"She Looks Good..."

"Did you see Stacey?  She looks great!"
"Um....then why are you tell ME?"

If you think someone looks good.  Tell THEM.  Chances are they don't know anyone notices.  If you think someone looks fantastic, TELL THEM.  Guy, girl, doggy....a checkout lady at the mall (I promise, they won't think you are gay...unless you are.) 

If everyone went around telling people how much they liked them, appreciated them or that they looked good.........my kids would stop thinking I'm nuts.

Not Invited

"Mom, I wasn't invited to his birthday party."
My first reaction; "Someone needs a hug."
My second reaction: "Where can I run and hide my kid to shield him from the pain I know he is having."
Six minutes later, he is laughing, talking about b-b guns, bullets and other moms allowing their kids to carry weapons and shoot small scrappy rodents.
Hmm...can we go back to not being invited to the party?

"Lunches"

Three kids, three different meals.....one crazy mom.

"Slum Mom"

It was a cold, rainy morning when a Mom at my youngest child's preschool looked me up and down before blurting, "Why do you dress like that?"

My eyes darted around the room.  Who was she talking to?  This Mom could be Ms Perfect; At 7:40am, she has brushed hair, pretty make-up, and matching clothes.  She continued to speak as I figured out it was me she was talking to.

"I see you go to the gym every day.  You work hard!  Show it off.  Like me!"  The attractive Mom did a leap and a pose all at once.  I and everyone in the preschool laid eyes on her fabulous tennis outfit.

I was starting to go into my explaination of why I wore extra long baggy shorts (with the words "laugh your a** off" printed on the butt), a t-shirt that hung below my oversized sweatshirt and a baseball cap, but before I could speak she was already gone.

Truth is, I like looking like crap when I go to the gym.  Who am I looking good for?  Me?  Hahaha. 
If I look good all the time, when I really try, it would be old hat.  If I look horrible all of the time, when I look good....even I pause at them mirror, "Who is that?"

The bigger truth, and Oprah and her best dressed people will hate me for saying this, but as long as there isn't spinach in my teeth or a bugger hanging out my nose, I don't really care what I look like....if I wasn't so modest I'd take a photo of what I look like now!  

Bird House

The husband, Brad, barely able to open his eyes from a shameless night of drinking and dancing with his wife (me) took the kids to get food for their frog and came home with THREE birds.

Brad's only comment, “It was the only way to stop the nagging.”

Hmmm…..should've paid the kids to nag "Mommy needs a bigger diamond!  Mommy needs a bigger diamond!"

The Best Birthday

I was poked awake and asked, "Happy Birthday.  Um, can we move your birthday celebration to next month?"

Seemed like a good idea since I didn't feel like celebrating or feel ready to accept I'm another year older.
That was fine.
Fine.
Let's celebrate next month.

The few friends I called to invite for a celebratory bagel all had busy mornings and wanted to move my birthday celebration to a day when they were 'more free.'
That was fine.
Fine.
We'll celebrate next month, too.

My Mom forgot to call.
That was fine.
Fine. 
When she calls and apologizes, I will tell my birthday has been moved and she should call then.

Feeling a bit sad but still happy God has allowed me to live without too many wrinkles, I sucked it up, and tried to make my own fun by just inviting some other 'Moms' to join me for a bagel (keeping the bday thing hush-hush).  

As the Moms and I walked into the bagel shop three other girls jumped up from a table and started singing "Happy Birthday."  I almost feel over.   These girls were new friends.  Kind, wonderful, happy friends that had been calling me for an hour telling me to meet them at the bagel place.  I almost cried...of happiness and sheer embarrassment.   (I love the attention of being onstage doing comedy.  But when it comes to my day to day life, I like to hide.) 

These new friends were so happy to help me celebrate, starting with a bagel that one of them tried to buy for me, but spoke loud enough that the bagel shop owner bought my bagel and sent me over another chocolate thingee just to be nice.  I almost cried again.  How incredibly nice of a stranger???

These "new" girls are so amazing, they make me want to be like them.  They believe in celebrating anything and doing it often...even right now.  I love that.  They even met me again later in the day with a cake and ice cream.   I almost cried again. 

I once heard a lady say, "I'm not going to that event...I already have way too many friends."

Never, ever feel that way.  Each and every friend is speical in their own relationship with you.  I am always open to meeting and making more friends.  Specially as the older I get, the quicker I recognize who the really good people are...and there are so many, you just need to find them.   And once you find them, tell them and don't let them go!


Thank you to all the "CEO" face book people and fans that sent me bday emails and cards to my home.  I adore you all.

"Mommy Money"

I am tired of begging.  I'm tired of yelling.  I'm just tired.

I can be motivated by cash....and well....so can kids.  My kids. 

Enter the Mommy Dollar.  Recognize anyone?  Yeah, that's me.  Smirky huh?

We have daily chores and expected behaviors that earn Mommy Money or get them taken away.  (oh the tears!)  Then the dollars can be used for buying things...time on tv, time on the wii, or playing a game of their choice with Mom without other sibblings. 

Dad was mad it wasn't his face on the Daddy Dollar, but, really, when is he home to dole out the cash for a job well done.  Actually the dollars are only given out once a week at our family meeting (the only thing I am actually organized about) when we discuss the details of why they were given and/or taken away.

Mommy Money is great fun - make your own at http://www.festisite.com/money/.  But be careful....think ahead how you will feel when you discover your three year old thinks Mommy looks better with a black ink moustache.  Hmmm....

http://www.festisite.com/money/

"Every Day is a Gift"

 This morning after discovering a dear friend has incurable brain cancer I tearfully told my kids, "Remember, every day is a gift."
My six year old Meg said, "Where's MY present?"

"School Birthday"

As I walked into my youngest kids' classroom, I noticed all the little tables were covered in cute mini bowls of various candies and fruit and a smiling Mom ran around flipping pancakes and serving them onto teeny tiny plastes.  I'm sure my mouth dropped as I realized, this "Mom-Incredible" brought her own electric pan...from home...out of her cupboard...into her car, and drove it to the pre-school to make 22 three-year-olds gourmet pancakes.  

I dug back deep into my memory bank?  Did I ever go to such lengths to celebrate any of my kids birthday's.... at school...or hmmmm...even at home?  

This no-notice birthday celebration was better than those we get mailed invitations for...and we didn't have to bring a gift.

Looking over this Mom's spread of energy and care I had two thougths;
1) Am I jealous that I could try harder to be the SuperMom everyone else is?
2) Am I just so happy I have a kid in HER kids class?
Yes, you are right. 
#2....Martha Jr. I am not.   But I am insanely grateful to be included (or just there) when someone else goes the extra mile...or four.

Dare Devil Mom

As I watch my kids try to launch themselves off a bike ramp, I realize they get their advernturesome from me.  Then again, I think I'm a Dare Devil when I press snooze on the alarm clock.

Do you Buy a Sink Grate?

Just a sink thought: Everyone always said that I needed to buy one of those sink protectors in your new sink...it's like a giant metal grate. I think they call them Sink Grates. I didn't get one and every day i go to do the dishes I am so happy when the dishes are out and the sink is completely clean. When I've been to other homes and set something on that metal grate 'protecting' their sink, the whole thing just looks dirty and messy. Sure the sink below will be perfect in 10 years, but who wants to be cleaning and messing with that disgusting grate where food and gunk catches in it and your end up scrubbing the nooks and crannys in the GRATE to get IT clean. Yuck. I'm quite happy that I save my money and blew off those sink grates. My sink has scrates, but who cares, it's a sink for god's sake, it's supposed to look like a sink...and not like some silver platter I'm showing off. I live here.  By the way....the only thing I ever show off are my TEETH.  Cause I brush them and so love to smile.

Happy Tuesday...oh, wait...is today Wednesday?  Hmm

"The Tooth of a Smart Girl"

This was the letter I had to write to my daughter's kindergarten teacher, Mrs Bell, after my conversation with my six year old.


Dear Mrs. Bell
As you know, Meg lost her tooth at school today. She didn't bring it home cause, "it was somewhere special.." Where? "I'm not telling!" Okay. Later I got it out of her, she put it in the SHARE box.

I asked, "Was it in a bag?"

"Nope, I just put it on my paper about our family broken bones."

"Did you tape it to the paper?"

"MOM! I told you I put it ON the paper!"

"Yes, but did you secure it somehow? Mrs. Bell won't know it's there and when she picks up the paper, that teeny, tiny tooth will go flying and could hurt somebody."

"Mrs. Bell always picks up paper very gently and slowly!"

"Okay, but did you TELL Mrs. Bell you put your tooth there?"

"She'll SEE it when she picks up my paper!!  Dah!"

It's so weird to think I have a little girl that can say things like 'Dah?'  I can't explain to her.  Meg is her own girl.  The tooth fairy will wait for her to find it and if it's gone, there will be tears but I'll tell her the fairy will know she lost a tooth cause there's a gap when she smiles.  Then one day she'll know how much I lied to her.  Nice.

"The Baby Shower..."

The party of 28 women were to arrive at 11:30am.  The husband promised he'd be OUT of the house with all three children at 9...then 9:30...then 10....

At 10:10am the unshowered, still in sweat pants husband was sitting on the couch watching some sport thing, drinking coffee and reading the paper.  The three children, two of whom were naked...one still in jamies, were running around yanking out what I already put away.  Without nagging, yet continuing to clean, make food, prepare gifts and organize games for the BabyShower, I kindly kept reminding the husband it was past time for him to take the kiddies and leave...

10:20am the husband complained why I was having a baby shower on a sunday when sports are on....instead of.....when?  He never answered that.

10:25am the husband began to move his body and still unshowered got himself and our kids ready.
10:58am the husband was out the door with all three kids and I quickly began the mad dash to clean to get the house ready for guests.

11:25am:  As the guests began to arrive I wipe sweat from my forehead and opened my arms to a beautiful day of being at home and hanging, talking and communicating with girls I love without making a peanut butter sandwich, breaking up a fight about who called who 'stupid' or re-explaining why our planet is on an axis and spins without making us dizzy.

Ahhhh....
How was your day?  Did you get girl-time this weekend?

Whose Kid is this?

I often wonder who's child is living in my house.  He looks like me, he looks like my husband but his behavior is so devient, I'm left wondering if there was a swap in the hospital.

In the past 24 hours...

Roc took a highlighter to new carpet, drawing a long line where the desk should go.

Roc took off all his clothes while buckled in his car seat with my kids and their friends went hysterical.

Roc dumped a full (brand new $21.99) bottle of Paul Mitchell hair spray on the pourch, then capped it perfectly and put it back.

Roc took the pregnant hampster out of her cage and put her on a table so he "could have both hands to get the other one."  Where was the one he left behind?  Roc looked left to right, "Oh...ummmm...I don't know...I lost her," he mumbled as he walked out of the room.

Roc keeps turning on my car lights causing my car to die.  Over the past three days, my car has died three times.  One time was in line at a funeral.  Another in line at school car pool.  The other time I had to have it towed to the shop where I was told, "Someone left a light on in the back."

Roc is now causing me money and friendships....to rely on others for help moving my car, jumping my car, picking up stranded children, even children that aren't mine and buying new hair spray.

Did I mention Roc is three?

Hold on...I hear screaming ---

The Gay Idol

Adam Lambert has to be the most successful thing to come out of American Idol. The fact that he is gay is just hilarious, specially when I can't stop drooling whenever I see him on TV. His debut on Oprah today was just icing as women around the world shuddered to his flawless vocals....okay maybe just me.

"Dumpster Nurseries"

I love silly comedy.   Specially if it's based on reality.  This latest video stars me as the Mom.  Watch:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr0IK_8gDdg

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

Earthquake Ready Mom?

After living through the 1994 Los Angeles earthquake and believing I was going to die, I run out when I feel an earthquake.  People say, "Don't run out of a building, get under furniture..." I say, "Look at Haiti and get out!"

This past August I was living in an old 1950 apartment while our remodel was being finished.  I was standing near the door, my three kids all within 20 feet from me; on the couch, in the bathroom and laying on a bed reading when I felt the familiar feeling in my bones as the earthquake began to shake our first floor unit.  Inches from the knob to our front door, I slowly put my hands on a bookshelf as the shaking started shouting as loud as I could, "It's an earthquake...GET OUT!"

I then reached for the knob, turned it and ran out away from the building.  My five year old daughter, Meg was at my heels, my other two...?  Where were they?  I stood on the driveway, safe from anything falling shouting, "Ty!  Roc!!  Get out!!"  Nothing. 

When the shaking stopped, I went back in to see my three year old Roc in a bundle still on the couch and Ty standing in the bedroom doorway shocked asking, "Where did you go?"

I answered, "Ah....I was...um...I went out there."  I pointed to the driveway.

Ty, "You left us?"

I was embarrassed.  I failed. 

I was sick.  Did I really leave my other two kids?  How could I do that?  What horrible mother was I?  Friends told stories of how they dashed up stairs to collect all their kids...threw their bodies on top of children on a bed....and I left mine all behind in a building. 

I tried to re-imagine the event in my head, trying to re-do the event and imagine myself staying.  Ha!  Each time, even my imagination won't let me.  I'm always leaving.  I imagine a fire; I know I'd run though flames, I'd crawl through smoke.  I imagine a gunman; I know I'd offer my life first.  But an earthquake?  I'm out.  My brain won't let me change my internal programming: Every man for himself.

Then I realized, "Wait...if our building fell down, who would be out here directing the firemen on where to find my kids alive?  If I stayed inside with my kids and the building fell, we could all perish.   See?  I didn't do a bad thing leaving, I did a good thing."

Ty rolled his eyes, "Whatever.  All I know is you left us."

Yes.  Okay.  Now that we know this....we need to prepare.  We know Mom won't be here for you if the earth starts shaking.  Your job?  Get out.  Fast and safe.  We now have drills on where to run depending on what room you are in when a quake hits.  (I say 'when,' because one is always coming, this is Los Angeles, we just don't know when.)  My kids just go through the motions as I kick their bed back and forth pretending I'm the earthquake.  They sometimes even laugh, but the bottom line is that their minds have stored this information on what to do, so that when it happens they will find that rolodex card in their brain and react properly.

No 'Mommy of the Year' award this year.

Freezing in LA

Today in LA temperatures were so cold....people were forced to wear long pants and shoes.

Stupid people...

My downfall in life is I hate stupid people.  Today I spoke to a lady about my account and that there was a seven dollar negative charge on my account.  I wanted to know why?  Her response, "You have 17,000 in your account."
"Yes, but why is there a negative 7 dollars...?"
She sighs, "I don't know...my computer doesn't go back very far."

How do you think I should answer her? 
1) Oh, I'm sorry, let me see if I can get you new computers?
2) Oh well...I guess 17K is enough money to worry why you deducted me 7.
3) Hmmm.  I am your customer, I've been one for 12 years, just tell me, "I'm sorry this happened to you, let me figure out what is going on?"

I actually said #1 to which she responded, "Really?  We need new computers so bad....can you get Apple?"

ugh.