Why Glass Coasters Suck...

"Don't put down the glass! Get a coaster!"

It was just a cup of water. But I guess the 'sweat' from the ice and water can make that forever staying ring. And if you own the table, I get it, go coaster crazy all you want!

I grabbed one of the pretty glass coasters. Then I set my plastic cup on the glass coaster…in the middle…just in case.

When I looked back, it was as if my glass went to the bathroom....the glass coaster was covered with water and the table, the precious wood table was now home to a puddle my sweaty glass created.

Quickly and quietly I grabbed some tissues, pretended to sneeze and nonchalantly mopped up the flowing 'sweat.'

I then stared down the glass coaster with evil eyes, wondering why it failed to do its job! Then I realized….Dah. It's GLASS. Glass doesn't soak. Glass looks nice but it won't protect a table.

So therefore dear people, I put upon you to answer: "Why use glass coasters?"

My second question: “Why even have a fragile table that makes you weird ‘Coaster Enforcer’?

IHop Pancake House...My Love Remains Solid

While on vacation, if you gotta choose to one meal a day to eat out, don't be stupid.  Pick "dinner." Dinner is the hardest to prepare, while breakfast is a snap: cereal, pancakes, sausage, oatmeal....all require little effort and mini cleanup. Which is why we rarely even think of going out for breakfast...that is, till we've eaten everything and have no choice but to find food outside.

Restaurant of choice? IHop. Why? Three reasons: Pancakes. Pancakes. Pancakes.

The pancakes are heavenly and their skinny link sausage (you are either a sausage: fat link or skinny) are so divine I begin to calculate how late the kids would be to school if we added IHop into our daily routine.

Today, ohhhh, when I ordered the cheap boring 2 eggs, links and hash browns...I was offered a seasonal extra!  A choice; and let me tell you people, our mouths, eyes and stomachs ached at the sight and value.  I got to add, for FREE, um hm, free, one of the following: an apple crepe, banana bread French Toast or Pecan pancakes.

Cheap & Delicious?  I think I died.

I chose the middle and all five of us fought over who got to put their fork into the delight next.

Thank you IHop for keeping a pancake so delicious, I refuse to even try to make it at home.

Flying Again...

I used to fly all the time. Had top privileges on two of the best airlines for a few years before I packed in the suitcase for three kids. Today, when I fly, no one remembers my once great 'loyalty' and I'm back to being just garbage.

Thank goodness all my flying happened prior to 9-11. Every time I fly now, I think of that day and how trying to keep us safe is making people stupid. My kids weren't born or don't have a memory of what flying was like before and I guess that is good...so they don't feel the need to roll their eyes when a TSA person asks something they believe to be ridiculous.

Not a fan of country unless it's about some lover that got revenge with time or death. But if you are flying soon....this Buck Howdy guy gives a nice view on what's to come before your flight. And if you aren't flying but into some success on YouTube, do something like this and people like me will notice and share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a8jGVXOMsw&hd=1

Why I Love Thanksgiving Week

Ever since our school system decided to close schools for the week (cause with families going awol early on long vacations, the schools lost too much money) this has become my favorite week with my family.

Beause it's not long and hairy like Christmas break or the when-will-it-end Summer Break, Thanksgiving week is perfect. 

While I know we should be packing it in to travel somewhere hip and exotic...I kinda like being able to enjoy the nothingness of the week. 

And I do mean nothing.  Daily we get up and stay in our jammies till noon or even (I know) the next day.  (that's a great day).   We eat when we feel like it, snack when we feel like it, shower when Mom says, "You smell." 

Best part:  No rushing to school, no driving to a zillion practices, no playdates, no missed appointments, and my personal favorite; no homework.   It's a chance to be together and remember how much we love each other and relax in our own home, play with toys we had to have but never touched, open that paint kit we forgot we had, have 'game night' five days in a row...and talk and laugh and just hang out as a family.   

Ahhh....

Then just at the point when I begin to pull at my hair and wonder who raised my children to be so annoying....it's time to go back to school.  Everyone agrees it's was a great HOME vacation!  And the timing?  What a perfect break!  

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Thanksgiving...seat for one?

"I have a serious question.  Be honest."

I was intrigued and nervous.  I hoped she wasn't going to ask me if her butt was too big because it wasn't.... and just to be funny, I'd have to lie.

My dear friend, Sadie, started to talk about Thanksgiving, a holiday I dread since we live in an area with no "built-in" family and each year, wondering what we're going to do on the big holiday (Will we be invited somewhere?  Will someone want to come to our house for dinner?) is sad and depressing. 

This year with no invitations and a fear of cooking/burning a turkey, Sadie suggested she'd make a turkey and her family would just come to our house.  I was so happy.  We'd have guests and I wouldn't need Dominos-Pizza on speed-dial.

Since then, I've invited other friends who felt empty and lost at the prospect of being alone on Thanksgiving.  Which leads me to Sadies phone call and her request, "My friends don't have family in town and I was wondering--"

I didn't let her finish, "Do you want to invite them for Thanksgiving?"

"Well, I don't want--"

"Sadie!  Do you want them to come to dinner?"

"Well...if you are okay--"

"What's her phone number?"

"Are you going to call them?  Oh no, let me call her first...."

"Sadie, she'll be coming to my house, I want to make sure she knows she's invited and what better way to do that then call her myself.  What's her number?"

I hung up and called this new friend and introduced myself and then invited her to our home for Thanksgiving dinner.  She said yes, her family would love to come.

Next, I called my husband and told him about our added guests.  He operates like me, "Hey, what's a few more?"

All this reminds me of Thanksgiving dinner 1996.  When I asked a relative, "Hey, that nice lady on your corner didn't her husband die?  She's all alone this Thanksgiving.  Why don't we invite her to come down for dinner?"

I will never forget the response she gave me, "My table only seats 8.  I don't have enough chairs."

In truth, we could have pulled up a stool or (don't gasp) a 'different' patterned chair.  All people care about on Thanksgiving is that they feel loved and accepted.  It's so simple and easy. 

And in our home, there will always be a seat at our table for anyone wanting to come be thankful with us on this holiday and all holidays. 

I hope you are the joyous light for someone else this holiday.

Husband Duty

The past 2 nights I promised my husband, who goes to bed early, that I'd wake him up when I climbed in.  Being too tired and well lazy, I haven't. 

Tonight is our weekly 'date night' and laying in bed this morning, I had a hilarious idea! Before dinner I'd take him to a remote place and have a little "sex in the car." I was excited for him in my plot to surprise him, smiling as I mentally mapped out all the acrobatic things I would do to him. 

Then I climbed out of bed.  Walking to the bathroom, the after-effects of almost being 40 reminded me I'm no longer in shape to perform in Cirque du Soleil and that my body, when able, likes bending and stretching in comfy places, not the car, not the floor or sometimes not even a gym mat. 

So...maybe I'll just share with him what I was thinking over dinner.  The mere fact I was thinking about such out of the box adventures has gotta give me some points!

Be The Better Friend

Ever have a friend that did something rude or awful to you that was so shocking instead of going to them with, "Ah...did you know you behaved badly and really hurt my feelings...?" You kept it inside, hoped it would go away, worked itself out or moved to a foreign city?

Last week, after a big 'Rah-Rah" from the husband, I met face to face with a lady who once took my heart and smashed my feelings through a meat grinder.

Why did I reach out to her for peace after she hurt me? 1) Because life is too short to worry. 2) Our kids are friends. and 3) if I have to keep seeing this woman without a heart-to-heart, I'm destined for cardiac arrest.

Was it hard to meet with her? "Horrid" is better than "hard." Conflicts suck. But if you face them head-on with an open mind and heart....no matter what the result, you win because you cared enough to try.

How did it end? My internal organs thanked me, as did my husband who saw what that stress did to my usually happy demeanor.

What will be of the old friendship? My goal was to clear the air. Now that it's cleared, there is room for the start of a new friendship...one that will start with two people now carrying fresh secret tools to unlocking the wisdom of how to live life honestly.

And if our friendship doesn't blossom....it'll be her fault!

The Reason to Have A Party

"I can't have a party...I need new curtains...the walls need new paint....or maybe we just need a new house..."

The holiday season is upon us and so are the fun parties.  Every year a dear friend of mine complains she wants to have a party but can't because her house is a mess.  Really?  No one cares what your home looks like.  (unless it's a distaser in which case you'll make them feel better about their own place)  All people care about is that you chose them to be on your guest list! 

If you keep thinking of all the reasons why you can't have a party...you'll never have one.  Mabye start thinking of all the reasons why you CAN.  Here I'll help:

1) Four walls, a floor, a bathroom and a refridgerator.

2) Fiends you like but never see or have time to talk to cause you're so busy.

3) People will come to your party because they want to see you...not the house, the curtains or even the dog stained rug.  They come for you.

Odds are, fifty years from now you're not going to be around anyway....so make sure you have fun before it's too late.

In the meantime....get planning.

The Dangers Of Voting

I dropped off all my kids and headed straight to my voting location.

I parked my car, chatted with the local neighbor volunteers, voted, chatted again and returned to my car.

I opened the door, sat in my seat, closed the door, put my keys in the ignition when I noticed a book on the floor.  Funny.  How did that get there?  Then I looked at the passenger seat and saw a stack of items I knew I didn't put in my car. A tingle of fear began to settle in me as fast as I realized,
"OHMIGOSH...I'm in someone else's car!"

I quickly opened the door and jumped out, embarrassed someone would run from the polling office screaming, "That's my car!" And I'd end up in jail for not paying attention.

No one saw.  In fact I kinda wished someone played witness to this hilarious scene.  But I had a giggle realizing I can't remember where I parked my car but I can tell you the times, activities and everything my three kids ingested into their bodies the past three years.

Ah, the dangers of voting.
If you go out there...be careful.

Call Me Paranoid

I guess I am overprotective.  I do worry about my kids getting abducted or stolen....pretty much....um.....every time they aren't in my eyesight.

I give them more freedom than the average mom, but when it comes to walking solo to a store or a friend's house, I nix the idea unless they have an escort and even then, I still worry.

Another mom once laughed at me, "Laurie, you are so paranoid."

Yes.  It's true.  I laugh.  I joke.  I poke fun at everything.  But my kids' safety is high priority.

Then her next comment, "Only 1 in a four million get stolen every year."

I looked at her.  "Yes.  But what if it was YOUR kid?   That one.  What if it was yours?"

I don't care if it was one in a trillion, this is one lottery I do not want to win.

"Little Kids Are Annoying to Who?"

I was at Starbucks and two mothers and their three little girls were sitting next to me.  Not a quiet bunch, I ignored them for the first ten minutes.  Suddenly the girls started running in circles, first around their table, next around all the tables.

It was funny to immediately see heads turn looking to judge and blame the owners of these loose wild kids. 

Then I saw an older couple looking at the children with eyes of wonder and compassion.  They smiled and laughed each time the girls passed their table.  At one point the older woman started clapping, almost cheering them on.

Because they get it.  The older you get, the wiser you become.  (Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of wise old crabby people...but they have a choice.)

The next time you see children playing loudly, maybe instead of being the negative crab who judges and sneers....think of the moment as a gift to try and remember a time when you enjoyed your own life as much.

This is life, you only get one.

Mom, Is God in there?

My littlest kid, Roc, said to me as we were driving by the church we go to on Sunday, "Is church over?”

I said, “Yes…”

He leaned forward as if trying to see and said, “Is God still in there?”

I wanted to tell him God is everywhere but thought he'd start nervously looking around like you do in the big chair at Disney's Haunted House when that green ghost sits next to you at the end. 

So instead I took the opportunity and said, “Yep, that’s his house…and when you go there he wants you to be quiet."

Roc said, "Yeah, I'm not quiet."

Working Mothers Deserve Sainthood

The list of daily activities seems to get longer and longer and it's only 2 of my 3 that I'm escorting around. And then somewhere in-between all these activities, someone says they are hungry and I do the math on what they ate that week and should this 'fix' be a crap snack or healthy snack and how long is it till dinner and (by the way) who is fixing dinner. Oh, yeah, that would be me...the lady glued to the car lacking the strength and mentality to muster trying to put feed everyone.

What will happen to my brain when that third kid starts the "after school activities?" Will I power through with a coffee pot strapped in, brewing in my back seat, shouting at slow, tired kids to "MOVE! MOVE!" or will I have a complete breakdown with hospitalization for six months and have peace and quiet in a white room with no complaints, food requests or argument breakups. Um.... That second one sounds kinda nice.

Then I think about those moms that work....and my heart aches with stress for them. Whether they want to work or have to work, I don't know how they do it.

I have a few little jobs but they don't even compare to my friends working those serious jobs (with a boss and yearly reviews) from 9 to 5 or 7 to 7. My family struggles a little, but for my full time working mom friends who work and then come home and have to do everything that I do (yes, okay, some husbands help...but really, truly, if a husband does anything....it's only because a Mom has organized and told him to do it), I bow my head to them.

So if you are a working mom, this is me bowing and telling you that you are a truly amazing woman. Here. Do you feel that? It's a pat on the back.
Now go plan your next amazing vacation. You deserve it.

Escalators....

Everytime I'd see an escalator I'd be reminded of shopping and beauty surrounded by businesses in the business of making me look good.

Now, with three kids under ten, whenever I see an escalator, I turn into this crazy lady convinced someone will miss a step and fall to their death while I watch stuck myself on a level I can't get off, because the escalator going the other way is clear on the other side of the mall!

So I shut commands like a veteran drill sergeant:

Tie that shoe!
Don't lean!
Hold the side!
Look straight ahead!
Stop licking the rubber!

Everyone hates me till we are off the 'ride' and safely on the next floor. One time I was so mad at them for goofing around, I told them the story of the kid who got his shoelace stuck and the escalator teeth ate his shoe and his foot and to this day he can't run or play. I didn't care if it was true or not, they were petrified. For like three more trips, they were the perfect little soldiers on the escalator. Two months later, my story went into a distant memory that I'd bring up now and then and they'd just roll their eyes.

Till last week, when we witnessed an older woman mis-step getting on the escalator. Not only did she end up riding the escalator on her backside, (upside down with her panties showing) but she had a gash on her knee that looked like the escalator bit her. My kids mouths were on the floor and we watched the paramedics come and the lady being taken away to get her knee repaired.

Later we spoke again about the dangers of being careful on the moving stairwell, but there is something annoying about a Mom having to tell and tell and tell. Cause when kids watch, witness or see with their own eyes. It's in there. And they get it.

Why PrePackaged Meals Are So Popular

After hours of going to the store, then cutting, slicing and cooking a great yummy meal...using only ingredients you know each and every single person in the family likes and eats on a regular basis...you prepare this massive meal out of goodness and love only to hear:

"Yuck!  This sucks.  Can I have something else?"

Teaching kindness and manners is unlikely when all you really want to do is hit them in the head with an egg.

Why I HATE Car Salesmen at Carson Toyota

I went by Carson Toyota in California, to check about a light on my dashboard. A salesman outside helped me and then suggested I could turn in my 2008 Sienna for a 2011 Sienna (the same model) for the same monthly price.

We did this song and dance thing for four months, until he convinced me "I have all the numbers solid, no drive off fees, no nothing, and your payments will stay the same."

What do you think happened?

After visiting the dealer twice, I emptied my car (kid seats, toys, things I never knew I had hiding in there) and returned to Carson Toyota to discover I was a victim of 'bait and switch.' This five year veteran salesman lied to me. Lied to ME. An on-the-ball girl who crossed her t's and dotted her i's. I was so mad I cried for days. (comedy is humor plus time...I haven't had enough time, so this may come out kinda angry) (sorry loyal readers but you must know this horrid Toyota story)

I was so mad I told this salesman, who commented he'd never seen two credit scores as high as my husband and I, that the reason we had such high credit cores was that we were honest people who paid their bills and Toyota would be lucky to continue to have us as loyal customers.  (OK, I did swear a few times) and left. They didn't expect that. They thought even though they changed the deal on me, the deal we agreed on over the phone over and over and over, that I would still do this new deal because I wanted this new car so bad.

Ha.  Nope. I walked.

I walked with my story about a corrupt dealer that opened my eyes to the ugly side of car buying, that in this day and age of Toyota trying to win back loyal customers, is still going on. They all should be ashamed of themselves. (and other nasty words)

Bottom Line: Do not be a victim of car salesmen, playing you against some Wizard of Oz, hidden 'big' man behind a partition that's about to control your financial future.  What are they talking about in there?  It's your car?  How can they negotiate without YOU?  Help end this fifty year old game and be wise.  Know your price and before you go to the dealer, negotiate over the phone. And then be SURE to get EVERYTHING in writing...or they will play dumb, "Oh that car wasn't even here..." "Oh we thought you wanted the fuchsia colored car...." Do this all before you waste your time and patience.  Then email me your hero story!  laurie@lauriemcdermott.com

How Old is Ok to Die?

"I'm really sad, my Grandfather died last week."

"Oh, no..." I said, "How old was he?"

"98...it's so sad."

I wanted to laugh.  But instead I hugged my friend trying to hide what I thought was hilarious.  Every grandparent on both my parents side died when I was a kid.  I never got to see them at birthday parties or share memories with them or hear stories about their life and the valuable lessons they could have taught me from sharing their life with me.  Nope.  I got nothing.  Now here was a friend who had all of those wonderful things for so long and instead of appreciating it, she was mad and upset.

Since I do "funny" for a living, I made sure to remind her to remember how lucky she was to have had him in her life all these years as well as the funny things she loved about it.  Within seconds she was laughing.

Member when you were ten and hearing someone who was 40 meant they were deathly old?  Then at 40, 60 wasn't that old.   I bet at 80, will 90 still look young?  Then at 100, what are you thinking?  Can I make it one more year?  Ten?  Twenty??

Bottom line:  When someone dies, we are reminded of how short life really is.  We only get one life...don't screw it up.

Short and Sweet Emails or Texts? Don't Take it Personal

By email I invited a friend to coffee, this was after I praised her efforts on a benefit we had just closed and also answered several of her questions on how to get in to see a certain doctor.  This was her response:

"Can't today, crazy."

Oh.

My first reaction was, "Really?  I wrote 5 paragraphs and all she said was three words?  Couldn't she have noticed my efforts in responding and done the same back to me?" 

My second reaction was, "Have I angered her?"

My third reaction was "She's out.  She must be using a blackberry or be in a store or pushing a grocery cart." In which case....I'd like you all to know: Stop using emails while you are out in the world.  Emails should not be done in the car, while you pee or standing in line at Disneyland where it's so loud and distracting you spell words like 'know' (no) incorrectly and people begin to think you have a mental problem.  Wait till later to respond. 

I will not die if I do not get a reply within one to seven days.  (By day eight, yes, maybe.)

Also, don't ever answer any email with the words, "not going to work for me’ or ‘ it doesn’t work for us.’

What?  Really?

How about ending every email with, "Thank you so very much for taking the time to email me today."

No one will be wondering if your words were genuine or not.  They'll just be so happy to see the one person online who still has manners happens to be their friend.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

Need a Job? This is What NOT To Do

I was standing ordering a icy jamba-type drink when I heard a voice behind me interrupt.

"Are you hiring?"

I turned.  Wearing ripped jeans, flip flops and a smirk, the girl speaking asked her question while looking down at her blackberry. 

The kid taking my order stopped talking to me and answered her, "Nah...we're full."

I watched her walk away as the kid said, "Tough market out there..."

My brain was on fire.  So many thoughts I didn't know where to start:
1) Who did this girl think would hire her if she doesn't look at the person she's speaking to?
2) Did she think anyone would hire her if she can't put her blackberry down for ten seconds?
3) Didn't someone tell her to dress for success, even if it's boring retail?

I wanted to run after her, to help her, advise her, tell her how to smile, what to wear, to ditch that electronic contraption controlling her eyes to look at only it.   I watched this girl walk into Starbucks and again get denied.  She wasn't even trying, her head still looking down at her blackberry.  She could have asked another question, the one about if anyone knew if anyone else was hiring.

Collecting all the balls in my body, I was just about to walk over to her when a car pulled up and she climbed in.  Okay, so my regret today?  Not reaching out and blowing her socks off on how to get a job.  But if you have kids....share this story with them and see what they would have done. 

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

HealthCare Problem; The Rising Cost of Doctors That Think Everyone is Rich

I drove an hour to see this doctor.

Constantly fearing the next earthquake (aka "The Big One") is moments away, I avoided the 6-story parking 'thing' and circled the building for twenty minutes looking for a street spot..

Defeated, it took another 10 minutes to find an open spot in the "death lot".  Walking to the elevator I heard a lady complaining on the phone that every time she came to this building it cost her $30 in parking. Guess her doctor didn't validate. Once in the office, I was horrified to hear the front desk lady tell me, "Well, it's only $2.20 every fifteen minutes."

Only? Really? She must be making close to ten an hour to believe her salary was good enough to cover parking in her building for an hour. I asked if they wouldn't mind if I filled the paperwork out in the room and was told, "Well, you are late and there are four people ahead of you."

I looked at the clock. I was six minutes late because of the parking problem (which no one thought was American fraud but me). So I said, "How many people would have been ahead of us if we arrived six minutes ago?"

The assistant shrugged. Maybe I was the first ever to have answered one of her obviously routine nasty remarks.  So I spoke again, "How long will it be...an hour?"

She responded without looking at me, "No. At least an hour and a half."

I took my family by the hand and turned, "Okay, Bye."

The assistant was shocked, "You're leaving?"

I didn't respond. I just wanted to get out of there....vowing to myself the following:

1) This one is too nasty to mention.
2) If I ever become a doctor, a good doctor, understanding the mind-blasting costs of health care and the difficulty family members undertake to invest in proper care, I will honor and value their pocketbooks and never, ever, ever, ever take residence in a building where my dear valued patients (driving hours because they have chosen to come see ME) are forced to pay hefty embarrassing rates, just to see me.