Cheap Sunglasses Rock!

The doctor’s office called. I left my sunglasses at their office.

The bargain pair of sunglasses I bought in Venice at some cheap stand for $5....FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!! I still have them!

Cause the expensive ones...? The ones costing $200+, I lose within hours of purchasing. One pair I bought, went to dinner and left them at the restaurant table. The restaurant knows nothing. Another time
I went straight to a private house party and never saw them again.

Of course the 'Venice' ones have been lost dozens of time, but have some kind of magnet spell on them that strangers will go out of their way to flag me down in crowds. Like the teenager that chased me for a block before handing me my old and scratched eyeshades. Or the 300 lb woman that sat on them and they didn't even crack!

Yes....the good ones we lose...but the cheap ones stick with us for...well...ever.

Hmmm...that's kinda like my mantra on high school boyfriends.

I Hate Baseball....

Baseball and Boring are synonymous.

Here in my city when you have a kid in baseball, you have to parent volunteer in the snack stand. That means, two 2.5 hour shifts. A total of 5 hours per kid registered for baseball.

That wouldn't be a big deal (parents volunteering) to help keep costs down, but costs aren't down.  Last time I checked, paying to put my kid in baseball was same cost as sports that don't have snack stand duty!

The baseball league has 5 stands/fields in our city and let me tell you…when I am forced to work….as I was twice this season, it’s free food for the family.  Well....free crappy food...which means nothing....cause no one eats anything anyway...but if we wanted to I'd have let them!

Best pay back for me?  When kids come up, asking for nachos… or beans…or cup a soup....or anything involving opening a can, heating, or making a bigger mess with pots and pans…I say sweetly, “No, so sorry we are out tonight.” 

Why? Cause I have to clean up too – and that’s outside the 5 hours total we have to work!! So when I work, it’s packaged snack stand food and drink only.

Don't be all mad at me till you hear the next tidbit: Those five snack stands make over $350,000 for the year!! I’m not sure where that $$ goes but it’s not saving me any on baseball fees or paying to have a high school student work in my place for minimum wage!

So I do what I can to survive.

Thankfully, no one from my area reads these.  (if they did, they'd agree!)

Dear Moms of Boys....

"I hate my mother-in-law..." 
Well, that's what I used to say till some type of Alzheimers set in making her quite the happy, forget-what-daughter-in-law-did-wrong-now, person.

But if all girls want to spend time with their own Moms, when do the Husband Mom's win?

She doesn't.

Course this topic never concerned me.....till two of my three kids came out as BOYS. Suddenly I'm concerned. Now, I know it's not fair that that most husbands blow off their own Mom just to make wifey-poo happy. It's smart for the marriage, but not fair to the 'boys' Mom who endured years of hell raising that kid for him to just....leave her?

Now I"m thinking about my own boys.....as grown-ups, where will they spend their holidays? With the girlfriend? The wife? Will they even invite me over when that first grandbaby is born? Will they call? Write? Text? Will I even know?

I have a girlfriend who spends every single summer with her Mother-in-law. Often times without her husband (M-I-L's son)! Why? M-I-L has a summer home on a lake!!!

Where do her boys beg to go every summer? The lake! To see Grandma on Dad's side!
Grandma years for me may be a long way off....but not the plan to get something in place that future grandkids will want to visit!

I chuckled as I attempted to brainwash my youngest last weekend. I rubbed his temples and spoke that slow scary deep cadence, "When you grow up and move out, you will call and visit me..."

Visibly laughing my five year old boy crawled away from me and pointed to his temple, "If I don't, you'll always be in here."
My mouth dropped.  Maybe it's hopeless work against built-in man-genetics?

Just then the phone rang. My M-I-L wanted to know if we could come to her house for Christmas this year.

I paused. Gave it two seconds of deep constructive thought and said, "My mom already asked us this year...maybe you all could come to their house too?"

It wasn't the Christmas I imagined but how could I expect my boys to remember to invite me when I didn't invite 'her?'

....I guess if I'm lucky I'll be dead before all the chaos.

How NOT To Refinance with a Crappy Bank

I hate banks!

In trying to refinance our mortgage, I can't.   Our house value has fallen below that 80/20.   I'm still hopeful a bank out there will lend a girl with an over 800 credit score cash, right? 

You would think? 

Even our current mortgage company, CitiBank, that has our mortgage doesn't treat me like a loyal-paying-on-time-customer. No, to refinance, they want us to go through the whole process as if we were a brand new customer.

I said, "You already have our loan! So I don't leave your bank, can't you just lower our rate!"

"Nooo...."  Cause then they'd be giving up my high percentage loan for a lower rate loan.  That's sweet for the customer but stupid for the bank trying to make $$ off me. 

So I've been emailing random lenders.  Here is the response from a local bank in my town, Manhattan Beach, CA.  

Laurie,

Thanks for the email….

You will be unable to get a loan with no equity….Government is only helping out on the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac loans….You have 3 options:

·         Try and negotiate with your current lender

·         Call an attorney for assistance…..you might have to stop making payments and ruin your credit…I have a great attorney for this…with good results…

·         Wait until values come back “which could be a long time” and then refinance….

Ron

Oh.  Okay.  So he advises me to stop paying my mortgage, be delinquent on my loan, ruin my credit and THEN the government will help me refinance and get a better loan?

Wow.  That's the best stupidest advice I've ever had!!  I ache for people that listen to him....   

Why can't banks help people who have excellent credit and pay bills on time?

Hmm....I hate to say it, "That's the America way!"

If you have thoughts, advice or the will to pass this post onto a newspaper or some intelligent person who could get it to another person that could do something about this mortgage-problem-for-good-Americans-that-pay-their-bills, let me know here or at laurie@lauriemcdermott.com

Best Ant Farm EVER!

I'm not a fan of ants. They make me uneasy. If I see one on the floor, I freak. If I see one in my house, I'm known to squeal like a baby. Cause I know they travel in packs. Well, long lines-of-friends-packs. If there is one...there are thousands....zillions!

But I think they are cool to watch. I had an Ant Farm when I was a kid and watching my own kids experience an Ant Farm was a real treat and worth double the $29.99 I paid for the package!

They are very interesting to watch. If I find a line of them heading somewhere, I'll often stop to spit a huge hunk of siliva just to see what they do now that a giant 'flood' has blocked their path. That I find facinating. Cause they are outside in their world.

Then I saw this video below. It is truly one of the COOLEST things I have EVER, EVER, seen! With barely enough time to pee during the day, these people have opened up a real life HUGE ant village from deep in the earth! Amazing.

Get the kids and the husband and watch this 3 minute video!

http://www.dump.com/2011/08/30/worlds-biggest-ant-hill-video/

What Style...?

Whoever said we need to look perfect all the time should be shot.


I enjoy wearing mistmatched comfy old sweat pants and Ugg boots almost as much as I enjoy putting on a sexy dress and heels.

Course when I don 20 year old soft red sweatpants, my kids give me the evil eye, "Really? You're wearing THAT?"

In an evil sick way, that just smile more.

What Women Want...in Vegas

It feels like Groundhog day. Yesterday I spent the day picking up after all my kids and my husband. Last night, I went to bed and woke up to the exact same messy house I was in a day earlier.

I need a trip.

Vegas?

Vegas.

I don't need an affair or a penis. I just want to be with girls (oh, uh, women now) who understand my daily 'Ugh" moments. So I emailed 4 of them the following:

I need a weekend away with girls to do the following:

1) Sit by a pool and not have to get anyone anything.
2) Eat food I don’t have to create, cook or clean.
3) Sit by a pool, play a game of scrabble (?), cards or beer pong
4) Relax and not be stressed to run to this or that, for this person or that person
5) Maybe swim in the pool (I’m willing to live dangerous) and secretly stare at men with sexy strong bodies that once used to mirror my husbands'.
6) Think thoughts I want to think (go back to #5 and remember lookinging is not cheating)
7) Maybe stare at a cloud
8) Eat, play & talk with friends about life, love and how lucky we are to have each other (as imperfect as we all are.)


It's been 3 hours. The only replies I've had are:

1) Can my husband come?
2) Can I check with my husband?
3) My husband won't let me.

Sigh....Anyone else?

Man's Dictionary For Women

Man's Dictionary For Women:


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: The calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

(4) Go Ahead: This is not permission, this is a dare. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of "nothing".)

(6) That's Okay: The most dangerous statement a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: If a woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (Exceptions include when she says 'Thanks a lot' - then she is using sarcasm and not thanking you at all. Under no circumstances reply, 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever' - see below).

(8) Whatever: A woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: This is something a woman says after she's told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Punishment Must Fit the Crime

My son came home with a detention for forgetting his book in another class.


Okay, fine.

I'm not the teacher, but if there are punishments on kids for forgetting, I'll just be thankful I"m not in school being policed or I'd be in trouble hourly!

The problem I had with the detention is that it was at 7:30AM. AM. Before school. Before my morning is complete. Before I pick up all the neighborhood kids for carpool.

Wait ....Mom is not headed for detention....why do I have to stress to rearange five other kids and my morning because one son has detention?

I was on a complaining rolling rant last night, "No...how is early morning detention going to prove anything? It's just creating stess! Havoic! I"m calling the school! He can suffer a punishment during recess or lunch! Not screw with my morning!"

The husband suddenly stopped me and said, "Hey, this is good for him. Getting up a little earlier. It's no problem fo rme. I'll stay home from work and get him to school by 7:30am."

"Oh....okay." Ranting over. Problem solved.

This morning, my son woke up early, while the husband chose to sleep in an extra 10 minutes. My son came down at 6:50am and together we packed up his bag, got his 'due-today' science project ready by the door and even made his favorite egg breakfast!

At 7:15am, my son and I were both were milling about waiting for my husband, now in the shower to come down and take my son to school. At 7:20 totally ready to walk out the door, my son was still eating slowly knowing full well that my husband still had to pack up his work computer and make his own breakfast before they could leave the house.

Then, like a California tornado (that doesn't exist, but if it did, it would sound similiar to the noise coming from my own home this morning) the husband began yelling at my son that if my son woke up earlier they wouldn't be late.

The husband then spouted off a few more comments that included, "I'm not taking you to school today! You need to call your teacher and tell her why you didn't make it to detention!"

To say my 12 year old was devistated doesn't even touch the emotions I played witness to coming out of my child.

But now, 'Mom' was back on the hook to call school and explain now (after the fact) why my child wasn't at detention.

Going back to my original point: Detention shouldn't inconvenience the parent, but the child that receives it. It should teach a lesson, so a child learns from it, so he won't do it again.

Sadly all my son learned was: Don't ask Dad to take you to school...ever.

I'm sure in a few hours the husband will realize he was the cause of this morning's events and maybe even appologize to me or even agree with me that any detention causing parents stress or worry aren't doing anyone any good.

But that would be admitting Mom was right. And for Dad, oh boy, that's so hard to do.

Swearing in Church

Limping into church on crutches to see my son's preschool performance, I tripped and quietly said, "Oh shit..."  My mom behind me was not happy, "God damn it, Laurie! Stop swearing!  We're in church for fuck sake!"

"Something is Wrong with Grandma..."

From the moment I hear that the in-laws will be visiting CA from Philly, my shoulders lurch up in physical defense. Then when they arrive, my big smile doesn't hide that I am in full battle mode....able to morph into Queen Warrior in mere seconds. Okay, my in-laws aren’t that bad, it's just the MIL is very negative toward me and tells me what I'm doing wrong...constantly.

This year I was ready. But this year Grandma was different. Instead of yelling at me that I relocated her coffee cup without telling her, she giggled and asked me how to use the Keurig coffee maker. Not once, not twice, but every morning, for a week.....she would ask the same thing:

1) “Three years ago I used this coffee maker thing...can you show me how to use it again?”

2) “Can I heat up my coffee in your microwave?” (She'd ask me this every 5-8 minutes) (She heated up her coffee so many times she didn't even need to drink it; it evaporated.)

Something is wrong with Grandma.

One day, hunched over the bottom double oven she grasped at the handle, "Do you mind if I heat up my coffee?"

"Um...the microwave is over here..." I answered quickly coming to her rescue.

One day she dropped her coffee, another day she dropped the milk. Both times she blamed others or shook her head in disgust that life wasn't fair.

One day I made her coffee, dragged her to a chair and suggested, "You know, if you drink all your coffee in the next five minutes, it won't get cold, and you won't need to reheat it." She looked up at me like a child happy someone was finally coming to her aide.

"Okay..." She said as she smiled.

Then one day my mother-in-law walked up to my husband, her son, and asked, “And where do you live, sweetie?”

My oldest son, Ty, eleven and sometimes more innocently funny that me, added his raw commentary, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Being away from home may have increased the stress bringing on whatever dementia my MIL was already going through. Alzheimer’s or something else….it really didn't matter. All that did matter was that Grandma would never been the same.

Not that this is a bad thing. For me. For the first time in….well…since I’ve known her…she has actually been nice to me. Complimenting me. Thanking me for being in her son’s life. This was the first time I can actually say, I like her.

I’m not going to share this with family that is devastated Grandma is losing her mind…but as I watch the bitter sad sometimes mean woman fall into a new kind of normal....I welcome the upside.

"Halloween Mess Caused By Daddy..."

…Dear Children,


When your future spouse asks you to dress a five year old in a specific outfit, remind them to not get creative and do anything 'outside' what you have asked. Cause they just may spray paint that kid's head with black hairspray and forget to tell you....meaning that the child spends the morning rolling all over so many cushions causing huge 'head shaped' black spots to appear in so many spots, you'll just assume it's some kind of joke. Later discovering that 'No... your parent (i.e...'creative' spouse) didn't put down a blanket or towel or even inform the child that he should be careful, instead, he let him free....free to be five and roll, land or head butt cushions with a staining painted head.

Please remind your spouse if such a disaster ever happens (and let's assume it's won't) but if it does, please remind your spouse they have the absolute freedom NOT tell you and fix the problem themselves! Cause if they do nothing and leave their creation remnants at the front door in a huge pile telling you, "You need to clean this up..." Let them know you will not be happy. For days. Weeks maybe.

"Best Travel Advice for Cheap Restaurants!"

When you know you are going to be traveling to another city for awhile...sign up to get Groupons for that city 2 to 4 months prior!  Then watch the expiration dates and look for things you'll want to see, do and eat!  Brilliant idea from someone I met today!!!

"Best Solution to Driving and Texting"

Best solution to driving and texting....hire a kid.  I've got one that sits in the front seat.  When I get a text, he reads it to me and then responds for me as I tell him what to type back.  Best part?  He gets to practice his 'real word' spelling and properly listening to a woman's voice telling him what to do in detail. 

What man couldn't have benefitted from that early training skill?!

The CEO of the House...by Laurie McDermott: "The Pain of a Thank You Note"

The CEO of the House...by Laurie McDermott: "The Pain of a Thank You Note": "I sent her a gift. She sent me a thank you. The thank you was so awesome I felt compelled to send her a thank you for the thank you... Whic..."

"The Pain of a Thank You Note"

I sent her a gift. 

She sent me a thank you.

The thank you was so awesome I felt compelled to send her a thank you for the thank you...

Which she responded with a thank you for the thank you for the thank you. 

I then called her to tell her to knock it off.

Efficient....

I spent the morning at Coffee Bean doing what I hate....calling on bills where mistakes have been made: late charge, insurance didn't pay properly and Verizon added some weird fee.  Even if it's $2.00, if it's not suposed to be there, I will call and make sure it's off my bill.

My husband (the guy who never looked at his bills before he met me, spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars for things he didn't buy) keeps telling me, "Okay....but don't you think you are wasting your time?"

Umm...No.  Today after calling six places and 'winning' on all of them where mistakes were fixed and charges were returned to me, this man gets up to leave Coffee Bean.  As he passes me he says, "Wow!  I need someone like you working for me!" 

Lost in my own world I looked up confused. 

He laughed and said, "I've been listening to you on the phone....you're good.  I need my managers to be more like you!"

Ha.  I didn't know him but it was nice that someone actually noticed that yeah, I was doing the right thing.  And keeping these companies in line on their 'charges.'

Have you looked at your bills lately?  All of them?  Open your eyes, read the charges and don't believe everything on your bill.  You may be surprised at what you've been paying for over the years that you didn't even know about!  And if you find something, be brave.  Pick up the phone, ask about it or stop it.  

Never be embarrassed to want to know what charges are.  Cause the 'takers' know people believe more than they doubt.  It's your bill.  It's your money.  Keep it.

College for Who....?

My neighbor's daughter got into Stanford. 

I was so happy for them and said, "My kids will never get in there...unless they play on getting a scholarship for ping-pong."

My neighbor Maura laughed and told me something I thought was so cool I had to share, "Laurie, your kids could to Stanford and do nothing...or the could go to a community college and do everything!"

She's right. 

Forget pushing the ping-pong idea.

Raising Chickens...?

Sick of paying outrageous prices for organic eggs, my farm raised Uncle, in the middle of Chicago Suburbia, built a chicken coop and sent away for chicken eggs.

The eggs arrived morphing into chickens until a year later...pop! The first egg. Sadly some of the chickens were eaten by various rodents that broke into the chicken pen till my Uncle had the coop reinforced.

Visiting Chicago with my "can’t-we-get-chickens" kids this week, they were excited to see the birds and graciously offered to care for the chickens when my uncle left town for a week. Our job was easy: Fill the bowls with feed, water, then go collect the eggs. It was like being on a farm…only the farm was a 8 x 20 foot shed.

The first day was scary, the chickens didn't know us and we didn't know them. The second day was scarier, the chickens almost seemed to be trying to attack us. The third day my kids convinced me they could do this job on their own and returned sweaty and panicked: “The chickens are out! They are attacking!”

I ran to my uncles house with a broom and a red towel (bulls follow it, why not chickens?). Then with my kids screaming in the background, I got all the chickens back in the pen. Catching my breath I realized the upturned empty bowls for their water and feed were deep in the pen. I had to go back in. With feed in my hands I ran to the bowls as the chickens charged me with their heads and bodies. Literally they would run on their ledges and launch themselves into the air and then me, sacrificing pain to get me out of their home.

Scratched but not bleeding I closed the pen and left with my shaking children. For the rest of the week, we threw feed in. They were chickens, they didn’t need a bowl! The water I put by the door and filled it with a heavily padded arm.

The question came up about getting chickens and my kids all paused, “What about a dog?”

I wasn’t ready for a dog, but at least the chicken idea is gone for good.

The Risiduals of Vacations...

For five days straight at Paws Up Resort, I had one (okay two) s’mores around a campfire each and every evening. (Just typing this makes my mouth water…whoops...sorry...let me wipe off that drool...)

Why did something so ordinary taste so dang good? I was obsessed with them. One night at camp, I almost pushed over two kids to get the last piece of chocolate. Maybe it was that Paws Up is so relaxing? Maybe it’s because at Paws Up camps, you get a butler...who helped me so much, I never had to even think about what to feed my child. (Hmm...what did she eat anyway?)

Obviously addicted, earlier tonight, I turned on my stove, found a marshmallow, saltine crackers and some M&M's....it wasn't Montana, it wasn’t a campfire, but the mere act made me happy.

BTW: If you try this at home, forks and flames don't mix. Flaming hot and screaming do.