a crazy day with the kids...I don't want to talk to my husband, I don't want to read a book or think about my crazy schedule for the next day, I just want to sit down and watch something someone else has done for ME.....effortless, mindless, and always (when you TiVo it) entertaining TV.

Educators tell parents, "TV is bad...TV turns brains into putty."

And why is 'putty' bad for a little while?

Today, after a single request to drive by a tree my three year old likes to look at, I was starting to turn around when he began to kick and scream.  I then told him I was not going back because of his behavior, which only made it worse. 

That was battle #27 for the day.  He was tired.  I was exhausted...and so glad to be home.
I turned on the TV I only use for Mommy-breaks (be honest everyone) and my little guy melted into a quiet zombie-ish state.

Speaking, singing, or even Quacking like a duck doesn't interrupt my kids when the TV is on. 

And if I'm completely honest, a thirty minute rest for all of us makes a much happier home for the rest of the day.

Thank you TV.