"Summer Makes Me Dizzy"

What a blast of a summer!  Utah, Chicago, Palm Desert and a whole bunch of days hanging at home, not screaming to get in the car to rush to a sport or finish homework.  But it's almost over.  School starts September 1.   Two days left....tick-tock.  I'm ready to cry.....

Freedom....even if it's only 9 full hours a week.  Whoopie!!!!!

I'm back. 

Did you miss me?

"Walking...."

I love easy parking.  I will even pay to have closer easier parking.  Then I'll go to the gym and walk for 50 minutes. 

You'd think I'd just learn to park father away on all my errands so I could get my exercise through-out the day, right?

Then again when I climb onto the treadmill at the gym....I'm not first waiting for three kids to find their shoes, get their shoes on (who knows why they take them off on the three minute car ride?), find their jackets, find the toy they had to bring, get out of the car, get back in the car cause what they had in their hand is now gone.  Then once each of them have finally gotten out of the car, they argue who is walking next to whom, who isn't waiting for the other, who isn't holding someone's hand, who hit someone, who looked at someone weird, who almost touched someone but still has that look in their eye.

Yeah....me too.

The gym.

"Gas...."

I was going to talk about the other 'one.'  But then my husband called with news he ran out of gas 300 yards from Costco's gas station for the second time in 2 months.   Shouldn't one learn from the embarrassment the first time?

Ha...or maybe not.  Living on the edge...."I can make it...I can make it!"

I live on the edge by pressing snooze on the alarm clock.

"Yes I am...a host..."

I've been hosting for years and years....this is the last you'll hear of it from me here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XsmNgEuCFQ

My kids have seen clips of me and don't bat an eye.  Yet on this one, they stare and ask, "Who is that talking..."  I said, "That lady your dad is married to."

"What Does a Girl Want?"

The other night I met a man who literally said, "It's horrible....I just never know what she wants!"

I said, "And have you asked her?"

He looked blankly at me, so I kept talking. "We'll tell you, you just have to ask."

I quickly added, "Oh!  Then don't forget to act like you really care what she's telling you."

Hmm...do you think I speak from experience?  Don't we all?

"Mini-Van Lover Forever..."

Ford's CEO revealed their new SUV on the Today Show this morning.  Better fuel efficiency, better safety.....   my mind drifted to thoughts of my own family in this new SUV till the gave me the side view again.  Doors.  Basic doors.  Basic manual doors that my be user open and operated.

I imagined my younger kids, a 3 and 6 year old screaming at each other as they struggled to close the cars' back door as I waited to back out of the driveway.

I sighed. 

My current minivan's automatic doors that open and close with the single push of a button are my sanity, my lifestyle.  I can open the doors from 50 feet as my kids run ahead of me to the car.   I can open the doors from afar if the car has been sitting in the sun and will be too hot and the car needs to air out for a few minutes before we climb in.  With an arm full of groceries, kid crap or a sleeping child, no need to struggle to open a door, I just push that single easy button and the door slides open.

Nope. I'm not switching.  I can't.  With all the uncontrollable craziness in life, I'm grateful for a simple easy sanity-saving gizmo on my current van.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Catalogue Purchases..."

When buying a dress from a catalogue or online model photo, I always forget....

I'm buying just the dress...not the body it's on.

Sigh....

"Gum..."

I was driving last month and the gum I was chewing was disgusting. I went to throw it out the window (very bad, I know) and as I was throwing it, it stuck to my finger and ricocheted somewhere inside the car.

I searched EVERYWHERE for that gum. It had vanished. Gone. Two weeks later it’s a hot day and my Mother In Law is visiting, in the car with us. When she goes to get out, she screams that someone has her hair. It's GUM. MY gum. Course my husband starts yelling at our three kids, “How many time have I told you kids, no gum!”

I put on my supportive face and nodded with him.

(Secretly giggling knowing I'll share this with them when they are 30)

"Weird Potty time..."

It's social hour when any of my three kids need to go poo.  At 10, 6 and 3, when one sits for the job the other two will wander in and a nice kind chat or game will ensue. 

In the bathroom.

Every time it happens I advise the others to give the 'sitter' privacy but the sitter says, "No, it's okay, I want them in here."

I want to break it up and declare it weird and offensive, but it seems to be the only long chunk of time my kids are actually quiet, thoughtful and nice to each other.   So I let it be....carefully surveying from a room or two away.

Of couse as soon as the flush happens, it's business as usual.   Someone starts yelling at someone or acusing someone else of something and life is back to normal....till someone has to poo again.

"Walking Shorty..."

I like being short.  (5'4")

Except when walking with friends.  Every time I plan a 'walking date' with others, they are always 5'8" or taller.  What am I thinking?  I must walk two to three steps for everyone one of theirs.

This morning:
They walked, I jogged. 
They talked, I gasped.
They laughed, I left.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Reading for Who?"

How I long to dive into a book on a towel under the summer sun. 

Yesterday I tried.  I made sure my kids were all fed, safe and happy.  I made sure my own towel was flat and rid of wet sand from kids' feet and butts.  I laid back, put on my hat and opened my brand new Barnes and Nobel book. 

Ahhh....

I was at word number 3 when I heard, "Mom, he's throwing sand!"  "Mom, she's pulling my hair!"  "Mom, your left boobie is hanging out!"

Yes.  Children are lovely.

"A Real Man"

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

"Wrinkle Cream..."

Anti-wrinkle cream?  Ugh....sooooo many choices.  So, which is the best product?

I hate wrinkles.  For a week I said, "No more smiling."  I lasted 4 minutes.   For a week I said, "No more frowning..."  Then my two year old barfed on my lap.

I've been using the same anti-wrinkle stuff since I was 18, perscriptives Line Preventor. (Cause even at 18, I knew I'd done damage to my skin by stupidly 'baking' in the summer sun)  Then my beloved Perscriptives disappeared.  I still don't understand what happened but they are gone...along with a product I can't remember ever not using.

What do I do?  I need a new anti-something.  I went to the mall to find a new anti-wrinkle thing. 
What? Who? How?

I posed the question to each beauty counter:  "What's your best anti-wrinkle cream?"  For the next hour my face was covered with cream after solution after goop.  Each one came with it's own I'd-die-for-my-product sales pitch. 

All I want to know is....why do they make anti-wrinkle creams that must be applied to your face by deep rubbing, causing more wrinkles than when you started???  Anti-wrinkle cream should be light, fluffy, applied on gently without skin moving in any way. 

I'm on the market....anyone use anything they like?  I'm listening.

"Vampires.."

I never understood the "Twilight" bug.  These middle aged married ladies screaming at a movie and it's young male actors was just ridiculous.  Even on Oprah, when the cast and all these obsessed ladies couldn't stop talking about the movie....I just rolled my eyes at the whole scene.

Then I saw "Twilight."  Three times in two days.  With my kids and husband (who kept uttering, "Who is that girl? She's adorable.  Isn't there a sequel?")

Within days we rented the 2nd one (saw that twice) and now the husband just said to me, 'June 30th....let's go see the next Twilight movie."

Hilarious.  My husband likes a chic flick....haha.  Who can I tell?  Oh...everyone!

"Car Travel With Kids..."

Don't.

"The Morning Wake up....."

People with kids wake up because their early risers jump in bed with them.

Not me.  At 3:30am the alarm begins going off, snoozing all the way till a final 5am, nagging me awake each and every time till the husband finally resets it for me and climbs out of bed. 

Peace.  Till the husband walks out of the bedroom and lets the cat in.  Normal cats meow.  Our cat yaks.   Sounding like an old man hobbling to a sink to spit out that 'thing' in his throat, "Aaayk!....Aaayk...Aaayk..." 

I lay there thinking, "Just one more yak...please....only just one more."  It continues.  I climb out of bed, boot the cat from the room, and snuggle back in bed till I hear the birds (yes we have two lovebirds) began their morning quacking.  

Okay, they don't quack, but what they do is high-pitched, loud and annoying either way.  Under a sheet that is supposed to keep them quiet till you take if off, ha.  Baloney.  They do what they want, when they want....cause taking away "TV privileges" won't work on them.

It's 6am...I'm up. 
Good-morning.

I

"Being Too Nice..."

I'm at Borders sitting at a smallish table.  For some reason, people think I'm nice and always ask to sit with me.  Of course I smile and happily go out of my way to move my stuff, chairs or large furniture to make room for them.

Today a seemingly nice lady asked to sit at my table.  I said, "Oh, of course," making room for her.  Oddly, out of the three empty seats, she chooses to sit in the seat RIGHT next to me, puts on headphones and blasts her music so loud I can hear it word for word.  

I've got two columns due tomorrow and I'm listening to Borders music, her music and her breathing.  I kindly motioned for her to turn her music down a bit and she gave me a dirty look with some weird type of growl.

I again asked her to turn it down a bit more and she takes off her headset and says to me in some thick Argentine accent, "It's a FREE country!"

Wow.  Okay.  Am I too nice?  I refused to get up, so I began to make the 30 phone calls I was waiting to do till I got home.   Boy she was happy.  She ended up moving two tables over (I can still hear her music) on the way banging my table so many times it almost broke.

I'm done with sharing my table.  Next time I'll first screen them, make sure they aren't going to be listening to music or talking on the phone.  But I think it's better to go drastic, like start crazy coughing and barely be able to say "I have pneumonia  and still contagious."   Or I'll start picking my nose and without looking at them say "My imaginary friends are already sitting with me and they don't like company."

"Shopping Hell"

"Mom I need new pants...these are too short."

While most women love having any excuse or invitation to go to the mall....I don't.  These words put me into a panic.  A sweaty, add something else to my neverending to-do list panic.

Mall shopping takes so much time.  Trying on, hanging up (out of respect and fear of dirty looks from store employees), hearing repeated complaints of 'it itches!' or 'nothing fits!' or 'I'm hungry!' send me over the edge.

Online shopping is supposed to be easy but in the end, I'm on a single nerve after an hour of hearing, "Click another, don't like it, click another, ew!"  Also, it's ridiculously expensive...specially returning everything no one liked. 

Then some kind soul saves me, "Hey, Laurie, I've got a box of kid clothes...need any?"   A box of hand-me-downs is like a life raft floating to me after the boat went down.  I respond with a gracious hug and a sigh, "Yes.  Please. Thank you."  The clothes arrive and my kids go through them picking what they like, giving the rest to another family.

Ahhhh....an easy hall pass from shopping hell ....

For now...until that next growth spurt...

"Tie Your Shoes.."

Is it bad I'm hoping my son trips and falls so that he will see the importance of tying his shoes?

Only once would be fine.

Daily he'll snidely tell me, "See Mom?  Didn't fall once!"

Dear God,
If you can make it happen..soon.
Only a little blood please.
Mom

"Say Hello..."

My husband comes home, "I saw Bob and Suzie at the mall..."  I perk up, "No way!  How are they???"  He says, "Oh...I didn't talk to them.  I said I saw them."

In every marriage there is the social one and the one that hides under the couch when the doorbell rings.  I grew up under my Dad's teaching; "Saying hello to people validates them and makes them feel special." Even if that means shouting from one side of the room to the other, "HEY SUE!" a huge smile is always returned and I know, even if they were embarrassed, for a second I made them feel like they mattered.

How can that ever be bad?  Well maybe when I do this and the husband finds a couch to be under, and while climbing down, rips his shirt and shoulder on the metal under-springs and bleds on the carpet.  That's bad.   But my kids have learned well from me.  How proud I am as we leave a friends' home to hear them all saying genuine good-bye's with each friends' names included.

My little one (he has no friends yet) has even resorted to rolling down his car window and yelling "HI!" to anyone that will listen...and while my husband shakes his head, I watch the riders in the other car pass by smiling.

There's your lesson:  Don't be shy....Just say "HI."