"My Boy-Boy"

When you have a big sister who thinks she's a celebrity stylist, you're going to end up with photos like these that your mother will hide for use and hilarity at your wedding.

"Why I Love My Toyota Sienna"

I used to know I was in a parking spot when I heard a light, "Bang," and my car jolted back and forth.

Now I know I'm in a spot because I can SEE out the back end of my Toyota.  It's like there are two of me and while one of us is driving, the other is showing me how much space is left as I back up perfectly.

Sometimes people behind me freak out seeing me backing up while not looking in the places one would think I'd be looking.  I get honks and "Stupid driver!" all the time.  When actually, I'm smarter than all of them as I no longer worry when I back up that I'll run over toys or god forbid, a child.

The other thing I love about the Toyota Sienna is the automatic doors.  One click, doors open and all my kids climb in or out.  They never have to touch the door allowing me comfort knowing a finger isn't going to get stuck.  If it did, the sensors in the sliders, open immediately.  I accidently tested this when my ten year old shut the doors not knowing my head was in the way.   It closed gently on my skull (nice huh?) and immediately opened so I could bolt upright unharmed and yell at him for not warning me before he clicked the close button.

I also like the fold-down seats, the DVD and the navigation system (which by the way, I've tried them all from other car makers, and Toyota/Lexus hands down have the best navigation system I've ever tested.  So user friendly (I'm location-direction-retarded) that once you get used to having one (this one)...you'll never want a car without it.

Some Moms laugh at me as they drive off in their 'Cool SUV's."

When in reality, who's the smartest Mommy now?


Written By
Laurie McDermott
http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/
Invite Laurie to speak/perform at your next event.

"Missing Hampster.."

He was gone.
He was there and then he was gone.
He was found 5 days later in an empty fish tank in the garage. 

We all looked at the 3 year old who looked back at us and shrugged, "Maybe he climbed in there all by himself?"

Maybe. 

Now when he goes missing, guess where we find him?

"Weekend In Sports Hell..."

It's Sunday.  Family day!  It was like that when I grew up.  My parents and the kids would find something local or not local to see do or discover. 

I try that in my house.  "Do we want to go to the local school fair?"

No, we can't.

"How about, why don't we go to the Aquarium for the day?"

No, we can't. 

Why?   My husband coaches my sons' baseball and football teams and although the weekdays have their own challanges, usually on Sunday, we face the following schedule:
9:30 - church
10:30-12noon - baseball batting practice.
1-3:30pm - baseball game.
5-6pm - football practice before his game.
6-7pm - football game.

Meanwhile I also happen to be a parent to two other childen, 6 and 3 who get dragged to the other child's games all weekend, watching their dad from afar and missing him, wondering why they can't stand with him during any of the day's activities.  All the while I'm soothing ruffled feathers and negotiating battles trying to watch any part of what I can see of my oldest playing.

If I was a boring mom, or maybe one that loved sports, this entry here would be different...but I"m a fun, creative mom who loves taking her 'family' - (that means everyone; husband and kids!) outside their city block on weekends to experience the amazing things the world around us has to offer.  But I can't cause 1/3 of the family is constantly stuck in these activities that repeat themselves every weekend.

If my oldest was 16 and off to a great college under a school scholarship, that would be different, but he is not sports savvy and part of me thinks he only plays because of his dad. 

So, the family day together fun will have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.

"The 6 year old Horder..."

My favorite thing in life is to throw crap out.    Purge.  Trash.  Pack it for good will.  Give it to a friend. 

I loathe clutter so much I keep a 7-shelf cabinet totally empty.

Yes.   It's true.  Come over.  Empty.

The 7-shelf unit is void of books, nick-nacks and other crap just to remind me that life is short and anything worth putting on a shelf I never see, isn't worth keeping.

It helps me in so many ways.  At a store, Ill load my cart with things I think I want and when I go to check out I have a serious converation with myself.  "Do you really need that?"  (never ask do you want, cause you know you'll want everything).

All my kids understand and are great at "giving stuff to poor kids."  (At least that's what I tell them, but I'm sure even poor kids wouldn't want their old stuff.)

My daughter, 6, is not a Mommy follower.  She argues with me that even the paper kid menu from California Pizza Kitchen is so precious it's worth saving forever to give to her kids.  I suggest giving it to poor kids and she says, "They can go to that restaurant if they want one so bad."  I explain over and over.  She just has her own agenda.  Later I hide the menu and then toss it in the trash when she's not looking.  But she finds it, "MOM!!!"

I respond, "Daddy didn't mean to throw out your menu."

I've tried teaching her the benefits of tossing stuff, but it's an endless battle I lose every time.

So if anyone wants to do a study on the habits of a future hoarder...I've got a live one for you.

"Meet My New Trainer..."

Summer is coming.  Time to pick my butt up from laying on my thighs and start working out again. 
But how do I get motivated...

I was going to get a trainer....but I can't afford one.

I was going to get a work-out buddy...but everyone I asked said they were too lazy, too tired or too defeated.

I was going to get a walking partner...but then I'd have to strap my three year old into a stroller and hear him complain that he's tired, hungry or bored (everything I would be) the whole time.

Then I was walking by a coffee place and this book shouted at me to come look at it.   I was smitten.  Each and every page is filled with descriptive, detailed photos and inspiring information that a trainer would be saying (if they talked that much). 

But....I found my trainer!   Every day I carry him ( I call him "Bob") with me to the gym.  I set "Bob" down for my twenty minutes of cardio.  Then I open him to the page of the body part/s I want to work on....and I do whatever he tells me to do. 

Downside:  I have to read (sometimes upside down or sideways). 
Upside:      Someone elese is telling me what to do! 

Most people carry magazines into the gym.  I carry "Bob."  Yes, I may look like a goon to some, but "Bob" gives me a way better work out than I could ever give myself.   And it's working.  I'm already 'happy-sore' and feeling better.

So if you're like me, ready to battle back to the bikini on your own, "Bob" is waiting for you!  Or look for the lady carrying a book and we'll do "Bob" together.

"Can You Talk and Cook?"

My agent wants me to audition to host a new show on the food network.

I laughed out loud. 

I'm a great cook and I can talk...but I can't do them at the same time?

Have you ever tried?  I did.  I read "1/3 cup of sugar", walked to the sugar, grabbed the measuring spoon, said a few words....then...not only did I forget how much sugar I needed...I'm forgot if I already added the sugar.

Nope.  Can't do it.

"A Cup of Coffee Idea..."

This very morning I drank coffee from a cup that had writing on the inside of the cup.

It read "Buckingham Palace." 

Each and every time I raised the cup to drink, I'd read this over and over.  Each time my mind went to The Queen, her adorable single grandsons and how my friend (the cup owner) once used to live there.  

What a cool way to advertise.  And what a subtle, cool way to subliminally tell guests what you want them to think.

I'm already mentally designing cups for my house!   The cup's inside-writing would read something like:  "Do not look too closely at the floor..."  Or "Your host, Laurie, is so hot."  Or  "Yes, she has a lot of kids but all houses are loud and have various piles of clothing, food and paper scattered about."

Okay, that last one may be too long to hand-write onto the inside rim of a cup but....I'm gonna try!

"The Beloved fees..."

Today I made a call to have a late fee removed from a bill I've been paying perfectly since 2006. 

"No....we never waive fees. You pay late. You get a fee.  Too bad."
"Did you just say 'too bad' to me?"
Silence.
"Can I have a supervisor?" I wasn't giving up.
"Yes but the supervisor will tell you the same thing...."

I didn't think so but you can't tell that to people who think they have more power then they do.  And phone people do have power.  Your goal is not to belittle them but to let them think that you belive they are of a higher power.

The supervisor comes on and says, "No, we can't remove late fees."

I want to say "Who is we?" but I don't....

Getting more and more ambitious to find someone anyone to remove the $23 fee for paying a $400 car payment 2 days late, wasting an hour of my mental and physical time (worth way more than $23.)

My husband, sitting across from me doesn't flinch, "Laurie...just give up.  Just pay it."

"NO!" I respond like a drug addict trying to clinch that next fix, "I will win."

In the end, I did win.  I got the fee waived.  But did I win?  I wasted three people's time at a company who's employees all should have been doing something else on their job description.  Instead, they went to battle with me and ended up crediting my account anyway.

My advice to you, my loyal readers,....if you don't think you should pay for something and your point is reasonable, and you have eight hours with nothing to do, fight for what you think you deserve.   Everyone is busy, has lives, and makes mistakes?  If you can find that person in a company, a person with compassion, a person with a brain, a person who understands humans sometimes forget....you will win. 

It's exhausting...but you will win.

"Elmo Who?"

When I am home with my kids we don’t sit around watching Oprah or soaps like people assume.

Oh no.

We watch Elmo.  Over and over and over.

I see so much elmo, he shows up in my dreams. 

He’s very nice…he just needs to do something about that back hair.

"Church With Little Monsters"

Is it impossible to just sit and be quiet?  I've bribed my three mini-monsters with quiet toys, munchies and hard cold cash to stay silent for the hour long mass they must attend each sunday.

"Mom...church is sooooo boring...!"

"Yes I know.  But we are going and together we'll be bored."

As an adult, my husband and I really like church.  I need to go to refocus calm in my life.  I do know in time my kids will see the benefit. But for now, all they know is, if they aren't quiet this ugly crumpled mean-looking face will snap and hush them with a snappy two-word sentence:
"Stop!  Now!"
"Quiet!  Down!"
"Sit!  Quiet!"

Others tell me my kids aren't that bad.  But I see the other kids.  Other kids don't kick sibblings, fart really loud and then annouce they did just that, or lauch themselves from one pew to the next yelling, "Whoooahhh!" 

Nope.  Just my kids.  Anyone behind us gets some well-needed comic relief.  First from my kids and then from big-nasty-fun-stopper me. 

Truth is, I really want to laugh.  My kids are hilarious.  But if I did, I know those free entertainment watchers would switch gears and suddenly judge the other way:   "What a horrible mother....thinking it's funny her kids behave that way!  She can't dicipline them all at!  How rude!"

Oh well....

Can't wait till next Sunday.

"A Cart Wheel???"

My six-year-old daughter just did seven cart wheels in a row and then asked me to do one.  Ha.

Can you imagine throwing your body at the ground hoping your hands will support your weight as you throw your legs up and over...hoping again, you'll land without breaking a bone or hearing the words, "She's bleeding...call 911!"

"Unfaithful....the Ultimate Betrayal?"

I was tired...but when I saw that title, I was captured.  At 11pm with the husband out of town, I just had to stay up and watch.

Oddly it was the women that were cheating!  (Nothing to do with today's front page headlines)

They showcased 2 couples: One, a chinese girl with a chinese husband got pregnant from her black boyfriend....he walked out thirty seconds after the baby was born.  Both girls said they cheated because they felt 'lonely' in their marriage.

Then their therapists came on and said what we all know, "Marriage takes work.  You chose the person you want to be married to, so why not....make it work." 

Both couples stayed together.  'Black baby' ended up being put up for adoption as the chinese husband couldn't handle seeing his betrayal on a daily basis.  What a great choice for their marriage!  That new mom showed love and compassion for a husband she betrayed so much she gave up a child.

At 11:45pm, I was wide-eyed and shouting at the TV.  YES!  Great women!  Great choices!

Then I thought, why do couples have to go through a huge mental disaster or hurtful betrayal to get closer?  Why not just do it now? 

I was on the phone to my husand this morning, full of ideas to inspire our 12 year marriage.  I think it's 12 years...  

Either way, he's the only one I want and if we're going to be together forever, why not work hard to have the best marriage we could ever possibly have?

"Shopping..."

Went to a mall for the first time since my boobs have nestled into their inverted negative A.  Cause I haven't bought a new anything since 1997.

Each time I walked into a ‘girly’ store the “Noooooo” chorus coming from my three kids (finally doing something they all can agree on) was so out of control even store employees raised their eyebrows....silently suggesting that I leave.

Now I'm doing the catalog thing.  Which is really brain consuming.  I love the day the package arrives, that's fun.  It's the opening it and trying it all on and then convincing myself that I look good in vomit grey just so I don't have to spend more time and money packing up the ugly item and shipping it back.  Then I've got to remember I shipped it back.  Then I've got to remember to check that I received credit. 

Ugh.

Maybe I'll just take the kids to back to the mall...chained to the stroller, blindfolded, with tape on their mouths. 

That'll be fun.

"Why I Hate American Airlines"

Has American Airlines taken all your miles?

Back when I had a traveling comedy career, I flew American Airlines all the time.  My mileage grew to over 200K miles!  Then after I had my third kid and stopped flying as much, American Airlines decided to take all my miles....without telling me. 

Yes.  Shocking?  

I went to redeem my miles for a free flight and can you believe an AA lady told me, "Sorry, all your miles were lost."

"What?  Can't we find them?"

"Yes, the account went into inactivity and all your miles are gone."

"So they aren't lost....you stole them."

She was rude, "We didn't steal them.  It's a mileage program for frequent fliers.  You aren't one anymore."

"But I was....and may be again.  And I guess you don't care."

No.  She didn't care and that...well.....hurt.

Turns out, they don't have to tell you they took your miles cause it's a frequent flier program and if you don't frequent fly, they can do what they want to the years of loyalty and patronage you gave to just them.

My son's miles disappeared and so did my husband's.  To get them back we all got a credit card with an annual fee of $85 which they charge to you a full month before you even get your card.  Not my 10 year old, he's just screwed. 

So what airline do I fly to comedy shows now?  Whoever is cheapest darling. 

As far as the mileage programs airlines love to brag about?   They are liers.  We are cashing out.  Remaining loyal to the airline offering.... the cheapest ticket. 

"Trading at Lunch..."

If there is one job I loathe in the morning, it's making lunches.  Cause all three of my kids like different things: one has to have NO crusts, one has to have only lunch meat in rolls, one has to have everything I give her cut into bite size portions.  It's just too much for my brain at 7am.

I try to start the night before...but I have to leave the sandwich (main) part for the morning...and it's enough to send me over the loony edge.

I know I read about Moms and how they "make lunches with love" and then put in a napkin with crayon on it saying "I (heart) U."  They are supermoms.  I am not.

Recently I started giving my kids those mini-carrot packets (refusing requests from the bite-size-kid to have me cut them) as well I'd put in a small candy treat (why not, right?)

Later I was shocked to hear my son say, "Thanks Mom, that candy is great to trade."

"Trade?"

"Yeah, trading is so cool....I can leverage what I want with the cool candy you give me."

Did my kid really say leverage?  "Really? What do you get when you trade?"  I asked unsure how I felt about him trading my hard work, my hard 7am struggles, for some random food another mom nicely packed for her kid?


My oldest answered excitedly, "Well if I trade the bottle caps or the sours, I can get a whole apple or a bag of chips...."

Then I thought about it.  He's trading for an apple?  An apple?  That's a wise trade.  Trading for what he wants and considers valuable.  Hmm...  What a cool idea.  Maybe "apple mom" wouldn't like it, but here is my child at school learning how to 'work,' trading like you do in the real world.  Okay, it's a lesson and he's learning.

"Ever do a bad trade?"

My son says, "Yeah, one time this bag of chips I traded for had like nothing in it.  It wasn't the kid's fault.  The people that make those chips are CHEAP."

I smiled.  Okay, he's ten and he's learning a lesson at lunch they don't really ever teach in school.

Well done.

"Candy in the House..."

If it's in the house, they will find it.  Today, at 8:13am, my three year old walked into my bedroom, lips blue, carrying a candy inside a wrapper in the way you would a banana.

"What is that?"  I asked.

"Candy.." He replied as he continued to tell me about his day yesterday.

"We don't eat candy before breakfast!" I took the candy from him in a gentle way.

"Yes," he nodded, "After breakfast, then you will give it to me, yes?"

The candy was hard and as I flipped it over, I was horrified to read the label that said, "David's 5th birthday 2008."

Children can sniff-out candy components inside plastic or steel from fifty feet away.  There's no use in hiding it (cause you'll forget it there till it's too late), it must be thrown away.

After breakfast Roc asked for his candy back and I looked at the cat who's arm I had tucked the candy wrapper under, "Oh no, I think the cat ate it."

Roc was really mad, but now is sitting next to the cat trying to negotiate her to give it back to him out of her tummy.

"A Review..."

After shows in Vegas and Laughlin, it's nice to read a great write-up about myself.  Hope you enjoy it....

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2010/04/every-thing-comedian-laurie-mcdermott.html

Oh and as far as my answer to 'yesterday's' question as to what I did?

It's easy;  1) LAUGH.

You should know this by now, my loyal readers and fans. 
(Laugh is really all I know how to do well anyway...)

"New Mom Friends..."

I pretty much hang out with the same small circle of friends.  But once in awhile I love to reach out to new possible friends.  Why not, right?

Last week I sent out this email to four girls I'd like to get to know better:

"My kids and I are going to the American Family Pet Expo after school next Friday.   Would any of you like to join us?  We went last year and it was sooooo much fun.  They don't sell the animals there, it's just a giant expo that lets you watch (last year there was a dog on a skateboard!), see, touch or even hold some of their animals.  Then after we can go out for Mexican food?  Let me know?"

A whole week has gone by and not a single person has responded till today.  This was the sole email I received in response to my above invitation:
 
" Sounds terrible..... I hate pets!!!!!!!!! No thanks "

Hmmm....what do you think I did?  Did I:

1) Laugh?
2) Wonder what drugs she's taking?
3) Promise to never invite anyone to anything ever, ever again?

The answer tomorrow....

"When I Am Old..."

Have you ever promised yourself that when YOU get old you will never, ever, ever be like that little annoying old old lady who yells at everyone, even strangers?  That's my mother-in-law.  She leaves tomorrow.

My husband called me on my comedy tour frustrated, "My mom and Roc have been fighting all weekend!"

"She is 83, he is 3.  What could they possibly be fighting about?" I said laughing to myself thinking, "Good for him, at three standing his ground."

Then again, it's crabby-bitter-I-hate-the-world-everyone-else-is-always-wrong lady vs a kid not old enough to complete a sentence. 

But I felt his pain and said, "I'm so sorry."

I'll say it here:  If I make it till I am 65, 70 or even 80, I promise to still be smiling and happy and never be a crab. 

If I am, you have permission to shoot me.

"Driving Dream"

Next time I take my family to Disneyland I'm going straight to the Disneyland Autopia. I will then ride with each of my kids, one by one. Then, as they drive and concentrate not to bang on that metal middle, I will start shouting: “I'm hungry!" “Where is the water?” "Stop pushing me!" "What's 8 thousand times 426?" “Are we there yet???” "Can you microwave this for me?"

I can’t wait.

"Kid Leftovers"

I was standing at the table putting uneaten food from my kids three plates into to-go boxes when I heard my husband comment to our couple friends who were all staring at me, "She lives life like we make 10K a year...."

I smiled.  Make fun of me all you want.  I love leftovers.  Not for me, but for the kids and my husband.  It kills me that my kids order a whole meal and then only eat two bites.  But, if you pack it up and take it home, the next day or two, snack, lunch or dinner is only a microwave button away.

My friend commented, "No one eats leftovers at my house..."

I said, "Oh, that's too bad.  Can we take home yours then????"

Don't be shy or embarrassed.  That's food you paid for.  If no one eats it (mostly cause kids are too distracted or excited to eat) take it home.  If they didn't like it, tell someone.  Chances are, they'll get your kid something new.

My family loves leftovers so much, if a dinner I cooked didn't go over so well, I can put it in a To-Go box and the next day, it's gone.  Doesn't say much for my cooking but as long as you know tricks on how to feed your family, hey.... whatever works!

"The Little Voice"

The only reason I take a three-day road gig once in awhile (corporate or comedy club) is because Mom needs a break being funny for adults. 

It's only hours after being alone in silence that I relax and begin to hear a strange little voice. 

"What's that?" I ask confused. 

"Yes.  That little voice is ME....talking to ME." 

Mom life is so crazy busy and so constanly full of busy noise that I can't hear (or let alone even try to hear) my own inner voice, my calm voice, my sane barometer of who the heck I really am.

Ahhhh....

Course after three days of back to back comedy shows, my sanity is tested in different ways and I can't wait to go home to those little (and big) voices 'outside' my head.  Voices that come with hugs and cuddles and the promise of future annoyance.   

But I wouldn't change a thing.  Ever.

"Vacation Highlight"

We're in Vegas, where fun is big and never-ending, even for kids.  I spent hours and hours researching places to visit for an article; "The Best Things To Do In Vegas For Kids."  

From the second we walked into our hotel, all my kids wanted to do was, "Can we go back to the hotel and play in the hallway?"

Every day they couldn't wait to go 'home' to the hotel.  Not to swim, not to rest, but to run, jump and roll on the crazy patterned perfectly flat plush carpet in the long wide hallway that seemed to exist forever. 

Talking to Dad (who had to work at home) they didn't mention Gregory Popovich's Animal Show, the MGM's New Baby Tigers or even the Gold Coasts' Live Shark Tank they got to tunnel through.  Nope.  It was all about the hotel hallway.

I couldn't even negotiate or threaten, "If you don't behave we won't go to Circus-Circus Adventuredome!"

They didn't care.  Their response, "Yea!  Let's go home!"

Next trip, my six year old suggested I write about 'Big Hallways.'

Hmm....

"Zen For Who?"

A family vacation without the husband sounds like a good idea...till hour 2, when I realize I can't chase after kid #3 and stop kid #1 from hurling his body from a chair into a pool at the same time.

All day long I was my own version of octo-woman, putting out fights, negotiating and answering questions like, "If I trip and fall and don't bleed and don't put ice on it...will I die?" 

"What?" I ask, insanely exhausted.

At the mall we stumble across, "Zen Zone..." a store full of water-massage machines and other gadgets to help you relax.  The store allows you to play and try everything they sell.  My kids are in touch-me-heaven as I run to take my youngest to the potty.

When I return, it's as if my older children were royalty; Each sat in a massage chair, their legs tucked into feet massagers as the woman running the store taught them both to use a luxury gadget I'd never saw before. 

How is this fair?  Wasn't it ME, the Mom who needed the massage tips and free bees?  (Last month my 6 year old went to a SPA birthday party.  SPA!  I’m six times her age and no one's ever put cucumbers on my eyes.)   (Well, I did...once...as I was cutting them for dinner)

Next thing I know the woman offered a two-for-one-discount to my kids to try the big water massage machines.  Kids?  What about ME?  This woman was obviously not a Mom or maybe my plastered 'happy-to-be-on-spring-break-alone-in-Vegas' face really worked on people.

Thankfully when the woman put my kids into the machines and taken my credit card, the foot machine was free for me to enjoy.  But then Roc disappeared and by the time I found him and slowed my heart rate back to a mild panic, two other women had stolen my spot.

I spent the rest of the time waiting for my kids' to finish their massage by blocking Roc from running back into the mall.  They were sweaty from happiness.  I was sweaty from stress.

I love going on vacation and then during my vacation find myself thinking, "Man, I need a vacation."

"Buffet benefits"

I'm off with three kids to Vegas, Laughlin and San Diego for some comedy shows. 

The kids are excited cause they get to eat anything they want at those massive 'all-you-can-eat' buffets.  I'm excited cause 1) it's free for kids under 12 years, 2) I don't have to hear, "Ugh...can you make me a P&J?" and 3) no dishes for me to clean.

(If you live in those areas and want to see me live (and free) (they don't charge you in casinos as they know you'll want to pay for other activities)) look up my schedule at http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Happy Easter"

I woke up and hide 21 eggs for my three kids.  Less than an hour later my kids were begging me to help them find the last three eggs.  

Hm...I couldn't find them either.  We brought in dad, the neighbors, the cousin from next door.  The three are still missing.

My husband pulled me aside, "What?  YOU hid them!  You aren't 80 yet!  Next year, will you please make a map?"

Sure....if I remember.

"Hate..."

Last night I left my family at Easter Vigil to bring home a sleeping child.

I turned on the movie, "Amish Grace," (cause I'm deftly curious how others live).  It was a sad movie with one unlikely theme; Forgiveness.

The main Amish dad said to his six year old daughter;   "Hate is a very big, very hungry thing with lots of sharp teeth and it will eat up your whole heart and leave no room left for love."

Wow.

A lesson I will forever remind my kids....and myself.

"March Madness"

My husband is a sports freak and is now trying to get the kids to join him. He loves watching anything where men chase a little ball.  It's thrilling...?

He dragged me to a Lakers game and later someone asked me, "Who won?"

I responded, “Who played?”

They laughed.

Why is that funny?  I don't care.  The teams go back and forth, back and forth for 2 hours….

You can watch the last 5 minutes and you’ve seen the whole game!

"Say What You Feel"

This was the conversation I had with my Mother-In-Law (visiting from PA) yesterday;
"We're going out for pizza for lunch, you want to come?"
"Oh, that sounds like fun.  Is everyone going?"
"Yes, me and all the kids...you wanna come with us?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother..."
"You won't be a bother, we'd love to have you."
"Well my knee still hurts from the fall."
"Okay, I'm leaving in 20 mins...I hope you come."

Ten minutes later after talking to my husband who said, "what is she going to do...sit home?":
M-I-L was still on the couch...
"You should come with us to lunch....it will be fun."
"Oh, I don't want to be trouble to anyone."
"You aren't trouble, we're eating lunch."
"Well, I don't think I'm going to go."
"Okay..."

Five minutes later I go to grab my keys and see she is standing by the door dressed and her purse is over her shoulder.  I was shocked, "Oh, you're coming!  Great, let's go!"

Why don't people just tell you what they really feel and think?  I don't like to guess and I don't like to beg.  Just be real and be honest. No one gets hurt and everyone lives a healthy, truthful life.

"She Fell"

My 83 year old Mother-in-law came in today from Philadelphia for two weeks.  My husband didn't give her a tour of our new house and it was dark.  Minutes after he left for a meeting, I walked into the hall and saw her sprawled out like a pretzel yelling at me, "I'm fine...don't touch me!  I can get up!" 

Yet there she was, I'm sure, for a good 10 minutes till I came along. 

I tried to help her but she is tall and I'm too little and wobbly myself to properly risk helping her. 

So after another 10 minutes of helplessly watching, offering lame limb assistance and holding in my laughter...I called my husband, "Your mom fell and can't get up"  (I felt like I was in that commercial, only I was muffling my laughter so long I couldn't breathe.) 

Course she continued to scream at me, "I'm fine!  I can get up!  Don't call him and make him come home to help me!"

Brad raced home, ran in, helped her up and left again. 

She was thankful to him but didn't say "Boo" to me, the real rescuer.

Now I'm on m-i-l 'step' watch patrol.

"The Theif Witness"

My littlest and I were walking into the grocery store, Vons, when a man and a woman ran past.  It looked like the man was trying to casually grab the woman's arm and I was compelled to watch.

What happened next made me freeze and my son burst into tears. The man grabbed the woman and threw her against the wall near the shopping carts.  She screamed, "Help!"   He yelled, "Call 911!"

Hmmm?  I couldn't tell what was going on till he flipped her to the ground and tried to handcuff her.

By then I already called the local city police ("the wrong city" I discovered when the police operator told me, then advised me to hang up and dial the right city.  What???  Aren't all police stations in connection???)

Bottom line that lady stole baby formula - 5 cans shoved into her mammoth purse.

Say it with me, "Aw..."

But she didn't steal it for her baby...no, she stole it to resell!   (Wow. That's pretty smart. and I guess in these hard times, people are getting creative.)

I only know this because the guy that bagged my groceries told me that this lady was caught at this same store, doing the same thing only 4 weeks earlier.   (now that's stupid).

Did you know stores hire guys to walk the isles pretending to shop?  One even had a hand-held mirror that he held up to see what was going on behind him!

Best part for me was telling my three year old who begged for candy trying to hide it under his shirt, "If you take that candy, that man will chase you and do what he just did to that lady.'

He put the candy back and is now telling everyone he knows how to you shouldn't take things from stores.

"Conversations"

Two conversations I had in one day today:

The Librarian said; "What's Chris's last name?"
I asked; "Chris who?"

My brother-in-law said, "He plays for the Cincinnati Bengals..."
I asked, "What city is that in?"

And you wonder who's the comic?  I would too.

"Sweet Child"

We were all walking on a boat dock after dinner with my sister-in-law and her family when her five-year-old son burst into tears.

Everyone stopped to figure out what happened.   What scared him?  Did he bite his tongue?   Which of the five cousins hurt or tripped him?

Nada.  The little man, Jeremy, or an 'old soul' as we like to call him, was crying because moments before we had passed an older looking dog on a leash that was sitting by himself next to the dock.  Jeremy was sad because he thought the dog was alone and had no one to love him.

Hearing what he was crying about, I almost cried.  At 5 this boy, this child is more sensitive than most of the adults I know and see every day.

If the world was more like Jeremy, caring and kind already at the young age of five, wouldn't we all be more better off....?

"Cheating"

It was yesterday that I found out Sandra Bullocks hubby cheated.  (I have three kids and a husband, news gets to me slowly)

I felt sick for her and Tigers wife and John Edwards wife.  I can't imagine.  How do you go on?  Do you accept a groveling, on-the-knees apology, or do you make them pay in other ways?  Revenge?  Physical pain?  Death?  How long do you wait to take them back if you are to take them back?  How do you ever even begin to trust them again?   Then do you ask for a future date 'hall pass"?

My husband and I were sitting on the couch facing each other one night talking about Tiger and that because he is so rich he feels entitled to do whatever he wants.  I then asked, "If we were that rich, would you cheat on me?"  There was this pause...one...two...three....

"BRAD!!!!" 

He said, "What?  I have to think about what I would do!"

The proper answer when anyone asks you if you'd cheat or not is, "Heck no!  NEVER!"

If you've seen my comedy act, you know how I really feel about cheating. 

If you haven't seen me...where have you been?

"Never Lie"

I teach my kids; "If you never lie, you'll never have to remember anything."
They tell me, "You can't remember anything ever."

"MiniVans Are For Smart People"

“Where’s your car?”

“Right there,” I pointed to my tan 7 passenger car.

There was a pause as my ‘hip’ writer friend ingested what she did not know; "You drive a minivan?  But you are a comic and you are so....cool.  Why are you driving a minivan?"

I know some girls (Moms) think a minivan makes them look....what....ah....mom-ish? 

While some moms care about their image and want the world to see them as 'cool, interesting and fabulous,' I do not.

Have you learned anything about me, yet?  I don't care what others think.  My life is all about comfort and ease.  And when my life is easy, I'm happy.  And when Mom is happy...everyone is happy.

One Mom actually said to me, “I look horrible in a minivan.” Truth be told, she looks horrible out of one too.  It's a car.  It's to drive.  Why would you care what you look like IN it?

The minivan bonuses I love; Good gas mileage, spacious leg room and a DVD player that comes with two fancy headsets so that Mom won’t go crazy listening to Barney just one more time.  AND 18 cup holders.  (Which no one uses except to hide various cars, candy or bugs. I use one back cup holder as a dirty diaper container. Cause when I forget to throw it away, I immediately know where the smell is coming from!)

My favorite minivan experience was escaping a ticket. I’m with my kids so often I forget when I'm alone. One time I drove solo in the car pool lane.  A motorcycle cop clearly saw me and shook his head as if he understood my life in a single second; no one buys a minivan unless they have kids, and if you have kids, you need a break.  He smiled, waved and drove off!  Looking ‘uncool’ does have benefits.

My minivan has made my life so much easier.  I’m able to enjoy it so much more. And that alone makes me cool.  Inside and out!

"The Soccer Motivator"

I have a lazy daughter.  Okay, she's not lazy.  She just won't play soccer like my brain telepathically begs her to from the sidelines.  To her "soccer" means: chasing butterflies, finding flowers and avoiding gopher holes that might house a real gopher.

So I finally told her, my little Meg, I’d give her a quarter every time she kicked the ball.
 
It didn’t work.

I then told her I’d get her ice cream if she kicked the ball 5 times.

That didn't work either.

One day while cleaning out the garage and Meg discovered the huge box of toys I was donating to Good Will.  Even though she didn't even play with these toys anymore, she was so upset she wanted to keep them all.

Hmmm...I finally had a decent bargaining tool.  So I told her, "Do well at your game Saturday and can keep whatever you want."

At Saturdays game, they lost.  Immediately Meg ran up to me and in front of all the other parents shouted, “Mom!  Do I still get to keep my toys????”

Days later people are still talking about the 'cruel Mother.'

Oh well.  No "Mother of the Year" this year.

"Little Ethiopia"

I did a comedy show at this restaurant, LITTLE ETHIOPIA.  A restaurant?  Showcasing food in Ethiopia?  Aren’t people starving there?  Their food obviously doesn’t work.

"The Baseball Picture"

Yesterday my ten year old's amazingly ethical, conscientious baseball coach showed his team a photo from our local newspaper of an older kid pitching the perfect pitch. The coach held the folded in half page in his hand as he slowly passed it in front of all the boys’ eyes.


Unfortunately the coach failed to notice what was on the folded-over side. The side the boys eyes saw as the photo passed by. One read it out loud, "Local Doctors Restore Man's S** Life."

The giggles started, even jokes that this was the lesson they were really to learn about today.

The coach was embarrassed and to the parents that witnessed this innocent mishap, he couldn't stop apologizing.

As a comic....I couldn't stop laughing.

When life throws you these funny moments, stop judging, just open your heart and laugh. (You'll live longer.)

"The Parade..."

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't want to walk. I want to watch."

I always thought walking in a parade would be cool. I never did it...but people in parades always look happy. But in the end were the sad they didn't actually get to see the parade? My ten year old has been asked to be in our local one every year. Every year it's, "Nope...if I'm in it, I can't see it." (or catch the candy that comes flying by. He seriously has no idea who or what walks by..unless they are hold a bag of candy....then he remembers even their outfits.)

"The Silent War"

In just over a week I now know three people that have died of cancer.  43, 72 and now 46.  Cancer is like a silent war that comes and steals a life forever.  The whole thing makes me want to move to Idaho and run with my husband and kids.  Remembering every day is not to be taken for granted. 

Today in California it is sunny and warm.  As my kids complain they are hot.  I'm just happy they are healthy and I get to hug them.

"God Bless America"

This is my little guy Roc, he is three.  Recently my husband, video in hand, caught him singing "God Bless America" as he spun in a chair. 

It's both patriotic and hilarious.  He kinda knows the words but you'd never know it by the way he is singing. 

Enjoy!

I'm trying to get the image to be clicked to see the song and it's not working....so try this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIdqOJk62xQ

"My Beloved Prius"

Okay.  I get it.  For the first time since we bought our Toyota Prius (only to get the solo-driver car-pool-pass before they ran out) in 2006, I was nervous.  I had climbed behind the wheel with my kids in the back and hesitated before I pushed that cool button to start the hybrid car.

What if it suddenly excelled forward?  What if my car sped out of control?  What if I made a mistake, got into an accident and claim "The car did it!"?  My   Scary.  Very Scary.  Hmmm...

I'm not saying these drivers are all lying, but these car makers don't keep reinventing the wheel with car their technology.  They are all cars....they share their stuff...or it gets stolen from other car makers sooner or later.  Which leads me to believe that Toyota can't be the only one with these problems.  Which makes me think since we are trying to promote to "buy American."  Why not accentuate the company that is not?

(I'm still not letting my kids drive in that Prius anymore.)

"Choosing Battles"

There are those that actually care how they look in the morning because they think others will judge them.  I am not one of them.  As my husband would say, "You don't care what others think do you?"  No.  I'm not perfect in any way, but I do know my inside is more beautiful than I could ever try to match on the outside.

This world is not a beauty contest and if I'm leasurly dropping my kids off at school, wearing oversized old blue sweats and a unmatching green baseball hat with a few holes doesn't faze me one bit.  

Same goes for my kids.  When my six year old girl wants to wear that red sweater and blue shorts cause she think she look amazing...fantastic!  "White tights and sandals are the new style," she tells me....great!  I don't care what my kids wear; unless we're going to church.  Then I pick. 

Hair?  If someone won't let me brush their hair....oh well.  I don't.  Moms have to choose their battles and that's one I'm not challenging.  If someone comments or judges me...so what?   It's my life and my family.  My daughter will still go to college if she had messy hair in grammar school.  But if I repeat, argue or nag at her for 20 minutes, my throat may hurt and she, as well as my other kids, all go to school a bit rattled because of ....hair?

This morning in my blue sweats and grey hat I noticed a raggly-looking head of hair walking to school.  I looked up at the Mom of four and joked about her child, "I love her hair!"  She said, "I have to choose my battles and that's one I don't really care about."

YEAH!!!  See?  I knew I wasn't alone!

“The House Reader”

She was shy.

Not a self-promoter, she was quiet.

Yet, I was drawn to her, compelled to make conversation, soon realizing I was talking to a gifted genius.

Enter Mary Beth Strait. An amazing woman full of insight and knowledge to a world few of us are or will be able to see. Secretly known to a few select realtors as their “lucky charm,” Mary Beth Strait goes beyond basic home staging and offers personal house readings and space clearings to help enable people to live their best life.

To Mary Beth, being able to living your best life comes from the energy in your home. She has successfully helped troubled couples fix and recognize how their own home is hurting their relationship. In the case of children, one mom had been taking her child to a therapist but Mary Beth uncovered the real problem in a single visit to their home. She has also staged un-moving homes into sold within days.

Happily married with a child of her own, Mary Beth was born in Pennsylvania and grew up in Visalia, CA and is the first person to admit that what she does can seem kind of wacky. But true testimony comes from her clients’ affirmations, whose mouths drop as Mary Beth guides and instructs them through what she sees in their home.

After over 400 consultations, Mary Beth can, within seconds, intuitively feel the energy of a home, even when it is empty. Keeping her readings practical, she will only share or go as deep as clients want her to go.

Every consultation is different and her stories of success are endless involving: Marriage, jobs, kids, pregnancy and house sales, leaving some realtors after working with her to have their most profitable month ever.

Think it’s all hoggy washy? So did I. Till I invited Mary Beth to do a reading at my home; Humble, careful, thoughtful and aware, she walked through my house as if she’d known my husband and I all our lives. Her suggestions blew me away and my jar dropped several times. I am now her biggest fan.

Still skeptical? Try her. Then email me about your jaw pain from hitting the floor. Just to note…when the TV world finds her, her price will go up big time. Get her now.

www.marybethstrait.com or info@marybethstrait.com

"UP!" A Review

See the movie "Up."

My favorite part of the movie is the first 15 minutes...and the part where he discovers her "adventure book" where she is going to fill the pages full of their married life adventures.  He thinks it's empty because they never traveled anywhere...and at the end of the movie he opens the book to find his wife had filled the book with dozens of photos of their life together.  Wow.  What a GREAT movie.  My kids beg to watch it just to see Mom cry...Specially when their friends come over.  I'm the entertainment.  Cause even if I'm walking by or see ten seconds of the movie, I remember the whole story and tears pour out.  My kids just laugh.  One day they'll get it.

"The Couch Days"

Don't ever ask me what I'm doing on these two days:
 
Academy Award Day:
Dressed in sweats and fuzzy socks I plop on my couch about 5pm with a bowl of popcorn and a coke filled to the top with ice and watch the events preceding and after.  Why don't I get dressed up and go to the events to watch with others?  Cause it's always way too loud...there's too much talking...(me).   It's just best to watch it at home.  So if I ever invite you over to watch it here with me....shhh.

9/11:
I spend the day remembering how lucky I am to have three kids (as crazy as they drive me) and a husband that's pretty amazing.  We play games, we watch movies, we just 'be' together.  Then at some point I tell my kids about the infamous day I still can't believe happened in our country to our people, and then at a different point I always cry, to which my oldest will run get a tissue and then roll his eyes while he giggles.  They are too young to understand, but with any luck and a good memory, as they grow older, they will learn to appreciate how fortunate they are to be American.
Not sure why 9/11 is not a national holiday yet.  Seems like it should be...but maybe no one wants to give more satisfaction to the people that did it.  Anyone know?

"Today Is The Day"

Next Thursday I was flying to New Mexico to help my dear friend, Elaine McPherson, with Chemo treatments.  Yesterday I found out I would no longer be going.   Elaine died yesterday.  She was 40 something (she refused to tell me when I met her twenty years ago.)

I've been sad and will be sad but it just confirms one thing...LIFE IS SHORT.  Don't wait to do stuff or tell people you love them or think they are wonderful.....tell them now.  Do things now.  Tomorrow...who knows?

So go, get out there.  Live.

"She Looks Good..."

"Did you see Stacey?  She looks great!"
"Um....then why are you tell ME?"

If you think someone looks good.  Tell THEM.  Chances are they don't know anyone notices.  If you think someone looks fantastic, TELL THEM.  Guy, girl, doggy....a checkout lady at the mall (I promise, they won't think you are gay...unless you are.) 

If everyone went around telling people how much they liked them, appreciated them or that they looked good.........my kids would stop thinking I'm nuts.

Not Invited

"Mom, I wasn't invited to his birthday party."
My first reaction; "Someone needs a hug."
My second reaction: "Where can I run and hide my kid to shield him from the pain I know he is having."
Six minutes later, he is laughing, talking about b-b guns, bullets and other moms allowing their kids to carry weapons and shoot small scrappy rodents.
Hmm...can we go back to not being invited to the party?

"Lunches"

Three kids, three different meals.....one crazy mom.

"Slum Mom"

It was a cold, rainy morning when a Mom at my youngest child's preschool looked me up and down before blurting, "Why do you dress like that?"

My eyes darted around the room.  Who was she talking to?  This Mom could be Ms Perfect; At 7:40am, she has brushed hair, pretty make-up, and matching clothes.  She continued to speak as I figured out it was me she was talking to.

"I see you go to the gym every day.  You work hard!  Show it off.  Like me!"  The attractive Mom did a leap and a pose all at once.  I and everyone in the preschool laid eyes on her fabulous tennis outfit.

I was starting to go into my explaination of why I wore extra long baggy shorts (with the words "laugh your a** off" printed on the butt), a t-shirt that hung below my oversized sweatshirt and a baseball cap, but before I could speak she was already gone.

Truth is, I like looking like crap when I go to the gym.  Who am I looking good for?  Me?  Hahaha. 
If I look good all the time, when I really try, it would be old hat.  If I look horrible all of the time, when I look good....even I pause at them mirror, "Who is that?"

The bigger truth, and Oprah and her best dressed people will hate me for saying this, but as long as there isn't spinach in my teeth or a bugger hanging out my nose, I don't really care what I look like....if I wasn't so modest I'd take a photo of what I look like now!  

Bird House

The husband, Brad, barely able to open his eyes from a shameless night of drinking and dancing with his wife (me) took the kids to get food for their frog and came home with THREE birds.

Brad's only comment, “It was the only way to stop the nagging.”

Hmmm…..should've paid the kids to nag "Mommy needs a bigger diamond!  Mommy needs a bigger diamond!"

The Best Birthday

I was poked awake and asked, "Happy Birthday.  Um, can we move your birthday celebration to next month?"

Seemed like a good idea since I didn't feel like celebrating or feel ready to accept I'm another year older.
That was fine.
Fine.
Let's celebrate next month.

The few friends I called to invite for a celebratory bagel all had busy mornings and wanted to move my birthday celebration to a day when they were 'more free.'
That was fine.
Fine.
We'll celebrate next month, too.

My Mom forgot to call.
That was fine.
Fine. 
When she calls and apologizes, I will tell my birthday has been moved and she should call then.

Feeling a bit sad but still happy God has allowed me to live without too many wrinkles, I sucked it up, and tried to make my own fun by just inviting some other 'Moms' to join me for a bagel (keeping the bday thing hush-hush).  

As the Moms and I walked into the bagel shop three other girls jumped up from a table and started singing "Happy Birthday."  I almost feel over.   These girls were new friends.  Kind, wonderful, happy friends that had been calling me for an hour telling me to meet them at the bagel place.  I almost cried...of happiness and sheer embarrassment.   (I love the attention of being onstage doing comedy.  But when it comes to my day to day life, I like to hide.) 

These new friends were so happy to help me celebrate, starting with a bagel that one of them tried to buy for me, but spoke loud enough that the bagel shop owner bought my bagel and sent me over another chocolate thingee just to be nice.  I almost cried again.  How incredibly nice of a stranger???

These "new" girls are so amazing, they make me want to be like them.  They believe in celebrating anything and doing it often...even right now.  I love that.  They even met me again later in the day with a cake and ice cream.   I almost cried again. 

I once heard a lady say, "I'm not going to that event...I already have way too many friends."

Never, ever feel that way.  Each and every friend is speical in their own relationship with you.  I am always open to meeting and making more friends.  Specially as the older I get, the quicker I recognize who the really good people are...and there are so many, you just need to find them.   And once you find them, tell them and don't let them go!


Thank you to all the "CEO" face book people and fans that sent me bday emails and cards to my home.  I adore you all.

"Mommy Money"

I am tired of begging.  I'm tired of yelling.  I'm just tired.

I can be motivated by cash....and well....so can kids.  My kids. 

Enter the Mommy Dollar.  Recognize anyone?  Yeah, that's me.  Smirky huh?

We have daily chores and expected behaviors that earn Mommy Money or get them taken away.  (oh the tears!)  Then the dollars can be used for buying things...time on tv, time on the wii, or playing a game of their choice with Mom without other sibblings. 

Dad was mad it wasn't his face on the Daddy Dollar, but, really, when is he home to dole out the cash for a job well done.  Actually the dollars are only given out once a week at our family meeting (the only thing I am actually organized about) when we discuss the details of why they were given and/or taken away.

Mommy Money is great fun - make your own at http://www.festisite.com/money/.  But be careful....think ahead how you will feel when you discover your three year old thinks Mommy looks better with a black ink moustache.  Hmmm....

http://www.festisite.com/money/

"Every Day is a Gift"

 This morning after discovering a dear friend has incurable brain cancer I tearfully told my kids, "Remember, every day is a gift."
My six year old Meg said, "Where's MY present?"

"School Birthday"

As I walked into my youngest kids' classroom, I noticed all the little tables were covered in cute mini bowls of various candies and fruit and a smiling Mom ran around flipping pancakes and serving them onto teeny tiny plastes.  I'm sure my mouth dropped as I realized, this "Mom-Incredible" brought her own electric pan...from home...out of her cupboard...into her car, and drove it to the pre-school to make 22 three-year-olds gourmet pancakes.  

I dug back deep into my memory bank?  Did I ever go to such lengths to celebrate any of my kids birthday's.... at school...or hmmmm...even at home?  

This no-notice birthday celebration was better than those we get mailed invitations for...and we didn't have to bring a gift.

Looking over this Mom's spread of energy and care I had two thougths;
1) Am I jealous that I could try harder to be the SuperMom everyone else is?
2) Am I just so happy I have a kid in HER kids class?
Yes, you are right. 
#2....Martha Jr. I am not.   But I am insanely grateful to be included (or just there) when someone else goes the extra mile...or four.

Dare Devil Mom

As I watch my kids try to launch themselves off a bike ramp, I realize they get their advernturesome from me.  Then again, I think I'm a Dare Devil when I press snooze on the alarm clock.

Do you Buy a Sink Grate?

Just a sink thought: Everyone always said that I needed to buy one of those sink protectors in your new sink...it's like a giant metal grate. I think they call them Sink Grates. I didn't get one and every day i go to do the dishes I am so happy when the dishes are out and the sink is completely clean. When I've been to other homes and set something on that metal grate 'protecting' their sink, the whole thing just looks dirty and messy. Sure the sink below will be perfect in 10 years, but who wants to be cleaning and messing with that disgusting grate where food and gunk catches in it and your end up scrubbing the nooks and crannys in the GRATE to get IT clean. Yuck. I'm quite happy that I save my money and blew off those sink grates. My sink has scrates, but who cares, it's a sink for god's sake, it's supposed to look like a sink...and not like some silver platter I'm showing off. I live here.  By the way....the only thing I ever show off are my TEETH.  Cause I brush them and so love to smile.

Happy Tuesday...oh, wait...is today Wednesday?  Hmm

"The Tooth of a Smart Girl"

This was the letter I had to write to my daughter's kindergarten teacher, Mrs Bell, after my conversation with my six year old.


Dear Mrs. Bell
As you know, Meg lost her tooth at school today. She didn't bring it home cause, "it was somewhere special.." Where? "I'm not telling!" Okay. Later I got it out of her, she put it in the SHARE box.

I asked, "Was it in a bag?"

"Nope, I just put it on my paper about our family broken bones."

"Did you tape it to the paper?"

"MOM! I told you I put it ON the paper!"

"Yes, but did you secure it somehow? Mrs. Bell won't know it's there and when she picks up the paper, that teeny, tiny tooth will go flying and could hurt somebody."

"Mrs. Bell always picks up paper very gently and slowly!"

"Okay, but did you TELL Mrs. Bell you put your tooth there?"

"She'll SEE it when she picks up my paper!!  Dah!"

It's so weird to think I have a little girl that can say things like 'Dah?'  I can't explain to her.  Meg is her own girl.  The tooth fairy will wait for her to find it and if it's gone, there will be tears but I'll tell her the fairy will know she lost a tooth cause there's a gap when she smiles.  Then one day she'll know how much I lied to her.  Nice.

"The Baby Shower..."

The party of 28 women were to arrive at 11:30am.  The husband promised he'd be OUT of the house with all three children at 9...then 9:30...then 10....

At 10:10am the unshowered, still in sweat pants husband was sitting on the couch watching some sport thing, drinking coffee and reading the paper.  The three children, two of whom were naked...one still in jamies, were running around yanking out what I already put away.  Without nagging, yet continuing to clean, make food, prepare gifts and organize games for the BabyShower, I kindly kept reminding the husband it was past time for him to take the kiddies and leave...

10:20am the husband complained why I was having a baby shower on a sunday when sports are on....instead of.....when?  He never answered that.

10:25am the husband began to move his body and still unshowered got himself and our kids ready.
10:58am the husband was out the door with all three kids and I quickly began the mad dash to clean to get the house ready for guests.

11:25am:  As the guests began to arrive I wipe sweat from my forehead and opened my arms to a beautiful day of being at home and hanging, talking and communicating with girls I love without making a peanut butter sandwich, breaking up a fight about who called who 'stupid' or re-explaining why our planet is on an axis and spins without making us dizzy.

Ahhhh....
How was your day?  Did you get girl-time this weekend?

Whose Kid is this?

I often wonder who's child is living in my house.  He looks like me, he looks like my husband but his behavior is so devient, I'm left wondering if there was a swap in the hospital.

In the past 24 hours...

Roc took a highlighter to new carpet, drawing a long line where the desk should go.

Roc took off all his clothes while buckled in his car seat with my kids and their friends went hysterical.

Roc dumped a full (brand new $21.99) bottle of Paul Mitchell hair spray on the pourch, then capped it perfectly and put it back.

Roc took the pregnant hampster out of her cage and put her on a table so he "could have both hands to get the other one."  Where was the one he left behind?  Roc looked left to right, "Oh...ummmm...I don't know...I lost her," he mumbled as he walked out of the room.

Roc keeps turning on my car lights causing my car to die.  Over the past three days, my car has died three times.  One time was in line at a funeral.  Another in line at school car pool.  The other time I had to have it towed to the shop where I was told, "Someone left a light on in the back."

Roc is now causing me money and friendships....to rely on others for help moving my car, jumping my car, picking up stranded children, even children that aren't mine and buying new hair spray.

Did I mention Roc is three?

Hold on...I hear screaming ---

The Gay Idol

Adam Lambert has to be the most successful thing to come out of American Idol. The fact that he is gay is just hilarious, specially when I can't stop drooling whenever I see him on TV. His debut on Oprah today was just icing as women around the world shuddered to his flawless vocals....okay maybe just me.

"Dumpster Nurseries"

I love silly comedy.   Specially if it's based on reality.  This latest video stars me as the Mom.  Watch:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr0IK_8gDdg

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

Earthquake Ready Mom?

After living through the 1994 Los Angeles earthquake and believing I was going to die, I run out when I feel an earthquake.  People say, "Don't run out of a building, get under furniture..." I say, "Look at Haiti and get out!"

This past August I was living in an old 1950 apartment while our remodel was being finished.  I was standing near the door, my three kids all within 20 feet from me; on the couch, in the bathroom and laying on a bed reading when I felt the familiar feeling in my bones as the earthquake began to shake our first floor unit.  Inches from the knob to our front door, I slowly put my hands on a bookshelf as the shaking started shouting as loud as I could, "It's an earthquake...GET OUT!"

I then reached for the knob, turned it and ran out away from the building.  My five year old daughter, Meg was at my heels, my other two...?  Where were they?  I stood on the driveway, safe from anything falling shouting, "Ty!  Roc!!  Get out!!"  Nothing. 

When the shaking stopped, I went back in to see my three year old Roc in a bundle still on the couch and Ty standing in the bedroom doorway shocked asking, "Where did you go?"

I answered, "Ah....I was...um...I went out there."  I pointed to the driveway.

Ty, "You left us?"

I was embarrassed.  I failed. 

I was sick.  Did I really leave my other two kids?  How could I do that?  What horrible mother was I?  Friends told stories of how they dashed up stairs to collect all their kids...threw their bodies on top of children on a bed....and I left mine all behind in a building. 

I tried to re-imagine the event in my head, trying to re-do the event and imagine myself staying.  Ha!  Each time, even my imagination won't let me.  I'm always leaving.  I imagine a fire; I know I'd run though flames, I'd crawl through smoke.  I imagine a gunman; I know I'd offer my life first.  But an earthquake?  I'm out.  My brain won't let me change my internal programming: Every man for himself.

Then I realized, "Wait...if our building fell down, who would be out here directing the firemen on where to find my kids alive?  If I stayed inside with my kids and the building fell, we could all perish.   See?  I didn't do a bad thing leaving, I did a good thing."

Ty rolled his eyes, "Whatever.  All I know is you left us."

Yes.  Okay.  Now that we know this....we need to prepare.  We know Mom won't be here for you if the earth starts shaking.  Your job?  Get out.  Fast and safe.  We now have drills on where to run depending on what room you are in when a quake hits.  (I say 'when,' because one is always coming, this is Los Angeles, we just don't know when.)  My kids just go through the motions as I kick their bed back and forth pretending I'm the earthquake.  They sometimes even laugh, but the bottom line is that their minds have stored this information on what to do, so that when it happens they will find that rolodex card in their brain and react properly.

No 'Mommy of the Year' award this year.

Freezing in LA

Today in LA temperatures were so cold....people were forced to wear long pants and shoes.

Stupid people...

My downfall in life is I hate stupid people.  Today I spoke to a lady about my account and that there was a seven dollar negative charge on my account.  I wanted to know why?  Her response, "You have 17,000 in your account."
"Yes, but why is there a negative 7 dollars...?"
She sighs, "I don't know...my computer doesn't go back very far."

How do you think I should answer her? 
1) Oh, I'm sorry, let me see if I can get you new computers?
2) Oh well...I guess 17K is enough money to worry why you deducted me 7.
3) Hmmm.  I am your customer, I've been one for 12 years, just tell me, "I'm sorry this happened to you, let me figure out what is going on?"

I actually said #1 to which she responded, "Really?  We need new computers so bad....can you get Apple?"

ugh.

Just Sunday...

If you have a 4th grader and you live in CA, you know about the Mission project...making a model and writing a detailed sheet are 2 requirements from your 10 year old.  Or 2 requirements from YOU.  They can't do it w/o mom or dad's help....hence the reason I say, "ugh..."  Another reason to argue and denouce 100 times, 'this is your project, I'm not the one in 4th grade."  But it won't matter, it will be me who hand holds him through the whole thing while I sit and wonder, "What did he really learn from this project, but the fact that....his Mom loves him and is always here to help..."
Nice.

The best part of the night was my Meatballs.  YUM.  They aren't really MY meatballs...they come from this lady, "the pioneer woman" and her amazingly delicious web site.  http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/03/bbq-meatballs-comfort-food-to-the-max/

My sister stood in line for 2 hours to see this "pioneer woman" and when she told me this I immediately assumed she meant "Sarah Palin!"  We spoke about this 'pioneer woman' with me getting a giggle as I couldn't believe my sister, a democrat liked Sarah Palin and would stand in line to buy her book and meet her!!   We texted for an hour.  Then she sends me the photo of her and this "pioneer woman."

What? 

Who is this woman?  Where is Sarah Palin? 

I soon learned all about this Pioneer woman, her web site and her amazing family and food.  Ha!  Not sure if I'd stand in line for 2 hours to see her though...

"Phone?"

Stop giving out your home phone as contact information. Who sits there waiting for calls?  When we get a call on our landline phone, we don't even answer it.  Cause we know, if someone wants or needs us, they know to call our cell phone.  Whoever is calling our home line is lost or clueless.

Help Me

It's the holidays.  I love them but they make me crazy.  To be glued to a second-by-second schedule is to be a slave to paper.  This past September I bought a book to help me called, "Why am I so busy?  A 28 day plan to take back your life."
It's been 4 months and I'm too busy to read it.
Oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone...

Yes it's true, I woke up this am with some weird horrible pain on my thigh.  Someone once told me the older you get the more you see people (as well as yourself) begin to fall apart.  Lovely.  So at 40, my leg is falling off or I at least want it to right now.  Best part is, while I sit on the couch in pain, my husband gets to run around by himself getting all three kids ready for our hour drive to thanksgiving dinner at a pals house. 
He is soo happy. 
I keep reminding him, "Aren't you thankful for me?" 
He is beyond capable of laughing and gives me this grimm'ache' face...
"What?" I say, "At least I'm able to bark orders from the couch."

Thankful?   I'm thankful for my family, my dear friends in a town where we have 0 family, and for those amazing wonderful friends that live everywhere else but here.  I miss you all and hope you have much love in your hearts today.  If you give it, it comes back.  If you give it and they just take it, sock them.

Scammers...got little ole me?

Beware:...and don't tell you I didn't warn you.  Stay away from anything with the company Liberty Names of America.  They'll offer to register your website and when you say no, they'll take it anyway.  Nice huh?  Call to complain, they don't answer.  Run, hide, burn anything with their name on it.  I don't know how these people sleep at night, how they live with themselves or even look in the mirror.  I searched the internet and I'm not alone.  They tried to steal my website 5 years ago, took money from me and now that I figured out their scam, they won't talk to me.  Haha.  Great company.  At least I feel better knowing people who hurt people don't sleep well at night....I'm hoping anyway.  Cause not sleeping well at night is torture.  Ask any mom with a newborn baby.

Cell Phone Stupid

My nine year old can play games, change tones and even text a joke to a pizza place in China.  He tells me, "Mom, read your manual!"  Read my manual?  Who has the time?  If my manual could make dinner for five, I'd read my manual.  If my manual could vacuum my home up and down, I'd read my manual.  If my phone could blow my husband....I'd buy five more phones.

In one month I ruined 3 new phones:  The first I dropped as I was shutting my car door.  I only noticed cause I couldn't find my phone, I got out of the car thinking I dropped it on the ground, but I found it  crushed in between the door and the car.  I had owed my new phone 5 hours.  The second I dropped into my cup holder forgetting the cupholder was already holding a full glass of 7up!  The third, I was chatting to the bank while doing dishes.  I dropped it into a blender filled with water.

T-mobile loves me!
I bought 2 phones that month. Then the guy at the phone store said, “If it every gets wet, open it all up, blow it air dry in all the crevices and let it dry for 2 days. THEN it will be fine.

After I dropped it into the sink I did that and my 3rd phone of the month worked!!!!

"Don't Say Fuck...."

Roc was singing that “Jesus loves me” song over and over.
Suddenly he stopped and said slowly like he was teaching us what he learned and what he knows,
“We don’t hit people….in the face… in the whole wide world…..”
I sid, “Yes that’s right.”
Roc says, “No one is stupid……and we don’t say, “fuck.” “

"He Swallowed It..."

Meg’s third tooth fell out while we were vacationing in Kauai and we brought it home. She wouldn’t give it to the tooth fairy till she brought it to school for show and tell. So when we got back, we packed it up and waited till Thurs for her day to present it to her KG class. That night she brought it home and it was in a mini baggie with her story of how it fell out and it was sitting on the coffee table as myself, Ty, Meg and Roc were seated around it.

Suddenly Meg says, “Where’s my tooth?”

Then to Roc, “Roc, you were holding it, where did you put it?”

Roc’s put his hands out, palms up and dropped his mouth as if to say, “I have no idea.”

Soon after I was directly asking where he put it, he says, “I swallowed it.”

Ty starts laughing and I slowly kept asking questions, “Where is it now?”

Roc says, “It’s in my tummy.”

Thankfully probably because Ty was trying to control his laughter, Meg saw him and she started to giggle.

Later when Meg went to bed and was going to bed w/o her tooth for the tooth fairy, Roc said, “Meggy, I’ll poop it out for you, okay?”

"Get Me Out!"

At that moment you are checking out of the grocery store, you have aprox 2.3 seconds to scan the lines and the cashiers manning them to know which is the fastest line to pick.

Lines with men cashiers always go much faster than cashiers with chicks.  Girls can't lift as much or as fast and have the tendency to ask the opportunity for more wasted time, "And how is your day?"

Men are strong, lifting soda pop cases and gallons of milk as if they were feathers, and blow through each customer as they would a simple task; get out, get out, get out.

Call me sexist, but to find the fastest check-out line you must look for the following:
1) Carts filled with just a few items. (Over stuffed carts take hours)
2) Shoppers without children.  (That battle for that one piece of candy the kid took of the eye level display is worth at least 4-6 minutes of time that you could have been out of the store!)
3) Shoppers holding no paper in their hands.  (I'm all for saving money but when I need to go, a lady with a handful of coupons or daily store ads just means trouble - get out of her line)
4) Men Cashiers (see above)
5)  Shoppers who look like they have someplace to go.   (The older man shopping at 2pm has no plans for the rest of the day and could start a converation with your male cashier about the price of cookies and you'll be stuck)

Let's review...
Pick the line with:
Carts with less items, No kids, No coupons, Men at the lead, and rushed shoppers!

Hope this helps make shopping go quick so you can get home ..... to do other chores that just never seem to go away.

“Alive”


I was stopped at a light enjoying the five minutes of peace without any children.

As I slowly looked to my right, a dark haired man stared back at me from the next car.

The handsome man was waving at me as if I was in a dream and he was the one snapping me out of it.

He smiled.

I smiled.  Did I smile?

He rolled down the window of his very nice car.

I rolled down the window to my old, dirty I'm-a-mom-mini-van.  Were we going to talk?

The beautiful stranger with exotic skin and perfect white teeth spoke, “Are you going left or straight?”

The comic in me fought to hold the first honest words that came to my mind, “I’m going wherever you are.”

Instead I realized my blinker wasn’t on and this man was only concerned about getting around me.

“Oh, I’m straight,” I said before adding quickly, “I mean I’m going straight.”

I laughed as I tried to hide my embarrassment.

The stranger laughed back, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I no longer needed a car.  I floated home.

Me, the happily married 40ish lady driving a mom-mobile with three fully visible car seats, had a young man in a hot car flirting with me. ME. On a day where I'm un-showered, un-makeduped, wearing flip-flops and a maternity bra, not cause I’m pregnant but cause it’s the only bra I have with it's elastic still intact.

Yes ladies, there is a God.  Or a lovely guardian angel reminding me I may be a Mom, but I’m still alive.

"She Does Trash?"


I walked out to my car and my petite neighbor was dragging her garbege cans to the curb.
I teased her, "Isn't your husband supposed to do that?"
She smiled back to me, "Yes, but Laurie, he won't do it. He says, "Just hire someone!"
I said, "That's not fair."
She said, "Well, it's a fair trade, he never asks questions when I spend $20,000 on jewlery for myself."
I said, "Can I take out your garbege?"

"Can a Demon be five?"

Her eyes gloss over, her back arches and I think I hear her hissing.

Every morning (no, I'm not exaggerating) my five year old daughter behaves so horrible, so odd, so out of character from who she is during the rest of the day, I want to ask her, "Did you sleep with Satan?"

Instead I dream of calling that Nanny TV show where they send out the lady with the british accent (I want one of those) who will fix my daughter and get our lives back to normal. but then I'd have to be on TV as one of the 'bad' moms that everyone judges and decides she's the point of the problem. NO. I won't be calling Nanny lady.

Where did I go wrong? How did I end up with a child that whines instead of speaks. Her younger brother will talk his way through any upset moment, yet princess Meg, will yell, "Ahnn!" and point. Lines like, "Hellen Keller, knock it off!" never get a laugh from my under age nine audience. So I resort to sending her to "quiet time" in the garage where we keep an abundance of smelly lizards and fish, my son calls 'pets,' so she can feed them, take a breath and relax. It works....for like three minutes, then she's back to hissing.

Then again, from what I heard about the teen years, I'll take the hissing any day.

"Barf...not a song"

I heard it from my sleep. "Blah." While I prayed it was a dream, my eyes were still closed as I also debated with myself if I had enough time to run to the kitchen, grab a bucket, bowl or other deep item and get back to my 3 year old before the 2nd wave of barf came. Before my thought was completed, it was too late. I not only heard the second heave, but smelled it too.

Then the crying...as my mind hesitates what to do first?
1) Comfort the crying vomit covered child and risk having vomit on my person?
2) Hold child at a distance, de-robe him and shout for husband who'll pretend he's still asleep?
3) Turn the lights on, hoping its just liquid and not that bad so then I could cover it and go back to bed?

Well...I did none of those. Instead, I threw a towel on my shoulder, picked up my son, who turned three on this very day, and played witness to the vomit: In his hair, under his neck, on the blanket, the wall, the cat (who was already bathing herself, by the way).

Why does vomit never look like what it was when it went in? If I dare to look (and I don't, cause I will get sick as well) why does it always look like Feta?

The husband cleaned up (I offered sex for assistance) and I took my baby in the shower where I hugged him as only a mother could do when the vomit is gone.

Then he threw up on me.

"Cub Scouts are hard!"

Cub Scouts?  Complicated and confusing…I’ve been behind since my 9 year old started two years ago. 

He’s crying weekly cause, “YOU’RE the only mom who doesn’t know what’s going on!!!”
I’m like, “you spend 2 hours at these meetings – how come YOU don’t know either?”

It’s sooo confusing and they explain nothing to the parents.  Or send books of emails that overwhelm me so I just delete them hoping someone will just tell me what's up.  Then I hear, “Well you have to read the handbook…”

Whare?  Where?  When?!?   I have three kids, a remodel and a husband that has to work 80 hours a day. If I'm going to read anything it will be my People magazine, I'm backed up since October of '07. And why do “I” have to read it???  My son is in the group, not me.  He should read it!

That's why sports are good.  NO reading for Mom, just watch-out for fly balls and cheer when everyone else does!

"The Happy Day"


The other day Ty was sad from some mean kids and school and you overheard us…and Meg said, “NO! Ty can’t be sad….Today is happy Day!” I said, “he’s sad about something from school.” Meg said, “He CAN’T be sad today, today is happy day!” Meg was adamant and silent for 2 seconds before she said, “My teacher said so!” Then a pause and then, “It was ON the calendar!”

Yesterday my car started shaking (my brand new 8 month old sienna, a $45,000 car) and all the lights on the dashboard started flashing like a blinking xmas tree. Took it in (after arguing with the guy who said he couldn’t see me till Monday but that I could rent a car from them) and they saw me right away and gave me a rental for free. A bit later they called to tell me that my car was infested with RATS. Yeah, rats. They built a home under my engine and ate all the padding out of the engine and about 30 wires. They said I was lucky the car didn’t start fire and kill me or us.
While I was on the phone with Toyota Roc was running and fell smashing his lip into a piece of his T-ball set he was holding in his mouth (lovely), while I was dealing with that and avoiding hanging up with Toyota, Brad walks in and says, “Where’s Ty’s basketball uniform, he has photos in 15 minuts.” They were in the wash – WET. Needless to say, we all went to the basketball photos in Brad Prius, while Roc bled and Ty had to wear wet clothes. Oh well.

I ran back to my car to get a pen, stepped out of my passenger door, shut it and stepped into an afternoon that left me helpless and embarrassed. I was at an audition for...something...and when I was done I went to my car, reached for my keys and they were gone. Retracing my steps I tried not to panic. That HAD to be somewhere. I checked the bathroom (where I peed and washed up) under the toilets, under the sink, on the ceiling, they weren't there.
Where were they???
Gone.
Maybe they were in the audition room. UGH. As an actress you don't want the director/agents to know the chick they may want to hire is an idiot, but I asked anyway knowing I lost the chance for the job, therefore wasting my day even coming to this audition.
The husband was too busy to come get me and AAA said they'd take me home but it would cost me $200.
I hate losing things. I prayed to St. Anythony (cause that's what Cathlics do when they lose crap) but I was so mad that they were lost I couldn't concentrate.
Four hours later my husband met me at the local costco where the tow guy dropped me and my locked car off.
The next day I dropped my kids off at school walked in with my spare set of keys and went back out to the car to get my groceries.
The door was locked! That panic feeling took over and I started to feel that sick "I am retarded" feeling I had all day yesterday.
I sat on the couch and tried to pray to St. A again. "CONCENTRATE!" Half way between panic and hell I couldn't even hold a thought about anything except where are my keys.
I retraced my steps slowly and before I knew it tears came flowing and I was crying and laughing at the same time. I checked behind units, cabinets, the cat box, nothing.
"Cindy, I need her eyes!" I called my buddy to come help me get out of this mess and she arrived with calmness and patience. I hugged her and cried all over again, "It's just my keys!" I shouted angry at myself for being such a mess.
"You're building a house, you have three kids, this is a tough time, we'll find them..."
Just then I looked up at where my phone is and there they were. They slid between the phone cabinet at the vaccuum cleaner.
I sat down sick again, "They weren't there when I looked before."
There was something weird going on! How could my keys NOT be there and then be there later, when I was the only one home? Is St. Anthony messing with me?
Hmm... Least I got my keys back.