The Screw-up of San Francisco

Really? Who's idea was it to put a major city on top of a massive hill?

Like most mountain roads builders built them with safety in mind. They go side to side like you do when you ski a mountain.

Not San Fran! Whoever designed that city said, "Nope! Our people are face adversity! Our roads will go straight up and straight down!"

Later as global warming set in, someone must have said, "Let's just hope it never snows here."

Who Stole My Time?

Five minutes ago it was 9am, now it's 1pm!

When I was a kid in school, I'd stare at that big white time counter, watching the second hand click and click, using my brain, my magic power from watching "Bewitched" to make that black pointer click faster, just a bit faster...so I could be free!!!!

Never worked.  The day dragged on.  Slow and painful.

Now, today and every day.....I wish that clock back in my life.

The Cleaning Headache

My mom has a cleaning lady....or ladies.  4 women that sweep through her house in record speed doing crap she loathes; stove, bathroom, toilets.  These ladies have been cleaning her house bi-weekly for as long as when I once lived there.  Now they are all getting old and blind. 

Recently I watched as they swept, mopped and vacuumed my moms house, missing obvious crumbs and a dried coffee spill that any normal eye would have noticed.   Yet at the end, they stood in admiration of the now clean home (or so they thought) as they gloated in appreciation of one another...one for having a home to clean, the other for doing a great job.

As they parted ways till the next visit in two weeks, I quickly picked up a napkin and wiped up the coffee spill and the crumbs. 

I know there is a saying that would go perfect here, but I can't think of it....hmmm....beauty is blind?  It only bothers you if you notice?  Friendship is better than a clean home?   

While it annoys me that my mom pays for a service that isn't being done right, she's so happy.  And who am I to ruin that for her?

The Nice Girl

For some reason I'm always aware of people that can't find a place to sit or have trouble fitting in. It's in my blood. I want to help. I have to get up, move chairs or even forgo my own seat to share with another just so someone can fit in and be happy.

But not when I'm working. Once a week I go to a coffee house somewhere to write my column for the magazines I write for. One time a woman came in and when I saw her struggling to find a place to sit, I made room at my table so she'd have a place to sit down. Ten minutes later, she turned on her IPod and began to sing. Loudly.

Thinking I was set up by Ashton Kutcher on PUNK'd....but doubtful because I didn't know him yet....I went ahead and kindly asked her to turn it down. Suddenly she started screaming at me to mind my own business and to get a life. She started singing louder.

I looked around for support. Didn't anyone see me help this lady find a place to sit and now she was abusing me? Nope. People don't want to get involved. They just looked down. I left and went somewhere else.

Weeks later whenever someone else asked if they could share my table, I asked if they had an IPod or liked to sing in public. If they said no to both, they could sit.

Then I had a guy that sat on his phone the whole time laughing, sharing details about his pickups. While it was interesting and useful if I had a dating column, it was loud and distracting.

Another time this guy wanted to sit with me. I told him, "My husband is on his way..." He said he'd move when my husband arrived. Then when my husband arrived, he told us, "I'm not moving there is nowhere else to sit. Why don't you go somewhere else?"

So I've learned. Now when I go to write at a coffee house, I bring a large binder, scraps of notepaper and then I purchase two cups of coffee. I then set up the other side of the table to look like someone else is sitting there. Ahhh. No one asks to sit there cause it looks like that person is in the bathroom.

I'm still nice and helpful. Just not at a coffee place.

Lunch With Laurie

Tonight I have a show.  I love doing standup. Love it.  It's in the blood and must be done weekly or I've been known to get antsy.

But I hate the fact that comedy clubs are only open at night.  

7pm I'm leaving as my kids stare at me as if  I'm moving out.  Once at the show....if I beg to go on first and perform right away so I can get home fast, chances are I won't be 'seen' by agents, producers or people that can put me on Leno, Joy Behar, or Judge Judy (wait...no, not her)  Cause those important people don't seem to even come out till after I'm usually in bed.

Unlike most comics who sleep till noon, I'm up at dawn and put me up to perform past 9:30pm, I've been known to yawn on stage.  And that's attractive. 

I dream about working during the day, and am moving forward with my new show title: 
"Lunch with Laurie"

No more angry, sad stares from my kids, just everything I love:  Day, food and laughter.

Why didn't I think of this before? 

Alright...who's got a women's luncheon coming up? 

A Little Love on V-Day

It wasn't that hard. I saw some candy boxes and thought about my older neighbors, some married for 50 years, some widowed, and some I'm sure hadn't received a Valentine in years. So I planned a little 'happy.'

My kids and I put cut out pink squares, wrote "Happy Valentine’s Day" and delivered them to the doors of women (old and young) in our neighborhood.

I was so proud, my kids were so thrilled (after they screamed at each other about who would deliver what, and who was delivering more than someone else!). Bottom line it was just a fun little 'life lesson' on showing appreciation for women and making others feel special.

The response was so unbelievable, even my tween boy (who won't let me kiss him in public anymore) said, "I'm so happy we did that Mom."

Bottom line; Where others may say, "Ugh, why bother...." That's when you can say, "Hey, why not?"

Making someone else feel happy will make you feel even better.

Seattle's Best? A Cup of Water Puh-leeze?

I spent $13.65 on a three coffees and a muffin-thing for my littlest tot.  Thirty seconds later I went back and asked for an ice water.

"50 cents."

I laughed. Really? For ice water?

"We have to pay for the cup...."

My friend (for whom I just purchased a coffee), as well as a stranger in line both offered to pay for my water.

I was so shocked, it froze me. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. Was I on candid camera? Was I being poked by someone on facebook? (never sure what that does, but yesterday I was walking funny because I had some weird pain in my leg. I think I got poked?)

Yes, I know the economy is hurting. People are hurting. Yet, here I am, patronizing a store. Instead of making coffee at home and drinking water for free, I chose this store to visit. And bring some friends (oh and a child). Then I get smacked with a ‘are-you-kidding-me fee.'

Being the bad-ass the mother in me won’t allow. I didn't pay it. I told her ‘Hmmm…no thanks.”

As I walked back to my friends (laughing at me as they do), I saw the girl behind the counter look me in the eyes and throw the cup of water into the trash. (Maybe she thought I’d wait till they close the store, climb in the dumpster and go get the precious cup of water…. that by now I'm sure she had poisoned?)

The silliness of it all.

My other friend went next door and got a huge cup of water in a plastic cup (with ice and a straw) from another restaurant. For free! And we didn't buy anything there!

(Last week, the counter clerk at Noah’s Bagels overheard someone say it was my b-day and not only did he give me a free bagel, later he brought out a tray of fresh fruit. Did he know me? No. But I now know him. Will I come back? Triple yes! That place is awesome. The people there are awesome! Oh and they have free cups for ice water.)

Seattle’s Best? Are you listening?

Waiting To Fix It

What on your body do you want fixed?   My knee bears an old acl tear, my tummy ripped and has a hernia from three kids growing in there, my boobs got the same treatment, my bladder (ha), my foot has some small weird callus growing that makes it painful to step on.  I'm sure there's more but I'm already embarrassed.

My husband says, "Can you do your boobs first?"

It's a nice idea but I know that road looks long, painful and is full of , "Why is Mommy just sitting there?"

Then I think...why bother?  Another 40 years I'll be dead...who really cares anyway?  And how mad would I be if I do some of this stuff then get hit by a truck?

That must be what old people think when their kids suggest they buy new furniture or redo their kitchen thinking, "Nah...you can do it when I'm gone!"
 

The Stress Call of an Ex

It was a death alarm, "BAMM!  BAMM!  BAMM!"

My heart stopped!  I ran for cover fearing America was under attack as my friend Sara grabbed her phone and said, "Ugh!  It's my ex!"

Later I asked why she had such a loud horrid ring attached to him.

She said, "Cause I hate him.  Every time he calls, he just stresses me out!"

I giggled....I didn't even know the guy and just from that ring, I hated him too. 

Sara said, 'That's the point."

Too Young to Look?

I caught my four-year-old son looking at my Victoria Secret Catalog over my shoulder. 

He gave me a grin and said, "Those are fancy girls."

Aren't Wii Old!?

What a sight!  Eighteen 35-45 year old adults, smart and educated, making good decent money, completely baffled.  Unable to figure out how to use the white Wii equipment until someone finally yelled, "Go wake up the kids!"

It was 10:30pm when my husband ran up the stairs to wake up one of our kids to help Mommy and Daddy play "Just Dance" on the Wii.

Thankfully before he woke a sleeping child, someone shouted, "We got it!"

It was a hilarious night.  Not only did we realize we're old, we now know our kids are smarter than us.  Well...in some areas anyway.  Just yesterday my eldest tried to staple his finger to a wall.

Help Wanted: Sick Mom Need Appreciative Kids

After announcing I had a 102 fever and begging my husband to take our three kids to school, he responded that he was late, way too busy and that, "why don't you keep the kids home today and just have fun with them."

Speechless I watched him walk out the door.

Have you ever been sick and had to take care of children?  I'd sooner die. Maybe that was the point.  Maybe instead of plotting to try and kill me, my husband would get me to kill myself.

I had to take the kids to school.  I put on an ugly hat (so no one would recognize or talk to me), unmatching coat and old stained UGG Boots.

Sadly two of my kids also fell sick and had to come back home with me.  Together we spent the day on the couch.  Wait.  Let me rephrase that...they spent the day on the couch, I spent the day preparing, cooking and serving various foods, beverages, spreading blankets, fluffing pillows, fetching water, fetching ice, changing channels and breaking up ridiculous fights that always ended with me yelling like a two-year-old, "Are you kidding me?  I'm the one who is sick!" 

No one cared.  At one point my eleven year old cocked his head and looked at me like speaking wasn't an option and said, "Moms don't get sick."

Oh...yes. That's right.  I forgot.  I'm a Mom.  I'm not supposed to get sick.  I'm just supposed to...die?

So, that's what I did.   I laid on the floor and pretended to be dead. 

No one noticed...they already ate.

For like 3.2 minutes I laid still on the floor.   Relaxed.  Happy.  Till the phone rang and Daddy said he was coming home.

I wanted to sing.  I think I did.  It was just a vowel.  Like an angel.  "Ahhhhhh..." 

It was then I went to my bed, curled into a ball and didn't say boo till the following morning. 

Then it was back to business:  Where are my clothes?  What's for breakfast?  Why didn't you die? 

My Brain Is Not Alone! The Memory Problems....

The Chairman, Sara, kept calling and nagging at me that many of my parent volunteers hadn't turned in their forms.  Oddly my volunteers kept telling me they were in fact confirmed and that they had paid weeks earlier.  I seriously thought someone was lying, on drugs or delusional...till Sara called to tell me she 'goofed.'   I believe the word she used was, "Whoops!" followed by a giggle.

Just today a woman who I thought had been avoiding me for months finally snapped at me that I still hadn't  paid her for a costume she gave me.  Really?  I thought I had?  "Nope. Never," she told me.  I went home, dug, researched, called the bank and found out not only did I write her a check, she actually signed and cashed it 5 days later.

After I told her I had a copy of the check and her signature, she still seemed angry with me.  Maybe now it was embarrassment? 

Either way.....I'm thrilled!!!   I always thought it was just me that was losing my memory!  Turns out, we're ALL losing it!!!  I'm not alone!

Coupon Retarded

After watching these shows on TV where women save hundreds of dollars by using coupons, I realize I am coupon retarded.

Below is the letter I mailed to Dentyne Gum....

Dear Dentyne Customer Service,

Awhile back I called you because product I had purchased (still good and not past it’s expiry date) was bad. It was wet. We’d never had such an experience with your gum.

I called to tell you about our bad product. You were so kind and sent me coupons for free replacement product.

Unlike all those coupons lovers I admire on TV, saving hundreds each shopping trip. Coupons and I do not get along.  I forget I have them, or I bring them and forget to pull them out, or my purse eats them.

Yet, grateful you sent me coupons for replacing the product, I should have marched to the store and redeemed them. But I'm a mom of three (four if you count the husband) and when I got the coupons, they went into my purse (things get lost in there) and then they went on a shelf so I could ‘SEE’ and remember to ‘use’ them. And then they went back in my purse…till I went to use them this very last week and after pulling them out, thrilled that not only did I remember to bring them, but I remembered to present them to the cashier! I was so proud!

Till she said, “These expired last week…”

What? Really? How does that happen? Is this candid camera?

I’ve enclosed the three coupons you sent me to please help me:

1) Replace the coupons for me? And I’ll do the “march to the store, do not pass go” thing.
2) Never write you again.
 
Ok....I mailed it off today....let's see what happens....?

Moms are Watching

I was sitting with my kids at a gymnastics class when this kid suddenly spoke, "God Damn it!"  I turned toward the eight-ish looking girl and spoke in a tone, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Startled the girl looked up at me, the stranger, but yet still a mom, and said, "Oh, yes, sorry, I meant 'dang' it..." 

The girl went back to her math a little flustered and nervous.

I smiled.

That's the warning I give to my kids daily, "I know you are smart and will always do the right thing, but in case you forget, I have spies everywhere."

When I saw the girl's mom, I introduced myself and shared what happened with her daughter.  She and I had a nice giggle as we reconfirmed what we already know:  We like the nonjudgmental Moms that help keep kids in line.

Too Many Clothes

I’m the American Girl:  

I have a closet full of clothes, and yet I have NOTHING to wear.   I have clothes with tags on them….that I know I will never wear.  But I can’t get rid of them cause then I’ll be admitting I made a mistake. 

So I’m saving them….till my daughter grows up or my husband becomes a drag queen.

Best Thing about A&E's "Hoarders"

What is the best thing about watching "Hoarders" on A&E? 

Besides feeling deeply amazed and horribly sad that a human can simply live with such horrid clutter, I'm also completely elated that my own home (daily scattered in toy and random recently worn and piled "I'll do it later" clothing) is sparkly clean in comparison.

(It's the same feeling I get when I go to Disneyland feeling fat because my jeans wouldn't button with normal breathing. Walking through Disney, I'm shocked to see the abundance of heavy normal American people and recognize, I'm doing fine.)

Yet that hoarder show puts me in action. It makes me clean. I tape episodes to watch when I need motivation to clean out that closet. And let me tell you, when it comes to "keep or toss?" after one episode, even 1/2 an episode, I can move quickly without that mental debates; "Maybe I’ll wear this when pink miniskirts come back again in six years?"

Thank you A&E.

The Smile

I've met her five or six times.  I've talked with her at length.  Yet, I've never, ever seen her smile.  I've even caught myself staring at her lips (where her 'smile wrinkles' sit) wondering if it's a facial deficiency that won't make her face smile or if it's...her?

She wasn't the happiest person.  Mostly she complains.  And what she does talk about is either depressing or negative.  I often thought of just telling her, since she isn't a great friend I can do that and not feel too guilty.  And, maybe she doesn't even know she's such a downer? 

Sitting with her today, I got up my courage to speak frankly to her when it happened.  A little 1/2 one, to the left, under her nose.  A creak of a smile.  And just as fast as it happened, it was gone.  I almost shrieked with glee!  I was so distracted, I forgot what we were talking about!

In the end, I decided to keep my opinion to myself taking my old saying to heart, "I love my friends because of their faults...."   Even though she wasn't really a friend, maybe just being with me caused that halfer smile to appear...and well, if I can do that for a human that never smiles, maybe she'll learn to laugh a little more.  Or maybe not.

All I know is that when you smile, you create happiness in your heart.  So go smile at someone.

The Titanic

Did you know it took 3 years to build the Titanic Boat?  And on the first trip it's over.  Scary. 

And people laugh at me when I say I'm scared to fly.

Stopping Traffic

What recession? The malls are packed.

Out of nowhere all these people that had all year to shop, decide to come to the same mall. (Of course I was there because my kids wanted to see Santa and I did need one more gift!)

On the way out I was right between 3 cars backing out at the same time. A angry-rushed man in his 50's, a lady who must have slept with the devil and an old woman well into her 90's and probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel of a car let alone outside in the holiday shopper chaos.

My kids were behind me as I stopped them and at the same time screamed to halt a triple car collision. The drivers all looked at me as if I was crazy and then the angry man, seeing the other cars stop, took his chances to get out first. I stopped him. "Hey!" I held up my palm and stood in his way as I directed the older woman (I swear she could barely see above her dash) to back out and drive off first. I chose her because she needed the most help and at this time in the world, we should really be treating older people with massive amounts of respect.

The man grumbled, the lady started swearing at me and the little older woman took a good 3 minutes to back out and pull away, rolling down her window (another 30 seconds) to say, "God Bless you dearie..." before she pulled off.

My kids watched with wonder as their mom directed the last two cars out of the parking lot and get the finger from the nice lady showing her appreciation.

My almost teenager son saw the mean gesture and was embarrassed, "Mom, why do you even bother?"

"What do you think would have happened if I didn't?" I said to him as he turned and then finally smiled up at me.

Yes it was none of my business, but by screaming, I stopped a massive accident, insurance rates going up, someone going to the hospital and maybe someone even dying. Yes, it wasn’t my business, but I did the right thing. And that is worth the trouble…even if I got people mad at me.

Holiday Weeping...

My kids don't want to leave my side during the holidays.  Maybe they think they'll miss something fun, maybe they don't want to get lost, maybe they're afraid I'll leave them on purpose?

Today I dropped my little ones off at my gym's babysitting.  When I turned to hug them and say, "Be back soon, I love you!" another little boy, about 2, looked up at me and stretched his arms out for a hug. 

I went with it.  Someone wants a hug, I do not deny!  I bent down and hugged him, telling him (laughing to myself) "I'll be back soon..."  Instantly I had two kids crying.  One of my own (mad I was giving attention to a total stranger his size) and the kid I hugged who was now screaming with his arms raised trying to get me to pick him up and hold him. 
Oh boy...I thought as I looked around for help.

The gym babysitters glared at me like I just ruined their day (maybe I did...nothing worse than a crying kid)

I held my youngest child calming him down promising I loved him and wasn't trading him in for another kid.  Meanwhile the other kid was so unhappy, they had to call his mom.   Before I could create any more drama, I headed for the bikes happy Christmas is only days away.

Something about the holidays makes everyone super happy or on the verge of tears.  Be careful out there!

The Lovely Nurse

Last night I met a 33 year old beautiful lady who said she is a pediatric hospice nurse.

What?

I had her repeat it. One more time? She laughed and sadly I understood: This woman is a nurse to children that went to their own home to die.

It took everything I had not to burst into tears. I couldn't imagine anything more horrible than being a nurse a dying child, yet alone be that mother.

I studied this brave girl; she was blonde, oh so pretty and beyond full of life. In just a few sentences I understood she 'got' the fragility of life as she daily gave of herself to children that would never see puberty or adulthood.

My heart ached as I wondered how one approaches such a meaningful yet heart wrenching job? Did she cry often? Did she feel sad? Did she think about these children at night as she lay in her own bed?

I told her I hoped I never saw her working in my house. She laughed her contagious laugh and I knew the families that saw her in their homes were lucky to have such an angel.

I then went home, let the tears bust and hugged my children. Sick or not, hugs yours. Tight.

The Messy Car?

Here are the facts: I'm a mom of three kids (4 if you add the husband). For survival, we must eat and drink in our car....often. Today after school my son runs up to the car in a panic, "John is coming with us! Can you please CLEAN YOUR CAR!!"

What? It wasn't that messy? It was....disruptive...? Papers from school, backpacks, kid books, magazines for the gym, unused coupons, articles of clothing from the kid’s sports and playground activities. What's the big deal? It's not like I had sour milk soaked in the carpet (that happened many times before, and even I don't want to get into my car) So I did my best cleaning up everyone’s things. In a car with no cabinets to hide stuff, I piled the crap nicely into sections.

My son and his friend climbed into the car. My child had an embarrassed attitude. I waited 5 minutes before I asked our guest, "Hey Johnny? Does this car smell funny to you?"

My son went into a zesty vent, "Mom! You can't ask him that! He's not going to tell you! I was with Mr. Maren and he asked ME the same question and I said, 'no, your car smells great!' But in truth his car smelled like CRAP."

My ten year old was behaving like a bitter sensitive man of forty. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to argue, instead I let the silence lay there.

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion," I told my ten year old later. "If you help an do your share all the time consistently, it's only then you can complain about the lack of others helping."

Course I said all this to him as we stood over his dirty clothes 3 feet from the hamper. He said, "Okay" turned and stepped over his clothes on the floor as he walked away. "Excuse me?" I pointed back to his clothes. "Oh..." he said as he bent over to pick up his things.

Really? It’s true. I’m raising a man.

Homework Hell

I hate homework.  I hate the idea.  I hate the word. 

When my kids get home from school and sports, I want family time.  Since they've been gone all day, the last thing I want to patrol the kitchen yelling things like, "Can you sit down?!"  or "Focus people!!"  or  "If you have to pick your nose, don't wipe it on your homework, use a tissue!"

When I was a kid I had homework but it wasn't much and it was easy.  (not cause I was smart, but cause the world was easy).  "Fun" is all I remember...playing outside for hours. 

I try to make their homework fun or worldly...like when learning complicated boring spelling words, every word with a letter F, you have to say "fart." (doesn't work with PH!)  It's fun, ridiculous, but at least I can break from being police lady and have a giggle too.

Any more creative homework ideas to cease the inner-yelling-boss?

Bad Santa

My four year old has been talking about Santa and what he wants for Christmas.

Last Sunday we went to a party where Santa comes and brings a gift for each child.  My four year old opens the gift, runs to me and shouts, "I didn't order THIS!"

Whoa to the Holidays!

Nothing like a death in the family to make you wonder why relatives have to die around Christmas.

Can't they wait a few weeks?  Don't they realize we have crap to do?

Grandma always compared her life to Jesus's...maybe this was her way of saying, "Ha, told you!"

Either way, a death at the holidays reminds us this visit is short.  So...go hug those you love and as you do tell them how much they mean to you.  In a blink of an eye, you may not get another chance, and if they check out early, you'll know, while they were here, they knew they were loved.

laurie mcdermott is a comedian, host and commentary.   

At the Mall...

My husband came home from the mall and was excited, "Hey I saw Doug and Judy at Starbucks!"

"No way!?  How is their daughter?  What were they doing?"

"...oh...I didn't talk to them.  I said I saw them."

(And that is the difference between Men and Women.)

Man Talk....

Last weekend we went to a party for my middle child's grade. My husband, on cue, complained the whole way as if trying to convince me to turn around and go home, "Who will I know?" "What is it for anyway?" "Why are they doing it on a Saturday?"

When we arrived I sent him into the wolves to get us drinks. He comes back fifteen minutes later and said he met a really cool guy and we should have them over for dinner soon. He then goes back outside to finish their conversation.

An hour later, he's still talking to this same guy, laughing and having a great time. I then see who he is talking to....oh no....it was Tom Bradey. The Tom and Jane who with all their kids are moving to Georgia in two weeks. Everyone at the party as well as the school knew for months...except my husband.

On the ride home, after my husband spent the whole party talking Tom, he was so happy, "I had such a great time. That guy, Tom, reminded me of all my friends back east."

I asked him if he mentioned where they lived. "No..."
Did you talk about how many kids he had? "No..."
Did you talk about where he was from...? "No..."
What did you talk about? "Football...mostly...."

I couldn't even bare to tell him his new friend was moving across the country and would be gone before our next gas bill arrived.

So I didn't. I just said, "See what happens when you listen to me? You will always have a good time...."

He's such a man.

Why Glass Coasters Suck...

"Don't put down the glass! Get a coaster!"

It was just a cup of water. But I guess the 'sweat' from the ice and water can make that forever staying ring. And if you own the table, I get it, go coaster crazy all you want!

I grabbed one of the pretty glass coasters. Then I set my plastic cup on the glass coaster…in the middle…just in case.

When I looked back, it was as if my glass went to the bathroom....the glass coaster was covered with water and the table, the precious wood table was now home to a puddle my sweaty glass created.

Quickly and quietly I grabbed some tissues, pretended to sneeze and nonchalantly mopped up the flowing 'sweat.'

I then stared down the glass coaster with evil eyes, wondering why it failed to do its job! Then I realized….Dah. It's GLASS. Glass doesn't soak. Glass looks nice but it won't protect a table.

So therefore dear people, I put upon you to answer: "Why use glass coasters?"

My second question: “Why even have a fragile table that makes you weird ‘Coaster Enforcer’?

IHop Pancake House...My Love Remains Solid

While on vacation, if you gotta choose to one meal a day to eat out, don't be stupid.  Pick "dinner." Dinner is the hardest to prepare, while breakfast is a snap: cereal, pancakes, sausage, oatmeal....all require little effort and mini cleanup. Which is why we rarely even think of going out for breakfast...that is, till we've eaten everything and have no choice but to find food outside.

Restaurant of choice? IHop. Why? Three reasons: Pancakes. Pancakes. Pancakes.

The pancakes are heavenly and their skinny link sausage (you are either a sausage: fat link or skinny) are so divine I begin to calculate how late the kids would be to school if we added IHop into our daily routine.

Today, ohhhh, when I ordered the cheap boring 2 eggs, links and hash browns...I was offered a seasonal extra!  A choice; and let me tell you people, our mouths, eyes and stomachs ached at the sight and value.  I got to add, for FREE, um hm, free, one of the following: an apple crepe, banana bread French Toast or Pecan pancakes.

Cheap & Delicious?  I think I died.

I chose the middle and all five of us fought over who got to put their fork into the delight next.

Thank you IHop for keeping a pancake so delicious, I refuse to even try to make it at home.

Flying Again...

I used to fly all the time. Had top privileges on two of the best airlines for a few years before I packed in the suitcase for three kids. Today, when I fly, no one remembers my once great 'loyalty' and I'm back to being just garbage.

Thank goodness all my flying happened prior to 9-11. Every time I fly now, I think of that day and how trying to keep us safe is making people stupid. My kids weren't born or don't have a memory of what flying was like before and I guess that is good...so they don't feel the need to roll their eyes when a TSA person asks something they believe to be ridiculous.

Not a fan of country unless it's about some lover that got revenge with time or death. But if you are flying soon....this Buck Howdy guy gives a nice view on what's to come before your flight. And if you aren't flying but into some success on YouTube, do something like this and people like me will notice and share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a8jGVXOMsw&hd=1

Why I Love Thanksgiving Week

Ever since our school system decided to close schools for the week (cause with families going awol early on long vacations, the schools lost too much money) this has become my favorite week with my family.

Beause it's not long and hairy like Christmas break or the when-will-it-end Summer Break, Thanksgiving week is perfect. 

While I know we should be packing it in to travel somewhere hip and exotic...I kinda like being able to enjoy the nothingness of the week. 

And I do mean nothing.  Daily we get up and stay in our jammies till noon or even (I know) the next day.  (that's a great day).   We eat when we feel like it, snack when we feel like it, shower when Mom says, "You smell." 

Best part:  No rushing to school, no driving to a zillion practices, no playdates, no missed appointments, and my personal favorite; no homework.   It's a chance to be together and remember how much we love each other and relax in our own home, play with toys we had to have but never touched, open that paint kit we forgot we had, have 'game night' five days in a row...and talk and laugh and just hang out as a family.   

Ahhh....

Then just at the point when I begin to pull at my hair and wonder who raised my children to be so annoying....it's time to go back to school.  Everyone agrees it's was a great HOME vacation!  And the timing?  What a perfect break!  

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Thanksgiving...seat for one?

"I have a serious question.  Be honest."

I was intrigued and nervous.  I hoped she wasn't going to ask me if her butt was too big because it wasn't.... and just to be funny, I'd have to lie.

My dear friend, Sadie, started to talk about Thanksgiving, a holiday I dread since we live in an area with no "built-in" family and each year, wondering what we're going to do on the big holiday (Will we be invited somewhere?  Will someone want to come to our house for dinner?) is sad and depressing. 

This year with no invitations and a fear of cooking/burning a turkey, Sadie suggested she'd make a turkey and her family would just come to our house.  I was so happy.  We'd have guests and I wouldn't need Dominos-Pizza on speed-dial.

Since then, I've invited other friends who felt empty and lost at the prospect of being alone on Thanksgiving.  Which leads me to Sadies phone call and her request, "My friends don't have family in town and I was wondering--"

I didn't let her finish, "Do you want to invite them for Thanksgiving?"

"Well, I don't want--"

"Sadie!  Do you want them to come to dinner?"

"Well...if you are okay--"

"What's her phone number?"

"Are you going to call them?  Oh no, let me call her first...."

"Sadie, she'll be coming to my house, I want to make sure she knows she's invited and what better way to do that then call her myself.  What's her number?"

I hung up and called this new friend and introduced myself and then invited her to our home for Thanksgiving dinner.  She said yes, her family would love to come.

Next, I called my husband and told him about our added guests.  He operates like me, "Hey, what's a few more?"

All this reminds me of Thanksgiving dinner 1996.  When I asked a relative, "Hey, that nice lady on your corner didn't her husband die?  She's all alone this Thanksgiving.  Why don't we invite her to come down for dinner?"

I will never forget the response she gave me, "My table only seats 8.  I don't have enough chairs."

In truth, we could have pulled up a stool or (don't gasp) a 'different' patterned chair.  All people care about on Thanksgiving is that they feel loved and accepted.  It's so simple and easy. 

And in our home, there will always be a seat at our table for anyone wanting to come be thankful with us on this holiday and all holidays. 

I hope you are the joyous light for someone else this holiday.

Husband Duty

The past 2 nights I promised my husband, who goes to bed early, that I'd wake him up when I climbed in.  Being too tired and well lazy, I haven't. 

Tonight is our weekly 'date night' and laying in bed this morning, I had a hilarious idea! Before dinner I'd take him to a remote place and have a little "sex in the car." I was excited for him in my plot to surprise him, smiling as I mentally mapped out all the acrobatic things I would do to him. 

Then I climbed out of bed.  Walking to the bathroom, the after-effects of almost being 40 reminded me I'm no longer in shape to perform in Cirque du Soleil and that my body, when able, likes bending and stretching in comfy places, not the car, not the floor or sometimes not even a gym mat. 

So...maybe I'll just share with him what I was thinking over dinner.  The mere fact I was thinking about such out of the box adventures has gotta give me some points!

Be The Better Friend

Ever have a friend that did something rude or awful to you that was so shocking instead of going to them with, "Ah...did you know you behaved badly and really hurt my feelings...?" You kept it inside, hoped it would go away, worked itself out or moved to a foreign city?

Last week, after a big 'Rah-Rah" from the husband, I met face to face with a lady who once took my heart and smashed my feelings through a meat grinder.

Why did I reach out to her for peace after she hurt me? 1) Because life is too short to worry. 2) Our kids are friends. and 3) if I have to keep seeing this woman without a heart-to-heart, I'm destined for cardiac arrest.

Was it hard to meet with her? "Horrid" is better than "hard." Conflicts suck. But if you face them head-on with an open mind and heart....no matter what the result, you win because you cared enough to try.

How did it end? My internal organs thanked me, as did my husband who saw what that stress did to my usually happy demeanor.

What will be of the old friendship? My goal was to clear the air. Now that it's cleared, there is room for the start of a new friendship...one that will start with two people now carrying fresh secret tools to unlocking the wisdom of how to live life honestly.

And if our friendship doesn't blossom....it'll be her fault!

The Reason to Have A Party

"I can't have a party...I need new curtains...the walls need new paint....or maybe we just need a new house..."

The holiday season is upon us and so are the fun parties.  Every year a dear friend of mine complains she wants to have a party but can't because her house is a mess.  Really?  No one cares what your home looks like.  (unless it's a distaser in which case you'll make them feel better about their own place)  All people care about is that you chose them to be on your guest list! 

If you keep thinking of all the reasons why you can't have a party...you'll never have one.  Mabye start thinking of all the reasons why you CAN.  Here I'll help:

1) Four walls, a floor, a bathroom and a refridgerator.

2) Fiends you like but never see or have time to talk to cause you're so busy.

3) People will come to your party because they want to see you...not the house, the curtains or even the dog stained rug.  They come for you.

Odds are, fifty years from now you're not going to be around anyway....so make sure you have fun before it's too late.

In the meantime....get planning.

The Dangers Of Voting

I dropped off all my kids and headed straight to my voting location.

I parked my car, chatted with the local neighbor volunteers, voted, chatted again and returned to my car.

I opened the door, sat in my seat, closed the door, put my keys in the ignition when I noticed a book on the floor.  Funny.  How did that get there?  Then I looked at the passenger seat and saw a stack of items I knew I didn't put in my car. A tingle of fear began to settle in me as fast as I realized,
"OHMIGOSH...I'm in someone else's car!"

I quickly opened the door and jumped out, embarrassed someone would run from the polling office screaming, "That's my car!" And I'd end up in jail for not paying attention.

No one saw.  In fact I kinda wished someone played witness to this hilarious scene.  But I had a giggle realizing I can't remember where I parked my car but I can tell you the times, activities and everything my three kids ingested into their bodies the past three years.

Ah, the dangers of voting.
If you go out there...be careful.

Call Me Paranoid

I guess I am overprotective.  I do worry about my kids getting abducted or stolen....pretty much....um.....every time they aren't in my eyesight.

I give them more freedom than the average mom, but when it comes to walking solo to a store or a friend's house, I nix the idea unless they have an escort and even then, I still worry.

Another mom once laughed at me, "Laurie, you are so paranoid."

Yes.  It's true.  I laugh.  I joke.  I poke fun at everything.  But my kids' safety is high priority.

Then her next comment, "Only 1 in a four million get stolen every year."

I looked at her.  "Yes.  But what if it was YOUR kid?   That one.  What if it was yours?"

I don't care if it was one in a trillion, this is one lottery I do not want to win.

"Little Kids Are Annoying to Who?"

I was at Starbucks and two mothers and their three little girls were sitting next to me.  Not a quiet bunch, I ignored them for the first ten minutes.  Suddenly the girls started running in circles, first around their table, next around all the tables.

It was funny to immediately see heads turn looking to judge and blame the owners of these loose wild kids. 

Then I saw an older couple looking at the children with eyes of wonder and compassion.  They smiled and laughed each time the girls passed their table.  At one point the older woman started clapping, almost cheering them on.

Because they get it.  The older you get, the wiser you become.  (Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of wise old crabby people...but they have a choice.)

The next time you see children playing loudly, maybe instead of being the negative crab who judges and sneers....think of the moment as a gift to try and remember a time when you enjoyed your own life as much.

This is life, you only get one.

Mom, Is God in there?

My littlest kid, Roc, said to me as we were driving by the church we go to on Sunday, "Is church over?”

I said, “Yes…”

He leaned forward as if trying to see and said, “Is God still in there?”

I wanted to tell him God is everywhere but thought he'd start nervously looking around like you do in the big chair at Disney's Haunted House when that green ghost sits next to you at the end. 

So instead I took the opportunity and said, “Yep, that’s his house…and when you go there he wants you to be quiet."

Roc said, "Yeah, I'm not quiet."

Working Mothers Deserve Sainthood

The list of daily activities seems to get longer and longer and it's only 2 of my 3 that I'm escorting around. And then somewhere in-between all these activities, someone says they are hungry and I do the math on what they ate that week and should this 'fix' be a crap snack or healthy snack and how long is it till dinner and (by the way) who is fixing dinner. Oh, yeah, that would be me...the lady glued to the car lacking the strength and mentality to muster trying to put feed everyone.

What will happen to my brain when that third kid starts the "after school activities?" Will I power through with a coffee pot strapped in, brewing in my back seat, shouting at slow, tired kids to "MOVE! MOVE!" or will I have a complete breakdown with hospitalization for six months and have peace and quiet in a white room with no complaints, food requests or argument breakups. Um.... That second one sounds kinda nice.

Then I think about those moms that work....and my heart aches with stress for them. Whether they want to work or have to work, I don't know how they do it.

I have a few little jobs but they don't even compare to my friends working those serious jobs (with a boss and yearly reviews) from 9 to 5 or 7 to 7. My family struggles a little, but for my full time working mom friends who work and then come home and have to do everything that I do (yes, okay, some husbands help...but really, truly, if a husband does anything....it's only because a Mom has organized and told him to do it), I bow my head to them.

So if you are a working mom, this is me bowing and telling you that you are a truly amazing woman. Here. Do you feel that? It's a pat on the back.
Now go plan your next amazing vacation. You deserve it.

Escalators....

Everytime I'd see an escalator I'd be reminded of shopping and beauty surrounded by businesses in the business of making me look good.

Now, with three kids under ten, whenever I see an escalator, I turn into this crazy lady convinced someone will miss a step and fall to their death while I watch stuck myself on a level I can't get off, because the escalator going the other way is clear on the other side of the mall!

So I shut commands like a veteran drill sergeant:

Tie that shoe!
Don't lean!
Hold the side!
Look straight ahead!
Stop licking the rubber!

Everyone hates me till we are off the 'ride' and safely on the next floor. One time I was so mad at them for goofing around, I told them the story of the kid who got his shoelace stuck and the escalator teeth ate his shoe and his foot and to this day he can't run or play. I didn't care if it was true or not, they were petrified. For like three more trips, they were the perfect little soldiers on the escalator. Two months later, my story went into a distant memory that I'd bring up now and then and they'd just roll their eyes.

Till last week, when we witnessed an older woman mis-step getting on the escalator. Not only did she end up riding the escalator on her backside, (upside down with her panties showing) but she had a gash on her knee that looked like the escalator bit her. My kids mouths were on the floor and we watched the paramedics come and the lady being taken away to get her knee repaired.

Later we spoke again about the dangers of being careful on the moving stairwell, but there is something annoying about a Mom having to tell and tell and tell. Cause when kids watch, witness or see with their own eyes. It's in there. And they get it.

Why PrePackaged Meals Are So Popular

After hours of going to the store, then cutting, slicing and cooking a great yummy meal...using only ingredients you know each and every single person in the family likes and eats on a regular basis...you prepare this massive meal out of goodness and love only to hear:

"Yuck!  This sucks.  Can I have something else?"

Teaching kindness and manners is unlikely when all you really want to do is hit them in the head with an egg.

Why I HATE Car Salesmen at Carson Toyota

I went by Carson Toyota in California, to check about a light on my dashboard. A salesman outside helped me and then suggested I could turn in my 2008 Sienna for a 2011 Sienna (the same model) for the same monthly price.

We did this song and dance thing for four months, until he convinced me "I have all the numbers solid, no drive off fees, no nothing, and your payments will stay the same."

What do you think happened?

After visiting the dealer twice, I emptied my car (kid seats, toys, things I never knew I had hiding in there) and returned to Carson Toyota to discover I was a victim of 'bait and switch.' This five year veteran salesman lied to me. Lied to ME. An on-the-ball girl who crossed her t's and dotted her i's. I was so mad I cried for days. (comedy is humor plus time...I haven't had enough time, so this may come out kinda angry) (sorry loyal readers but you must know this horrid Toyota story)

I was so mad I told this salesman, who commented he'd never seen two credit scores as high as my husband and I, that the reason we had such high credit cores was that we were honest people who paid their bills and Toyota would be lucky to continue to have us as loyal customers.  (OK, I did swear a few times) and left. They didn't expect that. They thought even though they changed the deal on me, the deal we agreed on over the phone over and over and over, that I would still do this new deal because I wanted this new car so bad.

Ha.  Nope. I walked.

I walked with my story about a corrupt dealer that opened my eyes to the ugly side of car buying, that in this day and age of Toyota trying to win back loyal customers, is still going on. They all should be ashamed of themselves. (and other nasty words)

Bottom Line: Do not be a victim of car salesmen, playing you against some Wizard of Oz, hidden 'big' man behind a partition that's about to control your financial future.  What are they talking about in there?  It's your car?  How can they negotiate without YOU?  Help end this fifty year old game and be wise.  Know your price and before you go to the dealer, negotiate over the phone. And then be SURE to get EVERYTHING in writing...or they will play dumb, "Oh that car wasn't even here..." "Oh we thought you wanted the fuchsia colored car...." Do this all before you waste your time and patience.  Then email me your hero story!  laurie@lauriemcdermott.com

How Old is Ok to Die?

"I'm really sad, my Grandfather died last week."

"Oh, no..." I said, "How old was he?"

"98...it's so sad."

I wanted to laugh.  But instead I hugged my friend trying to hide what I thought was hilarious.  Every grandparent on both my parents side died when I was a kid.  I never got to see them at birthday parties or share memories with them or hear stories about their life and the valuable lessons they could have taught me from sharing their life with me.  Nope.  I got nothing.  Now here was a friend who had all of those wonderful things for so long and instead of appreciating it, she was mad and upset.

Since I do "funny" for a living, I made sure to remind her to remember how lucky she was to have had him in her life all these years as well as the funny things she loved about it.  Within seconds she was laughing.

Member when you were ten and hearing someone who was 40 meant they were deathly old?  Then at 40, 60 wasn't that old.   I bet at 80, will 90 still look young?  Then at 100, what are you thinking?  Can I make it one more year?  Ten?  Twenty??

Bottom line:  When someone dies, we are reminded of how short life really is.  We only get one life...don't screw it up.

Short and Sweet Emails or Texts? Don't Take it Personal

By email I invited a friend to coffee, this was after I praised her efforts on a benefit we had just closed and also answered several of her questions on how to get in to see a certain doctor.  This was her response:

"Can't today, crazy."

Oh.

My first reaction was, "Really?  I wrote 5 paragraphs and all she said was three words?  Couldn't she have noticed my efforts in responding and done the same back to me?" 

My second reaction was, "Have I angered her?"

My third reaction was "She's out.  She must be using a blackberry or be in a store or pushing a grocery cart." In which case....I'd like you all to know: Stop using emails while you are out in the world.  Emails should not be done in the car, while you pee or standing in line at Disneyland where it's so loud and distracting you spell words like 'know' (no) incorrectly and people begin to think you have a mental problem.  Wait till later to respond. 

I will not die if I do not get a reply within one to seven days.  (By day eight, yes, maybe.)

Also, don't ever answer any email with the words, "not going to work for me’ or ‘ it doesn’t work for us.’

What?  Really?

How about ending every email with, "Thank you so very much for taking the time to email me today."

No one will be wondering if your words were genuine or not.  They'll just be so happy to see the one person online who still has manners happens to be their friend.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

Need a Job? This is What NOT To Do

I was standing ordering a icy jamba-type drink when I heard a voice behind me interrupt.

"Are you hiring?"

I turned.  Wearing ripped jeans, flip flops and a smirk, the girl speaking asked her question while looking down at her blackberry. 

The kid taking my order stopped talking to me and answered her, "Nah...we're full."

I watched her walk away as the kid said, "Tough market out there..."

My brain was on fire.  So many thoughts I didn't know where to start:
1) Who did this girl think would hire her if she doesn't look at the person she's speaking to?
2) Did she think anyone would hire her if she can't put her blackberry down for ten seconds?
3) Didn't someone tell her to dress for success, even if it's boring retail?

I wanted to run after her, to help her, advise her, tell her how to smile, what to wear, to ditch that electronic contraption controlling her eyes to look at only it.   I watched this girl walk into Starbucks and again get denied.  She wasn't even trying, her head still looking down at her blackberry.  She could have asked another question, the one about if anyone knew if anyone else was hiring.

Collecting all the balls in my body, I was just about to walk over to her when a car pulled up and she climbed in.  Okay, so my regret today?  Not reaching out and blowing her socks off on how to get a job.  But if you have kids....share this story with them and see what they would have done. 

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

HealthCare Problem; The Rising Cost of Doctors That Think Everyone is Rich

I drove an hour to see this doctor.

Constantly fearing the next earthquake (aka "The Big One") is moments away, I avoided the 6-story parking 'thing' and circled the building for twenty minutes looking for a street spot..

Defeated, it took another 10 minutes to find an open spot in the "death lot".  Walking to the elevator I heard a lady complaining on the phone that every time she came to this building it cost her $30 in parking. Guess her doctor didn't validate. Once in the office, I was horrified to hear the front desk lady tell me, "Well, it's only $2.20 every fifteen minutes."

Only? Really? She must be making close to ten an hour to believe her salary was good enough to cover parking in her building for an hour. I asked if they wouldn't mind if I filled the paperwork out in the room and was told, "Well, you are late and there are four people ahead of you."

I looked at the clock. I was six minutes late because of the parking problem (which no one thought was American fraud but me). So I said, "How many people would have been ahead of us if we arrived six minutes ago?"

The assistant shrugged. Maybe I was the first ever to have answered one of her obviously routine nasty remarks.  So I spoke again, "How long will it be...an hour?"

She responded without looking at me, "No. At least an hour and a half."

I took my family by the hand and turned, "Okay, Bye."

The assistant was shocked, "You're leaving?"

I didn't respond. I just wanted to get out of there....vowing to myself the following:

1) This one is too nasty to mention.
2) If I ever become a doctor, a good doctor, understanding the mind-blasting costs of health care and the difficulty family members undertake to invest in proper care, I will honor and value their pocketbooks and never, ever, ever, ever take residence in a building where my dear valued patients (driving hours because they have chosen to come see ME) are forced to pay hefty embarrassing rates, just to see me.

"Mom Lies to a Cheaper Path..."

Let's be honest.   I’m a mom…I lie. 

To friends when they ask if they look fat, to my kids when I say I don't have a favorite, to my husband when I can hardly utter that I'm tired.

It's survival.   Which is why I can barely breathe when I hear the cost of a single kids ticket is $68 and an adult ticket (do we even want to ride any of the rides?  Can't we just be an unpaying chaperon?) is $76.  

I know kids under three are free.....so I plot. “I know my son looks 10 but he’s really 2, it’s a growth mutation…shhh don’t talk about it...he's so sensitive.”  

The movies?  Did you know where I live in Los Angeles, it's up to almost $12 for 1 ticket?  I pick up my two youngest (3 and 7) and carry them in, “They’re blind….”  

At Taco bell I buy one small coke for my family to share, because the serving machine is on my side with a nice sign that says, “free refills!”  

My one friend who joined me at Taco Bell said, “that’s so unsanitary…” 

I’m responded with, "You kiss your dog on his tongue and let him lick your lips.  I just saved $4 by sharing a coke and germs we all have anyway."

I take my kids to happy hour in bars.  Not cause I'm there to drink, we're there to eat!  Some of those food items are $2!   Are the people at the bar happy I brought kids in to eat their food?  No, they want drinking customers cause the profits are huge. 

Bottom line:  Times are tough.  Keep your money in your pocket, by thinking outside the box.  Thank you Taco Bell!

"Skinny Jeans Make My Fat Move Up"

They were having a sale.  Skinny Jeans.  The "in" thing compared to the baggy Levi's I practically wear to bed.

My sister begged me to make my butt look like it arrived into the 21st century.  So I went to the sale where the saleswoman tried to convince me (or squeeze me) into a pair of jeans two sizes smaller than what I normally wear.

"Suck it in!  Pull!  Great!  Look at how good your butt looks!"

My butt?  Was that my waist?  Having trouble intaking air, I noticed the fat on my lower half was squished so tight it had nowhere to go but up over the top of the jeans! 

Trying not to faint I grabbed the saleslady.  In my old loose jeans, my fat evenly melted into my body.  In these jeans, I looked like I just ate a buffalo.  And felt like it too.

The saleslady giggled, "Oh, everyone has waist fat, just wear a loose shirt to cover it."

Really?  I'm to give up breathing so I can fit into skinny jeans only to be forced to cover my spillage fat with a big shirt which will hide the view of my nice butt which was the very reason I bought the jeans in the first place?

It was exhausting.  But yes, I did buy the jeans.  Why?  Cause I have a husband that never gets to see my butt, even in bed (cause it's dark).  I owe him that. 

Who cares if I change to my big jeans in thirty minutes.  How long does he need to see my butt anyway?

"High School Girls..."

Yesterday I happened to drive by our local high school with my soon to be 11 year old son who, after we passed the school, asked, “Mom, why do teenage girls wear shorts that high up on their legs?”

I said, “They just want to look hot.”

Ty said, “I think they look cold.”

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Don't Judge a Mom..."

Yesterday I was at my son's gymnastics class when I saw a mom with three kids walk in. One of the kids was crying, the other was so mad his face looked like one of those balls you squish to get out frustration.

I didn't know what had happened but it was obvious the crying kid needed to be held and the angry kid needed an attitude adjustment. Then something occurred to me like a light bulb going off or one of those "Ah-ha" moments Oprah is always talking about. Forget the kids, look at the mom. She was a ball of stress. Battling different feelings, opinions and attitudes...and all she's trying to do was get someone to gymnastics because she loves her kids. Kids don't get that. But Moms do.

The one that really needed a hug was that mom. So, I stood up, walked past the kid chaos and gave her a hug. I didn't know her, but I knew what she was going through and her quiet tears proved to me she needed that hug.

Next time you want to judge a mom, get in her shoes and maybe you'll reach out to hug a stranger too.

"A Single Call..."

There should be a phone number you can call, any time of the day and night, to ask a question.

1-800-Tell-me....

The internet is no good because there is so many other distractions that by the time you've clicked on 18 other pages, you remember why you went on line in the first place.  And after 2 hours you still don't have your answer.  But you did buy a new dress, connect with an old friend on facebook, and even found a photo of your dead grandma's house on Google Earth.

Then it's dark, 10pm and we ask, "Where did the time go?"

Which leads us back to the beginning:  There should be a phone number you can call at any time of the day and night to ask a question.

"Why Soccer is Painful"

I suppose if you have a superstar, watching your kid play soccer can be fun, even exciting as you see your mini-you fly pass the other kids, interested, focused and enthused on kicking the ball or trying to win.

Not me.  I watch my kids watch the other kids run by.  I watch my kids stare into the sky at some plane, bird or balloon they happened to notice.  I watch my kids watch me watching them as they mouth, "Is it over yet?"

Most parents scream, "Go!"  "Keep running!"  "Great job honey!"

I scream, "Focus!" "Stop biting your nails!"  "We can look at the ants at home!"

But really, over time, I kinda like not having the pressure of having a kid that has to do well...that the team expects to score so that the team succeeds.  Yep, now my husband and I relax and enjoy the game.  We giggle when he misses the ball.  We laugh when he sees a gopher and instead of playing the game, he follows where the hole leads.  Cause we realize, one day, twenty years from now, when he's not in professional sports, we'll laugh at these moments of enjoying our kid and letting him be just our kid.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"What IS that Little Voice I Hear?"

I was driving alone on a four hour trip to a gig in Vegas. Four hours just me. Then I heard it. It was small and quiet. What is that noise? It was so familiar but so distant. Then it came to me....oh! That voice I hear...is ME! Talking to ME.

My long lost friend, my mental guide! My inner self having a conversation with me. I was so excited I didn't know what to think/talk about...so much had gone on since we'd last been in contact!

"Where have you been?" I asked. Oh.....I was too busy listening to my kids, my husband, my friends and my world to remember or notice that the "Me" was getting lost. Am I doing what I wanted to in my life? Am I going in the right direction? Taking the right trips? Seeing what I wanted to see in the world? Was it was time to slow down?

I decided to have a conversation with me every day. First thing. Before the kids wake up. It would be hard, cause I love to sleep. But instead of thinking about everyone else for those precious few moments in the morning, I would have a conversation with me.

I once met an older woman who said she woke up one day shocked to see she was 67 and hadn't done any of the things she wanted to do. I told her it's never too late, do it! Go for it! She said what woke her up was her husband passing away too young.

I now love listening to me....and older wiser people. They remind us all what we need to be doing today.

Don't wait. Listen to you....do it now.

"Guilty At the Gym....No More"

I once heard a therapist on the radio say, "Only selfish moms take her kids to the gym to dump them off with strangers, while she works out." (Selfish Moms with nice butts.)

What was the therapist's suggestion? "Exercise at home; Run with your stroller, do sit ups next to your baby, do jumping jacks in the living room."

Hmm....? Nope. That'll never happen. Dropping the baby off with the stranger while I get 60 minutes of undisturbed challenging workout peace....now we are talking. Specially when Mom accomplishes her goal to keep healthy. (happy wife/happy life)

My one friend struggles with the guilt of taking her four year old to her gym and now uses the building as a landmark when she drives by, "Oh, hey, that's my gym!" Course she's sixty pounds overweight with a whole home-gym set she purchased to use but has never touched.

Having a kid hold you back from the gym is great fodder till they are in college and your excuse is....?

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Disney Souvenirs....What Gift Not to Buy Any Child Under Age 10"

You are at Disney, waiting to see Ariel, thirty deep in 95 degree weather, and your six year daughter is so excited she has to go poddy. You arrive back and out of nowhere 80 people have joined the line.

When you get to Ariel, what are you going to do to capture this speical day and mere moments with Ariel?

a) Take a photo of your daughter and Ariel?

b) Ask someone else to take a photo of all the kids and Ariel...and you?

c) Spend $7 to $12 on an expensive book full of empty pages to fill with signatures she can't read or won't care about in a few years, all while taking precious time away from others waiting in line behind you (ready to take a single simple photo) while Mickey (or other character) gets their fingers in order inside their sweaty costume to grasp a pen and try to write a fictitious name no adult can decipher later either.

Please say a or b.

Bottom line: Disney started selling the Autograph Books because they really do havebrilliant marketing prodigies that figured out there was a need and why not make Disney richer. Yet for others, in the hot sweaty line behind a pint size autograph asker, most will all agree.......unlike a photo your child will be able to show their own kids fifty years from now, the Autograph Book will be in the trash or used as grocery-list paper within a year.

Bottomer-Bottom-line: Save your money, take a photo.

"Skype Scared"

Have you tried using Skype?  Or are you one of those people that know it only as "The way Oprah speaks to celebrities that can't fly to her show."

When we went away to Aruba, I thought it was the perfect way to keep in touch with my three kids who were all staying at different families.  Wrong. 

One family was afraid installing Skype would slow down their computer, another family said, "Skype compromises the security of their life and just opening an account would cause the world to see their finances, data, and birthdates."  (I thought Russian spies or any decent hacker spent time focusing on how to break into BANKs' security systems, not one sole computer, with a family bank account?).

The other family wanted to use my computer at home..  Which was a great idea till every time my oldest son would be standing in front of the camera, my husband would comment about the background behind him, "Wow, those pictures on the wall look fantastic," or "Ohmigosh...did you see how cool that paint looks in the light?"  So much so my son stopped answering Skype and would only speak to us by phone.

But on the bright side, Skype does work and work well!  My 65 year old mom in Chicago figured out how to use it and we had a lovely time chatting...and she still won't plug in her answering machine cause it's too complicated.

So there's hope for the rest of you. 

Sign up.  It's free.  Call me.  http://www.skype.com/

"You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?"

You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?

I asked a lady in English, "What time is it"

And she responded, "No ablo Espanol."

"Dear Lady With Annoying Babies...."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." 

It was loud and annoying.  Both my husband and I stared at each other like "How did we choose a nice restaurant that lets parents ignore their kids and let them freely scream and cry."

It's different when the parent stands up embarrassed, panicked and sweaty trying to calm the baby.  It's another if they pass baby a hunk of bread and look the other way and I try and think about how long I'd go to jail if I stood up and attempted to choke negligent momma.

I'll give her some slack....maybe she was tired, maybe it was her birthday, maybe she is divorced, this is her first date with match.com and needs a free meal.  With her kid?  Hm... Maybe not.  I have three; 10, 6 and adorable, out-of-control, 3.  They are beyond perfect.  Sometimes I call them "walking monsters."  (But never in their presence)  But if given the choice: 

1) go to a nice dinner w/attached needy, crying, disrupting little people or
2) not.

I take not.  If you have babies, you should too.  Stay home.  Enjoy your mini-yous in private without all the stares from people like me.  Or get a sitter.  Heck I'll come over and sit w/your kids.  Well, no.  How about McDonald's?  It's loud there, inexpensive and when your kid cries, you may even get free ice cream.

Good luck.  Stay away from me.

"The Doctor Bills..."

If I have an apt at 9am to see a Doctor, and he is so busy I must wait till 10:43am to see him.....

...should he pay me for my time?

"Leaving..."

I had to go out of the country for a few days. I was excited till a few days prior. Then...I was sick. I didn't want to go. What if something happened? To me? To my kids? (These are my same thoughts moments before I get on a rollercoaster at Disney....) "What if I don't come back? What will they do without me?"

But I was going out of the US. Out of a "planes aren't flying, so I'll just rent a car and drive home" area. And what if there was another terrorist attack?  A hurricane? Tornado? Some freaky mud slide? Or avalanche...that trapped me for days? (I was pretty sure it didn't snow in Aruba, but when you mix kids with mom-panic, anything is possible.)

AND...I was going to Aruba....isn't that the land of the Van Der Sloot/Natalee Holloway?  Not like I was going to hook up with another man, or that I looked like something anyone would want to hook up with...but a tragedy happened there once and ...well....what if?

Alright...okay....it's true. I watch WAY too much "Dateline NBC."

"Best School Ever..."

I wear a really cool grey university sweatshirt that says, "McDermott University."

Everyone asks where it is.

When they ask, I give them the location....my home address. Cause that's where McDermott University is.

Yes, they go to school to learn all that stuff they need but will never really use...but we all know Moms are the true teacher of life, love and how to be a good human.

And these lessons are FREE.

"Home School Option..."

My son wants me to home school him.

I entertained the thought of having him at home with me all day, teaching him lessons of the world, teaching him math, teaching him fractions, teaching him calculus, reminding him to pay attention to me, asking him to stay focused and do his work, begging him to sit down and finish his assignment, yelling at him to complete his reading, screaming at him that if he didn’t finish before midnight he was going to have to move out.

Yeah. Home schooling is not for me.

Yet, the real answer I gave him was simple, "Sweetie, I would love to home school you, but if I did and there a school shooting, one of us would go to jail."

He didn't even blink. He just nodded, "Oh, yeah..."

"Book Club Loser...."

I'm trying....I really am.  I joined a book club 3 years ago.  Two actually.  One stopped emailing me cause I kept forgetting to go.  (truth was I kept forgetting I was in the club, to buy the book and then to READ it).  The other I am in I DO go to......not cause I read the book...but because I like the girls and people actually bring delicious snacks they make.

I like to read...but there's so many other things to do.  By the time I have all my kids in bed, the idea of trying to fall into a story that never seems to be as interesting as the choas in my life, seems pointless.  And of course sitting under a light, trying to reorganize my eyes that will never see 20/20 again is painful.

One good thing...I've convinced my book club to do a "movie night" once in awhile.  Maybe I can change the whole book club to "Movie Club."  That involves only 2 hours of my life...and hot popcorn.

Who's with me??

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"The Perfect Chopper...."

I love to cook.  I hate to prep. If I could have little people cut all the pieces and measure all the spices in those cute little tiny bowls....I'd cook all day long.   For my wedding someone gave me a huge Cuisinart.  Scared the crap out of me.  Then 8 years later I had some chopping to do and broke it open.  We've been in love ever since. Hands down one of my favorite time saving gadgets in the kitchen.  Course the clean up part with the machine isn't so easy....but I do have one of those dishwashers.  He's 5'10" and good in bed.

If you don't have one....get one!  Thank me later...
http://www.cuisinart.com/products/food_processors.html

"The Reader..."

Last night after a battle trying to force my children to start their nightly reading ritual, my 10 year old said to me, “Mom, can you do something to make me want to read?  Like pay me?”

Great, he’s a republican....

(http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/)

"Summer Makes Me Dizzy"

What a blast of a summer!  Utah, Chicago, Palm Desert and a whole bunch of days hanging at home, not screaming to get in the car to rush to a sport or finish homework.  But it's almost over.  School starts September 1.   Two days left....tick-tock.  I'm ready to cry.....

Freedom....even if it's only 9 full hours a week.  Whoopie!!!!!

I'm back. 

Did you miss me?

"Walking...."

I love easy parking.  I will even pay to have closer easier parking.  Then I'll go to the gym and walk for 50 minutes. 

You'd think I'd just learn to park father away on all my errands so I could get my exercise through-out the day, right?

Then again when I climb onto the treadmill at the gym....I'm not first waiting for three kids to find their shoes, get their shoes on (who knows why they take them off on the three minute car ride?), find their jackets, find the toy they had to bring, get out of the car, get back in the car cause what they had in their hand is now gone.  Then once each of them have finally gotten out of the car, they argue who is walking next to whom, who isn't waiting for the other, who isn't holding someone's hand, who hit someone, who looked at someone weird, who almost touched someone but still has that look in their eye.

Yeah....me too.

The gym.

"Gas...."

I was going to talk about the other 'one.'  But then my husband called with news he ran out of gas 300 yards from Costco's gas station for the second time in 2 months.   Shouldn't one learn from the embarrassment the first time?

Ha...or maybe not.  Living on the edge...."I can make it...I can make it!"

I live on the edge by pressing snooze on the alarm clock.

"Yes I am...a host..."

I've been hosting for years and years....this is the last you'll hear of it from me here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XsmNgEuCFQ

My kids have seen clips of me and don't bat an eye.  Yet on this one, they stare and ask, "Who is that talking..."  I said, "That lady your dad is married to."

"What Does a Girl Want?"

The other night I met a man who literally said, "It's horrible....I just never know what she wants!"

I said, "And have you asked her?"

He looked blankly at me, so I kept talking. "We'll tell you, you just have to ask."

I quickly added, "Oh!  Then don't forget to act like you really care what she's telling you."

Hmm...do you think I speak from experience?  Don't we all?

"Mini-Van Lover Forever..."

Ford's CEO revealed their new SUV on the Today Show this morning.  Better fuel efficiency, better safety.....   my mind drifted to thoughts of my own family in this new SUV till the gave me the side view again.  Doors.  Basic doors.  Basic manual doors that my be user open and operated.

I imagined my younger kids, a 3 and 6 year old screaming at each other as they struggled to close the cars' back door as I waited to back out of the driveway.

I sighed. 

My current minivan's automatic doors that open and close with the single push of a button are my sanity, my lifestyle.  I can open the doors from 50 feet as my kids run ahead of me to the car.   I can open the doors from afar if the car has been sitting in the sun and will be too hot and the car needs to air out for a few minutes before we climb in.  With an arm full of groceries, kid crap or a sleeping child, no need to struggle to open a door, I just push that single easy button and the door slides open.

Nope. I'm not switching.  I can't.  With all the uncontrollable craziness in life, I'm grateful for a simple easy sanity-saving gizmo on my current van.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Catalogue Purchases..."

When buying a dress from a catalogue or online model photo, I always forget....

I'm buying just the dress...not the body it's on.

Sigh....

"Gum..."

I was driving last month and the gum I was chewing was disgusting. I went to throw it out the window (very bad, I know) and as I was throwing it, it stuck to my finger and ricocheted somewhere inside the car.

I searched EVERYWHERE for that gum. It had vanished. Gone. Two weeks later it’s a hot day and my Mother In Law is visiting, in the car with us. When she goes to get out, she screams that someone has her hair. It's GUM. MY gum. Course my husband starts yelling at our three kids, “How many time have I told you kids, no gum!”

I put on my supportive face and nodded with him.

(Secretly giggling knowing I'll share this with them when they are 30)

"Weird Potty time..."

It's social hour when any of my three kids need to go poo.  At 10, 6 and 3, when one sits for the job the other two will wander in and a nice kind chat or game will ensue. 

In the bathroom.

Every time it happens I advise the others to give the 'sitter' privacy but the sitter says, "No, it's okay, I want them in here."

I want to break it up and declare it weird and offensive, but it seems to be the only long chunk of time my kids are actually quiet, thoughtful and nice to each other.   So I let it be....carefully surveying from a room or two away.

Of couse as soon as the flush happens, it's business as usual.   Someone starts yelling at someone or acusing someone else of something and life is back to normal....till someone has to poo again.

"Walking Shorty..."

I like being short.  (5'4")

Except when walking with friends.  Every time I plan a 'walking date' with others, they are always 5'8" or taller.  What am I thinking?  I must walk two to three steps for everyone one of theirs.

This morning:
They walked, I jogged. 
They talked, I gasped.
They laughed, I left.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Reading for Who?"

How I long to dive into a book on a towel under the summer sun. 

Yesterday I tried.  I made sure my kids were all fed, safe and happy.  I made sure my own towel was flat and rid of wet sand from kids' feet and butts.  I laid back, put on my hat and opened my brand new Barnes and Nobel book. 

Ahhh....

I was at word number 3 when I heard, "Mom, he's throwing sand!"  "Mom, she's pulling my hair!"  "Mom, your left boobie is hanging out!"

Yes.  Children are lovely.

"A Real Man"

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

"Wrinkle Cream..."

Anti-wrinkle cream?  Ugh....sooooo many choices.  So, which is the best product?

I hate wrinkles.  For a week I said, "No more smiling."  I lasted 4 minutes.   For a week I said, "No more frowning..."  Then my two year old barfed on my lap.

I've been using the same anti-wrinkle stuff since I was 18, perscriptives Line Preventor. (Cause even at 18, I knew I'd done damage to my skin by stupidly 'baking' in the summer sun)  Then my beloved Perscriptives disappeared.  I still don't understand what happened but they are gone...along with a product I can't remember ever not using.

What do I do?  I need a new anti-something.  I went to the mall to find a new anti-wrinkle thing. 
What? Who? How?

I posed the question to each beauty counter:  "What's your best anti-wrinkle cream?"  For the next hour my face was covered with cream after solution after goop.  Each one came with it's own I'd-die-for-my-product sales pitch. 

All I want to know is....why do they make anti-wrinkle creams that must be applied to your face by deep rubbing, causing more wrinkles than when you started???  Anti-wrinkle cream should be light, fluffy, applied on gently without skin moving in any way. 

I'm on the market....anyone use anything they like?  I'm listening.

"Vampires.."

I never understood the "Twilight" bug.  These middle aged married ladies screaming at a movie and it's young male actors was just ridiculous.  Even on Oprah, when the cast and all these obsessed ladies couldn't stop talking about the movie....I just rolled my eyes at the whole scene.

Then I saw "Twilight."  Three times in two days.  With my kids and husband (who kept uttering, "Who is that girl? She's adorable.  Isn't there a sequel?")

Within days we rented the 2nd one (saw that twice) and now the husband just said to me, 'June 30th....let's go see the next Twilight movie."

Hilarious.  My husband likes a chic flick....haha.  Who can I tell?  Oh...everyone!

"Car Travel With Kids..."

Don't.

"The Morning Wake up....."

People with kids wake up because their early risers jump in bed with them.

Not me.  At 3:30am the alarm begins going off, snoozing all the way till a final 5am, nagging me awake each and every time till the husband finally resets it for me and climbs out of bed. 

Peace.  Till the husband walks out of the bedroom and lets the cat in.  Normal cats meow.  Our cat yaks.   Sounding like an old man hobbling to a sink to spit out that 'thing' in his throat, "Aaayk!....Aaayk...Aaayk..." 

I lay there thinking, "Just one more yak...please....only just one more."  It continues.  I climb out of bed, boot the cat from the room, and snuggle back in bed till I hear the birds (yes we have two lovebirds) began their morning quacking.  

Okay, they don't quack, but what they do is high-pitched, loud and annoying either way.  Under a sheet that is supposed to keep them quiet till you take if off, ha.  Baloney.  They do what they want, when they want....cause taking away "TV privileges" won't work on them.

It's 6am...I'm up. 
Good-morning.

I

"Being Too Nice..."

I'm at Borders sitting at a smallish table.  For some reason, people think I'm nice and always ask to sit with me.  Of course I smile and happily go out of my way to move my stuff, chairs or large furniture to make room for them.

Today a seemingly nice lady asked to sit at my table.  I said, "Oh, of course," making room for her.  Oddly, out of the three empty seats, she chooses to sit in the seat RIGHT next to me, puts on headphones and blasts her music so loud I can hear it word for word.  

I've got two columns due tomorrow and I'm listening to Borders music, her music and her breathing.  I kindly motioned for her to turn her music down a bit and she gave me a dirty look with some weird type of growl.

I again asked her to turn it down a bit more and she takes off her headset and says to me in some thick Argentine accent, "It's a FREE country!"

Wow.  Okay.  Am I too nice?  I refused to get up, so I began to make the 30 phone calls I was waiting to do till I got home.   Boy she was happy.  She ended up moving two tables over (I can still hear her music) on the way banging my table so many times it almost broke.

I'm done with sharing my table.  Next time I'll first screen them, make sure they aren't going to be listening to music or talking on the phone.  But I think it's better to go drastic, like start crazy coughing and barely be able to say "I have pneumonia  and still contagious."   Or I'll start picking my nose and without looking at them say "My imaginary friends are already sitting with me and they don't like company."

"Shopping Hell"

"Mom I need new pants...these are too short."

While most women love having any excuse or invitation to go to the mall....I don't.  These words put me into a panic.  A sweaty, add something else to my neverending to-do list panic.

Mall shopping takes so much time.  Trying on, hanging up (out of respect and fear of dirty looks from store employees), hearing repeated complaints of 'it itches!' or 'nothing fits!' or 'I'm hungry!' send me over the edge.

Online shopping is supposed to be easy but in the end, I'm on a single nerve after an hour of hearing, "Click another, don't like it, click another, ew!"  Also, it's ridiculously expensive...specially returning everything no one liked. 

Then some kind soul saves me, "Hey, Laurie, I've got a box of kid clothes...need any?"   A box of hand-me-downs is like a life raft floating to me after the boat went down.  I respond with a gracious hug and a sigh, "Yes.  Please. Thank you."  The clothes arrive and my kids go through them picking what they like, giving the rest to another family.

Ahhhh....an easy hall pass from shopping hell ....

For now...until that next growth spurt...

"Tie Your Shoes.."

Is it bad I'm hoping my son trips and falls so that he will see the importance of tying his shoes?

Only once would be fine.

Daily he'll snidely tell me, "See Mom?  Didn't fall once!"

Dear God,
If you can make it happen..soon.
Only a little blood please.
Mom