Costco with Two Monsters

Recently I went to Costco with my youngest and his buddy with the promise, ‘I need two things.  If we’re out in ten minutes, we’ll go to McDonalds for ice cream.”  Sounded good, right?

I should have taken bets…I’d have made serious cash. The boys ran, hid and even disappeared behind boxes and shelves I didn’t even notice were there. Every time I asked them to walk with me, stop touching products or stop staring at strangers, they either laughed or ignored me running the other way. I wanted to strangle my child but knew that would scare his friend into never coming over again (not like that’s a bad thing). In the end I asked a big guy employee with a walkie-talkie to pretend to arrest the kids.

He laughed and walked up to the children still hiding behind a box and in a deep authoritative voice said, “Stay with mom or I’ll have to arrest you and take you to jail!”

The boys immediately ran over to me. The friend didn’t leave my side, asking questions like, “What does arrested mean? Where is jail? What is jail like?”

Great…I can see the conversation at his house over dinner…. ”Well son, what did you learn today?”

I answered the boys' questions and reminded him he could come over any time but we’d have to wait they both boys learned to listen.

It’s now been three weeks…........still haven’t heard from his mom.  (not like that's a bad thing either.)

It's JUST Flag Football People!

Rarely do I repeat other's words (cause no one’s funnier) but today, I laughed so hard I almost peed.

My oldest plays flag football. Clueless on the game, I just love watching my son run around. It's fun, but the parents around me are insane. It's a problem in all sports, but what do you do? Me? Laugh at the goofy parents.

Well today, an email came down to all players from the City that runs the program and I had to share. Because anyone who's ever played sports or had a child play sports, is going to either laugh or cry.

In the subject; "It's Just Flag Football People!"
The letter starts off....


So this weekend -

1. One Coach challenges another Coach to fight, and calls a Mom a (female dog).

2. One Coach walks on to the field during the game, curses at Refs, gets thrown out of game and refuses to leave the field.

3. One D4 kid (allegedly) repeatedly grabs kids by the neck.

4. One D2 kid (allegedly) throws a punch.

5. A bunch of D3 parents start screaming at every play or call against them, so much that the other team parents have to move.

6. An anonymous parent sends a nasty email to a D2 Coach insinuating the coach purposely "broke a kid's spirit and shattered his confidence" - when the other coach had no issues.

People - this is youth sports - not life or death! The league will react swiftly to this kind of behavior, and we can tell you Coaches will be suspended for life, and kids will be removed from the league for their actions.

We don't have the time, staff or quite frankly, the interest, in reviewing every piece of tape to see that specific "bad/missed" call! And it doesn't matter - you still need to act as a role model and not a raving lunatic.

Please people - check yourself. When 6 year-olds are looking at you like you're crazy... you are.

-The XXX City Board


YES! And depending on your level of parental sportsmanship, you may or may not be laughing but at this point, but all I can say is “AMEN!”

Pregnant Again?

A few hours ago I thought I was pregnant with my fourth child.  My life is crazy, I don't want any more kids..  And I don't believe in abortion.............but suicide.....!

When Mommy is Sick

I'm on crutches, standing in the doorway talking to my dear friend, Gloria, when my six year old walks up to me with her swimming towel and says, "Mommy, can you hold this?"  followed quickly by, "I'm hungry!  can you get me something to eat?"

I looked down at the girl people have called, my "mini-me" and wondered why she didn't notice my hands were already full, holding handles that allow me to carry my body on two silver sticks. 

For almost 2 weeks I fought this weird infection on my leg.  Staph infection they determined.  Big.  Red.  Nasty. What comes along with Mr. Staff Nasty is fever and pain.  Nice, huh?  I, the mom that never gets sick, was ordered by a couple of doctors to SIT and let others do things for me so the swelling will go down!  Ha!  "Others?"  Did they think I lived in a group home?  I wanted to laugh!  Actually, I think I did.

That first week I was up and down, on and off the couch, giving directions, helping kids, helping my husband...to find things, fix things, make things.  As I'm limping in pain over to 'help' my daughter find the tape, she stands starring at me as if she's angry that I'm taking too long. 

The swelling and pain grew so much that one doctor threatened to admit me to the hospital.  YEAH!  But I knew I had one other (better) option.  

The next day, I called the one person that could help me.....my savior, my hero....my superman.  Superwoman.  I called my Mom.  She understood.  She'd had a husband (he died) and she'd been sick.  She knew exactly how I felt and what I needed!

Even the very thought of calling her caused me to burst into tears.  I could barely speak to make my desperate plea, "Mom, I need you...."   And that was it.  My mom was at my side as soon as she could get a flight.

Since then, things have calmed; my kids are happy, my husband is happy (but still can't find things in his own home, but he's happy), and I'm happy.  No.  I'm blessed.  I've been able to do as the doctors said and do it with love and support all around me.  (which some say, makes healing happen even faster!)

I know Mother's Day is long gone, but your mom, if living, isn't.  Thank her often.

The Puppy-Sitter

It was early morning on Mother's Day and my sister-in-law, Amy, was doing a good deed. Babysitting the neighbor's 6-week old Golden Retriever, in his cage for the night, till my young niece and nephews took him out to play....

"MOM!"

Amy ran to the frightened scream to see the tail end of her black thong panties being swallowed by the tiny puppy, "Nooo!"

In an instant, the panties were gone inside the barrel of the dogs' tummy. The family knew they had to get the dog to the vet or risk having to tell their newly divorced neighbor, who purchased the puppy to ease stress on her kids, that puppy was heaven-bound.

Amy grabbed the dog and ran to her car. It wouldn't start!

(This was when, rude as it may seem, I started to laugh.)

It wasn't even 10am on Mother's Day and poor Amy was battling fires she didn't even cause.

(I continued to muffle my laugh as she continued her story...)

Her husband yelled and protested as Amy then climbed into his immaculate, no-dogs-or-children-allowed-car, to transport the underwear infested puppy to the Vet.

Thankfully, the undies were still in the dog's tummy and inducing vomit produced the underwear, his Dorito breakfast and a $385 fee for their trouble.

Days later Amy wondered out loud if she should have let the dog try and digesting the thong, but is still happy she did what she did.

As am I...as I love stories like that!

But if they ever watch another dog again, it will not be on Mother's Day and will not be left unattended with children And her dirty clothes...they will forever make it into the hamper...with a new lid.

Watch the GAME?

Oh...I’m sorry. I’m just not into sports.

I love that my kids play sports.  But when I sit there…I watch my kid.  Not the game. 

Then my mind wanders.  As I watch my kid.....I’m thinking....what will they be like in 30 years, will they get married, what will their job be like, what will they be like?  Will he be nice?  Will he invite me to dinner or call me once in awhile?

Someone shouts, “Did you see that shot?”

Oh....uh....no....I missed it.

I smile and go back to my thoughts......look at the other kids….as they get older, how will their lives go, who will remain friends when they are my age…who will die early from some weird tragic death?   Will I still be here?  Will my kids be the ones leaving early? 

The man next to me stands and screams, "Yeah!" 

I look to the kids smiling at their latest goal and realize this will be the last time they will ever be this small.  They are so sweet, so innocent, so cute in their pre-teen, pre-acne, pre-I-know-more-than-you-Mom age.

The game is over and my ten year old runs over to me as I smile open my arms to hug him, "Did you win?"

My ten year old stops dead in his tracks, "Didn't you watch?"

I admit the truth, "I watched every second...."

My ten-year old lets out a big sigh as he rolls his eyes and walks toward my husband as I see the early onset of "My Mom is so dumb." 

Truth is....I'm much wiser than he'll ever understand.  I'm a mom.

The Upside of Death

Two men under 51 died two days apart. Separate incidents, their wives did not know each other.

I knew the first man, other friends knew the second.

Friends who were consoling me, two days later, I had to console them.

That week I was in a walking coma. This is life. We get one. Breathe. Live. Breathe. Laugh.

It was a sad, dreadful time...but if you think about it....when I look back at that week, I feel so happy and content.

That week my life stopped. I cancelled appointments, cancelled activities and stuff that wasn't as important as sitting with my friends and family. My house was a total mess but my kids had my full attention as we played games, read, talked, hugged, sat and prayed.

In the end...that yucky, horrid week was the most connected I've felt to my husband, kids and friends in a long, long time. See what death does to us if we open our minds?

That was wonderful week. I miss my friend. I'll see him soon. Uh....hopefully not too soon.

The Bad Sports Mom

Even though I'm a girl, I like sports. I like my kids to play sports. But not when it's 42 degrees and raining so hard and long kids (shaking from the cold) can't see the ball or other players they keep crashing into.

Sports-lover OUT….loving Mamma IN.

My son had two lacrosse games back to back in sleeting freezing sideways wind and rain. Every inch of his body, clothing, socks and shoes were wet like someone threw him into a river. He was shivering so bad it looked as if he was going through a seizure. Fifteen minutes into the second game….

Coach said, "Suck it up..."

Dad said, "Be a man...."

Mom said, "Get your butt home...."

I won't tell you who one this battle but I will tell you when a woman is involved (let me repeat...when a Mom is in involved) in a battle over whether her child will be put into danger, bodily harm, or sickness, move over. Mom becomes a bear and won't settle down till she gets her way for her child.

My large tween baby came home in tears to my warm hugs and soft heart. Reminding him....all is fair in love and sports....unless he needs a rational supporter, in which case, I will always battle to protect him. (Better do it now, only have a few more years before he'll avoid my embarrassing hugs.)

Yes, they won their game....but five of the boys missed three days of school or more.  Was it worth it?

Hot Sexy New Boobs!

Need a boob job?  Need a laugh?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzakeJ6GRXo

A Happy Ending...

The worst part about life? It ends. If not for you...then for someone else you're gonna miss horribly.

A few weeks ago, my dear friend Todd, 51, dad of 2 little kids and husband to a great wife, had a heart attack and died. No warning. No I love you's. No "did you remember to pay that life insurance bill?" Nope. None. Just hanging with the family one day...gone the next.

Last week another friend called sad that her 98 year old Grandfather passed away. While I feel bad when anyone has to say good-bye to someone they love, I also wondered why my friend couldn’t see how lucky and blessed she was that she got to have Grandpa in her life so long?

And really, how long do we expect a person to live anyway? I'm in shock every New Years when I realize another year has past and if I live to be 100 I now only have 63 more New Years left. Then I reduce 100 to 80 and then I only have 43 more left. It may be morbid to you, but to me, it's a reality check to remind me to get off my butt, take chances and not let the silly crap bog me down.

Do I expect to live to 150? No. Do I want to? The idea is horrifying; all my friends would already be gone and I'd have to endure all those funerals as I literally fall apart. (That's me being selfish.)

But when I think about my friend’s Grandfather, I’m still blown away how lucky is. She got to experience soooo many wonderful memories with him that she wouldn't have had if he had died when he was.....hmm…say, 51 like my friend Todd.

Bottom line: Go! Do! live! Appreciate those you love and tell them you love them. Over and over. Cause tomorrow you (or they) may be gone. And yeah, yeah...you'll be sure to tell them when you see them later in heaven, but in that case, why not start now?

Which Wine Trinket?

What is the point of the colored wine things you put on your glass to make sure you remember which glass is yours?
After ½ glass, I’m lucky if I can see the trinket, yet alone recognize what color it is AND remember what color I had when I started.

I say they make ones that are ‘shocking;’ like a small penis, a hand with the middle finger exposed, or a metal sculpture of two gay pigs.  One look and not only will you remember it that night, you may even remember it for weeks, months, even years to come of that night you drank from a glass that held a small trinket of a big hairy uncut metal toe. 

Then again, I’d have such a good time laughing and looking at all the weird trinkets, I’d probably still forget when disgusting trinket was on my glass.

It's Closed?

The conversation went like this….

“Who wants to go to Diary Queen?”

There were shouts and screams of glee, followed by the voice of my friend's kid who said, “Oooohhhhhh, I hope it’s not closed!”

Hmmm….closed? Why would he say that? It’s sunny, 2pm, why would he think it would be closed? Then it hit me! He said that because his brilliant Mom says that to him when she doesn’t want to take him to ice cream!”  It's closed!

She's a liar! 

Brilliant! 

Liar to children!

I couldn’t stop laughing.

The kids all got quiet as they worried that Mom, aka 'trusty safe driver,' was going to choke on her own spit.

And I thought I was the only one that lied to my kids when I was broke or tired…!   At least I waited till it was dark, this Mom convincingly does it during the day!

Absolutely hilarious. (Love that Mom by the way.)

Win a Dream Home?

I'm not a Vegas girl.  Why?  I don't like to lose.  In fact, the only real betting I do is hitting the snooze alarm each morning.  In Vegas, I'll sit at the nickel slots, pretending to play till I see the cocktail waitress come by with free drinks to those betting.

That said, if the money I spent gambing didn't go to the fat-head casino owners, but instead went to some family in need, I'd bet with pride!

Today, I found that fun-worthwhile gamble.  $150 a ticket and I got a chance (one, single chance) to win a 7,300 square foot, 1.8 million dollar house!  All the proceeds go to benefit the Ronald McDonald House of San Diego.  So regardless if I win or not, someone else gets my money that needs it.

But wouldn't it be cool to win?  Tee-hee.  It's their 7th annual!  Let me know if you get the house - I want to visit!   http://www.sdraffle.com/

The Screw-up of San Francisco

Really? Who's idea was it to put a major city on top of a massive hill?

Like most mountain roads builders built them with safety in mind. They go side to side like you do when you ski a mountain.

Not San Fran! Whoever designed that city said, "Nope! Our people are face adversity! Our roads will go straight up and straight down!"

Later as global warming set in, someone must have said, "Let's just hope it never snows here."

Who Stole My Time?

Five minutes ago it was 9am, now it's 1pm!

When I was a kid in school, I'd stare at that big white time counter, watching the second hand click and click, using my brain, my magic power from watching "Bewitched" to make that black pointer click faster, just a bit faster...so I could be free!!!!

Never worked.  The day dragged on.  Slow and painful.

Now, today and every day.....I wish that clock back in my life.

The Cleaning Headache

My mom has a cleaning lady....or ladies.  4 women that sweep through her house in record speed doing crap she loathes; stove, bathroom, toilets.  These ladies have been cleaning her house bi-weekly for as long as when I once lived there.  Now they are all getting old and blind. 

Recently I watched as they swept, mopped and vacuumed my moms house, missing obvious crumbs and a dried coffee spill that any normal eye would have noticed.   Yet at the end, they stood in admiration of the now clean home (or so they thought) as they gloated in appreciation of one another...one for having a home to clean, the other for doing a great job.

As they parted ways till the next visit in two weeks, I quickly picked up a napkin and wiped up the coffee spill and the crumbs. 

I know there is a saying that would go perfect here, but I can't think of it....hmmm....beauty is blind?  It only bothers you if you notice?  Friendship is better than a clean home?   

While it annoys me that my mom pays for a service that isn't being done right, she's so happy.  And who am I to ruin that for her?

The Nice Girl

For some reason I'm always aware of people that can't find a place to sit or have trouble fitting in. It's in my blood. I want to help. I have to get up, move chairs or even forgo my own seat to share with another just so someone can fit in and be happy.

But not when I'm working. Once a week I go to a coffee house somewhere to write my column for the magazines I write for. One time a woman came in and when I saw her struggling to find a place to sit, I made room at my table so she'd have a place to sit down. Ten minutes later, she turned on her IPod and began to sing. Loudly.

Thinking I was set up by Ashton Kutcher on PUNK'd....but doubtful because I didn't know him yet....I went ahead and kindly asked her to turn it down. Suddenly she started screaming at me to mind my own business and to get a life. She started singing louder.

I looked around for support. Didn't anyone see me help this lady find a place to sit and now she was abusing me? Nope. People don't want to get involved. They just looked down. I left and went somewhere else.

Weeks later whenever someone else asked if they could share my table, I asked if they had an IPod or liked to sing in public. If they said no to both, they could sit.

Then I had a guy that sat on his phone the whole time laughing, sharing details about his pickups. While it was interesting and useful if I had a dating column, it was loud and distracting.

Another time this guy wanted to sit with me. I told him, "My husband is on his way..." He said he'd move when my husband arrived. Then when my husband arrived, he told us, "I'm not moving there is nowhere else to sit. Why don't you go somewhere else?"

So I've learned. Now when I go to write at a coffee house, I bring a large binder, scraps of notepaper and then I purchase two cups of coffee. I then set up the other side of the table to look like someone else is sitting there. Ahhh. No one asks to sit there cause it looks like that person is in the bathroom.

I'm still nice and helpful. Just not at a coffee place.

Lunch With Laurie

Tonight I have a show.  I love doing standup. Love it.  It's in the blood and must be done weekly or I've been known to get antsy.

But I hate the fact that comedy clubs are only open at night.  

7pm I'm leaving as my kids stare at me as if  I'm moving out.  Once at the show....if I beg to go on first and perform right away so I can get home fast, chances are I won't be 'seen' by agents, producers or people that can put me on Leno, Joy Behar, or Judge Judy (wait...no, not her)  Cause those important people don't seem to even come out till after I'm usually in bed.

Unlike most comics who sleep till noon, I'm up at dawn and put me up to perform past 9:30pm, I've been known to yawn on stage.  And that's attractive. 

I dream about working during the day, and am moving forward with my new show title: 
"Lunch with Laurie"

No more angry, sad stares from my kids, just everything I love:  Day, food and laughter.

Why didn't I think of this before? 

Alright...who's got a women's luncheon coming up? 

A Little Love on V-Day

It wasn't that hard. I saw some candy boxes and thought about my older neighbors, some married for 50 years, some widowed, and some I'm sure hadn't received a Valentine in years. So I planned a little 'happy.'

My kids and I put cut out pink squares, wrote "Happy Valentine’s Day" and delivered them to the doors of women (old and young) in our neighborhood.

I was so proud, my kids were so thrilled (after they screamed at each other about who would deliver what, and who was delivering more than someone else!). Bottom line it was just a fun little 'life lesson' on showing appreciation for women and making others feel special.

The response was so unbelievable, even my tween boy (who won't let me kiss him in public anymore) said, "I'm so happy we did that Mom."

Bottom line; Where others may say, "Ugh, why bother...." That's when you can say, "Hey, why not?"

Making someone else feel happy will make you feel even better.

Seattle's Best? A Cup of Water Puh-leeze?

I spent $13.65 on a three coffees and a muffin-thing for my littlest tot.  Thirty seconds later I went back and asked for an ice water.

"50 cents."

I laughed. Really? For ice water?

"We have to pay for the cup...."

My friend (for whom I just purchased a coffee), as well as a stranger in line both offered to pay for my water.

I was so shocked, it froze me. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. Was I on candid camera? Was I being poked by someone on facebook? (never sure what that does, but yesterday I was walking funny because I had some weird pain in my leg. I think I got poked?)

Yes, I know the economy is hurting. People are hurting. Yet, here I am, patronizing a store. Instead of making coffee at home and drinking water for free, I chose this store to visit. And bring some friends (oh and a child). Then I get smacked with a ‘are-you-kidding-me fee.'

Being the bad-ass the mother in me won’t allow. I didn't pay it. I told her ‘Hmmm…no thanks.”

As I walked back to my friends (laughing at me as they do), I saw the girl behind the counter look me in the eyes and throw the cup of water into the trash. (Maybe she thought I’d wait till they close the store, climb in the dumpster and go get the precious cup of water…. that by now I'm sure she had poisoned?)

The silliness of it all.

My other friend went next door and got a huge cup of water in a plastic cup (with ice and a straw) from another restaurant. For free! And we didn't buy anything there!

(Last week, the counter clerk at Noah’s Bagels overheard someone say it was my b-day and not only did he give me a free bagel, later he brought out a tray of fresh fruit. Did he know me? No. But I now know him. Will I come back? Triple yes! That place is awesome. The people there are awesome! Oh and they have free cups for ice water.)

Seattle’s Best? Are you listening?