Friday, December 28, 2012

Happy Wife, Happy Life

Let's repeat that:  Happy Wife, Happy Life.

I know it. 

You know it. 

They know it.

Does husband forget?  No.

Does husband want to be difficult?  No.

Does husband think he should show a little muscle, be the man and stand up? Yes.

Big mistake.

Standing up is dangerous......only because then....nothing gets done, everyone is miserable.

And for why? 

So a certain food is served, a small painting is hung on a wall....?

Let's start at the very beginning:  Happy Wife, Happy Life

Live in the moment.  This moment.  Now.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Cheap Sunglasses Rock!

The doctor’s office called. I left my sunglasses at their office.

The bargain pair of sunglasses I bought in Venice at some cheap stand for $5....FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!! I still have them!

Cause the expensive ones...? The ones costing $200+, I lose within hours of purchasing. One pair I bought, went to dinner and left them at the restaurant table. The restaurant knows nothing. Another time
I went straight to a private house party and never saw them again.

Of course the 'Venice' ones have been lost dozens of time, but have some kind of magnet spell on them that strangers will go out of their way to flag me down in crowds. Like the teenager that chased me for a block before handing me my old and scratched eyeshades. Or the 300 lb woman that sat on them and they didn't even crack!

Yes....the good ones we lose...but the cheap ones stick with us for...well...ever.

Hmmm...that's kinda like my mantra on high school boyfriends.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I Hate Baseball....

Baseball and Boring are synonymous.

Here in my city when you have a kid in baseball, you have to parent volunteer in the snack stand. That means, two 2.5 hour shifts. A total of 5 hours per kid registered for baseball.

That wouldn't be a big deal (parents volunteering) to help keep costs down, but costs aren't down.  Last time I checked, paying to put my kid in baseball was same cost as sports that don't have snack stand duty!

The baseball league has 5 stands/fields in our city and let me tell you…when I am forced to work….as I was twice this season, it’s free food for the family. crappy food...which means nothing....cause no one eats anything anyway...but if we wanted to I'd have let them!

Best pay back for me?  When kids come up, asking for nachos… or beans…or cup a soup....or anything involving opening a can, heating, or making a bigger mess with pots and pans…I say sweetly, “No, so sorry we are out tonight.” 

Why? Cause I have to clean up too – and that’s outside the 5 hours total we have to work!! So when I work, it’s packaged snack stand food and drink only.

Don't be all mad at me till you hear the next tidbit: Those five snack stands make over $350,000 for the year!! I’m not sure where that $$ goes but it’s not saving me any on baseball fees or paying to have a high school student work in my place for minimum wage!
So I do what I can to survive.

Thankfully, no one from my area reads these.  (if they did, they'd agree!)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Dear Moms of Boys....

"I hate my mother-in-law..." 
Well, that's what I used to say till some type of Alzheimers set in making her quite the happy, forget-what-daughter-in-law-did-wrong-now, person.

But if all girls want to spend time with their own Moms, when do the Husband Mom's win?

She doesn't.

Course this topic never concerned me.....till two of my three kids came out as BOYS. Suddenly I'm concerned. Now, I know it's not fair that that most husbands blow off their own Mom just to make wifey-poo happy. It's smart for the marriage, but not fair to the 'boys' Mom who endured years of hell raising that kid for him to just....leave her?

Now I"m thinking about my own grown-ups, where will they spend their holidays? With the girlfriend? The wife? Will they even invite me over when that first grandbaby is born? Will they call? Write? Text? Will I even know?

I have a girlfriend who spends every single summer with her Mother-in-law. Often times without her husband (M-I-L's son)! Why? M-I-L has a summer home on a lake!!!

Where do her boys beg to go every summer? The lake! To see Grandma on Dad's side!
Grandma years for me may be a long way off....but not the plan to get something in place that future grandkids will want to visit!

I chuckled as I attempted to brainwash my youngest last weekend. I rubbed his temples and spoke that slow scary deep cadence, "When you grow up and move out, you will call and visit me..."

Visibly laughing my five year old boy crawled away from me and pointed to his temple, "If I don't, you'll always be in here."
My mouth dropped.  Maybe it's hopeless work against built-in man-genetics?

Just then the phone rang. My M-I-L wanted to know if we could come to her house for Christmas this year.

I paused. Gave it two seconds of deep constructive thought and said, "My mom already asked us this year...maybe you all could come to their house too?"

It wasn't the Christmas I imagined but how could I expect my boys to remember to invite me when I didn't invite 'her?'

....I guess if I'm lucky I'll be dead before all the chaos.

Monday, March 19, 2012

How NOT To Refinance with a Crappy Bank

I hate banks!

In trying to refinance our mortgage, I can't.   Our house value has fallen below that 80/20.   I'm still hopeful a bank out there will lend a girl with an over 800 credit score cash, right? 

You would think? 

Even our current mortgage company, CitiBank, that has our mortgage doesn't treat me like a loyal-paying-on-time-customer. No, to refinance, they want us to go through the whole process as if we were a brand new customer.

I said, "You already have our loan! So I don't leave your bank, can't you just lower our rate!"

"Nooo...."  Cause then they'd be giving up my high percentage loan for a lower rate loan.  That's sweet for the customer but stupid for the bank trying to make $$ off me. 

So I've been emailing random lenders.  Here is the response from a local bank in my town, Manhattan Beach, CA.  

Thanks for the email….

You will be unable to get a loan with no equity….Government is only helping out on the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac loans….You have 3 options:
·         Try and negotiate with your current lender
·         Call an attorney for assistance… might have to stop making payments and ruin your credit…I have a great attorney for this…with good results…
·         Wait until values come back “which could be a long time” and then refinance….

Oh.  Okay.  So he advises me to stop paying my mortgage, be delinquent on my loan, ruin my credit and THEN the government will help me refinance and get a better loan?

Wow.  That's the best stupidest advice I've ever had!!  I ache for people that listen to him....   

Why can't banks help people who have excellent credit and pay bills on time?

Hmm....I hate to say it, "That's the America way!"

If you have thoughts, advice or the will to pass this post onto a newspaper or some intelligent person who could get it to another person that could do something about this mortgage-problem-for-good-Americans-that-pay-their-bills, let me know here or at

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Best Ant Farm EVER!

I'm not a fan of ants. They make me uneasy. If I see one on the floor, I freak. If I see one in my house, I'm known to squeal like a baby. Cause I know they travel in packs. Well, long lines-of-friends-packs. If there is one...there are thousands....zillions!

But I think they are cool to watch. I had an Ant Farm when I was a kid and watching my own kids experience an Ant Farm was a real treat and worth double the $29.99 I paid for the package!

They are very interesting to watch. If I find a line of them heading somewhere, I'll often stop to spit a huge hunk of siliva just to see what they do now that a giant 'flood' has blocked their path. That I find facinating. Cause they are outside in their world.

Then I saw this video below. It is truly one of the COOLEST things I have EVER, EVER, seen! With barely enough time to pee during the day, these people have opened up a real life HUGE ant village from deep in the earth! Amazing.

Get the kids and the husband and watch this 3 minute video!

Monday, March 12, 2012

What Style...?

Whoever said we need to look perfect all the time should be shot.

I enjoy wearing mistmatched comfy old sweat pants and Ugg boots almost as much as I enjoy putting on a sexy dress and heels.

Course when I don 20 year old soft red sweatpants, my kids give me the evil eye, "Really? You're wearing THAT?"

In an evil sick way, that just smile more.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

What Women Vegas

It feels like Groundhog day. Yesterday I spent the day picking up after all my kids and my husband. Last night, I went to bed and woke up to the exact same messy house I was in a day earlier.

I need a trip.



I don't need an affair or a penis. I just want to be with girls (oh, uh, women now) who understand my daily 'Ugh" moments. So I emailed 4 of them the following:

I need a weekend away with girls to do the following:

1) Sit by a pool and not have to get anyone anything.
2) Eat food I don’t have to create, cook or clean.
3) Sit by a pool, play a game of scrabble (?), cards or beer pong
4) Relax and not be stressed to run to this or that, for this person or that person
5) Maybe swim in the pool (I’m willing to live dangerous) and secretly stare at men with sexy strong bodies that once used to mirror my husbands'.
6) Think thoughts I want to think (go back to #5 and remember lookinging is not cheating)
7) Maybe stare at a cloud
8) Eat, play & talk with friends about life, love and how lucky we are to have each other (as imperfect as we all are.)

It's been 3 hours. The only replies I've had are:

1) Can my husband come?
2) Can I check with my husband?
3) My husband won't let me.

Sigh....Anyone else?

Monday, February 20, 2012

Man's Dictionary For Women

Man's Dictionary For Women:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: The calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

(4) Go Ahead: This is not permission, this is a dare. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of "nothing".)

(6) That's Okay: The most dangerous statement a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (Exceptions include when she says 'Thanks a lot' - then she is using sarcasm and not thanking you at all. Under no circumstances reply, 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever' - see below).

(8) Whatever: A woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: This is something a woman says after she's told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Punishment Must Fit the Crime

My son came home with a detention for forgetting his book in another class.

Okay, fine.

I'm not the teacher, but if there are punishments on kids for forgetting, I'll just be thankful I"m not in school being policed or I'd be in trouble hourly!

The problem I had with the detention is that it was at 7:30AM. AM. Before school. Before my morning is complete. Before I pick up all the neighborhood kids for carpool.

Wait ....Mom is not headed for detention....why do I have to stress to rearange five other kids and my morning because one son has detention?

I was on a complaining rolling rant last night, " is early morning detention going to prove anything? It's just creating stess! Havoic! I"m calling the school! He can suffer a punishment during recess or lunch! Not screw with my morning!"

The husband suddenly stopped me and said, "Hey, this is good for him. Getting up a little earlier. It's no problem fo rme. I'll stay home from work and get him to school by 7:30am."

"Oh....okay." Ranting over. Problem solved.

This morning, my son woke up early, while the husband chose to sleep in an extra 10 minutes. My son came down at 6:50am and together we packed up his bag, got his 'due-today' science project ready by the door and even made his favorite egg breakfast!

At 7:15am, my son and I were both were milling about waiting for my husband, now in the shower to come down and take my son to school. At 7:20 totally ready to walk out the door, my son was still eating slowly knowing full well that my husband still had to pack up his work computer and make his own breakfast before they could leave the house.

Then, like a California tornado (that doesn't exist, but if it did, it would sound similiar to the noise coming from my own home this morning) the husband began yelling at my son that if my son woke up earlier they wouldn't be late.

The husband then spouted off a few more comments that included, "I'm not taking you to school today! You need to call your teacher and tell her why you didn't make it to detention!"

To say my 12 year old was devistated doesn't even touch the emotions I played witness to coming out of my child.

But now, 'Mom' was back on the hook to call school and explain now (after the fact) why my child wasn't at detention.

Going back to my original point: Detention shouldn't inconvenience the parent, but the child that receives it. It should teach a lesson, so a child learns from it, so he won't do it again.

Sadly all my son learned was: Don't ask Dad to take you to school...ever.

I'm sure in a few hours the husband will realize he was the cause of this morning's events and maybe even appologize to me or even agree with me that any detention causing parents stress or worry aren't doing anyone any good.

But that would be admitting Mom was right. And for Dad, oh boy, that's so hard to do.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Swearing in Church

Limping into church on crutches to see my son's preschool performance, I tripped and quietly said, "Oh shit..."  My mom behind me was not happy, "God damn it, Laurie! Stop swearing!  We're in church for fuck sake!"