Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Cleaning Headache

My mom has a cleaning lady....or ladies.  4 women that sweep through her house in record speed doing crap she loathes; stove, bathroom, toilets.  These ladies have been cleaning her house bi-weekly for as long as when I once lived there.  Now they are all getting old and blind. 

Recently I watched as they swept, mopped and vacuumed my moms house, missing obvious crumbs and a dried coffee spill that any normal eye would have noticed.   Yet at the end, they stood in admiration of the now clean home (or so they thought) as they gloated in appreciation of one for having a home to clean, the other for doing a great job.

As they parted ways till the next visit in two weeks, I quickly picked up a napkin and wiped up the coffee spill and the crumbs. 

I know there is a saying that would go perfect here, but I can't think of is blind?  It only bothers you if you notice?  Friendship is better than a clean home?   

While it annoys me that my mom pays for a service that isn't being done right, she's so happy.  And who am I to ruin that for her?

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Nice Girl

For some reason I'm always aware of people that can't find a place to sit or have trouble fitting in. It's in my blood. I want to help. I have to get up, move chairs or even forgo my own seat to share with another just so someone can fit in and be happy.

But not when I'm working. Once a week I go to a coffee house somewhere to write my column for the magazines I write for. One time a woman came in and when I saw her struggling to find a place to sit, I made room at my table so she'd have a place to sit down. Ten minutes later, she turned on her IPod and began to sing. Loudly.

Thinking I was set up by Ashton Kutcher on PUNK'd....but doubtful because I didn't know him yet....I went ahead and kindly asked her to turn it down. Suddenly she started screaming at me to mind my own business and to get a life. She started singing louder.

I looked around for support. Didn't anyone see me help this lady find a place to sit and now she was abusing me? Nope. People don't want to get involved. They just looked down. I left and went somewhere else.

Weeks later whenever someone else asked if they could share my table, I asked if they had an IPod or liked to sing in public. If they said no to both, they could sit.

Then I had a guy that sat on his phone the whole time laughing, sharing details about his pickups. While it was interesting and useful if I had a dating column, it was loud and distracting.

Another time this guy wanted to sit with me. I told him, "My husband is on his way..." He said he'd move when my husband arrived. Then when my husband arrived, he told us, "I'm not moving there is nowhere else to sit. Why don't you go somewhere else?"

So I've learned. Now when I go to write at a coffee house, I bring a large binder, scraps of notepaper and then I purchase two cups of coffee. I then set up the other side of the table to look like someone else is sitting there. Ahhh. No one asks to sit there cause it looks like that person is in the bathroom.

I'm still nice and helpful. Just not at a coffee place.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Lunch With Laurie

Tonight I have a show.  I love doing standup. Love it.  It's in the blood and must be done weekly or I've been known to get antsy.

But I hate the fact that comedy clubs are only open at night.  

7pm I'm leaving as my kids stare at me as if  I'm moving out.  Once at the show....if I beg to go on first and perform right away so I can get home fast, chances are I won't be 'seen' by agents, producers or people that can put me on Leno, Joy Behar, or Judge Judy (, not her)  Cause those important people don't seem to even come out till after I'm usually in bed.

Unlike most comics who sleep till noon, I'm up at dawn and put me up to perform past 9:30pm, I've been known to yawn on stage.  And that's attractive. 

I dream about working during the day, and am moving forward with my new show title: 
"Lunch with Laurie"

No more angry, sad stares from my kids, just everything I love:  Day, food and laughter.

Why didn't I think of this before? 

Alright...who's got a women's luncheon coming up? 

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Little Love on V-Day

It wasn't that hard. I saw some candy boxes and thought about my older neighbors, some married for 50 years, some widowed, and some I'm sure hadn't received a Valentine in years. So I planned a little 'happy.'

My kids and I put cut out pink squares, wrote "Happy Valentine’s Day" and delivered them to the doors of women (old and young) in our neighborhood.

I was so proud, my kids were so thrilled (after they screamed at each other about who would deliver what, and who was delivering more than someone else!). Bottom line it was just a fun little 'life lesson' on showing appreciation for women and making others feel special.

The response was so unbelievable, even my tween boy (who won't let me kiss him in public anymore) said, "I'm so happy we did that Mom."

Bottom line; Where others may say, "Ugh, why bother...." That's when you can say, "Hey, why not?"

Making someone else feel happy will make you feel even better.

Seattle's Best? A Cup of Water Puh-leeze?

I spent $13.65 on a three coffees and a muffin-thing for my littlest tot.  Thirty seconds later I went back and asked for an ice water.

"50 cents."

I laughed. Really? For ice water?

"We have to pay for the cup...."

My friend (for whom I just purchased a coffee), as well as a stranger in line both offered to pay for my water.

I was so shocked, it froze me. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. Was I on candid camera? Was I being poked by someone on facebook? (never sure what that does, but yesterday I was walking funny because I had some weird pain in my leg. I think I got poked?)

Yes, I know the economy is hurting. People are hurting. Yet, here I am, patronizing a store. Instead of making coffee at home and drinking water for free, I chose this store to visit. And bring some friends (oh and a child). Then I get smacked with a ‘are-you-kidding-me fee.'

Being the bad-ass the mother in me won’t allow. I didn't pay it. I told her ‘Hmmm…no thanks.”

As I walked back to my friends (laughing at me as they do), I saw the girl behind the counter look me in the eyes and throw the cup of water into the trash. (Maybe she thought I’d wait till they close the store, climb in the dumpster and go get the precious cup of water…. that by now I'm sure she had poisoned?)

The silliness of it all.

My other friend went next door and got a huge cup of water in a plastic cup (with ice and a straw) from another restaurant. For free! And we didn't buy anything there!

(Last week, the counter clerk at Noah’s Bagels overheard someone say it was my b-day and not only did he give me a free bagel, later he brought out a tray of fresh fruit. Did he know me? No. But I now know him. Will I come back? Triple yes! That place is awesome. The people there are awesome! Oh and they have free cups for ice water.)

Seattle’s Best? Are you listening?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Waiting To Fix It

What on your body do you want fixed?   My knee bears an old acl tear, my tummy ripped and has a hernia from three kids growing in there, my boobs got the same treatment, my bladder (ha), my foot has some small weird callus growing that makes it painful to step on.  I'm sure there's more but I'm already embarrassed.

My husband says, "Can you do your boobs first?"

It's a nice idea but I know that road looks long, painful and is full of , "Why is Mommy just sitting there?"

Then I think...why bother?  Another 40 years I'll be dead...who really cares anyway?  And how mad would I be if I do some of this stuff then get hit by a truck?

That must be what old people think when their kids suggest they buy new furniture or redo their kitchen thinking, " can do it when I'm gone!"

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Stress Call of an Ex

It was a death alarm, "BAMM!  BAMM!  BAMM!"

My heart stopped!  I ran for cover fearing America was under attack as my friend Sara grabbed her phone and said, "Ugh!  It's my ex!"

Later I asked why she had such a loud horrid ring attached to him.

She said, "Cause I hate him.  Every time he calls, he just stresses me out!"

I giggled....I didn't even know the guy and just from that ring, I hated him too. 

Sara said, 'That's the point."

Monday, February 07, 2011

Too Young to Look?

I caught my four-year-old son looking at my Victoria Secret Catalog over my shoulder. 

He gave me a grin and said, "Those are fancy girls."

Aren't Wii Old!?

What a sight!  Eighteen 35-45 year old adults, smart and educated, making good decent money, completely baffled.  Unable to figure out how to use the white Wii equipment until someone finally yelled, "Go wake up the kids!"

It was 10:30pm when my husband ran up the stairs to wake up one of our kids to help Mommy and Daddy play "Just Dance" on the Wii.

Thankfully before he woke a sleeping child, someone shouted, "We got it!"

It was a hilarious night.  Not only did we realize we're old, we now know our kids are smarter than us. some areas anyway.  Just yesterday my eldest tried to staple his finger to a wall.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Help Wanted: Sick Mom Need Appreciative Kids

After announcing I had a 102 fever and begging my husband to take our three kids to school, he responded that he was late, way too busy and that, "why don't you keep the kids home today and just have fun with them."

Speechless I watched him walk out the door.

Have you ever been sick and had to take care of children?  I'd sooner die. Maybe that was the point.  Maybe instead of plotting to try and kill me, my husband would get me to kill myself.

I had to take the kids to school.  I put on an ugly hat (so no one would recognize or talk to me), unmatching coat and old stained UGG Boots.

Sadly two of my kids also fell sick and had to come back home with me.  Together we spent the day on the couch.  Wait.  Let me rephrase that...they spent the day on the couch, I spent the day preparing, cooking and serving various foods, beverages, spreading blankets, fluffing pillows, fetching water, fetching ice, changing channels and breaking up ridiculous fights that always ended with me yelling like a two-year-old, "Are you kidding me?  I'm the one who is sick!" 

No one cared.  At one point my eleven year old cocked his head and looked at me like speaking wasn't an option and said, "Moms don't get sick."

Oh...yes. That's right.  I forgot.  I'm a Mom.  I'm not supposed to get sick.  I'm just supposed to...die?

So, that's what I did.   I laid on the floor and pretended to be dead. 

No one noticed...they already ate.

For like 3.2 minutes I laid still on the floor.   Relaxed.  Happy.  Till the phone rang and Daddy said he was coming home.

I wanted to sing.  I think I did.  It was just a vowel.  Like an angel.  "Ahhhhhh..." 

It was then I went to my bed, curled into a ball and didn't say boo till the following morning. 

Then it was back to business:  Where are my clothes?  What's for breakfast?  Why didn't you die? 

Friday, February 04, 2011

My Brain Is Not Alone! The Memory Problems....

The Chairman, Sara, kept calling and nagging at me that many of my parent volunteers hadn't turned in their forms.  Oddly my volunteers kept telling me they were in fact confirmed and that they had paid weeks earlier.  I seriously thought someone was lying, on drugs or delusional...till Sara called to tell me she 'goofed.'   I believe the word she used was, "Whoops!" followed by a giggle.

Just today a woman who I thought had been avoiding me for months finally snapped at me that I still hadn't  paid her for a costume she gave me.  Really?  I thought I had?  "Nope. Never," she told me.  I went home, dug, researched, called the bank and found out not only did I write her a check, she actually signed and cashed it 5 days later.

After I told her I had a copy of the check and her signature, she still seemed angry with me.  Maybe now it was embarrassment? 

Either way.....I'm thrilled!!!   I always thought it was just me that was losing my memory!  Turns out, we're ALL losing it!!!  I'm not alone!