"Dumpster Nurseries"

I love silly comedy.   Specially if it's based on reality.  This latest video stars me as the Mom.  Watch:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr0IK_8gDdg

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

The CEO of the House by Laurie McDermott

Earthquake Ready Mom?

After living through the 1994 Los Angeles earthquake and believing I was going to die, I run out when I feel an earthquake.  People say, "Don't run out of a building, get under furniture..." I say, "Look at Haiti and get out!"

This past August I was living in an old 1950 apartment while our remodel was being finished.  I was standing near the door, my three kids all within 20 feet from me; on the couch, in the bathroom and laying on a bed reading when I felt the familiar feeling in my bones as the earthquake began to shake our first floor unit.  Inches from the knob to our front door, I slowly put my hands on a bookshelf as the shaking started shouting as loud as I could, "It's an earthquake...GET OUT!"

I then reached for the knob, turned it and ran out away from the building.  My five year old daughter, Meg was at my heels, my other two...?  Where were they?  I stood on the driveway, safe from anything falling shouting, "Ty!  Roc!!  Get out!!"  Nothing. 

When the shaking stopped, I went back in to see my three year old Roc in a bundle still on the couch and Ty standing in the bedroom doorway shocked asking, "Where did you go?"

I answered, "Ah....I was...um...I went out there."  I pointed to the driveway.

Ty, "You left us?"

I was embarrassed.  I failed. 

I was sick.  Did I really leave my other two kids?  How could I do that?  What horrible mother was I?  Friends told stories of how they dashed up stairs to collect all their kids...threw their bodies on top of children on a bed....and I left mine all behind in a building. 

I tried to re-imagine the event in my head, trying to re-do the event and imagine myself staying.  Ha!  Each time, even my imagination won't let me.  I'm always leaving.  I imagine a fire; I know I'd run though flames, I'd crawl through smoke.  I imagine a gunman; I know I'd offer my life first.  But an earthquake?  I'm out.  My brain won't let me change my internal programming: Every man for himself.

Then I realized, "Wait...if our building fell down, who would be out here directing the firemen on where to find my kids alive?  If I stayed inside with my kids and the building fell, we could all perish.   See?  I didn't do a bad thing leaving, I did a good thing."

Ty rolled his eyes, "Whatever.  All I know is you left us."

Yes.  Okay.  Now that we know this....we need to prepare.  We know Mom won't be here for you if the earth starts shaking.  Your job?  Get out.  Fast and safe.  We now have drills on where to run depending on what room you are in when a quake hits.  (I say 'when,' because one is always coming, this is Los Angeles, we just don't know when.)  My kids just go through the motions as I kick their bed back and forth pretending I'm the earthquake.  They sometimes even laugh, but the bottom line is that their minds have stored this information on what to do, so that when it happens they will find that rolodex card in their brain and react properly.

No 'Mommy of the Year' award this year.

Freezing in LA

Today in LA temperatures were so cold....people were forced to wear long pants and shoes.

Stupid people...

My downfall in life is I hate stupid people.  Today I spoke to a lady about my account and that there was a seven dollar negative charge on my account.  I wanted to know why?  Her response, "You have 17,000 in your account."
"Yes, but why is there a negative 7 dollars...?"
She sighs, "I don't know...my computer doesn't go back very far."

How do you think I should answer her? 
1) Oh, I'm sorry, let me see if I can get you new computers?
2) Oh well...I guess 17K is enough money to worry why you deducted me 7.
3) Hmmm.  I am your customer, I've been one for 12 years, just tell me, "I'm sorry this happened to you, let me figure out what is going on?"

I actually said #1 to which she responded, "Really?  We need new computers so bad....can you get Apple?"

ugh.

Just Sunday...

If you have a 4th grader and you live in CA, you know about the Mission project...making a model and writing a detailed sheet are 2 requirements from your 10 year old.  Or 2 requirements from YOU.  They can't do it w/o mom or dad's help....hence the reason I say, "ugh..."  Another reason to argue and denouce 100 times, 'this is your project, I'm not the one in 4th grade."  But it won't matter, it will be me who hand holds him through the whole thing while I sit and wonder, "What did he really learn from this project, but the fact that....his Mom loves him and is always here to help..."
Nice.

The best part of the night was my Meatballs.  YUM.  They aren't really MY meatballs...they come from this lady, "the pioneer woman" and her amazingly delicious web site.  http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/03/bbq-meatballs-comfort-food-to-the-max/

My sister stood in line for 2 hours to see this "pioneer woman" and when she told me this I immediately assumed she meant "Sarah Palin!"  We spoke about this 'pioneer woman' with me getting a giggle as I couldn't believe my sister, a democrat liked Sarah Palin and would stand in line to buy her book and meet her!!   We texted for an hour.  Then she sends me the photo of her and this "pioneer woman."

What? 

Who is this woman?  Where is Sarah Palin? 

I soon learned all about this Pioneer woman, her web site and her amazing family and food.  Ha!  Not sure if I'd stand in line for 2 hours to see her though...

"Phone?"

Stop giving out your home phone as contact information. Who sits there waiting for calls?  When we get a call on our landline phone, we don't even answer it.  Cause we know, if someone wants or needs us, they know to call our cell phone.  Whoever is calling our home line is lost or clueless.

Help Me

It's the holidays.  I love them but they make me crazy.  To be glued to a second-by-second schedule is to be a slave to paper.  This past September I bought a book to help me called, "Why am I so busy?  A 28 day plan to take back your life."
It's been 4 months and I'm too busy to read it.
Oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone...

Yes it's true, I woke up this am with some weird horrible pain on my thigh.  Someone once told me the older you get the more you see people (as well as yourself) begin to fall apart.  Lovely.  So at 40, my leg is falling off or I at least want it to right now.  Best part is, while I sit on the couch in pain, my husband gets to run around by himself getting all three kids ready for our hour drive to thanksgiving dinner at a pals house. 
He is soo happy. 
I keep reminding him, "Aren't you thankful for me?" 
He is beyond capable of laughing and gives me this grimm'ache' face...
"What?" I say, "At least I'm able to bark orders from the couch."

Thankful?   I'm thankful for my family, my dear friends in a town where we have 0 family, and for those amazing wonderful friends that live everywhere else but here.  I miss you all and hope you have much love in your hearts today.  If you give it, it comes back.  If you give it and they just take it, sock them.

Scammers...got little ole me?

Beware:...and don't tell you I didn't warn you.  Stay away from anything with the company Liberty Names of America.  They'll offer to register your website and when you say no, they'll take it anyway.  Nice huh?  Call to complain, they don't answer.  Run, hide, burn anything with their name on it.  I don't know how these people sleep at night, how they live with themselves or even look in the mirror.  I searched the internet and I'm not alone.  They tried to steal my website 5 years ago, took money from me and now that I figured out their scam, they won't talk to me.  Haha.  Great company.  At least I feel better knowing people who hurt people don't sleep well at night....I'm hoping anyway.  Cause not sleeping well at night is torture.  Ask any mom with a newborn baby.

Cell Phone Stupid

My nine year old can play games, change tones and even text a joke to a pizza place in China.  He tells me, "Mom, read your manual!"  Read my manual?  Who has the time?  If my manual could make dinner for five, I'd read my manual.  If my manual could vacuum my home up and down, I'd read my manual.  If my phone could blow my husband....I'd buy five more phones.

In one month I ruined 3 new phones:  The first I dropped as I was shutting my car door.  I only noticed cause I couldn't find my phone, I got out of the car thinking I dropped it on the ground, but I found it  crushed in between the door and the car.  I had owed my new phone 5 hours.  The second I dropped into my cup holder forgetting the cupholder was already holding a full glass of 7up!  The third, I was chatting to the bank while doing dishes.  I dropped it into a blender filled with water.

T-mobile loves me!
I bought 2 phones that month. Then the guy at the phone store said, “If it every gets wet, open it all up, blow it air dry in all the crevices and let it dry for 2 days. THEN it will be fine.

After I dropped it into the sink I did that and my 3rd phone of the month worked!!!!

"Don't Say Fuck...."

Roc was singing that “Jesus loves me” song over and over.
Suddenly he stopped and said slowly like he was teaching us what he learned and what he knows,
“We don’t hit people….in the face… in the whole wide world…..”
I sid, “Yes that’s right.”
Roc says, “No one is stupid……and we don’t say, “fuck.” “

"He Swallowed It..."

Meg’s third tooth fell out while we were vacationing in Kauai and we brought it home. She wouldn’t give it to the tooth fairy till she brought it to school for show and tell. So when we got back, we packed it up and waited till Thurs for her day to present it to her KG class. That night she brought it home and it was in a mini baggie with her story of how it fell out and it was sitting on the coffee table as myself, Ty, Meg and Roc were seated around it.

Suddenly Meg says, “Where’s my tooth?”

Then to Roc, “Roc, you were holding it, where did you put it?”

Roc’s put his hands out, palms up and dropped his mouth as if to say, “I have no idea.”

Soon after I was directly asking where he put it, he says, “I swallowed it.”

Ty starts laughing and I slowly kept asking questions, “Where is it now?”

Roc says, “It’s in my tummy.”

Thankfully probably because Ty was trying to control his laughter, Meg saw him and she started to giggle.

Later when Meg went to bed and was going to bed w/o her tooth for the tooth fairy, Roc said, “Meggy, I’ll poop it out for you, okay?”

"Get Me Out!"

At that moment you are checking out of the grocery store, you have aprox 2.3 seconds to scan the lines and the cashiers manning them to know which is the fastest line to pick.

Lines with men cashiers always go much faster than cashiers with chicks.  Girls can't lift as much or as fast and have the tendency to ask the opportunity for more wasted time, "And how is your day?"

Men are strong, lifting soda pop cases and gallons of milk as if they were feathers, and blow through each customer as they would a simple task; get out, get out, get out.

Call me sexist, but to find the fastest check-out line you must look for the following:
1) Carts filled with just a few items. (Over stuffed carts take hours)
2) Shoppers without children.  (That battle for that one piece of candy the kid took of the eye level display is worth at least 4-6 minutes of time that you could have been out of the store!)
3) Shoppers holding no paper in their hands.  (I'm all for saving money but when I need to go, a lady with a handful of coupons or daily store ads just means trouble - get out of her line)
4) Men Cashiers (see above)
5)  Shoppers who look like they have someplace to go.   (The older man shopping at 2pm has no plans for the rest of the day and could start a converation with your male cashier about the price of cookies and you'll be stuck)

Let's review...
Pick the line with:
Carts with less items, No kids, No coupons, Men at the lead, and rushed shoppers!

Hope this helps make shopping go quick so you can get home ..... to do other chores that just never seem to go away.

“Alive”


I was stopped at a light enjoying the five minutes of peace without any children.

As I slowly looked to my right, a dark haired man stared back at me from the next car.

The handsome man was waving at me as if I was in a dream and he was the one snapping me out of it.

He smiled.

I smiled.  Did I smile?

He rolled down the window of his very nice car.

I rolled down the window to my old, dirty I'm-a-mom-mini-van.  Were we going to talk?

The beautiful stranger with exotic skin and perfect white teeth spoke, “Are you going left or straight?”

The comic in me fought to hold the first honest words that came to my mind, “I’m going wherever you are.”

Instead I realized my blinker wasn’t on and this man was only concerned about getting around me.

“Oh, I’m straight,” I said before adding quickly, “I mean I’m going straight.”

I laughed as I tried to hide my embarrassment.

The stranger laughed back, “You have a beautiful smile.”

I no longer needed a car.  I floated home.

Me, the happily married 40ish lady driving a mom-mobile with three fully visible car seats, had a young man in a hot car flirting with me. ME. On a day where I'm un-showered, un-makeduped, wearing flip-flops and a maternity bra, not cause I’m pregnant but cause it’s the only bra I have with it's elastic still intact.

Yes ladies, there is a God.  Or a lovely guardian angel reminding me I may be a Mom, but I’m still alive.

"She Does Trash?"


I walked out to my car and my petite neighbor was dragging her garbege cans to the curb.
I teased her, "Isn't your husband supposed to do that?"
She smiled back to me, "Yes, but Laurie, he won't do it. He says, "Just hire someone!"
I said, "That's not fair."
She said, "Well, it's a fair trade, he never asks questions when I spend $20,000 on jewlery for myself."
I said, "Can I take out your garbege?"

"Can a Demon be five?"

Her eyes gloss over, her back arches and I think I hear her hissing.

Every morning (no, I'm not exaggerating) my five year old daughter behaves so horrible, so odd, so out of character from who she is during the rest of the day, I want to ask her, "Did you sleep with Satan?"

Instead I dream of calling that Nanny TV show where they send out the lady with the british accent (I want one of those) who will fix my daughter and get our lives back to normal. but then I'd have to be on TV as one of the 'bad' moms that everyone judges and decides she's the point of the problem. NO. I won't be calling Nanny lady.

Where did I go wrong? How did I end up with a child that whines instead of speaks. Her younger brother will talk his way through any upset moment, yet princess Meg, will yell, "Ahnn!" and point. Lines like, "Hellen Keller, knock it off!" never get a laugh from my under age nine audience. So I resort to sending her to "quiet time" in the garage where we keep an abundance of smelly lizards and fish, my son calls 'pets,' so she can feed them, take a breath and relax. It works....for like three minutes, then she's back to hissing.

Then again, from what I heard about the teen years, I'll take the hissing any day.

"Barf...not a song"

I heard it from my sleep. "Blah." While I prayed it was a dream, my eyes were still closed as I also debated with myself if I had enough time to run to the kitchen, grab a bucket, bowl or other deep item and get back to my 3 year old before the 2nd wave of barf came. Before my thought was completed, it was too late. I not only heard the second heave, but smelled it too.

Then the crying...as my mind hesitates what to do first?
1) Comfort the crying vomit covered child and risk having vomit on my person?
2) Hold child at a distance, de-robe him and shout for husband who'll pretend he's still asleep?
3) Turn the lights on, hoping its just liquid and not that bad so then I could cover it and go back to bed?

Well...I did none of those. Instead, I threw a towel on my shoulder, picked up my son, who turned three on this very day, and played witness to the vomit: In his hair, under his neck, on the blanket, the wall, the cat (who was already bathing herself, by the way).

Why does vomit never look like what it was when it went in? If I dare to look (and I don't, cause I will get sick as well) why does it always look like Feta?

The husband cleaned up (I offered sex for assistance) and I took my baby in the shower where I hugged him as only a mother could do when the vomit is gone.

Then he threw up on me.

"Cub Scouts are hard!"

Cub Scouts?  Complicated and confusing…I’ve been behind since my 9 year old started two years ago. 

He’s crying weekly cause, “YOU’RE the only mom who doesn’t know what’s going on!!!”
I’m like, “you spend 2 hours at these meetings – how come YOU don’t know either?”

It’s sooo confusing and they explain nothing to the parents.  Or send books of emails that overwhelm me so I just delete them hoping someone will just tell me what's up.  Then I hear, “Well you have to read the handbook…”

Whare?  Where?  When?!?   I have three kids, a remodel and a husband that has to work 80 hours a day. If I'm going to read anything it will be my People magazine, I'm backed up since October of '07. And why do “I” have to read it???  My son is in the group, not me.  He should read it!

That's why sports are good.  NO reading for Mom, just watch-out for fly balls and cheer when everyone else does!

"The Happy Day"


The other day Ty was sad from some mean kids and school and you overheard us…and Meg said, “NO! Ty can’t be sad….Today is happy Day!” I said, “he’s sad about something from school.” Meg said, “He CAN’T be sad today, today is happy day!” Meg was adamant and silent for 2 seconds before she said, “My teacher said so!” Then a pause and then, “It was ON the calendar!”