Why I HATE Car Salesmen at Carson Toyota

I went by Carson Toyota in California, to check about a light on my dashboard. A salesman outside helped me and then suggested I could turn in my 2008 Sienna for a 2011 Sienna (the same model) for the same monthly price.

We did this song and dance thing for four months, until he convinced me "I have all the numbers solid, no drive off fees, no nothing, and your payments will stay the same."

What do you think happened?

After visiting the dealer twice, I emptied my car (kid seats, toys, things I never knew I had hiding in there) and returned to Carson Toyota to discover I was a victim of 'bait and switch.' This five year veteran salesman lied to me. Lied to ME. An on-the-ball girl who crossed her t's and dotted her i's. I was so mad I cried for days. (comedy is humor plus time...I haven't had enough time, so this may come out kinda angry) (sorry loyal readers but you must know this horrid Toyota story)

I was so mad I told this salesman, who commented he'd never seen two credit scores as high as my husband and I, that the reason we had such high credit cores was that we were honest people who paid their bills and Toyota would be lucky to continue to have us as loyal customers.  (OK, I did swear a few times) and left. They didn't expect that. They thought even though they changed the deal on me, the deal we agreed on over the phone over and over and over, that I would still do this new deal because I wanted this new car so bad.

Ha.  Nope. I walked.

I walked with my story about a corrupt dealer that opened my eyes to the ugly side of car buying, that in this day and age of Toyota trying to win back loyal customers, is still going on. They all should be ashamed of themselves. (and other nasty words)

Bottom Line: Do not be a victim of car salesmen, playing you against some Wizard of Oz, hidden 'big' man behind a partition that's about to control your financial future.  What are they talking about in there?  It's your car?  How can they negotiate without YOU?  Help end this fifty year old game and be wise.  Know your price and before you go to the dealer, negotiate over the phone. And then be SURE to get EVERYTHING in writing...or they will play dumb, "Oh that car wasn't even here..." "Oh we thought you wanted the fuchsia colored car...." Do this all before you waste your time and patience.  Then email me your hero story!  laurie@lauriemcdermott.com

How Old is Ok to Die?

"I'm really sad, my Grandfather died last week."

"Oh, no..." I said, "How old was he?"

"98...it's so sad."

I wanted to laugh.  But instead I hugged my friend trying to hide what I thought was hilarious.  Every grandparent on both my parents side died when I was a kid.  I never got to see them at birthday parties or share memories with them or hear stories about their life and the valuable lessons they could have taught me from sharing their life with me.  Nope.  I got nothing.  Now here was a friend who had all of those wonderful things for so long and instead of appreciating it, she was mad and upset.

Since I do "funny" for a living, I made sure to remind her to remember how lucky she was to have had him in her life all these years as well as the funny things she loved about it.  Within seconds she was laughing.

Member when you were ten and hearing someone who was 40 meant they were deathly old?  Then at 40, 60 wasn't that old.   I bet at 80, will 90 still look young?  Then at 100, what are you thinking?  Can I make it one more year?  Ten?  Twenty??

Bottom line:  When someone dies, we are reminded of how short life really is.  We only get one life...don't screw it up.

Short and Sweet Emails or Texts? Don't Take it Personal

By email I invited a friend to coffee, this was after I praised her efforts on a benefit we had just closed and also answered several of her questions on how to get in to see a certain doctor.  This was her response:

"Can't today, crazy."

Oh.

My first reaction was, "Really?  I wrote 5 paragraphs and all she said was three words?  Couldn't she have noticed my efforts in responding and done the same back to me?" 

My second reaction was, "Have I angered her?"

My third reaction was "She's out.  She must be using a blackberry or be in a store or pushing a grocery cart." In which case....I'd like you all to know: Stop using emails while you are out in the world.  Emails should not be done in the car, while you pee or standing in line at Disneyland where it's so loud and distracting you spell words like 'know' (no) incorrectly and people begin to think you have a mental problem.  Wait till later to respond. 

I will not die if I do not get a reply within one to seven days.  (By day eight, yes, maybe.)

Also, don't ever answer any email with the words, "not going to work for me’ or ‘ it doesn’t work for us.’

What?  Really?

How about ending every email with, "Thank you so very much for taking the time to email me today."

No one will be wondering if your words were genuine or not.  They'll just be so happy to see the one person online who still has manners happens to be their friend.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

Need a Job? This is What NOT To Do

I was standing ordering a icy jamba-type drink when I heard a voice behind me interrupt.

"Are you hiring?"

I turned.  Wearing ripped jeans, flip flops and a smirk, the girl speaking asked her question while looking down at her blackberry. 

The kid taking my order stopped talking to me and answered her, "Nah...we're full."

I watched her walk away as the kid said, "Tough market out there..."

My brain was on fire.  So many thoughts I didn't know where to start:
1) Who did this girl think would hire her if she doesn't look at the person she's speaking to?
2) Did she think anyone would hire her if she can't put her blackberry down for ten seconds?
3) Didn't someone tell her to dress for success, even if it's boring retail?

I wanted to run after her, to help her, advise her, tell her how to smile, what to wear, to ditch that electronic contraption controlling her eyes to look at only it.   I watched this girl walk into Starbucks and again get denied.  She wasn't even trying, her head still looking down at her blackberry.  She could have asked another question, the one about if anyone knew if anyone else was hiring.

Collecting all the balls in my body, I was just about to walk over to her when a car pulled up and she climbed in.  Okay, so my regret today?  Not reaching out and blowing her socks off on how to get a job.  But if you have kids....share this story with them and see what they would have done. 

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

HealthCare Problem; The Rising Cost of Doctors That Think Everyone is Rich

I drove an hour to see this doctor.

Constantly fearing the next earthquake (aka "The Big One") is moments away, I avoided the 6-story parking 'thing' and circled the building for twenty minutes looking for a street spot..

Defeated, it took another 10 minutes to find an open spot in the "death lot".  Walking to the elevator I heard a lady complaining on the phone that every time she came to this building it cost her $30 in parking. Guess her doctor didn't validate. Once in the office, I was horrified to hear the front desk lady tell me, "Well, it's only $2.20 every fifteen minutes."

Only? Really? She must be making close to ten an hour to believe her salary was good enough to cover parking in her building for an hour. I asked if they wouldn't mind if I filled the paperwork out in the room and was told, "Well, you are late and there are four people ahead of you."

I looked at the clock. I was six minutes late because of the parking problem (which no one thought was American fraud but me). So I said, "How many people would have been ahead of us if we arrived six minutes ago?"

The assistant shrugged. Maybe I was the first ever to have answered one of her obviously routine nasty remarks.  So I spoke again, "How long will it be...an hour?"

She responded without looking at me, "No. At least an hour and a half."

I took my family by the hand and turned, "Okay, Bye."

The assistant was shocked, "You're leaving?"

I didn't respond. I just wanted to get out of there....vowing to myself the following:

1) This one is too nasty to mention.
2) If I ever become a doctor, a good doctor, understanding the mind-blasting costs of health care and the difficulty family members undertake to invest in proper care, I will honor and value their pocketbooks and never, ever, ever, ever take residence in a building where my dear valued patients (driving hours because they have chosen to come see ME) are forced to pay hefty embarrassing rates, just to see me.

"Mom Lies to a Cheaper Path..."

Let's be honest.   I’m a mom…I lie. 

To friends when they ask if they look fat, to my kids when I say I don't have a favorite, to my husband when I can hardly utter that I'm tired.

It's survival.   Which is why I can barely breathe when I hear the cost of a single kids ticket is $68 and an adult ticket (do we even want to ride any of the rides?  Can't we just be an unpaying chaperon?) is $76.  

I know kids under three are free.....so I plot. “I know my son looks 10 but he’s really 2, it’s a growth mutation…shhh don’t talk about it...he's so sensitive.”  

The movies?  Did you know where I live in Los Angeles, it's up to almost $12 for 1 ticket?  I pick up my two youngest (3 and 7) and carry them in, “They’re blind….”  

At Taco bell I buy one small coke for my family to share, because the serving machine is on my side with a nice sign that says, “free refills!”  

My one friend who joined me at Taco Bell said, “that’s so unsanitary…” 

I’m responded with, "You kiss your dog on his tongue and let him lick your lips.  I just saved $4 by sharing a coke and germs we all have anyway."

I take my kids to happy hour in bars.  Not cause I'm there to drink, we're there to eat!  Some of those food items are $2!   Are the people at the bar happy I brought kids in to eat their food?  No, they want drinking customers cause the profits are huge. 

Bottom line:  Times are tough.  Keep your money in your pocket, by thinking outside the box.  Thank you Taco Bell!

"Skinny Jeans Make My Fat Move Up"

They were having a sale.  Skinny Jeans.  The "in" thing compared to the baggy Levi's I practically wear to bed.

My sister begged me to make my butt look like it arrived into the 21st century.  So I went to the sale where the saleswoman tried to convince me (or squeeze me) into a pair of jeans two sizes smaller than what I normally wear.

"Suck it in!  Pull!  Great!  Look at how good your butt looks!"

My butt?  Was that my waist?  Having trouble intaking air, I noticed the fat on my lower half was squished so tight it had nowhere to go but up over the top of the jeans! 

Trying not to faint I grabbed the saleslady.  In my old loose jeans, my fat evenly melted into my body.  In these jeans, I looked like I just ate a buffalo.  And felt like it too.

The saleslady giggled, "Oh, everyone has waist fat, just wear a loose shirt to cover it."

Really?  I'm to give up breathing so I can fit into skinny jeans only to be forced to cover my spillage fat with a big shirt which will hide the view of my nice butt which was the very reason I bought the jeans in the first place?

It was exhausting.  But yes, I did buy the jeans.  Why?  Cause I have a husband that never gets to see my butt, even in bed (cause it's dark).  I owe him that. 

Who cares if I change to my big jeans in thirty minutes.  How long does he need to see my butt anyway?

"High School Girls..."

Yesterday I happened to drive by our local high school with my soon to be 11 year old son who, after we passed the school, asked, “Mom, why do teenage girls wear shorts that high up on their legs?”

I said, “They just want to look hot.”

Ty said, “I think they look cold.”

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Don't Judge a Mom..."

Yesterday I was at my son's gymnastics class when I saw a mom with three kids walk in. One of the kids was crying, the other was so mad his face looked like one of those balls you squish to get out frustration.

I didn't know what had happened but it was obvious the crying kid needed to be held and the angry kid needed an attitude adjustment. Then something occurred to me like a light bulb going off or one of those "Ah-ha" moments Oprah is always talking about. Forget the kids, look at the mom. She was a ball of stress. Battling different feelings, opinions and attitudes...and all she's trying to do was get someone to gymnastics because she loves her kids. Kids don't get that. But Moms do.

The one that really needed a hug was that mom. So, I stood up, walked past the kid chaos and gave her a hug. I didn't know her, but I knew what she was going through and her quiet tears proved to me she needed that hug.

Next time you want to judge a mom, get in her shoes and maybe you'll reach out to hug a stranger too.

"A Single Call..."

There should be a phone number you can call, any time of the day and night, to ask a question.

1-800-Tell-me....

The internet is no good because there is so many other distractions that by the time you've clicked on 18 other pages, you remember why you went on line in the first place.  And after 2 hours you still don't have your answer.  But you did buy a new dress, connect with an old friend on facebook, and even found a photo of your dead grandma's house on Google Earth.

Then it's dark, 10pm and we ask, "Where did the time go?"

Which leads us back to the beginning:  There should be a phone number you can call at any time of the day and night to ask a question.

"Why Soccer is Painful"

I suppose if you have a superstar, watching your kid play soccer can be fun, even exciting as you see your mini-you fly pass the other kids, interested, focused and enthused on kicking the ball or trying to win.

Not me.  I watch my kids watch the other kids run by.  I watch my kids stare into the sky at some plane, bird or balloon they happened to notice.  I watch my kids watch me watching them as they mouth, "Is it over yet?"

Most parents scream, "Go!"  "Keep running!"  "Great job honey!"

I scream, "Focus!" "Stop biting your nails!"  "We can look at the ants at home!"

But really, over time, I kinda like not having the pressure of having a kid that has to do well...that the team expects to score so that the team succeeds.  Yep, now my husband and I relax and enjoy the game.  We giggle when he misses the ball.  We laugh when he sees a gopher and instead of playing the game, he follows where the hole leads.  Cause we realize, one day, twenty years from now, when he's not in professional sports, we'll laugh at these moments of enjoying our kid and letting him be just our kid.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"What IS that Little Voice I Hear?"

I was driving alone on a four hour trip to a gig in Vegas. Four hours just me. Then I heard it. It was small and quiet. What is that noise? It was so familiar but so distant. Then it came to me....oh! That voice I hear...is ME! Talking to ME.

My long lost friend, my mental guide! My inner self having a conversation with me. I was so excited I didn't know what to think/talk about...so much had gone on since we'd last been in contact!

"Where have you been?" I asked. Oh.....I was too busy listening to my kids, my husband, my friends and my world to remember or notice that the "Me" was getting lost. Am I doing what I wanted to in my life? Am I going in the right direction? Taking the right trips? Seeing what I wanted to see in the world? Was it was time to slow down?

I decided to have a conversation with me every day. First thing. Before the kids wake up. It would be hard, cause I love to sleep. But instead of thinking about everyone else for those precious few moments in the morning, I would have a conversation with me.

I once met an older woman who said she woke up one day shocked to see she was 67 and hadn't done any of the things she wanted to do. I told her it's never too late, do it! Go for it! She said what woke her up was her husband passing away too young.

I now love listening to me....and older wiser people. They remind us all what we need to be doing today.

Don't wait. Listen to you....do it now.

"Guilty At the Gym....No More"

I once heard a therapist on the radio say, "Only selfish moms take her kids to the gym to dump them off with strangers, while she works out." (Selfish Moms with nice butts.)

What was the therapist's suggestion? "Exercise at home; Run with your stroller, do sit ups next to your baby, do jumping jacks in the living room."

Hmm....? Nope. That'll never happen. Dropping the baby off with the stranger while I get 60 minutes of undisturbed challenging workout peace....now we are talking. Specially when Mom accomplishes her goal to keep healthy. (happy wife/happy life)

My one friend struggles with the guilt of taking her four year old to her gym and now uses the building as a landmark when she drives by, "Oh, hey, that's my gym!" Course she's sixty pounds overweight with a whole home-gym set she purchased to use but has never touched.

Having a kid hold you back from the gym is great fodder till they are in college and your excuse is....?

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Disney Souvenirs....What Gift Not to Buy Any Child Under Age 10"

You are at Disney, waiting to see Ariel, thirty deep in 95 degree weather, and your six year daughter is so excited she has to go poddy. You arrive back and out of nowhere 80 people have joined the line.

When you get to Ariel, what are you going to do to capture this speical day and mere moments with Ariel?

a) Take a photo of your daughter and Ariel?

b) Ask someone else to take a photo of all the kids and Ariel...and you?

c) Spend $7 to $12 on an expensive book full of empty pages to fill with signatures she can't read or won't care about in a few years, all while taking precious time away from others waiting in line behind you (ready to take a single simple photo) while Mickey (or other character) gets their fingers in order inside their sweaty costume to grasp a pen and try to write a fictitious name no adult can decipher later either.

Please say a or b.

Bottom line: Disney started selling the Autograph Books because they really do havebrilliant marketing prodigies that figured out there was a need and why not make Disney richer. Yet for others, in the hot sweaty line behind a pint size autograph asker, most will all agree.......unlike a photo your child will be able to show their own kids fifty years from now, the Autograph Book will be in the trash or used as grocery-list paper within a year.

Bottomer-Bottom-line: Save your money, take a photo.

"Skype Scared"

Have you tried using Skype?  Or are you one of those people that know it only as "The way Oprah speaks to celebrities that can't fly to her show."

When we went away to Aruba, I thought it was the perfect way to keep in touch with my three kids who were all staying at different families.  Wrong. 

One family was afraid installing Skype would slow down their computer, another family said, "Skype compromises the security of their life and just opening an account would cause the world to see their finances, data, and birthdates."  (I thought Russian spies or any decent hacker spent time focusing on how to break into BANKs' security systems, not one sole computer, with a family bank account?).

The other family wanted to use my computer at home..  Which was a great idea till every time my oldest son would be standing in front of the camera, my husband would comment about the background behind him, "Wow, those pictures on the wall look fantastic," or "Ohmigosh...did you see how cool that paint looks in the light?"  So much so my son stopped answering Skype and would only speak to us by phone.

But on the bright side, Skype does work and work well!  My 65 year old mom in Chicago figured out how to use it and we had a lovely time chatting...and she still won't plug in her answering machine cause it's too complicated.

So there's hope for the rest of you. 

Sign up.  It's free.  Call me.  http://www.skype.com/

"You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?"

You Know You Are in a Foreign Country....?

I asked a lady in English, "What time is it"

And she responded, "No ablo Espanol."

"Dear Lady With Annoying Babies...."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." 

It was loud and annoying.  Both my husband and I stared at each other like "How did we choose a nice restaurant that lets parents ignore their kids and let them freely scream and cry."

It's different when the parent stands up embarrassed, panicked and sweaty trying to calm the baby.  It's another if they pass baby a hunk of bread and look the other way and I try and think about how long I'd go to jail if I stood up and attempted to choke negligent momma.

I'll give her some slack....maybe she was tired, maybe it was her birthday, maybe she is divorced, this is her first date with match.com and needs a free meal.  With her kid?  Hm... Maybe not.  I have three; 10, 6 and adorable, out-of-control, 3.  They are beyond perfect.  Sometimes I call them "walking monsters."  (But never in their presence)  But if given the choice: 

1) go to a nice dinner w/attached needy, crying, disrupting little people or
2) not.

I take not.  If you have babies, you should too.  Stay home.  Enjoy your mini-yous in private without all the stares from people like me.  Or get a sitter.  Heck I'll come over and sit w/your kids.  Well, no.  How about McDonald's?  It's loud there, inexpensive and when your kid cries, you may even get free ice cream.

Good luck.  Stay away from me.

"The Doctor Bills..."

If I have an apt at 9am to see a Doctor, and he is so busy I must wait till 10:43am to see him.....

...should he pay me for my time?

"Leaving..."

I had to go out of the country for a few days. I was excited till a few days prior. Then...I was sick. I didn't want to go. What if something happened? To me? To my kids? (These are my same thoughts moments before I get on a rollercoaster at Disney....) "What if I don't come back? What will they do without me?"

But I was going out of the US. Out of a "planes aren't flying, so I'll just rent a car and drive home" area. And what if there was another terrorist attack?  A hurricane? Tornado? Some freaky mud slide? Or avalanche...that trapped me for days? (I was pretty sure it didn't snow in Aruba, but when you mix kids with mom-panic, anything is possible.)

AND...I was going to Aruba....isn't that the land of the Van Der Sloot/Natalee Holloway?  Not like I was going to hook up with another man, or that I looked like something anyone would want to hook up with...but a tragedy happened there once and ...well....what if?

Alright...okay....it's true. I watch WAY too much "Dateline NBC."

"Best School Ever..."

I wear a really cool grey university sweatshirt that says, "McDermott University."

Everyone asks where it is.

When they ask, I give them the location....my home address. Cause that's where McDermott University is.

Yes, they go to school to learn all that stuff they need but will never really use...but we all know Moms are the true teacher of life, love and how to be a good human.

And these lessons are FREE.

"Home School Option..."

My son wants me to home school him.

I entertained the thought of having him at home with me all day, teaching him lessons of the world, teaching him math, teaching him fractions, teaching him calculus, reminding him to pay attention to me, asking him to stay focused and do his work, begging him to sit down and finish his assignment, yelling at him to complete his reading, screaming at him that if he didn’t finish before midnight he was going to have to move out.

Yeah. Home schooling is not for me.

Yet, the real answer I gave him was simple, "Sweetie, I would love to home school you, but if I did and there a school shooting, one of us would go to jail."

He didn't even blink. He just nodded, "Oh, yeah..."

"Book Club Loser...."

I'm trying....I really am.  I joined a book club 3 years ago.  Two actually.  One stopped emailing me cause I kept forgetting to go.  (truth was I kept forgetting I was in the club, to buy the book and then to READ it).  The other I am in I DO go to......not cause I read the book...but because I like the girls and people actually bring delicious snacks they make.

I like to read...but there's so many other things to do.  By the time I have all my kids in bed, the idea of trying to fall into a story that never seems to be as interesting as the choas in my life, seems pointless.  And of course sitting under a light, trying to reorganize my eyes that will never see 20/20 again is painful.

One good thing...I've convinced my book club to do a "movie night" once in awhile.  Maybe I can change the whole book club to "Movie Club."  That involves only 2 hours of my life...and hot popcorn.

Who's with me??

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"The Perfect Chopper...."

I love to cook.  I hate to prep. If I could have little people cut all the pieces and measure all the spices in those cute little tiny bowls....I'd cook all day long.   For my wedding someone gave me a huge Cuisinart.  Scared the crap out of me.  Then 8 years later I had some chopping to do and broke it open.  We've been in love ever since. Hands down one of my favorite time saving gadgets in the kitchen.  Course the clean up part with the machine isn't so easy....but I do have one of those dishwashers.  He's 5'10" and good in bed.

If you don't have one....get one!  Thank me later...
http://www.cuisinart.com/products/food_processors.html

"The Reader..."

Last night after a battle trying to force my children to start their nightly reading ritual, my 10 year old said to me, “Mom, can you do something to make me want to read?  Like pay me?”

Great, he’s a republican....

(http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/)

"Summer Makes Me Dizzy"

What a blast of a summer!  Utah, Chicago, Palm Desert and a whole bunch of days hanging at home, not screaming to get in the car to rush to a sport or finish homework.  But it's almost over.  School starts September 1.   Two days left....tick-tock.  I'm ready to cry.....

Freedom....even if it's only 9 full hours a week.  Whoopie!!!!!

I'm back. 

Did you miss me?

"Walking...."

I love easy parking.  I will even pay to have closer easier parking.  Then I'll go to the gym and walk for 50 minutes. 

You'd think I'd just learn to park father away on all my errands so I could get my exercise through-out the day, right?

Then again when I climb onto the treadmill at the gym....I'm not first waiting for three kids to find their shoes, get their shoes on (who knows why they take them off on the three minute car ride?), find their jackets, find the toy they had to bring, get out of the car, get back in the car cause what they had in their hand is now gone.  Then once each of them have finally gotten out of the car, they argue who is walking next to whom, who isn't waiting for the other, who isn't holding someone's hand, who hit someone, who looked at someone weird, who almost touched someone but still has that look in their eye.

Yeah....me too.

The gym.

"Gas...."

I was going to talk about the other 'one.'  But then my husband called with news he ran out of gas 300 yards from Costco's gas station for the second time in 2 months.   Shouldn't one learn from the embarrassment the first time?

Ha...or maybe not.  Living on the edge...."I can make it...I can make it!"

I live on the edge by pressing snooze on the alarm clock.

"Yes I am...a host..."

I've been hosting for years and years....this is the last you'll hear of it from me here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XsmNgEuCFQ

My kids have seen clips of me and don't bat an eye.  Yet on this one, they stare and ask, "Who is that talking..."  I said, "That lady your dad is married to."

"What Does a Girl Want?"

The other night I met a man who literally said, "It's horrible....I just never know what she wants!"

I said, "And have you asked her?"

He looked blankly at me, so I kept talking. "We'll tell you, you just have to ask."

I quickly added, "Oh!  Then don't forget to act like you really care what she's telling you."

Hmm...do you think I speak from experience?  Don't we all?

"Mini-Van Lover Forever..."

Ford's CEO revealed their new SUV on the Today Show this morning.  Better fuel efficiency, better safety.....   my mind drifted to thoughts of my own family in this new SUV till the gave me the side view again.  Doors.  Basic doors.  Basic manual doors that my be user open and operated.

I imagined my younger kids, a 3 and 6 year old screaming at each other as they struggled to close the cars' back door as I waited to back out of the driveway.

I sighed. 

My current minivan's automatic doors that open and close with the single push of a button are my sanity, my lifestyle.  I can open the doors from 50 feet as my kids run ahead of me to the car.   I can open the doors from afar if the car has been sitting in the sun and will be too hot and the car needs to air out for a few minutes before we climb in.  With an arm full of groceries, kid crap or a sleeping child, no need to struggle to open a door, I just push that single easy button and the door slides open.

Nope. I'm not switching.  I can't.  With all the uncontrollable craziness in life, I'm grateful for a simple easy sanity-saving gizmo on my current van.

http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Catalogue Purchases..."

When buying a dress from a catalogue or online model photo, I always forget....

I'm buying just the dress...not the body it's on.

Sigh....

"Gum..."

I was driving last month and the gum I was chewing was disgusting. I went to throw it out the window (very bad, I know) and as I was throwing it, it stuck to my finger and ricocheted somewhere inside the car.

I searched EVERYWHERE for that gum. It had vanished. Gone. Two weeks later it’s a hot day and my Mother In Law is visiting, in the car with us. When she goes to get out, she screams that someone has her hair. It's GUM. MY gum. Course my husband starts yelling at our three kids, “How many time have I told you kids, no gum!”

I put on my supportive face and nodded with him.

(Secretly giggling knowing I'll share this with them when they are 30)

"Weird Potty time..."

It's social hour when any of my three kids need to go poo.  At 10, 6 and 3, when one sits for the job the other two will wander in and a nice kind chat or game will ensue. 

In the bathroom.

Every time it happens I advise the others to give the 'sitter' privacy but the sitter says, "No, it's okay, I want them in here."

I want to break it up and declare it weird and offensive, but it seems to be the only long chunk of time my kids are actually quiet, thoughtful and nice to each other.   So I let it be....carefully surveying from a room or two away.

Of couse as soon as the flush happens, it's business as usual.   Someone starts yelling at someone or acusing someone else of something and life is back to normal....till someone has to poo again.

"Walking Shorty..."

I like being short.  (5'4")

Except when walking with friends.  Every time I plan a 'walking date' with others, they are always 5'8" or taller.  What am I thinking?  I must walk two to three steps for everyone one of theirs.

This morning:
They walked, I jogged. 
They talked, I gasped.
They laughed, I left.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Reading for Who?"

How I long to dive into a book on a towel under the summer sun. 

Yesterday I tried.  I made sure my kids were all fed, safe and happy.  I made sure my own towel was flat and rid of wet sand from kids' feet and butts.  I laid back, put on my hat and opened my brand new Barnes and Nobel book. 

Ahhh....

I was at word number 3 when I heard, "Mom, he's throwing sand!"  "Mom, she's pulling my hair!"  "Mom, your left boobie is hanging out!"

Yes.  Children are lovely.

"A Real Man"

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

"Wrinkle Cream..."

Anti-wrinkle cream?  Ugh....sooooo many choices.  So, which is the best product?

I hate wrinkles.  For a week I said, "No more smiling."  I lasted 4 minutes.   For a week I said, "No more frowning..."  Then my two year old barfed on my lap.

I've been using the same anti-wrinkle stuff since I was 18, perscriptives Line Preventor. (Cause even at 18, I knew I'd done damage to my skin by stupidly 'baking' in the summer sun)  Then my beloved Perscriptives disappeared.  I still don't understand what happened but they are gone...along with a product I can't remember ever not using.

What do I do?  I need a new anti-something.  I went to the mall to find a new anti-wrinkle thing. 
What? Who? How?

I posed the question to each beauty counter:  "What's your best anti-wrinkle cream?"  For the next hour my face was covered with cream after solution after goop.  Each one came with it's own I'd-die-for-my-product sales pitch. 

All I want to know is....why do they make anti-wrinkle creams that must be applied to your face by deep rubbing, causing more wrinkles than when you started???  Anti-wrinkle cream should be light, fluffy, applied on gently without skin moving in any way. 

I'm on the market....anyone use anything they like?  I'm listening.

"Vampires.."

I never understood the "Twilight" bug.  These middle aged married ladies screaming at a movie and it's young male actors was just ridiculous.  Even on Oprah, when the cast and all these obsessed ladies couldn't stop talking about the movie....I just rolled my eyes at the whole scene.

Then I saw "Twilight."  Three times in two days.  With my kids and husband (who kept uttering, "Who is that girl? She's adorable.  Isn't there a sequel?")

Within days we rented the 2nd one (saw that twice) and now the husband just said to me, 'June 30th....let's go see the next Twilight movie."

Hilarious.  My husband likes a chic flick....haha.  Who can I tell?  Oh...everyone!

"Car Travel With Kids..."

Don't.

"The Morning Wake up....."

People with kids wake up because their early risers jump in bed with them.

Not me.  At 3:30am the alarm begins going off, snoozing all the way till a final 5am, nagging me awake each and every time till the husband finally resets it for me and climbs out of bed. 

Peace.  Till the husband walks out of the bedroom and lets the cat in.  Normal cats meow.  Our cat yaks.   Sounding like an old man hobbling to a sink to spit out that 'thing' in his throat, "Aaayk!....Aaayk...Aaayk..." 

I lay there thinking, "Just one more yak...please....only just one more."  It continues.  I climb out of bed, boot the cat from the room, and snuggle back in bed till I hear the birds (yes we have two lovebirds) began their morning quacking.  

Okay, they don't quack, but what they do is high-pitched, loud and annoying either way.  Under a sheet that is supposed to keep them quiet till you take if off, ha.  Baloney.  They do what they want, when they want....cause taking away "TV privileges" won't work on them.

It's 6am...I'm up. 
Good-morning.

I

"Being Too Nice..."

I'm at Borders sitting at a smallish table.  For some reason, people think I'm nice and always ask to sit with me.  Of course I smile and happily go out of my way to move my stuff, chairs or large furniture to make room for them.

Today a seemingly nice lady asked to sit at my table.  I said, "Oh, of course," making room for her.  Oddly, out of the three empty seats, she chooses to sit in the seat RIGHT next to me, puts on headphones and blasts her music so loud I can hear it word for word.  

I've got two columns due tomorrow and I'm listening to Borders music, her music and her breathing.  I kindly motioned for her to turn her music down a bit and she gave me a dirty look with some weird type of growl.

I again asked her to turn it down a bit more and she takes off her headset and says to me in some thick Argentine accent, "It's a FREE country!"

Wow.  Okay.  Am I too nice?  I refused to get up, so I began to make the 30 phone calls I was waiting to do till I got home.   Boy she was happy.  She ended up moving two tables over (I can still hear her music) on the way banging my table so many times it almost broke.

I'm done with sharing my table.  Next time I'll first screen them, make sure they aren't going to be listening to music or talking on the phone.  But I think it's better to go drastic, like start crazy coughing and barely be able to say "I have pneumonia  and still contagious."   Or I'll start picking my nose and without looking at them say "My imaginary friends are already sitting with me and they don't like company."

"Shopping Hell"

"Mom I need new pants...these are too short."

While most women love having any excuse or invitation to go to the mall....I don't.  These words put me into a panic.  A sweaty, add something else to my neverending to-do list panic.

Mall shopping takes so much time.  Trying on, hanging up (out of respect and fear of dirty looks from store employees), hearing repeated complaints of 'it itches!' or 'nothing fits!' or 'I'm hungry!' send me over the edge.

Online shopping is supposed to be easy but in the end, I'm on a single nerve after an hour of hearing, "Click another, don't like it, click another, ew!"  Also, it's ridiculously expensive...specially returning everything no one liked. 

Then some kind soul saves me, "Hey, Laurie, I've got a box of kid clothes...need any?"   A box of hand-me-downs is like a life raft floating to me after the boat went down.  I respond with a gracious hug and a sigh, "Yes.  Please. Thank you."  The clothes arrive and my kids go through them picking what they like, giving the rest to another family.

Ahhhh....an easy hall pass from shopping hell ....

For now...until that next growth spurt...

"Tie Your Shoes.."

Is it bad I'm hoping my son trips and falls so that he will see the importance of tying his shoes?

Only once would be fine.

Daily he'll snidely tell me, "See Mom?  Didn't fall once!"

Dear God,
If you can make it happen..soon.
Only a little blood please.
Mom

"Say Hello..."

My husband comes home, "I saw Bob and Suzie at the mall..."  I perk up, "No way!  How are they???"  He says, "Oh...I didn't talk to them.  I said I saw them."

In every marriage there is the social one and the one that hides under the couch when the doorbell rings.  I grew up under my Dad's teaching; "Saying hello to people validates them and makes them feel special." Even if that means shouting from one side of the room to the other, "HEY SUE!" a huge smile is always returned and I know, even if they were embarrassed, for a second I made them feel like they mattered.

How can that ever be bad?  Well maybe when I do this and the husband finds a couch to be under, and while climbing down, rips his shirt and shoulder on the metal under-springs and bleds on the carpet.  That's bad.   But my kids have learned well from me.  How proud I am as we leave a friends' home to hear them all saying genuine good-bye's with each friends' names included.

My little one (he has no friends yet) has even resorted to rolling down his car window and yelling "HI!" to anyone that will listen...and while my husband shakes his head, I watch the riders in the other car pass by smiling.

There's your lesson:  Don't be shy....Just say "HI."

"Too Many Kids for Friends..."

"Did you see me wave to you at Costco?"

I looked at the beautiful dark-haired woman smiling at me demonstrating the wave she must have given me days earlier as she drove by me in Costco's massive parking lot.

Frustrated at not remembering if I did or I didn't, I stupidly asked, "No...where was I..?"

"Well you were walking with your little one.."

Ugh.  I must not have seen her, returned her glances or even waved back.

I was sad I may have hurt her.  I really like this dark-haired woman.  She always looks into my eyes like she really cares every time we talk.  And she always seems to be 'present' and relaxed in our conversations...not like me, with one eye wandering now and then to see who is doing what to whom and where. 

With my children around, every time I try to talk or even look at anyone resembling an adult, my children fall, disappear, hit each other with hockey sticks, roller scooter into pools fully dressed and get stuck in Pepsi machines.  And that was just last week.

One day, and I hear it's soon, I'm told I will miss these days of not being able to hold a conversation for longer than 6 seconds.

Then again, I'm kinda looking forward to it.

"Earthquakes Suck..."

Am I really too old to scream like a child and run from a building every time the earth shakes in California?

It rattles me to my core to feel and hear the gound move.

Give me Hurricane's, Tornado's and even wind, rain and hail....cause there are advance warnings they are coming. 

Earthquakes are like a massive surprise parties in your honor (even while you are sleeping).  Only you have no idea if the party house will start dropping dressers, celings and walls as you cling to your children and your life praying it will soon stop.

That's when I do the sanity test and ask myself, "How stable am I to moving to location and build a house on ground that sometimes moves and could knock over our house one day?"

But everyone else who lives here isn't worried.

For the moment anyway....

"Listening..."

Ever notice people are just too busy to listen? 

They'll even ask a question, and as you answer them, you notice their eyes glass over, a single finger pressing their blackberry as they stare into your eyes and give a general reply, 'Oh....yes...' "

I'd say, "Hey...are you listening to me?" but by then it's not worth bringing it up.

Now it's been happening online.  People don't read! 

Here's an example:
a) Can you email over a photo for the party video?
b) I did.  I sent them over from my other email - ceolaurie@yahoo.com. Did you get them?
a) Did you leave it at the office...?  If so I'll pick it up today.
b) No...I emailed photos to you from my other email ceolaurie@yahoo.com.  20 of them...Did you get them?
a)  Can you only email me a 3 by 3?

A 3 by 3?  It's like I'm speaking Chinese and she's politely responding.

Oh...maybe I pushed the Chinese button on my computer and that is what I'm sending out, and her computer isn't translating it properly.

My bad.

This is why I still like the phone.  The dial one ....the one with the finger you have to insert and then swirl around the whole circle.  And the operator that helps you connect to the person you are praying is home when you call.    I wasn't alive when they had that...but ahhhh....how much easier life must have been back then....

"Party Kid..."

Have you ever had a party where a kid went up into your bedroom and when you found him in there and reminded the five year old that no one is allowed upstairs as well as in your bedroom....he runs past you shouting, "You can't tell me what to do!!"

Then during the same party a ten year old decides he has to see what's in all my kitchen cabinets, opening each and ever drawer when I'm not looking and every time he sees me near the kitchen he asks for water, food or to see in a cabinet he can't reach. Like I'm his maid or god forbid, his mother. Later I find him upstairs in the hallway because, "My dad said it was okay."

If my kids ever behave rude and/or disrespectful in someone else's home at a party our family was invited to, I will ground them till they are 30.

I love parties. I can take people that are drunk, spill stuff, or even don't think to say thank you. But rude kids? They send me over the edge cause I work so hard on manners with my own kids.

I'm now hiding in my bedroom in my pajamas in revenge.

This party was my husband's idea.

Tomorrow I will forgive him.

Tonight is for sulking.

"Is Anyone Listening?"

I speak.
I speak again.
I speak a third time and he stares straight ahead.

Sometimes I give a direction, "Can you go to the silverware drawer and grab me a spoon...?"
He'll walk toward the drawer where the silverware is kept and open a different drawer and start playing with something he sees....a baggie...a pen...a paperclip.

He'll ask a question, "What is this?"
I'll get sidetracked and want to answer till I realize, "Hey, where is that spoon?"
He looks at me..."Oh." 
He's back to looking for the spoon.

Not even a teenager, this kid is 10.  I've had his hearing tested, I've had his mind analyzed. 

Tonight my husband walks in the door, kisses me as I say, "Babe, don't worry about finding the tissues anymore, I found them.  They were in the cabinet all along."

Without saying a word, he walks back out the door and is gone for 10 minutes.

He comes in, "I can't find those tissues anywhere!"

Oh boy....maybe it's genetic?

"The Stinky PayBack..."

It's a daily experience where my husband will walk near me and expel gas from his intestines outward.

Not a worry of me passing out. No concern for my clean air. Nor my contented breathing or oxygen comfort.

Nope. He just lets them go wherever he feels....in the kitchen, in the car, while we are eating. No warning, no mention, just out it comes.

I guess he is just comfortable...with me....in his home...as we all should be.

Yes...all of us.

Last night I let one go in our bathroom with my oldest standing next to me. I rarely do this. I hold them tight till they suffocate into mere nothings. But on this night, I had a tummy ache and didn't care. This one was nasty. (You know how yours always smell good to just you. Not today, I almost choked.)

My son shouted, "What is that horrid smell?" He ran out of the room and tears almost fell out with my intense laughter. But I stopped quickly because in a few moments my husband was in the room with the other kids and suddenly he stops and says, "Who pooped and didn't flush?"

I watched him walk to the toilet and see it was empty as he commented, "What is that smell?"

Trying not to laugh (it's a dead giveaway when I'm guilty of anything) I put my face in a towel and said, "See! You do it 80 times a day and we all suffer! Now you know how it feels."

Not even thinking it was me, he doesn't think women do that, he leaves for two minutes coming back with an 80lb can of Lysol from the garage and starts spraying the bathroom. I didn't even know we had that can!

It was all too much...I was going to blow (no pun intended) my cover....so I laid down with my face and stifled my laughter in the pillow.

Did I ever tell?
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
(Tee Hee)

"Zombies at the TV..."

After a comedy show or a crazy day with the kids...I don't want to talk to my husband, I don't want to read a book or think about my crazy schedule for the next day, I just want to sit down and watch something someone else has done for ME.....effortless, mindless, and always (when you TiVo it) entertaining TV.

Educators tell parents, "TV is bad...TV turns brains into putty."

And why is 'putty' bad for a little while?

Today, after a single request to drive by a tree my three year old likes to look at, I was starting to turn around when he began to kick and scream.  I then told him I was not going back because of his behavior, which only made it worse. 

That was battle #27 for the day.  He was tired.  I was exhausted...and so glad to be home.
I turned on the TV I only use for Mommy-breaks (be honest everyone) and my little guy melted into a quiet zombie-ish state.

Speaking, singing, or even Quacking like a duck doesn't interrupt my kids when the TV is on. 

And if I'm completely honest, a thirty minute rest for all of us makes a much happier home for the rest of the day.

Thank you TV.

Husband Diet...

Every since I saw Dr. Phil on Oprah talking about men, diabetes and how an oversized tummy can bring it on, I've been a little aware of my husband's growing middle.

He's like a kid...as soon as dinner is over, he's at the pantry (with the gang of people we call kids) searching out cookies.  They moved on to ice cream till I stopped buying both....but he's a big child...that can drive.  To go buy his own snacks!'

I had Ti-voed that episode of Oprah and sat him down to show him he only has one body and he must take care of it.   I think it scared him.  Yesterday at dinner he said, "No...I'm not having potatoes any more..."  Course an hour later, his friends came over to watch the game and he drank three beers and ate a bag of chips.

Is this the time to ask for more life insurance?

"Mommy Dress..."

Every morning I go to the gym for an hour.  I"m not a big sweat monger so for a few days in a row I pretty much wear those same clothes...ie my gym 'uniform.'

Do I care what Moms at school think of my repeating-never-matching 'ensamble?'   No.  Never.  Who cares?  I'm going to the gym.  If anyone wishes to judges me...that's their problem.  I'm confident and don't doubt what anyone thinks.

Till my three year old says to me this very morning...

"Why you were that all the time Mommy?

Oh...

Hm..

All day long I've tried to blow his comment off...but it's not going away.  I found myself looking at what other people wear at the gym....I found myself at the mall looking at new 'matching' gym clothes....

All starting from a kid who can't even wipe his own butt yet.

"Remember Indian Guides?"

Did you know Indian Guides are no more?  Yes, my husband and oldest son are in what is now politically correctly called, Adventure Guides.

There are many rules now...about drinking, names and even what you do at meetings. 

When I was little the dad’s would make their own fun…they’d drink, smoke in front of the kids and even name the kids such names as, “Little Eagle” and “Spread Eagle.”

To this day some of the old dads still laugh about the time they tied a black tail on a long fishing pole and told the boys as they chased after it, “Come on boys, catch the beaver! Catch the beaver!”

Not necessarily P.C. but it is hilarious.

"Tight Pants..."

While my daughter while protest and complain when I ask her to wear something, sometimes ending in a fall-to-the-floor wrestling match, my oldest son just does what I ask….


Today I laid ‘nice’ shorts for him to wear. Later he walked up to me and sweetly said, “I feel blood stopping, can I not wear these?”

I did the dog-head-tilt curious why the shorts were so long and tight on him till I realized he was wearing his brother’s PANTS (his brother is three!).

It was my mistake, but I couldn’t stop laughing. He is just so easy going…we all should be so relaxed in the world.

"Ear Cancer"

It was hard.
It was black.
It was a milimeter below my pierced ear hole.

I went to the dermatologist in a panic. This is it....I'm dying....I have ear cancer.

The dr came in and investigated. Turns out my terminal cancer was....ready? A blackhead.

She laughed and said, "I'll just get it out...it'll take two seconds."

While I paid my co-pay of $20. Later I got the bill that my insurance paid....called, "acne surgery" and my doctor’s office charged my insurance $160!

I called my Heath Insurance company to tell them they'd been 'cheated.' They responded with, "Well, she did work on you..." Yes, she popped out a blackhead that my husband was mad he didn't get to pop. (He loves doing that and I never have any for him to tackle). Bottom line, my insurance company didn't care. So, then, why should I? They paid...I should shut up.

And we wonder why health care is such a mess.

"Whoa Is The Parent Day..."

Did I tell you I spent Mothers Day watching my son play baseball...?????

I like watching my son do anything but on the one day a year the people I birthed should be giving me my choice, the last thing I'd choose is sitting in the cold, hard stands watching ten year olds catch and hit a white ball for three hours.  But I did.  And I did it with a smile.

Last night at dinner my baseball hero announced, "Dad!  I know what I'm getting you for Father's Day!  Baseball tickets!"

I looked at my six year old daughter and asked, "Don't you have a five hour ballet performance that day?"

While she didn't know what I was talking about since she quit ballet two years ago cause the outfit made her itch, the open jaw on the floor reaction I got from both the husband and the child were priceless.  I'll probably still be sitting in the stands again somewhere, but my attempts to prove a point still make me giggle.

Father's Day should be BEFORE Mother's Day so Moms could set a good example of what should be done on this honorable day.  We go all out for them on Father's Day and then by next year Mother's Day...if they even remember it's Mother's Day again....they forgot all about what we did for them last year.  But like a faithful loving pooch that wants to make the world happy....that won't stop me from trying....year after year.  Spoken like the voice of a true mother.

"Burp For Fun..."

I still live my life where when I hear someone burp or fart I can't help but laugh uncontrollably then shout out a number, rating the explotation from 1 to 10.

People tell me, "You need to teach your kids manners!"

And ruin a great opportunity to laugh and judge?!  I do tell my kids as long as they promise to only do this with our family, and to always say, "Excuse me," when they are in public, we'll keep the tradition going.

Did I tell you I average an 8 or more every time I have a coke?

"Life Tip...."

"You should come to school and see mom...then you'll get it."

I did get it. 

Driving down the highway, my ten year old had been sharing with me his frustration of situations at school he finds unbearable.  Wanting to share with him how quickly life passes, I began a funny five-minute-speech about life, happiness, loving yourself and how quickly school goes by.  And that, later he'll feel like he blinked and grade school was over.  On the second blink, he'd be out of college.  And that he should just be nice and kind and laugh and try to have fun every day and be thankful and happy he is a great kid (and has very cool parents)

I ended my mini-speech with..."What do you think?"

Without a beat my boy shouts, "8!  I counted...only eight more exits till we have to get off."

Oh well.

"My Boy-Boy"

When you have a big sister who thinks she's a celebrity stylist, you're going to end up with photos like these that your mother will hide for use and hilarity at your wedding.

"Why I Love My Toyota Sienna"

I used to know I was in a parking spot when I heard a light, "Bang," and my car jolted back and forth.

Now I know I'm in a spot because I can SEE out the back end of my Toyota.  It's like there are two of me and while one of us is driving, the other is showing me how much space is left as I back up perfectly.

Sometimes people behind me freak out seeing me backing up while not looking in the places one would think I'd be looking.  I get honks and "Stupid driver!" all the time.  When actually, I'm smarter than all of them as I no longer worry when I back up that I'll run over toys or god forbid, a child.

The other thing I love about the Toyota Sienna is the automatic doors.  One click, doors open and all my kids climb in or out.  They never have to touch the door allowing me comfort knowing a finger isn't going to get stuck.  If it did, the sensors in the sliders, open immediately.  I accidently tested this when my ten year old shut the doors not knowing my head was in the way.   It closed gently on my skull (nice huh?) and immediately opened so I could bolt upright unharmed and yell at him for not warning me before he clicked the close button.

I also like the fold-down seats, the DVD and the navigation system (which by the way, I've tried them all from other car makers, and Toyota/Lexus hands down have the best navigation system I've ever tested.  So user friendly (I'm location-direction-retarded) that once you get used to having one (this one)...you'll never want a car without it.

Some Moms laugh at me as they drive off in their 'Cool SUV's."

When in reality, who's the smartest Mommy now?


Written By
Laurie McDermott
http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/
Invite Laurie to speak/perform at your next event.

"Missing Hampster.."

He was gone.
He was there and then he was gone.
He was found 5 days later in an empty fish tank in the garage. 

We all looked at the 3 year old who looked back at us and shrugged, "Maybe he climbed in there all by himself?"

Maybe. 

Now when he goes missing, guess where we find him?

"Weekend In Sports Hell..."

It's Sunday.  Family day!  It was like that when I grew up.  My parents and the kids would find something local or not local to see do or discover. 

I try that in my house.  "Do we want to go to the local school fair?"

No, we can't.

"How about, why don't we go to the Aquarium for the day?"

No, we can't. 

Why?   My husband coaches my sons' baseball and football teams and although the weekdays have their own challanges, usually on Sunday, we face the following schedule:
9:30 - church
10:30-12noon - baseball batting practice.
1-3:30pm - baseball game.
5-6pm - football practice before his game.
6-7pm - football game.

Meanwhile I also happen to be a parent to two other childen, 6 and 3 who get dragged to the other child's games all weekend, watching their dad from afar and missing him, wondering why they can't stand with him during any of the day's activities.  All the while I'm soothing ruffled feathers and negotiating battles trying to watch any part of what I can see of my oldest playing.

If I was a boring mom, or maybe one that loved sports, this entry here would be different...but I"m a fun, creative mom who loves taking her 'family' - (that means everyone; husband and kids!) outside their city block on weekends to experience the amazing things the world around us has to offer.  But I can't cause 1/3 of the family is constantly stuck in these activities that repeat themselves every weekend.

If my oldest was 16 and off to a great college under a school scholarship, that would be different, but he is not sports savvy and part of me thinks he only plays because of his dad. 

So, the family day together fun will have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.

"The 6 year old Horder..."

My favorite thing in life is to throw crap out.    Purge.  Trash.  Pack it for good will.  Give it to a friend. 

I loathe clutter so much I keep a 7-shelf cabinet totally empty.

Yes.   It's true.  Come over.  Empty.

The 7-shelf unit is void of books, nick-nacks and other crap just to remind me that life is short and anything worth putting on a shelf I never see, isn't worth keeping.

It helps me in so many ways.  At a store, Ill load my cart with things I think I want and when I go to check out I have a serious converation with myself.  "Do you really need that?"  (never ask do you want, cause you know you'll want everything).

All my kids understand and are great at "giving stuff to poor kids."  (At least that's what I tell them, but I'm sure even poor kids wouldn't want their old stuff.)

My daughter, 6, is not a Mommy follower.  She argues with me that even the paper kid menu from California Pizza Kitchen is so precious it's worth saving forever to give to her kids.  I suggest giving it to poor kids and she says, "They can go to that restaurant if they want one so bad."  I explain over and over.  She just has her own agenda.  Later I hide the menu and then toss it in the trash when she's not looking.  But she finds it, "MOM!!!"

I respond, "Daddy didn't mean to throw out your menu."

I've tried teaching her the benefits of tossing stuff, but it's an endless battle I lose every time.

So if anyone wants to do a study on the habits of a future hoarder...I've got a live one for you.

"Meet My New Trainer..."

Summer is coming.  Time to pick my butt up from laying on my thighs and start working out again. 
But how do I get motivated...

I was going to get a trainer....but I can't afford one.

I was going to get a work-out buddy...but everyone I asked said they were too lazy, too tired or too defeated.

I was going to get a walking partner...but then I'd have to strap my three year old into a stroller and hear him complain that he's tired, hungry or bored (everything I would be) the whole time.

Then I was walking by a coffee place and this book shouted at me to come look at it.   I was smitten.  Each and every page is filled with descriptive, detailed photos and inspiring information that a trainer would be saying (if they talked that much). 

But....I found my trainer!   Every day I carry him ( I call him "Bob") with me to the gym.  I set "Bob" down for my twenty minutes of cardio.  Then I open him to the page of the body part/s I want to work on....and I do whatever he tells me to do. 

Downside:  I have to read (sometimes upside down or sideways). 
Upside:      Someone elese is telling me what to do! 

Most people carry magazines into the gym.  I carry "Bob."  Yes, I may look like a goon to some, but "Bob" gives me a way better work out than I could ever give myself.   And it's working.  I'm already 'happy-sore' and feeling better.

So if you're like me, ready to battle back to the bikini on your own, "Bob" is waiting for you!  Or look for the lady carrying a book and we'll do "Bob" together.

"Can You Talk and Cook?"

My agent wants me to audition to host a new show on the food network.

I laughed out loud. 

I'm a great cook and I can talk...but I can't do them at the same time?

Have you ever tried?  I did.  I read "1/3 cup of sugar", walked to the sugar, grabbed the measuring spoon, said a few words....then...not only did I forget how much sugar I needed...I'm forgot if I already added the sugar.

Nope.  Can't do it.

"A Cup of Coffee Idea..."

This very morning I drank coffee from a cup that had writing on the inside of the cup.

It read "Buckingham Palace." 

Each and every time I raised the cup to drink, I'd read this over and over.  Each time my mind went to The Queen, her adorable single grandsons and how my friend (the cup owner) once used to live there.  

What a cool way to advertise.  And what a subtle, cool way to subliminally tell guests what you want them to think.

I'm already mentally designing cups for my house!   The cup's inside-writing would read something like:  "Do not look too closely at the floor..."  Or "Your host, Laurie, is so hot."  Or  "Yes, she has a lot of kids but all houses are loud and have various piles of clothing, food and paper scattered about."

Okay, that last one may be too long to hand-write onto the inside rim of a cup but....I'm gonna try!

"The Beloved fees..."

Today I made a call to have a late fee removed from a bill I've been paying perfectly since 2006. 

"No....we never waive fees. You pay late. You get a fee.  Too bad."
"Did you just say 'too bad' to me?"
Silence.
"Can I have a supervisor?" I wasn't giving up.
"Yes but the supervisor will tell you the same thing...."

I didn't think so but you can't tell that to people who think they have more power then they do.  And phone people do have power.  Your goal is not to belittle them but to let them think that you belive they are of a higher power.

The supervisor comes on and says, "No, we can't remove late fees."

I want to say "Who is we?" but I don't....

Getting more and more ambitious to find someone anyone to remove the $23 fee for paying a $400 car payment 2 days late, wasting an hour of my mental and physical time (worth way more than $23.)

My husband, sitting across from me doesn't flinch, "Laurie...just give up.  Just pay it."

"NO!" I respond like a drug addict trying to clinch that next fix, "I will win."

In the end, I did win.  I got the fee waived.  But did I win?  I wasted three people's time at a company who's employees all should have been doing something else on their job description.  Instead, they went to battle with me and ended up crediting my account anyway.

My advice to you, my loyal readers,....if you don't think you should pay for something and your point is reasonable, and you have eight hours with nothing to do, fight for what you think you deserve.   Everyone is busy, has lives, and makes mistakes?  If you can find that person in a company, a person with compassion, a person with a brain, a person who understands humans sometimes forget....you will win. 

It's exhausting...but you will win.

"Elmo Who?"

When I am home with my kids we don’t sit around watching Oprah or soaps like people assume.

Oh no.

We watch Elmo.  Over and over and over.

I see so much elmo, he shows up in my dreams. 

He’s very nice…he just needs to do something about that back hair.

"Church With Little Monsters"

Is it impossible to just sit and be quiet?  I've bribed my three mini-monsters with quiet toys, munchies and hard cold cash to stay silent for the hour long mass they must attend each sunday.

"Mom...church is sooooo boring...!"

"Yes I know.  But we are going and together we'll be bored."

As an adult, my husband and I really like church.  I need to go to refocus calm in my life.  I do know in time my kids will see the benefit. But for now, all they know is, if they aren't quiet this ugly crumpled mean-looking face will snap and hush them with a snappy two-word sentence:
"Stop!  Now!"
"Quiet!  Down!"
"Sit!  Quiet!"

Others tell me my kids aren't that bad.  But I see the other kids.  Other kids don't kick sibblings, fart really loud and then annouce they did just that, or lauch themselves from one pew to the next yelling, "Whoooahhh!" 

Nope.  Just my kids.  Anyone behind us gets some well-needed comic relief.  First from my kids and then from big-nasty-fun-stopper me. 

Truth is, I really want to laugh.  My kids are hilarious.  But if I did, I know those free entertainment watchers would switch gears and suddenly judge the other way:   "What a horrible mother....thinking it's funny her kids behave that way!  She can't dicipline them all at!  How rude!"

Oh well....

Can't wait till next Sunday.

"A Cart Wheel???"

My six-year-old daughter just did seven cart wheels in a row and then asked me to do one.  Ha.

Can you imagine throwing your body at the ground hoping your hands will support your weight as you throw your legs up and over...hoping again, you'll land without breaking a bone or hearing the words, "She's bleeding...call 911!"

"Unfaithful....the Ultimate Betrayal?"

I was tired...but when I saw that title, I was captured.  At 11pm with the husband out of town, I just had to stay up and watch.

Oddly it was the women that were cheating!  (Nothing to do with today's front page headlines)

They showcased 2 couples: One, a chinese girl with a chinese husband got pregnant from her black boyfriend....he walked out thirty seconds after the baby was born.  Both girls said they cheated because they felt 'lonely' in their marriage.

Then their therapists came on and said what we all know, "Marriage takes work.  You chose the person you want to be married to, so why not....make it work." 

Both couples stayed together.  'Black baby' ended up being put up for adoption as the chinese husband couldn't handle seeing his betrayal on a daily basis.  What a great choice for their marriage!  That new mom showed love and compassion for a husband she betrayed so much she gave up a child.

At 11:45pm, I was wide-eyed and shouting at the TV.  YES!  Great women!  Great choices!

Then I thought, why do couples have to go through a huge mental disaster or hurtful betrayal to get closer?  Why not just do it now? 

I was on the phone to my husand this morning, full of ideas to inspire our 12 year marriage.  I think it's 12 years...  

Either way, he's the only one I want and if we're going to be together forever, why not work hard to have the best marriage we could ever possibly have?

"Shopping..."

Went to a mall for the first time since my boobs have nestled into their inverted negative A.  Cause I haven't bought a new anything since 1997.

Each time I walked into a ‘girly’ store the “Noooooo” chorus coming from my three kids (finally doing something they all can agree on) was so out of control even store employees raised their eyebrows....silently suggesting that I leave.

Now I'm doing the catalog thing.  Which is really brain consuming.  I love the day the package arrives, that's fun.  It's the opening it and trying it all on and then convincing myself that I look good in vomit grey just so I don't have to spend more time and money packing up the ugly item and shipping it back.  Then I've got to remember I shipped it back.  Then I've got to remember to check that I received credit. 

Ugh.

Maybe I'll just take the kids to back to the mall...chained to the stroller, blindfolded, with tape on their mouths. 

That'll be fun.

"Why I Hate American Airlines"

Has American Airlines taken all your miles?

Back when I had a traveling comedy career, I flew American Airlines all the time.  My mileage grew to over 200K miles!  Then after I had my third kid and stopped flying as much, American Airlines decided to take all my miles....without telling me. 

Yes.  Shocking?  

I went to redeem my miles for a free flight and can you believe an AA lady told me, "Sorry, all your miles were lost."

"What?  Can't we find them?"

"Yes, the account went into inactivity and all your miles are gone."

"So they aren't lost....you stole them."

She was rude, "We didn't steal them.  It's a mileage program for frequent fliers.  You aren't one anymore."

"But I was....and may be again.  And I guess you don't care."

No.  She didn't care and that...well.....hurt.

Turns out, they don't have to tell you they took your miles cause it's a frequent flier program and if you don't frequent fly, they can do what they want to the years of loyalty and patronage you gave to just them.

My son's miles disappeared and so did my husband's.  To get them back we all got a credit card with an annual fee of $85 which they charge to you a full month before you even get your card.  Not my 10 year old, he's just screwed. 

So what airline do I fly to comedy shows now?  Whoever is cheapest darling. 

As far as the mileage programs airlines love to brag about?   They are liers.  We are cashing out.  Remaining loyal to the airline offering.... the cheapest ticket. 

"Trading at Lunch..."

If there is one job I loathe in the morning, it's making lunches.  Cause all three of my kids like different things: one has to have NO crusts, one has to have only lunch meat in rolls, one has to have everything I give her cut into bite size portions.  It's just too much for my brain at 7am.

I try to start the night before...but I have to leave the sandwich (main) part for the morning...and it's enough to send me over the loony edge.

I know I read about Moms and how they "make lunches with love" and then put in a napkin with crayon on it saying "I (heart) U."  They are supermoms.  I am not.

Recently I started giving my kids those mini-carrot packets (refusing requests from the bite-size-kid to have me cut them) as well I'd put in a small candy treat (why not, right?)

Later I was shocked to hear my son say, "Thanks Mom, that candy is great to trade."

"Trade?"

"Yeah, trading is so cool....I can leverage what I want with the cool candy you give me."

Did my kid really say leverage?  "Really? What do you get when you trade?"  I asked unsure how I felt about him trading my hard work, my hard 7am struggles, for some random food another mom nicely packed for her kid?


My oldest answered excitedly, "Well if I trade the bottle caps or the sours, I can get a whole apple or a bag of chips...."

Then I thought about it.  He's trading for an apple?  An apple?  That's a wise trade.  Trading for what he wants and considers valuable.  Hmm...  What a cool idea.  Maybe "apple mom" wouldn't like it, but here is my child at school learning how to 'work,' trading like you do in the real world.  Okay, it's a lesson and he's learning.

"Ever do a bad trade?"

My son says, "Yeah, one time this bag of chips I traded for had like nothing in it.  It wasn't the kid's fault.  The people that make those chips are CHEAP."

I smiled.  Okay, he's ten and he's learning a lesson at lunch they don't really ever teach in school.

Well done.

"Candy in the House..."

If it's in the house, they will find it.  Today, at 8:13am, my three year old walked into my bedroom, lips blue, carrying a candy inside a wrapper in the way you would a banana.

"What is that?"  I asked.

"Candy.." He replied as he continued to tell me about his day yesterday.

"We don't eat candy before breakfast!" I took the candy from him in a gentle way.

"Yes," he nodded, "After breakfast, then you will give it to me, yes?"

The candy was hard and as I flipped it over, I was horrified to read the label that said, "David's 5th birthday 2008."

Children can sniff-out candy components inside plastic or steel from fifty feet away.  There's no use in hiding it (cause you'll forget it there till it's too late), it must be thrown away.

After breakfast Roc asked for his candy back and I looked at the cat who's arm I had tucked the candy wrapper under, "Oh no, I think the cat ate it."

Roc was really mad, but now is sitting next to the cat trying to negotiate her to give it back to him out of her tummy.

"A Review..."

After shows in Vegas and Laughlin, it's nice to read a great write-up about myself.  Hope you enjoy it....

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2010/04/every-thing-comedian-laurie-mcdermott.html

Oh and as far as my answer to 'yesterday's' question as to what I did?

It's easy;  1) LAUGH.

You should know this by now, my loyal readers and fans. 
(Laugh is really all I know how to do well anyway...)

"New Mom Friends..."

I pretty much hang out with the same small circle of friends.  But once in awhile I love to reach out to new possible friends.  Why not, right?

Last week I sent out this email to four girls I'd like to get to know better:

"My kids and I are going to the American Family Pet Expo after school next Friday.   Would any of you like to join us?  We went last year and it was sooooo much fun.  They don't sell the animals there, it's just a giant expo that lets you watch (last year there was a dog on a skateboard!), see, touch or even hold some of their animals.  Then after we can go out for Mexican food?  Let me know?"

A whole week has gone by and not a single person has responded till today.  This was the sole email I received in response to my above invitation:
 
" Sounds terrible..... I hate pets!!!!!!!!! No thanks "

Hmmm....what do you think I did?  Did I:

1) Laugh?
2) Wonder what drugs she's taking?
3) Promise to never invite anyone to anything ever, ever again?

The answer tomorrow....

"When I Am Old..."

Have you ever promised yourself that when YOU get old you will never, ever, ever be like that little annoying old old lady who yells at everyone, even strangers?  That's my mother-in-law.  She leaves tomorrow.

My husband called me on my comedy tour frustrated, "My mom and Roc have been fighting all weekend!"

"She is 83, he is 3.  What could they possibly be fighting about?" I said laughing to myself thinking, "Good for him, at three standing his ground."

Then again, it's crabby-bitter-I-hate-the-world-everyone-else-is-always-wrong lady vs a kid not old enough to complete a sentence. 

But I felt his pain and said, "I'm so sorry."

I'll say it here:  If I make it till I am 65, 70 or even 80, I promise to still be smiling and happy and never be a crab. 

If I am, you have permission to shoot me.

"Driving Dream"

Next time I take my family to Disneyland I'm going straight to the Disneyland Autopia. I will then ride with each of my kids, one by one. Then, as they drive and concentrate not to bang on that metal middle, I will start shouting: “I'm hungry!" “Where is the water?” "Stop pushing me!" "What's 8 thousand times 426?" “Are we there yet???” "Can you microwave this for me?"

I can’t wait.

"Kid Leftovers"

I was standing at the table putting uneaten food from my kids three plates into to-go boxes when I heard my husband comment to our couple friends who were all staring at me, "She lives life like we make 10K a year...."

I smiled.  Make fun of me all you want.  I love leftovers.  Not for me, but for the kids and my husband.  It kills me that my kids order a whole meal and then only eat two bites.  But, if you pack it up and take it home, the next day or two, snack, lunch or dinner is only a microwave button away.

My friend commented, "No one eats leftovers at my house..."

I said, "Oh, that's too bad.  Can we take home yours then????"

Don't be shy or embarrassed.  That's food you paid for.  If no one eats it (mostly cause kids are too distracted or excited to eat) take it home.  If they didn't like it, tell someone.  Chances are, they'll get your kid something new.

My family loves leftovers so much, if a dinner I cooked didn't go over so well, I can put it in a To-Go box and the next day, it's gone.  Doesn't say much for my cooking but as long as you know tricks on how to feed your family, hey.... whatever works!

"The Little Voice"

The only reason I take a three-day road gig once in awhile (corporate or comedy club) is because Mom needs a break being funny for adults. 

It's only hours after being alone in silence that I relax and begin to hear a strange little voice. 

"What's that?" I ask confused. 

"Yes.  That little voice is ME....talking to ME." 

Mom life is so crazy busy and so constanly full of busy noise that I can't hear (or let alone even try to hear) my own inner voice, my calm voice, my sane barometer of who the heck I really am.

Ahhhh....

Course after three days of back to back comedy shows, my sanity is tested in different ways and I can't wait to go home to those little (and big) voices 'outside' my head.  Voices that come with hugs and cuddles and the promise of future annoyance.   

But I wouldn't change a thing.  Ever.

"Vacation Highlight"

We're in Vegas, where fun is big and never-ending, even for kids.  I spent hours and hours researching places to visit for an article; "The Best Things To Do In Vegas For Kids."  

From the second we walked into our hotel, all my kids wanted to do was, "Can we go back to the hotel and play in the hallway?"

Every day they couldn't wait to go 'home' to the hotel.  Not to swim, not to rest, but to run, jump and roll on the crazy patterned perfectly flat plush carpet in the long wide hallway that seemed to exist forever. 

Talking to Dad (who had to work at home) they didn't mention Gregory Popovich's Animal Show, the MGM's New Baby Tigers or even the Gold Coasts' Live Shark Tank they got to tunnel through.  Nope.  It was all about the hotel hallway.

I couldn't even negotiate or threaten, "If you don't behave we won't go to Circus-Circus Adventuredome!"

They didn't care.  Their response, "Yea!  Let's go home!"

Next trip, my six year old suggested I write about 'Big Hallways.'

Hmm....

"Zen For Who?"

A family vacation without the husband sounds like a good idea...till hour 2, when I realize I can't chase after kid #3 and stop kid #1 from hurling his body from a chair into a pool at the same time.

All day long I was my own version of octo-woman, putting out fights, negotiating and answering questions like, "If I trip and fall and don't bleed and don't put ice on it...will I die?" 

"What?" I ask, insanely exhausted.

At the mall we stumble across, "Zen Zone..." a store full of water-massage machines and other gadgets to help you relax.  The store allows you to play and try everything they sell.  My kids are in touch-me-heaven as I run to take my youngest to the potty.

When I return, it's as if my older children were royalty; Each sat in a massage chair, their legs tucked into feet massagers as the woman running the store taught them both to use a luxury gadget I'd never saw before. 

How is this fair?  Wasn't it ME, the Mom who needed the massage tips and free bees?  (Last month my 6 year old went to a SPA birthday party.  SPA!  I’m six times her age and no one's ever put cucumbers on my eyes.)   (Well, I did...once...as I was cutting them for dinner)

Next thing I know the woman offered a two-for-one-discount to my kids to try the big water massage machines.  Kids?  What about ME?  This woman was obviously not a Mom or maybe my plastered 'happy-to-be-on-spring-break-alone-in-Vegas' face really worked on people.

Thankfully when the woman put my kids into the machines and taken my credit card, the foot machine was free for me to enjoy.  But then Roc disappeared and by the time I found him and slowed my heart rate back to a mild panic, two other women had stolen my spot.

I spent the rest of the time waiting for my kids' to finish their massage by blocking Roc from running back into the mall.  They were sweaty from happiness.  I was sweaty from stress.

I love going on vacation and then during my vacation find myself thinking, "Man, I need a vacation."

"Buffet benefits"

I'm off with three kids to Vegas, Laughlin and San Diego for some comedy shows. 

The kids are excited cause they get to eat anything they want at those massive 'all-you-can-eat' buffets.  I'm excited cause 1) it's free for kids under 12 years, 2) I don't have to hear, "Ugh...can you make me a P&J?" and 3) no dishes for me to clean.

(If you live in those areas and want to see me live (and free) (they don't charge you in casinos as they know you'll want to pay for other activities)) look up my schedule at http://www.lauriemcdermott.com/

"Happy Easter"

I woke up and hide 21 eggs for my three kids.  Less than an hour later my kids were begging me to help them find the last three eggs.  

Hm...I couldn't find them either.  We brought in dad, the neighbors, the cousin from next door.  The three are still missing.

My husband pulled me aside, "What?  YOU hid them!  You aren't 80 yet!  Next year, will you please make a map?"

Sure....if I remember.

"Hate..."

Last night I left my family at Easter Vigil to bring home a sleeping child.

I turned on the movie, "Amish Grace," (cause I'm deftly curious how others live).  It was a sad movie with one unlikely theme; Forgiveness.

The main Amish dad said to his six year old daughter;   "Hate is a very big, very hungry thing with lots of sharp teeth and it will eat up your whole heart and leave no room left for love."

Wow.

A lesson I will forever remind my kids....and myself.

"March Madness"

My husband is a sports freak and is now trying to get the kids to join him. He loves watching anything where men chase a little ball.  It's thrilling...?

He dragged me to a Lakers game and later someone asked me, "Who won?"

I responded, “Who played?”

They laughed.

Why is that funny?  I don't care.  The teams go back and forth, back and forth for 2 hours….

You can watch the last 5 minutes and you’ve seen the whole game!

"Say What You Feel"

This was the conversation I had with my Mother-In-Law (visiting from PA) yesterday;
"We're going out for pizza for lunch, you want to come?"
"Oh, that sounds like fun.  Is everyone going?"
"Yes, me and all the kids...you wanna come with us?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother..."
"You won't be a bother, we'd love to have you."
"Well my knee still hurts from the fall."
"Okay, I'm leaving in 20 mins...I hope you come."

Ten minutes later after talking to my husband who said, "what is she going to do...sit home?":
M-I-L was still on the couch...
"You should come with us to lunch....it will be fun."
"Oh, I don't want to be trouble to anyone."
"You aren't trouble, we're eating lunch."
"Well, I don't think I'm going to go."
"Okay..."

Five minutes later I go to grab my keys and see she is standing by the door dressed and her purse is over her shoulder.  I was shocked, "Oh, you're coming!  Great, let's go!"

Why don't people just tell you what they really feel and think?  I don't like to guess and I don't like to beg.  Just be real and be honest. No one gets hurt and everyone lives a healthy, truthful life.