Mom, Is God in there?

My littlest kid, Roc, said to me as we were driving by the church we go to on Sunday, "Is church over?”

I said, “Yes…”

He leaned forward as if trying to see and said, “Is God still in there?”

I wanted to tell him God is everywhere but thought he'd start nervously looking around like you do in the big chair at Disney's Haunted House when that green ghost sits next to you at the end. 

So instead I took the opportunity and said, “Yep, that’s his house…and when you go there he wants you to be quiet."

Roc said, "Yeah, I'm not quiet."

Working Mothers Deserve Sainthood

The list of daily activities seems to get longer and longer and it's only 2 of my 3 that I'm escorting around. And then somewhere in-between all these activities, someone says they are hungry and I do the math on what they ate that week and should this 'fix' be a crap snack or healthy snack and how long is it till dinner and (by the way) who is fixing dinner. Oh, yeah, that would be me...the lady glued to the car lacking the strength and mentality to muster trying to put feed everyone.

What will happen to my brain when that third kid starts the "after school activities?" Will I power through with a coffee pot strapped in, brewing in my back seat, shouting at slow, tired kids to "MOVE! MOVE!" or will I have a complete breakdown with hospitalization for six months and have peace and quiet in a white room with no complaints, food requests or argument breakups. Um.... That second one sounds kinda nice.

Then I think about those moms that work....and my heart aches with stress for them. Whether they want to work or have to work, I don't know how they do it.

I have a few little jobs but they don't even compare to my friends working those serious jobs (with a boss and yearly reviews) from 9 to 5 or 7 to 7. My family struggles a little, but for my full time working mom friends who work and then come home and have to do everything that I do (yes, okay, some husbands help...but really, truly, if a husband does anything....it's only because a Mom has organized and told him to do it), I bow my head to them.

So if you are a working mom, this is me bowing and telling you that you are a truly amazing woman. Here. Do you feel that? It's a pat on the back.
Now go plan your next amazing vacation. You deserve it.

Escalators....

Everytime I'd see an escalator I'd be reminded of shopping and beauty surrounded by businesses in the business of making me look good.

Now, with three kids under ten, whenever I see an escalator, I turn into this crazy lady convinced someone will miss a step and fall to their death while I watch stuck myself on a level I can't get off, because the escalator going the other way is clear on the other side of the mall!

So I shut commands like a veteran drill sergeant:

Tie that shoe!
Don't lean!
Hold the side!
Look straight ahead!
Stop licking the rubber!

Everyone hates me till we are off the 'ride' and safely on the next floor. One time I was so mad at them for goofing around, I told them the story of the kid who got his shoelace stuck and the escalator teeth ate his shoe and his foot and to this day he can't run or play. I didn't care if it was true or not, they were petrified. For like three more trips, they were the perfect little soldiers on the escalator. Two months later, my story went into a distant memory that I'd bring up now and then and they'd just roll their eyes.

Till last week, when we witnessed an older woman mis-step getting on the escalator. Not only did she end up riding the escalator on her backside, (upside down with her panties showing) but she had a gash on her knee that looked like the escalator bit her. My kids mouths were on the floor and we watched the paramedics come and the lady being taken away to get her knee repaired.

Later we spoke again about the dangers of being careful on the moving stairwell, but there is something annoying about a Mom having to tell and tell and tell. Cause when kids watch, witness or see with their own eyes. It's in there. And they get it.

Why PrePackaged Meals Are So Popular

After hours of going to the store, then cutting, slicing and cooking a great yummy meal...using only ingredients you know each and every single person in the family likes and eats on a regular basis...you prepare this massive meal out of goodness and love only to hear:

"Yuck!  This sucks.  Can I have something else?"

Teaching kindness and manners is unlikely when all you really want to do is hit them in the head with an egg.

Why I HATE Car Salesmen at Carson Toyota

I went by Carson Toyota in California, to check about a light on my dashboard. A salesman outside helped me and then suggested I could turn in my 2008 Sienna for a 2011 Sienna (the same model) for the same monthly price.

We did this song and dance thing for four months, until he convinced me "I have all the numbers solid, no drive off fees, no nothing, and your payments will stay the same."

What do you think happened?

After visiting the dealer twice, I emptied my car (kid seats, toys, things I never knew I had hiding in there) and returned to Carson Toyota to discover I was a victim of 'bait and switch.' This five year veteran salesman lied to me. Lied to ME. An on-the-ball girl who crossed her t's and dotted her i's. I was so mad I cried for days. (comedy is humor plus time...I haven't had enough time, so this may come out kinda angry) (sorry loyal readers but you must know this horrid Toyota story)

I was so mad I told this salesman, who commented he'd never seen two credit scores as high as my husband and I, that the reason we had such high credit cores was that we were honest people who paid their bills and Toyota would be lucky to continue to have us as loyal customers.  (OK, I did swear a few times) and left. They didn't expect that. They thought even though they changed the deal on me, the deal we agreed on over the phone over and over and over, that I would still do this new deal because I wanted this new car so bad.

Ha.  Nope. I walked.

I walked with my story about a corrupt dealer that opened my eyes to the ugly side of car buying, that in this day and age of Toyota trying to win back loyal customers, is still going on. They all should be ashamed of themselves. (and other nasty words)

Bottom Line: Do not be a victim of car salesmen, playing you against some Wizard of Oz, hidden 'big' man behind a partition that's about to control your financial future.  What are they talking about in there?  It's your car?  How can they negotiate without YOU?  Help end this fifty year old game and be wise.  Know your price and before you go to the dealer, negotiate over the phone. And then be SURE to get EVERYTHING in writing...or they will play dumb, "Oh that car wasn't even here..." "Oh we thought you wanted the fuchsia colored car...." Do this all before you waste your time and patience.  Then email me your hero story!  laurie@lauriemcdermott.com

How Old is Ok to Die?

"I'm really sad, my Grandfather died last week."

"Oh, no..." I said, "How old was he?"

"98...it's so sad."

I wanted to laugh.  But instead I hugged my friend trying to hide what I thought was hilarious.  Every grandparent on both my parents side died when I was a kid.  I never got to see them at birthday parties or share memories with them or hear stories about their life and the valuable lessons they could have taught me from sharing their life with me.  Nope.  I got nothing.  Now here was a friend who had all of those wonderful things for so long and instead of appreciating it, she was mad and upset.

Since I do "funny" for a living, I made sure to remind her to remember how lucky she was to have had him in her life all these years as well as the funny things she loved about it.  Within seconds she was laughing.

Member when you were ten and hearing someone who was 40 meant they were deathly old?  Then at 40, 60 wasn't that old.   I bet at 80, will 90 still look young?  Then at 100, what are you thinking?  Can I make it one more year?  Ten?  Twenty??

Bottom line:  When someone dies, we are reminded of how short life really is.  We only get one life...don't screw it up.

Short and Sweet Emails or Texts? Don't Take it Personal

By email I invited a friend to coffee, this was after I praised her efforts on a benefit we had just closed and also answered several of her questions on how to get in to see a certain doctor.  This was her response:

"Can't today, crazy."

Oh.

My first reaction was, "Really?  I wrote 5 paragraphs and all she said was three words?  Couldn't she have noticed my efforts in responding and done the same back to me?" 

My second reaction was, "Have I angered her?"

My third reaction was "She's out.  She must be using a blackberry or be in a store or pushing a grocery cart." In which case....I'd like you all to know: Stop using emails while you are out in the world.  Emails should not be done in the car, while you pee or standing in line at Disneyland where it's so loud and distracting you spell words like 'know' (no) incorrectly and people begin to think you have a mental problem.  Wait till later to respond. 

I will not die if I do not get a reply within one to seven days.  (By day eight, yes, maybe.)

Also, don't ever answer any email with the words, "not going to work for me’ or ‘ it doesn’t work for us.’

What?  Really?

How about ending every email with, "Thank you so very much for taking the time to email me today."

No one will be wondering if your words were genuine or not.  They'll just be so happy to see the one person online who still has manners happens to be their friend.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

Need a Job? This is What NOT To Do

I was standing ordering a icy jamba-type drink when I heard a voice behind me interrupt.

"Are you hiring?"

I turned.  Wearing ripped jeans, flip flops and a smirk, the girl speaking asked her question while looking down at her blackberry. 

The kid taking my order stopped talking to me and answered her, "Nah...we're full."

I watched her walk away as the kid said, "Tough market out there..."

My brain was on fire.  So many thoughts I didn't know where to start:
1) Who did this girl think would hire her if she doesn't look at the person she's speaking to?
2) Did she think anyone would hire her if she can't put her blackberry down for ten seconds?
3) Didn't someone tell her to dress for success, even if it's boring retail?

I wanted to run after her, to help her, advise her, tell her how to smile, what to wear, to ditch that electronic contraption controlling her eyes to look at only it.   I watched this girl walk into Starbucks and again get denied.  She wasn't even trying, her head still looking down at her blackberry.  She could have asked another question, the one about if anyone knew if anyone else was hiring.

Collecting all the balls in my body, I was just about to walk over to her when a car pulled up and she climbed in.  Okay, so my regret today?  Not reaching out and blowing her socks off on how to get a job.  But if you have kids....share this story with them and see what they would have done. 

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

HealthCare Problem; The Rising Cost of Doctors That Think Everyone is Rich

I drove an hour to see this doctor.

Constantly fearing the next earthquake (aka "The Big One") is moments away, I avoided the 6-story parking 'thing' and circled the building for twenty minutes looking for a street spot..

Defeated, it took another 10 minutes to find an open spot in the "death lot".  Walking to the elevator I heard a lady complaining on the phone that every time she came to this building it cost her $30 in parking. Guess her doctor didn't validate. Once in the office, I was horrified to hear the front desk lady tell me, "Well, it's only $2.20 every fifteen minutes."

Only? Really? She must be making close to ten an hour to believe her salary was good enough to cover parking in her building for an hour. I asked if they wouldn't mind if I filled the paperwork out in the room and was told, "Well, you are late and there are four people ahead of you."

I looked at the clock. I was six minutes late because of the parking problem (which no one thought was American fraud but me). So I said, "How many people would have been ahead of us if we arrived six minutes ago?"

The assistant shrugged. Maybe I was the first ever to have answered one of her obviously routine nasty remarks.  So I spoke again, "How long will it be...an hour?"

She responded without looking at me, "No. At least an hour and a half."

I took my family by the hand and turned, "Okay, Bye."

The assistant was shocked, "You're leaving?"

I didn't respond. I just wanted to get out of there....vowing to myself the following:

1) This one is too nasty to mention.
2) If I ever become a doctor, a good doctor, understanding the mind-blasting costs of health care and the difficulty family members undertake to invest in proper care, I will honor and value their pocketbooks and never, ever, ever, ever take residence in a building where my dear valued patients (driving hours because they have chosen to come see ME) are forced to pay hefty embarrassing rates, just to see me.

"Mom Lies to a Cheaper Path..."

Let's be honest.   I’m a mom…I lie. 

To friends when they ask if they look fat, to my kids when I say I don't have a favorite, to my husband when I can hardly utter that I'm tired.

It's survival.   Which is why I can barely breathe when I hear the cost of a single kids ticket is $68 and an adult ticket (do we even want to ride any of the rides?  Can't we just be an unpaying chaperon?) is $76.  

I know kids under three are free.....so I plot. “I know my son looks 10 but he’s really 2, it’s a growth mutation…shhh don’t talk about it...he's so sensitive.”  

The movies?  Did you know where I live in Los Angeles, it's up to almost $12 for 1 ticket?  I pick up my two youngest (3 and 7) and carry them in, “They’re blind….”  

At Taco bell I buy one small coke for my family to share, because the serving machine is on my side with a nice sign that says, “free refills!”  

My one friend who joined me at Taco Bell said, “that’s so unsanitary…” 

I’m responded with, "You kiss your dog on his tongue and let him lick your lips.  I just saved $4 by sharing a coke and germs we all have anyway."

I take my kids to happy hour in bars.  Not cause I'm there to drink, we're there to eat!  Some of those food items are $2!   Are the people at the bar happy I brought kids in to eat their food?  No, they want drinking customers cause the profits are huge. 

Bottom line:  Times are tough.  Keep your money in your pocket, by thinking outside the box.  Thank you Taco Bell!

"Skinny Jeans Make My Fat Move Up"

They were having a sale.  Skinny Jeans.  The "in" thing compared to the baggy Levi's I practically wear to bed.

My sister begged me to make my butt look like it arrived into the 21st century.  So I went to the sale where the saleswoman tried to convince me (or squeeze me) into a pair of jeans two sizes smaller than what I normally wear.

"Suck it in!  Pull!  Great!  Look at how good your butt looks!"

My butt?  Was that my waist?  Having trouble intaking air, I noticed the fat on my lower half was squished so tight it had nowhere to go but up over the top of the jeans! 

Trying not to faint I grabbed the saleslady.  In my old loose jeans, my fat evenly melted into my body.  In these jeans, I looked like I just ate a buffalo.  And felt like it too.

The saleslady giggled, "Oh, everyone has waist fat, just wear a loose shirt to cover it."

Really?  I'm to give up breathing so I can fit into skinny jeans only to be forced to cover my spillage fat with a big shirt which will hide the view of my nice butt which was the very reason I bought the jeans in the first place?

It was exhausting.  But yes, I did buy the jeans.  Why?  Cause I have a husband that never gets to see my butt, even in bed (cause it's dark).  I owe him that. 

Who cares if I change to my big jeans in thirty minutes.  How long does he need to see my butt anyway?

"High School Girls..."

Yesterday I happened to drive by our local high school with my soon to be 11 year old son who, after we passed the school, asked, “Mom, why do teenage girls wear shorts that high up on their legs?”

I said, “They just want to look hot.”

Ty said, “I think they look cold.”

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Don't Judge a Mom..."

Yesterday I was at my son's gymnastics class when I saw a mom with three kids walk in. One of the kids was crying, the other was so mad his face looked like one of those balls you squish to get out frustration.

I didn't know what had happened but it was obvious the crying kid needed to be held and the angry kid needed an attitude adjustment. Then something occurred to me like a light bulb going off or one of those "Ah-ha" moments Oprah is always talking about. Forget the kids, look at the mom. She was a ball of stress. Battling different feelings, opinions and attitudes...and all she's trying to do was get someone to gymnastics because she loves her kids. Kids don't get that. But Moms do.

The one that really needed a hug was that mom. So, I stood up, walked past the kid chaos and gave her a hug. I didn't know her, but I knew what she was going through and her quiet tears proved to me she needed that hug.

Next time you want to judge a mom, get in her shoes and maybe you'll reach out to hug a stranger too.

"A Single Call..."

There should be a phone number you can call, any time of the day and night, to ask a question.

1-800-Tell-me....

The internet is no good because there is so many other distractions that by the time you've clicked on 18 other pages, you remember why you went on line in the first place.  And after 2 hours you still don't have your answer.  But you did buy a new dress, connect with an old friend on facebook, and even found a photo of your dead grandma's house on Google Earth.

Then it's dark, 10pm and we ask, "Where did the time go?"

Which leads us back to the beginning:  There should be a phone number you can call at any time of the day and night to ask a question.

"Why Soccer is Painful"

I suppose if you have a superstar, watching your kid play soccer can be fun, even exciting as you see your mini-you fly pass the other kids, interested, focused and enthused on kicking the ball or trying to win.

Not me.  I watch my kids watch the other kids run by.  I watch my kids stare into the sky at some plane, bird or balloon they happened to notice.  I watch my kids watch me watching them as they mouth, "Is it over yet?"

Most parents scream, "Go!"  "Keep running!"  "Great job honey!"

I scream, "Focus!" "Stop biting your nails!"  "We can look at the ants at home!"

But really, over time, I kinda like not having the pressure of having a kid that has to do well...that the team expects to score so that the team succeeds.  Yep, now my husband and I relax and enjoy the game.  We giggle when he misses the ball.  We laugh when he sees a gopher and instead of playing the game, he follows where the hole leads.  Cause we realize, one day, twenty years from now, when he's not in professional sports, we'll laugh at these moments of enjoying our kid and letting him be just our kid.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"What IS that Little Voice I Hear?"

I was driving alone on a four hour trip to a gig in Vegas. Four hours just me. Then I heard it. It was small and quiet. What is that noise? It was so familiar but so distant. Then it came to me....oh! That voice I hear...is ME! Talking to ME.

My long lost friend, my mental guide! My inner self having a conversation with me. I was so excited I didn't know what to think/talk about...so much had gone on since we'd last been in contact!

"Where have you been?" I asked. Oh.....I was too busy listening to my kids, my husband, my friends and my world to remember or notice that the "Me" was getting lost. Am I doing what I wanted to in my life? Am I going in the right direction? Taking the right trips? Seeing what I wanted to see in the world? Was it was time to slow down?

I decided to have a conversation with me every day. First thing. Before the kids wake up. It would be hard, cause I love to sleep. But instead of thinking about everyone else for those precious few moments in the morning, I would have a conversation with me.

I once met an older woman who said she woke up one day shocked to see she was 67 and hadn't done any of the things she wanted to do. I told her it's never too late, do it! Go for it! She said what woke her up was her husband passing away too young.

I now love listening to me....and older wiser people. They remind us all what we need to be doing today.

Don't wait. Listen to you....do it now.

"Guilty At the Gym....No More"

I once heard a therapist on the radio say, "Only selfish moms take her kids to the gym to dump them off with strangers, while she works out." (Selfish Moms with nice butts.)

What was the therapist's suggestion? "Exercise at home; Run with your stroller, do sit ups next to your baby, do jumping jacks in the living room."

Hmm....? Nope. That'll never happen. Dropping the baby off with the stranger while I get 60 minutes of undisturbed challenging workout peace....now we are talking. Specially when Mom accomplishes her goal to keep healthy. (happy wife/happy life)

My one friend struggles with the guilt of taking her four year old to her gym and now uses the building as a landmark when she drives by, "Oh, hey, that's my gym!" Course she's sixty pounds overweight with a whole home-gym set she purchased to use but has never touched.

Having a kid hold you back from the gym is great fodder till they are in college and your excuse is....?

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Disney Souvenirs....What Gift Not to Buy Any Child Under Age 10"

You are at Disney, waiting to see Ariel, thirty deep in 95 degree weather, and your six year daughter is so excited she has to go poddy. You arrive back and out of nowhere 80 people have joined the line.

When you get to Ariel, what are you going to do to capture this speical day and mere moments with Ariel?

a) Take a photo of your daughter and Ariel?

b) Ask someone else to take a photo of all the kids and Ariel...and you?

c) Spend $7 to $12 on an expensive book full of empty pages to fill with signatures she can't read or won't care about in a few years, all while taking precious time away from others waiting in line behind you (ready to take a single simple photo) while Mickey (or other character) gets their fingers in order inside their sweaty costume to grasp a pen and try to write a fictitious name no adult can decipher later either.

Please say a or b.

Bottom line: Disney started selling the Autograph Books because they really do havebrilliant marketing prodigies that figured out there was a need and why not make Disney richer. Yet for others, in the hot sweaty line behind a pint size autograph asker, most will all agree.......unlike a photo your child will be able to show their own kids fifty years from now, the Autograph Book will be in the trash or used as grocery-list paper within a year.

Bottomer-Bottom-line: Save your money, take a photo.

"Skype Scared"

Have you tried using Skype?  Or are you one of those people that know it only as "The way Oprah speaks to celebrities that can't fly to her show."

When we went away to Aruba, I thought it was the perfect way to keep in touch with my three kids who were all staying at different families.  Wrong. 

One family was afraid installing Skype would slow down their computer, another family said, "Skype compromises the security of their life and just opening an account would cause the world to see their finances, data, and birthdates."  (I thought Russian spies or any decent hacker spent time focusing on how to break into BANKs' security systems, not one sole computer, with a family bank account?).

The other family wanted to use my computer at home..  Which was a great idea till every time my oldest son would be standing in front of the camera, my husband would comment about the background behind him, "Wow, those pictures on the wall look fantastic," or "Ohmigosh...did you see how cool that paint looks in the light?"  So much so my son stopped answering Skype and would only speak to us by phone.

But on the bright side, Skype does work and work well!  My 65 year old mom in Chicago figured out how to use it and we had a lovely time chatting...and she still won't plug in her answering machine cause it's too complicated.

So there's hope for the rest of you. 

Sign up.  It's free.  Call me.  http://www.skype.com/

"You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?"

You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?

I asked a lady in English, "What time is it"

And she responded, "No ablo Espanol."